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Maybe not physical, but examine the ENs that she offered. I've seen Huz-wife dynamics, and sometimes they arent very friendly. My own WW wandered, and seemed to offer the perfect GF experience for the OM. Maybe he was the perfect BF, but he met needs that I neglected.


Me: BH 53
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oddly enough, it was during the time I felt I was meeting most all of his emotional needs for the first time in 2 years - SF, conversation, affirmation..
he said it was the "newness" and the fact that someone was interested in him that was appealing.... barf.

Last edited by kstockett; 02/06/12 03:07 PM.
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Then he's guilty of poor judgement and lacks principle. You really need to examine what led to the A, and what circumstances made it possible, and examine if he's worth salvaging.
He can't live in an "anything goes" world, without serious consequences.


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Yep, we've looked at all this and put a list of MB boundaries in place along with NC and transparency. What he doesnt' know is why he jumped off the cliff with her the very next day they met! He may have been asked but he was ready and willing.
He knows my dealbreakers and he says he hates himself.

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At least he shows some remorse... now if he'd at least show some respect to you!
Someone needs to straighten him up and get him to man-up to being responsible.
I'm sure you're beside yourself, and he may even look hopeless.
Do you have a good male friend who can talk some "man-sense" into this guy?


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last night I pointed out that she had the police call me (he thought her husband did) but no, it was actually her, and I also told him she was his accomplice in breaking my heart. I didn't ask what he thought but I said any person who did that to him would be detested by me. He agreed. He also apologized for the "unfair" comment as I said I was looking for the "you did the right thing." He has told me that before and didn't think I needed to hear it again. He said, oh, you need reaffirmation. YES! So, progress.
Said he wants some time to process what he did - a few minutes to himself a day. I said that sounds fine but I hate the fact that there may be times he's thinking about her while he "processes" this. ugh!

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Originally Posted by kstockett
I said how unfair it is that I might see her around town as we belong to the same country club and she occasionally attends university basketball games, where we have season tickets. He said yes, but what should he do? Call and ask her to move? I said you better not ever call her that's breaking NC. He agreed and said he's trying to do everything he can and that we won't go to any basketball games we can choose another activity, which totally misses the point.

k, I think your H is actually right on point.

You shouldn't go to those basketball games, you will have to quit that country club, and you might even need to think about moving in order to ensure NC.

One of Dr H's rules is once you have your Qs answered about the A, you stop talking about it. Please stop trying to get your H to slam OW. There is a LB$ balance there since she met some of his ENs and those feelings don't just go away. When you talk about her, you are just triggering him (and yourself) and you guys end up in a discussion where you are lovebusting each other.

If you want to vent about OW, do it here.


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Originally Posted by SadDude
At least he shows some remorse... now if he'd at least show some respect to you!
Someone needs to straighten him up and get him to man-up to being responsible.
I'm sure you're beside yourself, and he may even look hopeless.
Do you have a good male friend who can talk some "man-sense" into this guy?

I don't understand where you are coming from with this. From my read of the thread, he has implemented NC, has implemented EPs, is being transparent, and is working MB. He is remorseful and stated he "hates himself".

Why do you think he isn't manning up?


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SusieQ - point taken. It's just hard sometimes. I have to act all cheery and fulfill his ENs and I feel like crap most days.

He has manned up and is doing almost everything right.

A friend just said to me, "you won, ok! So, stop overthinking things." but when your self esteem is in the dumps, it just gets crazy inside my head.

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You don't have to act all cheery! And your feelings WILL diminish, but not if you keep talking about the A/OW. Avoid triggers as much as possible...

Keep working the plan, k. It's going to get better, I promise... smile

Now what about that country club and the basketball games? *I cannot stress how very dangerous those activities are to your M because even if the A doesn't reignite, you are both going to be triggered and set back, even if you don't see her.



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true, there is no way I can go to a bball game without being triggered and he says he won't go either. DO I HAVE THE RIGHT TO ASK THAT OF HIM?
CC - I'll never go again. His business pays for the membership but we don't have to use it. He occasionally takes customers there for lunch. SHOULD I TELL HIM IT'S OFF LIIMTS? It's too bad - and that's what's so unfair here - it was a nice perk, same with the tickets.

Another sad story: last night I realized that as I was self punishing myself about my own A I asked for no Christmas gifts from him. He was in the A at that time but I didn't know a thing. He gave me gifts anyway. When I realized the irony of this I sobbed, he held me and I pulled it together pretty fast. I had earlier destroyed everything I made him and won't wear the Tiffany necklace he gave me with our initials on it. Just too hard....

Last edited by kstockett; 02/07/12 03:54 PM.
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"true, there is no way I can go to a bball game without being triggered and he says he won't go either. DO I HAVE THE RIGHT TO ASK THAT OF HIM?"

You been here how long and you act as if you never heard of NC. No more bball is doing NC. So is quitting the contry club doing NC.


"CC - I'll never go again. His business pays for the membership but we don't have to use it. He occasionally takes customers there for lunch. SHOULD I TELL HIM IT'S OFF LIIMTS? It's too bad - and that's what's so unfair here - it was a nice perk, same with the tickets."

Re read what I just wrote then add it don't matter who pay's for it going there is breaking NC because the OW can be there.

Hint.

You want a hint?

Whether you want one or not that is not the only bball team route for and only CC to be a member of. The other options may not be as good but there are consequences for having an affair. The piper wants his due.

Another sad story: last night I realized that as I was self punishing myself about my own A I asked for no Christmas gifts from him. He was in the A at that time but I didn't know a thing. He gave me gifts anyway. When I realized the irony of this I sobbed, he held me and I pulled it together pretty fast. I had earlier destroyed everything I made him and won't wear the Tiffany necklace he gave me with our initials on it. Just too hard.... [/quote]

Last edited by TheRoad; 02/07/12 07:30 PM.
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Originally Posted by kstockett
true, there is no way I can go to a bball game without being triggered and he says he won't go either. DO I HAVE THE RIGHT TO ASK THAT OF HIM?


Originally Posted by kstockett
CC - I'll never go again. His business pays for the membership but we don't have to use it. He occasionally takes customers there for lunch. SHOULD I TELL HIM IT'S OFF LIIMTS?

k, don't make this more difficult than it needs to be. This is a consquence of his straying and endangering your M. It's not a punishment.

He seems to understand that he needs to take extraordinary precautions to avoid seeing this woman ever again. Approach him about it in that way and additionally discuss any other way that you two could run into her and how to avoid this. Especially if she lives in your town.


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thanks for all your help...

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K, I posted to your thread over on Operation Investigate and I hope you read it. I am worried...


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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