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I'm having a really rough day. Today marks one year since my amazing mom died.
My fwh is out of town on business ( first time apart since rehab & recovery).
He has not remembered what today is. It doesn't help that all the feelings of grief over my mom are muddled together with his A.
I haven't answered any phone calls or texts today from him, I know if I had I would have completely lost my cool. It's days like this when I just want & maybe need to feel sorry for myself.
We are really doing well, this is just such a HUGE LB to me.
Hopefully sleep will remedy
Thanks to all for letting me vent.
I don't post much, but this forum & the MB principles have been a lifeline for me over the last 7 months.

How do you know if he remembered or not if you are not answering any texts or phone calls?

CV

X2

Hi, workit,

Just from your post a couple things stand out to me. First of all, Dr. Harley suggests that a couple never spend the night apart! Especially if there has been an affair! Is it possible for you to go with him on his business trips? Or for him to arrange an online meeting or something? If not, then the job situation is going to have to change.

Second of all, the policy of radical honesty is not being followed in your marriage:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_honesty.html


Maybe you didn't know ahead of time that this anniversary was going to be rough for you, but now you do, and you should let your husband know that. If you had known ahead of time, you could have told him that you would like for him to be home for the anniversary, and how you would have liked for him to support you for the anniversary.

A couple more things:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3402_disrespect.html

Disrespectful judgments:


You have a problem, but you are presenting it as if it were really your spouse's shortcoming. You are blaming him for the outcome here. Blaming is a disrespectful judgment. You are judging him for not doing what you think he should have done. You think he should have remembered the day, and obviously you think he should have done something to show care for you about the issue (although what you think he should have done is not clear from your post). Whenever you find yourself thinking what your spouse "should" do, that word "should" is a clue that you are committing a disrespectful judgment.

Finally:


Losing your cool is an angry outburst. Venting is a practicing that reinforces the habit of angry outbursts. You rehearse in your mind and to your friends how upset you are, training your mind to be quick to anger. You train yourself to believe that you are on the verge of an angry outburst ("losing it"), convincing yourself that one more straw will be the last, and then you will really let someone have it (possibly your husband). The next straw will inevitably occur, and then you will go through with your plan to lose it and have an angry outburst at someone.

It is certainly true that if you feel frustrated it is best to say and do nothing until you are relaxed, and that includes not answering the phone. During that time you should keep a lid on your anger and turn off the fire. But you have to change what you are telling yourself and stop the practice of venting in order to make progress against this love buster.

Practice the policy of radical honesty: inform your husband that you've read that it is a bad idea for the two of you to spend the night apart, and be radically honest with him about the kind of care you need from him, like support on days like this. Be specific about what you need him to do, so he can do it and fill his account in your Love Bank.

workit, I went all through your posts and think I understand the situation. Your husband had an affair last year, you guys had a false recovery, and he is STILL spending the night in another town? Your marriage cannot survive this!

The solution to playing chicken is to get out of the road!!!

Why is your husband spending the night in another town after already having an affair? Does he not know that one of the conditions for recovery is that he can never do this again?

No wonder you are nervous and emotional. Your husband is playing chicken with your marriage. You would probably feel the same even if it were not such a sad anniversary.


That sentence alone says it all. Recovery cannot happen after an affair if the former wayward continues to spend nights apart from their betrayed spouse.

What Marriage Builders books do you guys have? And which ones has he read? Have either of you talked to Dr. Harley? You can speak to him free on his daily radio show, and I strongly encourage you to take that opportunity!

Thank you all for ur posts, will answer all later when I can get to my laptop, way too difficult to type all this out on iPad .

He did not mention in any voicemails or texts.

Yes, sometimes it is possible. But we both talked about this trip. It is his first conference in his new job. A new job that thankfully took him out of the previous job where A took place. We do have 2 kiddos. Thus, one of us needed to be here this weekend. Also, I knew that one of our dear friends that knows of the A was going to be at the same conference, thereby having an accountability partner on hand.

I have read them all. I have shared the insights with him, and we are working thru the EN questionaires.
Understand, he is only 6 months into sobriety. Which has been the crux to dealing extensively with our rebuilding process. Sobriety, at this point, takes precedence over other books for him to read. This, by the way is frustrating to me, but even Dr. Harley says that the struggle to stay sober supercedes the rebuilding process, at least for now. This is not to say that he is not working diligently to rebuild trust, and we work on our marriage using the MB principles. We do get at least 20 hours of UA time a week as well.

Thank You Markos, the above is spot on. I definitely understand the
practice part of venting. I do believe this has been the most difficult change for me to make. Thus is why I did not answer his texts or phone, I knew I would have an AO, was trying to avoid that. And I did not practice on anyone else, friends or family, as that was an old habit I am trying to break. So yes, by avoiding the DJ and AO, I failed miserably at O&H communication. Dangit, I hate it when I'm not perfect!

Boy, I guess I just thought I could figure out the quote deal.
I'm sure I did not answer all questions, but fire away.

Workit, have you two read up on Extraordinary Precautions? If so, what are your H's?

An extraordinary precaution should most definitely be no overnight trips apart. Having someone there at the conference who knows about his past affair is not an appropriate precaution.

Dr. Harley often talks about how to spend your recreational time. The phrase he most often uses is "You should be each other's ONLY recreational companions until you are each other's FAVORITE recreational companions."

Once you're one another's favorites again, there is more room for latitude in your relationship. You can occasionally afford recreational activities that don't involve one another as long as you're preserving your core UA time together. And with careful planning, an overnight apart can be managed with careful attention to accountability, time spent together on the phone or video chat, and planning for additional UA time to make up for the lost time.

But that's a long way off. Think like two years from the start of recovery, not two months or even a year. I know a few men who go to Las Vegas just once a year and @#$*& strippers while they are there. Then they're faithful the rest of the year. Men compartmentalize well, so it's really important to make sure your husband's business life fully includes his wife and family when he's away.

I recently suffered through a business trip under similar circumstances. I had to go; it was not optional, and both my wife and I love my job. We managed it similarly: every morning I did Facetime with my wife and kids during breakfast, and every night we Facetimed before bed. I went to bed at a reasonable hour every night, and excused myself from work-related dinner and entertainment in order to spend time with my wife and family.

So if you have to manage time away after an affair, it can be done, but only with the utmost care and concern for both spouses, and an extreme awareness of the conditions under which an affair could take place, and avoidance of those circumstances.

Ideally, never spend overnights apart. But this is real life, and sometimes you can't avoid it. In those cases, don't make a habit of it and exercise great care.

Thank you DNM.
This is pretty much exactly what we did. Talked & chatted throughout all days except yesterday, which was my fault, my failure. After reading markos' post this morning, I texted him my feelings, openly & honestly. He apologized for not being here for me & wrote me a beautiful "love note" . He is home now, and being incredibly caring & nurturing. This is the husband I have fought for.
As I stated in my posts, this hiccup had less to do with being apart than it had to do with meeting a huge EN for me. I expected him to do something for me that I had not made clear was extremely important. I expected him to read my mind, a huge mistake on my part, one that I constantly fight.

???

Are you saying a traveling job is OK for a F?WS? Have you heard/seen Dr Harley talk about what you describe above?

Here is more reading if you are interested workit. I know you don't want to hear it, but I think you two are playing with fire.

Traveling Jobs

How often will your H be traveling for work without you?

Once a year? Once a month?

Once a year

At that kind of low frequency, I'd arrange for the kids to take off from school and go with him!