Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 7 of 20 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 19 20
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 127
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 127
Trust me I have a plan! See this is small town America. My dad has always been great friends with the county attorney. My sister married his son. All of us go hunting together and hang out. He is known as one of the harshest lawyers in this area. I can take care of this situation if it gets that far. I will push that issue to the max!


15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 127
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 127
I've called him a few times. Can you imagine he won't answer. I can't talk to him in person. Growing up I got in a few fights (50-100) my temper will get to me and I can't do that. I will take it to far. I'm no good to my kids in jail.


15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,156
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,156
Originally Posted by StupidMe
I've called him a few times. Can you imagine he won't answer. I can't talk to him in person. Growing up I got in a few fights (50-100) my temper will get to me and I can't do that. I will take it to far. I'm no good to my kids in jail.
A self aware man. Okay, I like that. How about taking a friend with you to keep you in check?

On second thought, I might give it a day to see what happens from the fallout of your exposure. This wuss may run for the hills on his on after he sees what you've done to call his sorry [censored] to the carpet. Remember, he's nothing but a coward looking for a cheap thrill, but at your expense. Put the fear of SM in him.


Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson


Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 843
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 843
I hope she likes living with all his family. Her name is ruined? she ruined it, not you. All you did was shine a light on what she was doing. Stay strong.

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
What about OMs family? Can they be leaned on?

They must be told

Get hold of OM or just have your wife write him an NC letter.

Plan A your socks off. What is your wife's top need?

Read Art of War in my sig - you need to tempt her out of the A into her dream marriage and threaten consequences if she does not commit.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 162
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 162
SM,
Is this what your wanting, a divorce? You are taking only bits of what people are suggesting and going on a rampage with only the thing that can destroy your marriage. If you want to save your marriage, there is more to this than just exposure and ending the affair! You are clearly angry right now, but going on a rampage with little or no information on or evidence of the affair, and not following some of the good advice given here you can easily ruin your chances of saving your marriage.

You have passed up a good opportunity to get information while your WW and her OM were in their fog and unaware you might snoop, they sure know now! Now they are on the defensive and it will be much more difficult for you to figure out just what happened to your marriage. In recovering your marriage from an affair you will find that lack of info can be a difficult thing to get past (you must know the truth to move on). Now you will have to rely on your WW's half truths and trickle truths, and trust me it will be hard to know if she will ever tell you the truth.

I suggest you take a step back, take a deep breath and decide what you want to do from here. You're on the wrong board if you just want a divorce, this forum is for saving marriages. Think long and hard about it, before you destroy your chances to recover your marriage.


Me BH previous user name SEM
WW Senninpaswife previous user name Keep Smiling
Married 16 years - HS sweethearts
2 kids, Boy 15 years, Girl 13 years

WW's Affair #1,2,3,4 @ 1 year into marriage All ONS type PAs
DDay #1 09/11/01 False recovery for 10 years

WW's Affair #5 07/11 - 10/11 with my best friend EA&PA
DDay #2 11/27/11
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 127
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 127
Well after a long weekend of thinking and not arguing with her, I'm not sure what I want. I don't know why I'm so upset she wants to move. Was it because of the kids hurting? Was it because I lover her? Am I just scared of change?

Our marriage hasn't been all roses and I know none are. I guess I need to do lots more thinking and see what I really want in life.


15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Originally Posted by StupidMe
I guess I need to do lots more thinking and see what I really want in life.

naughty

You need to think how you can best honor your vows/integrity/family.

You're not some 20-year-old searching for self.

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Quote
We have 3 kids 13, 11, 4.

They don't give a CRAP about your search for "what I really want in life".

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Sorry, I am too hard on you.

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Originally Posted by StupidMe
Well after a long weekend of thinking and not arguing with her, I'm not sure what I want. .

Of course you dont. No BS knows at this stage! You havent even looked at the possibility yet and that will take months..

Deciding what is wrong, today, without trying to salvage the M is like looking at a shut car hood and trying to figure out what is wrong with the engine underneath.

Originally Posted by indiegirl
What about OMs family? Can they be leaned on?

They must be told

Get hold of OM or just have your wife write him an NC letter.

Plan A your socks off. What is your wife's top need?

Read Art of War in my sig - you need to tempt her out of the A into her dream marriage and threaten consequences if she does not commit.


Do this. Kill the A if only to get rid of loser stepdaddy. Plan A your wife - simply to keep your options open.

In a few months time, you will be able to decide based on the situation you have been able to create.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 127
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 127
She has moved out, I couldn't stop that!

I believe I have killed the affair. Everyone in town knows everything. She stopped going out in public because she is embarresed to be seen. She is blaming it all on me for causing this. I told her she started it and I had to finish it. We are actually getting along decent now. I think some counseling will start in a couple weeks.

I'm still having my thoughts on everything now. I need more thinking time to decide all of that.

What's next?


15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247
If you are going to do ANY counceling, please consider using the Harley's. Anything else is a waste of time. At the very least make sure your counselor uses or has been trained by Marriage Builders...

You shouldn't make any big decisions while you are in crisis mode. Let things calm down a bit.

And as far as your wife's blaming you -- you know YOU didn't cause it right? It was her own actions. They could just as easily been caught by anyone...


Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Well done! What was the reaction of OM family? - they were key targets in this situation.

If she has moved out it is to create privacy for her affair, which she feels must be more secret now.

If she is still blaming you she is not repentent and still cannot be trusted. Waywards do this to ease their guilt. Which means she still has something to be guilty about. The A is ongoing.

Counselling is a TERRIBLE idea. Most counsellors (unless they use MB) have no idea how to save a marriage and just hand tissues out and let you vent. This provides the ideal opportunity for WW to bad mouth you while you pay for the privilege.

Then when all is done she tells everyone 'I tried, I went to counselling. I had to because he is a jealous psycho!' Thus giving her a respectable explanation for the end of the M.

Plan A her instead to put pressure on the A. Have you read the carrot and stick of Plan A?

Insist that she meet MB conditions, such as an NC letter to OM, to prove herself to you. I will post the conditions you need to put to her.

Have you gone to see a lawyer about protecting yourself financially? Active waywards are not to be trusted with your money. Or your sexual health either btw, use a condom if you get physical.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Rather than counselling (which all too often assumes you have done something wrong - or that she has deep rooted 'problems') simply insist she STOP her behaviour.

Write out these conditions and tell her this is what she needs to do to earn your forgiveness:

1. end all contact with the OM for life

2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

4. no more opposite sex friendships

5. complete honesty about her affair<s> � passing a polygraph

6. commit to a program of recovery that restores the romantic love in your marriage

Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage."

Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe.

Be extremely firm and tell her you just want to give her the chance to earn forgiveness.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 127
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 127
My thoughts right now, is to be nice. I don't need her moving back to her home town with my kids. Make sure my kids are taken care of. Make sure she is broke all the time so she has to struggle. She knows or at least thinks I can't afford much to help with kids, since I will be paying everything in my house. Take great care of my kids during this situation.

After a cooling off period. Have at least 1 phone session with the Harleys. After that do it on our own by having dates and talking a lot.

As for the affair it can't be kept a secret if it's still going on, I don't think it is. This town has 2,000 people and she moved on a busy street. Everyone will know very quickly.

We have been together since she was 17. Her mom beat the crap out of her and she moved in with me. She has never been on her own. She is so confused right now, I don't think she knows who she is. She needs a little time to figure that out.


15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,156
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,156
indie sez....

Originally Posted by indiegirl
2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

Then SM sez

Quote
She has never been on her own. She is so confused right now, I don't think she knows who she is. She needs a little time to figure that out.

You keep thinking like this and you're gonna start earning your screen name.


Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson


Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
Originally Posted by indiegirl
Rather than counselling (which all too often assumes you have done something wrong - or that she has deep rooted 'problems') simply insist she STOP her behaviour.

Write out these conditions and tell her this is what she needs to do to earn your forgiveness:

1. end all contact with the OM for life

2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

4. no more opposite sex friendships

5. complete honesty about her affair<s> &#150; passing a polygraph

6. commit to a program of recovery that restores the romantic love in your marriage

Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage."

Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe.

Be extremely firm and tell her you just want to give her the chance to earn forgiveness.


Good post indiegirl. You have remarkable language skills for a foreigner. MrRollieEyes

Work that list but add that you have a great counseling center run by Dr. Harley. His son and daughter work in their farthers practice. So lets make the phone call to set up an appointment.

Last edited by TheRoad; 02/09/12 06:58 PM.
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 127
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 127
I'm not feeling sorry for her! She needs to learn about paying bills. Buying gas, worrying about a flat tire, any and every little thing I can think of. She needs to see she can't have everything she wants now. Oh yeah how about a pair of Walmart jeans instead of brass buckle.


Best news ever tonight my 13 year old is staying with me he's not willing to move out. I new all those years of fishing, atving, boating would pay off. Now don't get pissy. We have told our kids from the beginning none of this is their fault and they had nothing to do with it. We have also said they can stay wherever they want, whenever they want no matter who's week it is.


15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 127
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 127
I've thought everything out. I want to save my marriage! The kids hate him and refuse to be around him. She has lost all most everyone including family. She has told me and my daughter she wishes none of this had ever happened. We are getting along pretty well. The kids have good and bad days the same as I do.

What do I do now? I'm lost for a direction to go at this point.


15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
Page 7 of 20 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 19 20

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,352 guests, and 57 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5