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#2596604 02/13/12 08:39 AM
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Not sure where this should go- but with Valentine's Day coming- I know a lot of people might go see a movie. And this is a warning that if you go see The Vow- it is a huge, gigantic trigger.

There is an unexpected infidelity issue in there- which left me a sobbing mess, and my FWS crying as well. It was a horrible stab in the gut in the middle of a well done movie ( it deals with a betrayed spouse choosing to stay with the wayward).

So- I just wanted to throw a warning out there- for anyone who might be contemplating seeing it. It was painful.

Last edited by RidicSit; 02/13/12 08:40 AM.

Thanks for all the support along the way.
I wish you all well. I'm outta here.
Peace.
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Who was the WS?

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Spoiler for movie alert:




The main characters are torn apart by the wife's amnesia. The wife does not know the husband- so she moves home with her parents- whom we know she has not spoken to for five years- but she doesn't know why- and no one will tell her.

We find out she has not spoken to them because she thought her mother was weak, and she was incredibly angry at her mother for staying with her father and reconciling after infidelity. She blames her mother- and it is awful.

The mother makes a wonderful point- and clarifies- but the scene is incredibly ugly and painful. My FWS was upset, and so was I.

It was an unexpected portrait of how infidelity traumatized every member of their family.

And it wasn't just a lovely romantic story. It was deep and painful. And there was no hint at all in the previews- so it was a total blindside.


Thanks for all the support along the way.
I wish you all well. I'm outta here.
Peace.
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RidicSit,

Yea I think a great many people see too much of it in real life who wants to watch it in a movie. Particularly when the actors are wealthy and more immune to the social costs of their behavior then most people. Sharon Stone encouraging girls to provide oral sex to boys being a glaring example, apparently Sharon never heard of oral HPV, idiot.

A preacher on the radio this morning claimed adultery / vice/etc destroys more lives then alcohol and drugs. I not sure of the accuracy of his claim, but minmum 30%?

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma #2596662 02/13/12 11:52 AM
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I was watching that Bill Maher show on HBO who I think is reall funny with my wife and his line of humor regarding Valentines Day and its simply a gift for bj holiday and how the level of gift was commeasurate with the level of sexual activity from your wife. He supported it with a couple of commercials from the Superbowl.

Funny until I had to take an anxiety pill.


Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
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I saw the movie this weekend with my sister and can't wait to take my husband to see it. The scene you described was powerful. It did not trigger me though..interesting. Maybe that is the difference between (you and your wife) working on recovery and (me) divorcing.


Originally Posted By: RidicSit
Spoiler for movie alert:




The main characters are torn apart by the wife's amnesia. The wife does not know the husband- so she moves home with her parents- whom we know she has not spoken to for five years- but she doesn't know why- and no one will tell her.

We find out she has not spoken to them because she thought her mother was weak, and she was incredibly angry at her mother for staying with her father and reconciling after infidelity. She blames her mother- and it is awful.

The mother makes a wonderful point- and clarifies- but the scene is incredibly ugly and painful. My FWS was upset, and so was I.

It was an unexpected portrait of how infidelity traumatized every member of their family.

And it wasn't just a lovely romantic story. It was deep and painful. And there was no hint at all in the previews- so it was a total blindside.

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I have a real simple rule; I don't watch Romantic movies.

It's lose/lose. Either infidelity comes up, and I am upset, or it absolutely does not, and I am upset.

If nothing blows up, I'm not watching it.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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At least the movie is not glamorizing adultery like most do!

But...this makes me think twice about wanting to see it. My daughter saw it (DD20) this past weekend and she didn't mention the scene to me. I just sent her an email and asked how it made her feel. Being a young adult who experienced her father's infidelity and how horrid it was on all of us, I wonder what she felt.

I asked her in the email if she has ever thought I am weak from staying with H.

Should be interesting to hear her reply.


"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

Me, FBW(46) H, FWH (43)
M - 21 yrs & counting
D (20)
S (18)
S (16)
Surviving and Thriving since November 2010 thanks to MB!
My Recovery Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538986#Post2538986
My Original Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457141&page=1

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...she didn't mention the scene to me. I...asked how it made her feel...I wonder what she felt...I asked her in the email if she has ever thought I am weak from staying with H.

Why? Why, for any of it? There is no answer, no response from her that is going to make you feel better. Consider:
A - "Yes, Mom, I'm still severely hurt by Dad's actions, and your decision to reconcile."
B - "No, Mom, I got over it. (And why don't you.....?)"

Go read my evidently useful posting on MMS's thread. The same discipline that I have urged him to develop I think would be of value to you. The pains BSs have to deal with are bad enough without inflicting them on themselves.

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Originally Posted By: NeverGuessed
...she didn't mention the scene to me. I...asked how it made her feel...I wonder what she felt...I asked her in the email if she has ever thought I am weak from staying with H.

Why? Why, for any of it? There is no answer, no response from her that is going to make you feel better. Consider:
A - "Yes, Mom, I'm still severely hurt by Dad's actions, and your decision to reconcile."
B - "No, Mom, I got over it. (And why don't you.....?)"

Go read my evidently useful posting on MMS's thread. The same discipline that I have urged him to develop I think would be of value to you. The pains BSs have to deal with are bad enough without inflicting them on themselves.


Oh, this isn't a painful exercise for me - asking my daughter these questions. I wanted the chance to discuss any residual feelings and see if anything needed resolving. My daughter and I are close, but she is not one to open up if she thinks it will make someone feel bad. #1, she needs to get over that and I need to help her in that area. #2, if she did think I was weak, by chance, I wanted the opportunity to explain to her why it was NOT weak. If her response had been B, "no mom..." then I would just say GOOD! lol

As it turns out, the answer was neither A nor B. I'm glad I asked her. She said that at the time she didn't think I should forgive him and she was very angry with him. However, she knows that us working things through was the right thing to do - and that she was proud of us, and me in particular. She said it would be different (in her view) if someone PUT UP WITH infidelity or just stayed because of image or social status - but she knew we were not doing that and we are now stronger than ever. She said she saw the value in saving the family and that she is thankful.

She also mentioned to me that H recently talked to her about something that was a trigger (my thread has details) and she could see how thoughtful he was being - looking out for my feelings.

SO - a very positive exchange.

Plus - you have to remember - I'm a psych/communications major. This stuff interests me on an academic level as well as personal. (Wasn't looking for pain!)


"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

Me, FBW(46) H, FWH (43)
M - 21 yrs & counting
D (20)
S (18)
S (16)
Surviving and Thriving since November 2010 thanks to MB!
My Recovery Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538986#Post2538986
My Original Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457141&page=1

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The long-term key is "Trigger - Analyze trigger - Dismiss trigger". Adding "Discuss trigger with others" and "Reconsider trigger based on recent feedback" is counter-productive, IMHO.

You're giving the ugliness of the affair life it should not have. Again, opinion from a fellow layman.

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Originally Posted By: NeverGuessed
The long-term key is "Trigger - Analyze trigger - Dismiss trigger". Adding "Discuss trigger with others" and "Reconsider trigger based on recent feedback" is counter-productive, IMHO.

You're giving the ugliness of the affair life it should not have. Again, opinion from a fellow layman.


I wasn't, in my opinion, dealing with a trigger here, however. I know I mentioned a recent trigger - but that was separate from my asking my daughter about the movie. The movie - or thought thereof, was not a trigger for me. But - yes, I wanted to know her thoughts on it. I had never thought of the fact the movie apparently brings up about what my daughter may think because of us reconciling. I felt that needed addressing. We never talked about it after the fact and I think you need to deal with those things. After all, it's my job to help shape her ideas of what marriage is all about and how to go about it.

I didn't trigger from any of it - not one ugly, negative feeling. It made me feel better and it gave me a chance to discuss some very important matters of marriage building with my 20 year old daughter - who has recently gotten involved in a relationship that seems to have legs.

Last edited by SunnyDinTX; 02/14/12 09:42 AM. Reason: terrible writing, originally!

"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

Me, FBW(46) H, FWH (43)
M - 21 yrs & counting
D (20)
S (18)
S (16)
Surviving and Thriving since November 2010 thanks to MB!
My Recovery Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538986#Post2538986
My Original Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457141&page=1

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not to threadjack but we just had a horrible experience i usually dont like these kinds of movies myself but it was giving me some time with my wife cuddling next to each other.
i didnt know anything about the movie i came into it a little late but i will never ever watch this movie again triggered me so bad that i was shaking.

afterwards when i found out what the movie was is when i told my wife i will never watch that movie again.

"UNFAITHFULL"


male 43 years old
married 9 years (might not make it to 10 years)
3 kids 1 from previous marraige 2 from current marriage
Rouge1 #2596769 02/13/12 07:03 PM
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Originally Posted By: Rouge1
not to threadjack but we just had a horrible experience i usually dont like these kinds of movies myself but it was giving me some time with my wife cuddling next to each other.
i didnt know anything about the movie i came into it a little late but i will never ever watch this movie again triggered me so bad that i was shaking.

afterwards when i found out what the movie was is when i told my wife i will never watch that movie again.

"UNFAITHFULL"


I think Liam Neeson handled it appropriately...


... ok, maybe not. Wishful thinking...


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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wrong movie im talking about the one with richard gere


male 43 years old
married 9 years (might not make it to 10 years)
3 kids 1 from previous marraige 2 from current marriage
Rouge1 #2596814 02/13/12 11:44 PM
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Nah, wrong actor. Right actress. Haven't seen the movie forever. However, what I do remember is Richard Gere... ahem... removing the OM from the equation.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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movies/tv used to be a really bad trigger for me - i couldn't believe how much of our "entertainment" is centered on infidelity, and as if it's some kind of joke! i don't know if it's because it was easier to accept my feelings over someone else's situation, or what, but i sure spent a lot of time crying over books, tv, and movies. watching tv together was *very* painful for a long time (we didn't know about mb then). the worst was love actually. when emma thompson finds the necklace her h bought for that scheming twist in his office...when we first saw it, my husband said something along the lines of "that's what she gets for snooping." that hurt me so badly and should have been a big red flag. anyhow, 4.5 years past d-day and films/tv don't bother me too much anymore (thank goodness; it felt like it never would recede) and one of the things i really appreciate about our recovery is my h's transparency (not to mention the reboot in thinking). we've even watched love actually a couple of times. it hurts less each time; in fact, i would say the the trigger has become an opportunity (for open & honest communication).

thanks for the head's up on this one. maybe there should be a "film review" thread with appropriate ratings!


fBW 49
xWH 55
DD 22
DDay 6/07
D 8/15
Letting Go
Letty #2597461 02/15/12 10:30 PM
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oh dear, while we're on the subject, i just saw a post (elsewhere) for a movie called "last night" with kiera knightly. that one looks like a big stay-away for both h & w's.


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DDay 6/07
D 8/15
Letting Go
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Even the Disney channel is a trigger. There was a show called Zack and Cody on a big Yacht. Their parents abandoned them for their own musical careers and it was celebrated all the time on that Disney show.

Recently I just watch Good Luck Charlie. They use lovebusters galore and recently flaunted the neighbor divorcing and then dating the guys dad. I was so disgusted for my kids. They cannot even watch TV without seeing divorce glorified.

I have to make sure to watch what they are watching to make sure they are seeing positive influences. When I see something like the Good Luck Charlie episode I simply say to my D8, "You know that isn't loving and kind to make divorce okay. Divorce destroys families." She just looks at me and says, "I know mom!"

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Hey the next one is "the decesendants"
the premise is an affair that the wife was involved in and the confrontation and anger of the BS's also is a feature.........


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
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