Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
#2591310 01/29/12 08:11 AM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 8
L
Liz75 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
L
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 8
My husband cheated on me about 7 months ago (one month before our 10 year anniversary and when I was pregnant with our second child). I chose to give him another chance for a few reasons but mainly b/c I know that he feels immense remorse for his actions. We have talked a lot about what has happened in depth. He told me his mistake about 2 weeks after it happened b/c he felt so guilty about it. Basically he slept with another woman while he was away for a month working on his Masters degree. She was a classmate and they have NO contact now and there was never an emotional connection. I am over the skepticism of others b/c I know that he feels horrible and seems to be having a hard time forgiving himself. He said he will never go anywhere without me again etc etc etc.

So now... about me...
I still think about what happened and it completely angers me and I bring it up here and there when we are having issues which i know is not right.

Overall, we are doing better in many ways than before the affair b/c it brought some things to light in our relationship. For one, we have sex much more often. Here is my strange question...

I feel like I want to have sex all the time now and i want it to be more passionate. I am actually more open than I was previously. I asked many many specific questions about my husband affair including what he and this woman did sexually. As much as he hated it, he answered every specific question I asked honestly. Sorry to be so graphic, but after probing I learned that they *edit*.... well, we don't. So now I want him to want to do that kind of stuff with me even though it isn't really like me b/c I have always tended to be a little more modest, but now it's almost like I take it personally that he doesn't try to do it with me. I have bought new "cute" lingerie (again, not really like me). I want him to see me as cute and seductive and I am not really doing it just for him. I honestly think it is for me more.

I feel like my emotions follow that of grief and loss. After I heard what happened initially, I threw up and then I just kept asking myself if it was true. Then I spent many days/weeks crying. After that was the anger. Now I am accepting what happened (kind of), but seem to "relapse" here and there meaning I am doing okay and then out of the blue I have an image pop into my head of my husband and this other girl making love. Of course she was pretty and thin and although people say I am pretty, I carry extra weight (5'6 and 175lbs) so I naturally compare myself to her and question how attractive I am.

Ahh! This whole thing sucks! Am I dwelling? I know he feels terrible about his huge mistake and if I agreed to give us another chance then I need to do just that but I can't get over this.

I'm just stuck on this day that my husband chose to sleep with another woman and I almost resent that it took that for things to get better because it still wasn't worth the pain.

On a whole other note... when I read through these posts I need to learn all the acronyms, it drives me crazy not knowing what everything stand for!

Last edited by MBSeasons; 01/29/12 10:48 AM. Reason: TMI
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
Originally Posted by Liz75
...So now I want him to want to do that kind of stuff with me even though it isn't really like me b/c I have always tended to be a little more modest, but now it's almost like I take it personally that he doesn't try to do it with me...
Haven't been in your shoes, Liz, so I can only speculate... perhaps if he knows that you're triggered by this stuff, then he might be more tentative around you than he'd otherwise be?

Anyway, most guys won't go out of their way to say "no" to a confident woman when she's going after what she wants. (As we know, even when they should say "no"!)
So be confident!


Originally Posted by Liz75
...On a whole other note... when I read through these posts I need to learn all the acronyms, it drives me crazy not knowing what everything stand for!
Abbreviations & acronymns are here: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2557784&page=1


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 8
L
Liz75 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
L
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 8
Thanks for list of acronyms.

As far as the other stuff, I am trying to soul search why I have gone from one extreme to the other. It's almost like I hate the idea that someone else has shared a more intimate or passionate moment with my husband than I....

Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 200
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 200
Liz your feelings are perfectly normal for someone that has been through what you have been through. I wanted to know everything my wife did with the other man. Talk to your husband and tell him what you want him to do. Sometimes us men are stupid whenever it comes to a woman's sexual needs. I still ask my wife what she would like me to do even at my age. I am 58 she is 54. Communication is the key to a good sex life between married couples.

Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,820
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,820
Liz,
I was sort of the same way, we never had a problem in bed but there is always room for improvement and after my husband's affair, I was more vocal about how I liked things and about new ways......I figured if I was working on a better marriage it would be across the board, I also had a bit of the feeling of being better than the OW could ever have been.
Your husband's affair had nothing to do with you or your physical appearance, it was about his weakness and lack of boundaries, that is what you two need to fix.....He needs to understand what he needs to work on..........the rest will fall into place with communication and filling each other's needs........don't let one night ruin the rest of your marriage......make it the best it can be and have fun working it all out...........enjoy the bedroom as well.......


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 8
L
Liz75 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
L
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 8
I appreciate your comments and support. It's true, it feels like "she's" my competition and I almost want to prove that I am better than she was. I told my husband that it is hard feeling like they shared more passion than what we have and he said that just isn't so but I have a hard time believing that for some reason. Truthfully, as much as I hate the thought, I would assume an affair would have a certain excitement to it just because it is "the forbidden fruit". On the same token, I need to believe that my husband is being sincere.

At one time something came up about the worst day if our life and my husband said he had two. The day he had the affair and the day he confessed. I made a jab at him and said something about it being his "best" and "worst" day. I know that it really hurts when I do things like this and I know I need to stop and move on (I think in general I am good about it but once in awhile...). I seriously think I do so well and then something triggers "that thought" and randomly I just get sick to my stomach and angry inside.

We were doing the the Marriage Builders at home workshop and just as I feared, it was like the antibiotic syndrome, as I refer to it. You do it until things start to get better and then you stop. I hate to nag but then I wonder how I will get him to just finish it with me. I told him it is important to me and that I want him to initiate it so I am not always the one to bring it up. He said he knows and he will do better but still doesn't do it. Ahh! Very frustrating!

Anyway, our sex life is better, I just want to make sure it is for the right reasons and not because I am comparing myself to this other person. I also don't want that to be my measure on how my husband feels about me because I know otherwise but it still seems to be in the back of my mind.

I know this is hard for both of us and I do need to understand that this one night doesn't define my relationship even though it really really stinks!!!!

Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,820
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,820
Liz75,

My husband has said to me since we have been in recovery that making love to me while he is in love is the most important part of an intimate emotional relationship, sex is sex..........it's much better when you are in love.
I am sure your husband feels a lot of what was wrong with the affair not just the excitment part, my husband says when he thinks of it now it just brings up all the guilt and hurt he caused me, us and our boys.........there is nothing good about it now.....once that fantasy is broken reality hits hard and any good feelings they may have had is now tarnished with the hurt it created....
when I have triggers I just say how sad I am that our lives are forever changed by his choices but I look forward to the rest of the days that don't feel like that......
I gave my husband a list of things that I needed him to do so I could feel better in the relationship since I am the one left with doubt. He keeps his list in his desk and reviews it often, I just said there are things you can change and I expect that to happen.......the past can't be changed but somethings can.......
I think being intimate with my husband is much better but I too compare and think about his affair, we are all human, when I start to go there, I give him a great big kiss and think how grateful I am to still have the man I love and the life I love..........it could have gone a different way.....remember this too, sex isn't the most important part in a relationship it is the emotional conncection that is the best, feels the best.........concentrate on getting the closest you can.......be his right arm.......
I agree it stinks but look at it as an opportunity, I don't know about you but my marriage before the affair was not like it is now.......my husband isn't the same, I am not the same I have been married almost 24 years and I feel more in love now than any other time in my marriage, feels great.........he is great, get yourself there and forget what you can't change.
good luck


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Liz75
We were doing the the Marriage Builders at home workshop and just as I feared, it was like the antibiotic syndrome, as I refer to it. You do it until things start to get better and then you stop. I hate to nag but then I wonder how I will get him to just finish it with me. I told him it is important to me and that I want him to initiate it so I am not always the one to bring it up. He said he knows and he will do better but still doesn't do it. Ahh! Very frustrating!

Hi, Liz,

We also enrolled in the MB Online Seminar. Most of the time, I initiated the lessons, and FWH was nearly always okay with the timing. If I waited for him, it would have taken much longer and I would have been frustrated often. H simply doesn't think of the MB homework like I did.

So my gentle suggestion is to go ahead and initiate it yourself. He's already onboard with MB, so just ask him, "How would you feel about doing our MB homework now, in ten minutes, etc."

We did our MB homework several nights a week, a part of a chapter at a time or a worksheet. Sometimes we listened to MB Radio together. It was, and still is, nearly always me who initiates it, but it doesn't seem to matter, because he always is happy to do it with me. We read the page(s) aloud together and did the worksheet together as well.

I think of it this way: my H almost always initiates SF and never seems to resent it, because he's the one who wants it the most, and I'm always happy to join him.

Your H also wants a great marriage, but maybe he's not really "into" the homework part of it. So just make it easy for him to join in with you.


Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,079 guests, and 45 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5