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Joined: Jun 2002
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Shescrazy...just read your story. Everything here looks typical...nothing new. And in many ways, as others have told you...yoi have done good. So, the attaboys are deserved for those.

But I am going to do to you what several good people did to me when I was going through my mess ten years ago. Put your helmet on because I am going to smack you around a bit. Okay?

First, as you know, your wife has left all sanity behind right now. She is in the fog of an affair. Now, you have kids about the same ages mine were when it happened to me. Do you think your kids need TWO parents flopping around like fish on the deck of the ship?

Look, we understand the feelings that come with all of this. And unfortunately, no one ever gave us a marriage roadmap before we got married. So, many of the things you are doing are natural and expected. But guess what? You are the MAN of the house. Unfortunately, you dont get to do the EXPECTED.

Your family NEEDS you to be the sane person...the rock. Unmoving, unchanging. There is so much change going on right now. Your kids feel unsafe. And to be honest, they dont even trust you...as you flop around from wanting the marriage and talking about divorce. No one can feel safe in that environment...INCLUDING your wife!!!

When I said above that your FAMILY needs you to be the rock, that includes your wife! Look, you want to know who is the MOST scared right now? It is your wife. She has made a huge mess. As you said, everyone has turned against her, including her kids. She has backed herself into a corner, and she has no idea how to get out of it.

And here, the one person that actually does care about her...is her family...and you go from saying "I love you" one minute, and then talking about taking her kids and leaving her with nothing the next. I know she made these stupid decisions. I know she continues to do insane things. But you MUST ask yourself RIGHT NOW...do you love her? Do you want your marriage to continue?

If the answer is no, then call your lawyer and end this now.

If the answer is yes, then being the rock means you are going to have to steady your hand on the steering wheel of this ship.

No more talk of divorce. When she talks about it, say "I do marriage, my lawyer does divorce. If you want to talk about marriage and our family...I am right here. If you want to talk about divorce, call my attorney." Stop THREATENING! Sure, you should be getting your waterfowl coaxially aligned! But you do that in silence. You prepare yourself for what you HOPE wont happen. But EVERYTIME you tell her what you will do to her...it comes as a threat to her...and she moves further away from you.

I know she is hurting you. But you are hurting her. Now, will YOU be the sane one and stop this cycle of hurt? Love means NOT giving your wife what she DESERVES and instead giving her what she NEEDS!

I saw a few pages back you wanted to know how to know when to go to Plan B. First off, you need to do a stellar Plan A. Plan B will NEVER work without it. But, let me help you with this a little. When I was in my mess, I promised myself that I would do the following (and I did everyday): I woke up early every morning before the kids woke up. I walked into their rooms, sat beside their beds and looked at them. I spent about ten minutes with each of them. Then I went back to my room and asked myself...am I ready to end this? As long as the answer was NO, then I went on with that day and my plan.

When the answer is YES, well, then you call the lawyer...you go dark to her...and you leave it all in God's hands.

I could post a very long post here. But you have talked to Steve. The Harley's books and principles are here to read (or but and read). And on these threads are countless stories JUST LIKE YOURS. And many successes.

I dont know if you are a Christian or not, but if you are...you need to know that God has called you to love your wife like Jesus loves us. What kind of love is that? It is the kind that loves her even though she is actively hurting you. We were killing Jesus, yet He loved us. This is no different!

No matter how this all ends, your path is the same. You must earn your way out of the marriage. You must do everything you can to rescue your family. All of it! If your wife choses to stay in the burning building, you cannot force her to leave. But I can tell you...almost all women want to be rescued, whether they want to admit it our not.

So, come here and vent and lose it sometimes. But with your family...you MUST maintain control. Time to fully man up.

Last edited by Mortarman; 03/04/12 10:14 AM.

Standing in His Presence

FBS (me) (48)
FWW (41)
Married April 1993...
4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B))
Blessed by God more than I deserve
"If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"

Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
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Oh, and one quick thing more...defending boundaries is doing the right thing. So saying the kids are not to be around the OM is proper. Saying if the kids are around the OM, you are going to take her to court and leave her destitute is not.

For example, here is the right way to handle that:

"Our family does not want to be around the OM. This is not proper, and you know it. Our kids know it, because we both raised them right. With that, you must understand in order to protect our family, the OM can never be around our kids. You know that I will do anything to protect our family. I love all of us, including you. So, understand that I cannot allow that to happen."

Then leave it. If you find out that she has, then you go to your attorney and have him be the bad guy. Have him send your wife the letter with the "threats." Dont let it come from you!

And once he does, and she screams at you...say it all together now folks: "Honey, I do marriage, I dont do divorce. If you want to talk about our marriage and our family, I am right here. If you want to talk about you being in adultery and divorce, then you have my attorney's number."

You are going to have to learn a new way of thinking...a new way of dealing with this situation. Once you do, you will realize you have so MUCH MORE power this way, than with the way that comes natural.


Standing in His Presence

FBS (me) (48)
FWW (41)
Married April 1993...
4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B))
Blessed by God more than I deserve
"If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"

Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
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MM is the best!

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Thank You MM!

I needed that! I know my Plan A has been terrible to this point. I have done lots of reading this week. I know what I have to do now! I have to be the best dad I can be and look good to her. Be kind and nice and lots of praying.


15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 4,712
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Originally Posted by shescrazy
Thank You MM!

I needed that! I know my Plan A has been terrible to this point. I have done lots of reading this week. I know what I have to do now! I have to be the best dad I can be and look good to her. Be kind and nice and lots of praying.

Yes, all of those things. But a warning...many new BSs think they have to be FAKE. No need for that! If she is doing something that is hurting her...tell her. Another example on how the natural way works...and how you should do it:

Natural way: [while raising your voice] "You called him again last night. You are horrible. You dont deserve me or our kids..." blah, blah, blah.

Right way: [stated calmly, but with the feelings you have] "You calling the OM hurts me, and you know it. I do not understand why you continue to want to hurt me and our family. I would appreciate that you not carry on your affair in front of me and the kids. It is painful to all of us. And it isnt fair."

See the difference? And once you say it, then get off of it. The point has been made. She may come back and say 'well, you hurt me, blah, blah, blah." Dont get lured into those kind of tit-for-tat arguments with a wayward. You cannot win an argument with the insane.

Instead, state facts and let the facts work their way through the fog. Deep down, she knows you are right.


Standing in His Presence

FBS (me) (48)
FWW (41)
Married April 1993...
4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B))
Blessed by God more than I deserve
"If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"

Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 4,712
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Hey Pep!


Standing in His Presence

FBS (me) (48)
FWW (41)
Married April 1993...
4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B))
Blessed by God more than I deserve
"If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"

Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 127
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Can someone explain this?

She got my shop vac a couple days ago. She just showed up unannounced and asked if she could clean her vehicle over here. She is in the garage right now. She's in a really good mood also.

I hope this is a good thing because it makes me happy.


15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 3,786
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She is cake eating and it is your time to Plan A like a rock star.

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I just find it kind of odd she came over. She told me middle of last week she hated me and wants a divorce right now. Since that day I have been nothing but nice and inviting to her.


15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 3,786
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It's because she is insane at the moment and following her feelings ... since her HIGH is fluctuating ... somedays she is a horrible mess and somedays she is normal.

It will never make sense to us betrayed spouses because we aren't waywards.

That is why you Plan A with no expectations ... NEVER EVER LISTEN to her when she spouts off venom ... understand she is not in her right mind and should be treated accordingly.

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Waywards need their betrayed spouse to be okay with everything. She is looking at you for not only her needs to be met, but also for her to not feel so guilty ... This goes hand in hand with divorce.

Waywards all have the fantasy that you will be friends forever and the children will just love the new adultery partner.

This is why Plan A is always followed by Plan B ... you show the wayward what life as married and if they still refuse to end the adultery then you cut them off completely:

1)To heal yourself and give them a path back to the marriage
2)(and/or) Show the wayward you will not be friends after the divorce and the wayward will be as good as dead to you.

Your EXPOSURE put a nail in her adultery. She is fence sitting and cake eating. Her emotions fluctuate hourly ... your job is to remain cool and sane.

Plan A with no expectations ... show her the kind of husband you are and will be if she commits to recovery.

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The wife and just talked a long time. It started off about the kids. Then went on to her telling me she is happy now and has moved on. She wants me to do the same so we can have a nice easy divorce soon and still be friends.

#�#^�{~' this crap is driving me crazy!!!


15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
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How did you respond to her?







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We talked nice the entire time. I told her I haven't moved on with my life yet and still can't file for divorce. I told her I'm slowly getting over it and trying to be happy in life.

Is this a normal response from a WW?


15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
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Normal for sure.

Next time she says she is happy and has moved on, calmly mention that if she changes her mind, you are willing to build something wonderful with her. Then, change the subject.







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It's still way to soon for a reply like that!


15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 3,786
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Crazy - this is where you begin to realize how fogged out she is ...

She is willing and intentionally giving your children a motherless home ... repeat!

Your Plan A needs to be spectacular ... show her what she is missing.

She is willing and intentionally giving your children a motherless home ... repeat!

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I understand 100%! I've had her so ticked off a few times the last 30 days it's unreal. I need to let that dust storm settle before I go that route. I will but I want to do a nice Plan A. For 2-3 more weeks without any setbacks before I try that approach. Right now she wouldn't listen to any of it.

She is totally focused on him right now! The new needs to wear off of him awhile. I'm still looking my best and improving myself. Each day this seems to get just a bit easier. Trust me still a few bad days here and there though.


15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 594
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Originally Posted by shescrazy
It's still way to soon for a reply like that!
You really need to listen.

Plan A is showing her how attractive you are.

Confidence and sureness of your future = attractive.

"please reconsider, I need you... etc., etc." = weak
weak = not attractive

you will not talk her into anything or plead or reason her into anything.

Her at least think that you are not falling apart or dependent on her love will be at least intriguing to her. Her thinking that she does not have power over you is vital.

This is the perfect time for that response.


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Ok I'll do it next time it comes up! I know it bothers her to death if she thinks I'm going out. Last weekend she came to get the kids and I had a pair of jeans on my bed. The pockets were still wet is the only reason they were there. I know it bothered he a bunch.

Me and a few buddies are leaving the weekend of the 16th to a gambling town in Colorado. My 13 year old refuses to stay at her house. I plan to take him to her brothers house. I think it's going to drive her nuts that I'm leaving to have fun. It's going to kill her that her own son won't be with her.


15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
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