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Does anyone know if Dr H has ever gone into any detail about workplace exposure (when both A parties work together)? The only thing I've found is a quick mention in the exposure article: When there is an affair in the workplace, my general advice is that the unfaithful spouse must quit the job and find another to avoid ever seeing or talking to the lover again. But while the affair is taking place and the unfaithful spouse is unwilling to resign, should a betrayed spouse expose the affair to the employer?
While I unhesitatingly recommend exposing the affair to friends, family, clergy, children, and the lover's spouse, I'm not so quick to suggest exposing it to an employer. That's because such an exposure could have unintended legal and economic consequences. For example, the affair might constitute grounds for a sexual harassment claim by the unfaithful spouse's lover. Or, it might trigger an outright firing of the spouse, making it far more difficult to find another job. So my advice whether or not to expose to an employer is usually made on a case-by-case basis. I know that it is almost always suggested on the forums in these cases, but wasn't sure if that was tied to something the Dr has said since that article or what.
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I think that we recommend it on a case-by-case basis, too. We recommend it where an affair is continuing despite the BS's attempts to stop the WS from cake-eating.
We embrace Dr Harley's advice that that if the affair partners still work together, this must end if the marriage is to be saved. If the BS is willing to take the cut in income after the WS is fired, they must expose an ongoing affair. If the BS is not willing to take the cut in income, we ask them to consider what is worth more; their marriage and its future success, or the BS's income and the continuing affair.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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high_road, we have a lot of anecdotal evidence for workplace exposure from the posters on this site. Many, many will vouch for exposure at the workplace. I personally can tell you that my FWH was relieved when his affair was exposed at work. He said he tried to break it off, but couldn't because he continued to see her every day. The addiction was too strong for him to be able to do it on his own. He said he didn't know how.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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I understand and wasn't trying to imply that workplace exposure was blanket advice on the forums. I agree personally, I just wondered if Dr H had ever expounded with any examples of times that he would or would not suggest it.
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I don't know of any situations where he advocates against it. He does mention caution in some situations due to potential loss of income.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks ML. That was my take as well, just wanted to be sure I hadn't missed something.
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Thanks ML. That was my take as well, just wanted to be sure I hadn't missed something. My big concern about workplace affairs is that they leave the company at great legal risk. People who have affairs at work are loose cannons and every company I have worked for wanted to get rid of them.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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True. Then there are the ones that know through the grapevine but will not act unless their hand is forced by a BS.
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So now you know work place exposure is good.
What are you going to do with this information?
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What Marital said, exactly.
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So now you know work place exposure is good.
What are you going to do with this information? I'm actually asking due to a SIL that is dealing with her H's workplace A. I don't want to go into much detail here since SIL has posted on the SAA board and I don't want to step on that. I know she has been advised here over and over to expose to his work, but is on the fence about it (my W and I have backed that up to her personally...trying to help since we have been there). Wayward BIL is currently staying with his parents (my inlaws) and we are trying to get them on board with MB. They are hung up on the possibility that BW might out WH at his work....I thought that if Dr H had expounded his ideas on the subject, it might help them see that it is the only way to get wayward son out of the fog and spur him out of his inaction. They don't seem to get that...sometimes reading/hearing from an expert is the only way to convince someone.
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Thanks.
Looking at a situation like this from the outside and from my perspective as a BH....it's so frustrating to not be able to really do anything.
I guess it's the same way many feel here when they lay the plan out to someone and they can't get past the situation and see it. All you can do is state the facts and pray.
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