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What do you mean don't use blackmail us the truth? It will all be truth.
So your saying use this approach 100%? I assume I should expect her to totally blow up even more then she ever has during this time?
I know her and my daughter have talked and told her she regrets everything that has happened and wish she had never done it. She said it will never be the same though so she can't go back.
I'm thinking this might be the push she needs to start working our marriage problems out. If its the push away, I've lost nothing because she wants a divorce anyway.
15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
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I've been reading tons about exposing and ending the affair. I have a plan!!!
I need your opinions!!!
When my 4 year old comes to my house Friday night and I ask him if uncle David was there and if he says yes. I start world war 3!
I tell my wife she knew what would happen if he was there. I tell her I'm doing this because I care about my family! I tell her I know the best thing for my family is us to be in love and have happy children. I love her and I know whats best. I will not divorce her while she is with him.
After that I tell her she has to choices.
Choice 1
She ends everything with him NOW! She ends everything 100% and she moves back and we work on the Marriage Builders Program. We have open everything. We both have each others passwords to facebook, phone, email, etc. I will not divorce you while you have feelings for him, if you want divorce now it will be WAR. We don't have to sleep in the same bed. We will be together as a family> We will work on marriage builders together. We will spend time together talking and discussing everything. 100% honesty will happen. If she still hates me in a year, she can have her easy divorce.
Choice 2
She keeps seeing him! I file divorce because of adultery. I tell all of her daycare parents the truth about her having an affair! Who wants their kid to be watched by someone with zero morals. She will loose daycare kids and her job/money. I supena everyone she has ever partied with and has seen stuff happen between them. I'm guessing it will be about 25 people. I will have him supened also and have him tell about his 3 some with him and another guy and girl he was bragging about early this winter and said he had pictures. I drag him through the mud. His dad is in prison for child porn. That looks very bad on him in a town this small. I can ruin him and her in this town! She won't be able to get a job. People without jobs, don't have vehicles, houses, furniture! People that don't have that stuff don't have kids! I hate to say anything about kids because that causes war with her.
Whats every ones thoughts. I have local people telling me NO! Uh, you left a LOT of this out initially if memory serves me correctly, but unfortunately, it seldom does. What the hell are you waiting on? This should have been blown sky high from the beginning! If she loses customers, and respect, because of her self inflicted character degradation, then so be it. Not your fault. That was HER choice. She has the God given liberty to make her choices, but she NO say in the consequences of those choices. What you do from here is up to you. I know what I would do.
Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
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I've never thought of it as being at war with her. I still love her even though I'm pissed off this happened. She's the mother of my kids.
15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
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Posts: 127
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Uh, you left a LOT of this out initially if memory serves me correctly, but unfortunately, it seldom does.
What the hell are you waiting on? This should have been blown sky high from the beginning! If she loses customers, and respect, because of her self inflicted character degradation, then so be it. Not your fault. That was HER choice. She has the God given liberty to make her choices, but she NO say in the consequences of those choices.
What you do from here is up to you. I know what I would do. I never actually thought about it. Until early this morning, you know the normal 2-3am awake times now days. I realized I will not divorce her while she is having an affair. She is not thinking straight. I realized I have to END the affair NOW. This evil plan popped into my mind.
15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
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Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,156
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Uh, you left a LOT of this out initially if memory serves me correctly, but unfortunately, it seldom does.
What the hell are you waiting on? This should have been blown sky high from the beginning! If she loses customers, and respect, because of her self inflicted character degradation, then so be it. Not your fault. That was HER choice. She has the God given liberty to make her choices, but she NO say in the consequences of those choices.
What you do from here is up to you. I know what I would do. I never actually thought about it. Until early this morning, you know the normal 2-3am awake times now days. I realized I will not divorce her while she is having an affair. She is not thinking straight. I realized I have to END the affair NOW. This evil plan popped into my mind. Oh so wrong way of thinking here! It's not an evil plan, but a loving one. Your plan is to kill this affair so you can have a standing chance at recovering your marriage. This is not about revenge, or evil intentions, retribution, etc etc. This is about taking all measures to restore your family. You keep up this attitude and frame of mind then you might as well head straight to divorce court. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Now, do what needs to be done.
Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Do not threaten to expose the affair unless she does this or that. That IS blackmail and will be resented. A lot. You only task right now is end the affair. So: Expose. No warning to let her get out ahead and spin things around and tell everyone you are crazy. Just have your exposure targets lined up and tell them calmly and matter of fact and ask then for their help to end the affair because you want to work things out. No emotional pleas, no embellishments, just the truth. What they do is up to them. Just tell the truth. Do it all at once as fast as you can, no dragging it out. Follow the link in this link and read a summary of my story. mmmherb story A coerced concession (ie, I will tell if you don't do this or that) is useless and will make her really hate you. Not like she does now, but for real. You are at war with what she is now, an affair addled wayward wife. It is time for action, not saber rattling. If you don't expose, the affair will not be killed. It may be dormant, but not dead. It should be exposed even if she comes back. It needs to be destroyed forever. The light of exposure can do that.
Last edited by mmmherb; 02/29/12 11:18 PM. Reason: Edited out bad advice
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WOW, I think I'm taking a day off tomorrow. I need to get things lined up and ready. I need to get phone numbers, addresses, talk to lawyer again. I need to prepare myself for this war I've been in since January 29th and didn't know I was in. I feel like such an idiot. I've been in a gun fight with a knife and I'm done. I need to do some spying in the morning also. I'm glad she lives so close.
I also need to get 100% ready for Plan B.
Just because I know I can and can do it easily, I'm taking this guy down so hard it's unreal! I plan on making it so hard for him he'll have to leave town. They started this war and I'm going to finish it!
If I get divorced because I get so nasty about this I don't care, I'm getting divorced as it sits now.
Wow I feel so much better! I can't wait to see the look on her face when I tell her what I've done!
If it goes to divorce now, I might have to get video of the court action.
15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
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There is a thread here titled the "Art of War" that you need to read. Do not reveal your strategy to the enemy. Do not threaten or reveal your plans.
Do not make statements like "I will not divorce you". Just don't. It might be how you feel, but she does not need to know that - it gives your power to her. She needs to be off-balance and unsure.
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And your exposure is not done in anger.
You need to set the right tone. You are not doing it to be vindictive -- but to ask for help in convincing your wife to END the AFFAIR.
Take the high road. Do exposure with KINDNESS. Then see the contrast when your WW goes ballistic and spews venom!
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You need to read Lexxxy's post.
Exposure is just giving information.
Make sure it is to everyone that can influence spouse.
It is a weapon against the affair. Not to stick it to people, not to teach a lesson, not to see the look on anyone's face.
I got no glee or real pleasure out of it. It was something to be done. There was satisfaction, but in knowing that I finally took a stand, not in what was to come, other than in the broad sense that the affair was damaged.
Do not come off to your wife or anyone else as a vindictive person. Ruins your credibility.
And vengeance is not healthy for you, either.
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And your exposure is not done in anger.
You need to set the right tone. You are not doing it to be vindictive -- but to ask for help in convincing your wife to END the AFFAIR.
Take the high road. Do exposure with KINDNESS. Then see the contrast when your WW goes ballistic and spews venom! Exactly! From my "carrot/stick" link......... HOW you expose is important
wording something like:
I am saddened to tell you my sweetie (WW/WH) is having an affair. It's been going on for (length of time).He/she refuses to end the affair. I want our marriage to recover from this affair. If you have any influence on my sweetie (WW/WH), please do what you can to get him/her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end.
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She said she hates me for everything I've done. I should have never told anyone about this. She said she's never coming back and wants a divorce right now.
She also said I look terrible with the weight I've lost. I'm right at the weight when we met years ago.
15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
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Posts: 35,996
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She said she hates me for everything I've done. I should have never told anyone about this. She said she's never coming back and wants a divorce right now.
She also said I look terrible with the weight I've lost. I'm right at the weight when we met years ago. Average wayward spew.(above) After exposure blowback (below .... from carrot/stick thread) Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.
Exposure makes the infidel furious
stay calm
breathe
no one can stay furious forever ... being furious is exhausting ... consumes a lot of energy ... let the furious infidel fume and exhaust his/her self
YOU stay cool
You will hear:
"That's it. We are never going to stay married after what YOU did."
"I am moving out now, thanks to you."
"You are getting OP in trouble at home."
"Now our kids will have a broken home thanks to you."
blah blah blah
You respond to all the raging comments: I am still holding out hope for our marriage.
You stay calm
You don't argue
You don't explain
You do not preach
You do not educate
~and~ you do NOT apologize for standing up for truth and marriage and keeping your family intact
YOU calmly re-state your belief that there is hope for the marriage ....
if things get out of hand ... excuse yourself and go for a walk or a drive ...
remember ... exposure makes the already foggy spouse act insane ... but it is temporary
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She said she's never coming back and wants a divorce right now. Did WW stomp her feet and thrust out her lower lip?  Remember, change the subject when she says stupid stuff. "I don't have divorce papers on me." (check your pockets as you speak) "Have you ever wondered what walking in Paris in the rain feels like?"You don't even need to make sense. Or, be on topic. Just be pleasant. "What is your favorite pasta sauce? I feel like cooking."
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I think she has those very hidden deep feelings that maybe it could work out but feels it's to far gone. She is so stubborn it's unreal, actually we both are. I'd still like to save it at this point. As long as she is involved with OM it can never work out! My feelings exactly SC. My W sounds the same. Very stubborn and I feel she thinks it's gone too far. If you haven't already, check out my thread.
Me: 49
WW: 45
Married almost 23 years
Together 26+ years
DS18
DD15
D-Day: 7/28/11
Separated: 11/18/11
WW filed for D on 2/14/12 (3 days after near full exposure)
D final: 9/17/12
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I read your story sounds the same, actually most sound the same!
My Plan A has been terrible to this point! I hope I haven't pushed her to far away.
Does there come a time in all of this that the BS just gives up and get the divorce over with? I still love her and want to work it out. I'm just not sure I can handle this much pain for months on end. Loosing 20 lbs in 30 days is not good.
It kills me to know she is spending time with him. I love having my kids here and got all of them with me for the next week. On the other hand I like them being with her then I know she is not with him.
Just thoughts running through my head after waking up in the middle of the night.
15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
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Posts: 127
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Hopefully that helped!
Once in awhile we hit the donut shop on a Saturday morning. I went this morning and got my wife's favorite. I sent her a text and said the donut fairy has arrived and left it on her door knob. I didn't get a reply but it made me feel good. I know those days/nights without kids are terrible.
15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
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Posts: 6,352
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How are her finances? I know you drained your common accounts a while ago.
Keep this in mind as this move forward. You wife's previous life and lifestyle enabled her to hook up with POSOM. He doesn't seem to have brought a lot to the table (Living with Granny? Really?) One of your best strategies will be making sure her "new" lifestyle is getting no support from you, to continue her shagging of Mr. H2.
You say she does daycare? Were Mr H2's nieces/nephews your wife's clients? Would all the other mothers who drop their children with WW be interested in learning that WW bags other men - like possibly THEIR HUSBANDS? Certainly might reduce the business, wouldn't you say?
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She is going to struggle to make it. She can make it though. She won't have near the life style she had before. She owns the H2 not him.
Her daycare parents know about him.
15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
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Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 127
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A good night! My daughter and I baked a cake this afternoon and she made enchiladas and spanish rice. She called the wife and she came over for supper. We had the table set, TV off and had a nice time with lots of laughing and joking. She actually set here for a little bit after dinner and we all talked about the kids fun day of getting to go off roading and them getting to drive.
Tomorrow were going to my sisters to see the horses and feed the new bucket calves.
15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
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