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Seeing a lawyer is not a love buster.

It is protecting yourself and your children.

A love buster would be seeing one and talking about it with her and using it to manipulate her to behave like a 'good' girl.

You can not educate or manipulate waywards. You can only be your best you and not enable her to further her fantasy romance with someone else by being an angry man or a man who takes anything that comes his way with no consequences to her.

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ShesCrazy....look, I dont know if you have read Dr. Harley's books or not. But you need to grasp the concepts to be able to do this. Love bank. Love units. Love busters. These things are very specific.

Getting a lawyer to protect the family is NOT a love buster, as stated above. When done in a deliberate way, the WS actually gains some mode of respect for the BS.

But, do you remember me saying something about steadying your hand on the rudder of the ship that is your family? Having your attorney protect boundaries is a proper thing. Threatening your wife with divorce, taking the kids, etc is not. You protect, you dont attack. Please understand the difference.

When you attack, she goes into protect mode. And there is no way she will put down her guard in that environment.

Look, if you have read everything from MB, everything here, then you know all of the possible outcomes here. And you will know how to recognize them when they happen. She hasnt a clue what she is doing, and where things are going or what possibilities are there.

You must be the Rock. You must be consistent. when she sees a letter from your lawyer, she will lash out. But your response of "I dont do divorce, I do our family..." will disarm her. She will be confused. "His lawyer is fighting me, but he is saying he loves me and is trying to save the marriage. That doesnt make sense to me."

To get thru the fog, you need to say the same things over and over and over. stay on message. If she says "I hate the color blue..." your response is "I love you and I want our family to heal and all of us to move forward together." LOL. Okay, that was silly, but I think you understand. STAY ON MESSAGE!


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4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B))
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Reading, Mortarman, MMMHerb, prayinsenently and everyone else that has replied, thank you so much!

I have read these last few pages several times. It all makes so much sence. I'm such a hands on guy and can fix anything. Now I have to learn an entire new way of thinking and learn it fast!!! I've made a small list of directions/facts you guys have posted and stuck it in my wallet. I will read it several times per day until I make these changes habit.

Yes I have bought a few of Dr Harleys books. Love Buster, Fall in Love, Stay in Love, his needs her needs. I have read any in entirety but have read a few chapters from each. I've also read tons of articles on website.

I also know I'm a high speed person. This is a "Slow Ride". I'm wanting results now and it's going to take a few months. Yesterday afternoon we sent a couple texts back and forth about preschool stuff for our youngest. Right at the end I asked if she'd like to come over for dinner and a movie for our weekly movie night. I never got a reply. It hurts but I accept it! I guess I just keep asking?

I know this war between her and my 13 year old is killing her. She thinks I'm making him hate her, well I'm not, he's old enough to know what's going on. She is afraid she's going to lose his love forever.

Last edited by shescrazy; 03/08/12 06:05 AM.

15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
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Originally Posted by shescrazy
I know this war between her and my 13 year old is killing her. She thinks I'm making him hate her, well I'm not, he's old enough to know what's going on. She is afraid she's going to lose his love forever.

The reality is he will loss his love for her. She is intentionally and cruelly giving them a motherless home. There isn't much admiration or ability to love that action. He may even grow to hate her ... this is why a firm understanding of Lovebusters and being accountable for ones own reactions is crucial to your parenting today. Teach him even though mommy is doing the most cruel and abusive action to your family ...you don't have to get angry ... you don't have to disrespect ... you don't have to have a negative reaction to it. Simply disengage and remove the abuse from your life. That is why if he wants to do no contact then support him ... if he wants to try and talk with her then you support him ... let your son find his boundaries ... let him engage her in a healthy manner. He can say something as simple as "Mom, your relationship with OM is too painful and cruel. I cannot be in your life until it ends. My hurt is too much and I will not take that abuse from you."

This is why you have to be both mother and father at this moment. He is being shaped to have a very bad reaction to your WW ... i.e. he will likely choose a woman of her caliber (as she is today I mean) if he doesn't learn how to react in a healthy way to her abuse ... that is why going away with the guys or doing anything else that removes you from your children's lives right now is dangerous.

They need you to be their rock. That means you are there for them every moment of everyday until the waves are calm and you can see more than 20 feet in front of you.

Your goal is to teach your children about emotional needs, how they work, how lovebusters are never good in any relationship. Your son's emotional needs are dramatically shifting because his mom is now the abandoner ... teach him about healthy boundaries (i.e. we don't follow our feelings we follow logic) ... teach him about true affection ... about how not to do lovebusters ... that is your goal at this time.

Your WW will fall and where she falls cannot be your worry. Your worry is being the leader of your family ... the best darn man you can be ... the best darn father ... you only have time to lose now ... implement this today.

Last edited by PrayIncessantly; 03/08/12 07:14 AM.
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A few thoughts for you:

Family court is a unique place. It tends to be mom friendly and difficult for dads. Filing first gives you an advantage to a degree but if your focus is on punishing her then it will come out and you will lose, no matter how good a lawyer you have.

Your lawyer is not what will win you your case. YOU are what will win you your case. You will be judged in every way and in how you carry yourself. Being calm and wearing a suit is good. Being abrasive and emotional is not.

You need to make it clear to your WW that you will not be friends if there is a D.

File a motion to give you primary and force her to pay CS. File for abandonment since she�s the one who left.

Check with your lawyer first on the specifics, though. This may technically not be abandonment.

Get a VAR and prepare yourself for false allegations of abuse. They�re coming. It�s a standard tactic.

But remove your overconfidence about family court. Fear it and treat it with the utmost respect because it will bite you in the a## as a man if you don�t play it right.

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She just called me and asked to get the divorce done now.

I told her I wasn't filing for divorce! I said I do marriage and fight to keep our family kids happy under one roof. She started going off, right in the middle I said have you noticed the pot hole in your street. It totally through her off.

She says its over she does not love me will never love me again and she will never move back in with me. I know her so well and she is so stubborn once she sets her mind to something she doesn't change.

Yes I think court could get nasty! I hate the thought that I could be an everyother weekend dad only. When I think about that stuff it makes me want to get the easy divorce and agree on everything so I don't have to do a nasty battle in court! I know women are favored in court. It scares me to death to think about that stuff. In some ways I wonder if I should just get it over with and if it's meant to be we might get back together someday. I know 2 couples who got divorced and now back together and totally happy


15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
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Originally Posted by shescrazy
She started going off, right in the middle I said have you noticed the pot hole in your street. It totally through her off.

rotflmao

Perfect !

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Check out the laws in your state for using a VAR.
If it's not illegal, carry one in your pocket.
If it's legal but not admissible in court, carry a VAR in your pocket.

How is your documentation going?
Have you read my thread titled "Document Document Document" ?

*** LINK *** to thread

Last edited by Pepperband; 03/08/12 09:45 AM.
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Originally Posted by shescrazy
In some ways I wonder if I should just get it over with and if it's meant to be we might get back together someday. I know 2 couples who got divorced and now back together and totally happy

If you want a divorce, get one.
If you roll over and expose your belly because you are too scared to fight for what you want, your chances of a happy future/reconciliation with WW are very dim indeed.

Think about what skill sets YOU need to bring to any future POJA-based marriage with a future wife.

Learn now how to stand for what you know is right. Even when it's difficult.

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The "pot hole" comment also made her think I was watching her house at that moment.

Right now I don't want a divorce but the more I think about him and her in bed it bothers me. I don't know if I can ever get those images out of my head. So everyday that makes me wonder if I want to keep fighting.

I've known the OM most of my life. He comes from a screwed up family but I honestly think he is normal and never do anything to hurt my kids. No I don't want him around my kids but I probably wouldn't want any OM around my kids.

Yes I have every text, face book message from her and everyone else saved.

If we get divorced and goto to court nasty. She will probably bring up my old days. Fighting non stop, drinking, dui's, illuding arrest, anger issues. When I get to thinking about that it scares the hell out of me.

I need to write down all this stuff so I can ask my lawyer his opinions tomorrow.


15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
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What matters more in court is the current stuff, not things from years and years ago. It all depends on how far in the past those things are.

There�s also no such thing as an amicable divorce.

There is no rush. If she wants a divorce, she can file for it, but I advise you to file to have the kids returned to the home and make you primary custodian.

Family court favors the person who is prepared, which is most often the woman, but the gender bias can be overcome with good preparation.

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All of that stuff was before we had kids.

I don't think I have a chance of being primary custodian of kids. Judges in this area always seem to give joint custody. I can't prove her unfit and I'm sure that's what would have to happen.

If I would get that done it would start the nastiest war ever!


15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
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Originally Posted by Pepperband
I don't recall there being one thread specifically discussing the need to DOCUMENT activities of one's WS (or the OP for that matter)

I'd like to begin by inviting everyone to add their own pearls of wisdom about how to DOCUMENT effectively.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
copied from another thread:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And keep a journal of all activity - starting today.
Make daily (dated) entries of any and all WH contacts.

in person
phone
text
etc, whatever

also make a log of people who you told:
"I had to cut off contact with WH because he physically attacked me during several arguements about his adultery."

Like this: ~~~> "Today our school principal asked how I was and I answered; "I had to cut off contact with WH because he physically attacked me during several arguements about his adultery."

Journal EVERYTHING. Just the facts. No feelings or assumptions about WH's motives.

Like this: ~~~> "Today April 3, WH sent a text saying: "You bi-ch, you will pay for this." I did not reply."

NOT like this: ~~~> "Today April 3, WH sent me a nasty text. Why is he so mean?"

See the difference?
DOCUMENT
DOCUMENT
DOCUMENT


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copied from another thread (written by Chrysalis)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little hint about documenting that I have not previously seen on this site.

Use a book that cannot easily be tampered with. For instance, do not use a loose leaf notebook with pages that can be added or subtracted.

Use a spiral notebook or a bound blank book or a student essay book. Date every entry as you write it.

Your writing should be just as it is, with mistakes, different pens, bad grammar, whatever.....

Just keep a daily record in a book that isn't subject to tampering.

That way no one will be able to easily accuse you of adding facts later. You might also note other significant events of the day, such as stock market crashes, bad weather, family birthdays-- things that document that an event happened on the exact day you said it did.

Do not make this a journal about your anger over your spouse's adultery. Just facts.

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Woo Ha! on your response to her divorce talk.

Think about this......why the rush to divorce?! What is in that for her? And, if she wants one ASAP....why doesn't she roll the ball? (Don't ask her these questions. Just keep them in mind as she expresses her craving for one).

Just protect your finances and the kids as best as you can.








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Originally Posted by shescrazy
The "pot hole" comment also made her think I was watching her house at that moment.

Right now I don't want a divorce but the more I think about him and her in bed it bothers me. I don't know if I can ever get those images out of my head. So everyday that makes me wonder if I want to keep fighting.

I've known the OM most of my life. He comes from a screwed up family but I honestly think he is normal and never do anything to hurt my kids. No I don't want him around my kids but I probably wouldn't want any OM around my kids.

Yes I have every text, face book message from her and everyone else saved.

If we get divorced and goto to court nasty. She will probably bring up my old days. Fighting non stop, drinking, dui's, illuding arrest, anger issues. When I get to thinking about that it scares the hell out of me.

I need to write down all this stuff so I can ask my lawyer his opinions tomorrow.

100% of people on this board have those images. It will take thought control on your part to get it out of your mind.

I think about my WH and realize it is just sex ... it isn't intimate or sexual fulfillment. His whore doesn't get my husband, she gets a POS, a liar, cheater, cruel and abusive man today ... nope she doesn't have my husband.

Just like that OM doesn't have your wife ... he has a whore who is a liar cheater and cruel and abusive woman. They will never have true intimacy ... they can't they are broken, lost souls who have nuke bombed their lives, family, and legacy.

Remember he never had your wife ... he will never have her ... he gets a shell of a woman ... that's it ... that's all it will ever be.

Fight like hell for your wife ... she can come home ... persevere through it all ... you can do this for your kids ... I know you can!!!

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Shescrazy, I love the response about the pothole. Exactly how you were supposed to respond. Remember...do NOT get sucked in when she starts yelling and screaming. Dont listen to a "drunk." They have no idea what they are saying. Not a clue.

All these things about my wife being stubborn, etc...I said also. And ten years later, we are still married.

We went to court twice. Both times, I was given basic control over the kids, even though we had joint custody. As was said above, you do have an uphill battle. But it is doable.

Remember, your WW is fogged out AND she is counting on her being a woman to get custody. This is to YOUR advantage!!!!! She wont do the things she needs to do in order to be ready for court. But you will.

First note about court: never trust your lawyer. He is there to litigate. He isnt going to go crazy on compiling evidence and facts. You will have to do that. I literally got EVERYTHING. I had a journal I wrote in EVERYDAY, and I left nothing out. I put in what the kids did, what I did. I kept track of expenditures on the kids, my wife. I tracked hours where the kids were with me, and with her. I put down interactions with her. EVERYTHING went into that log. And that will be HUGE in court. Pep's info above is perfect to get you the idea of what to do.

I also went to the daycare for my four year old and we subpoeaned the sign in/sign out logs for my son. And they showed that over that year, I had picked up the boy 98% of the time (1.5% my mother...and .5% my wife). Again, a huge thing showing who was engaged in their life day-to-day.

I took the kids to a counselor. I did it for two reasons. One to help them get through this. The second was again...the court sees that I am proactively engaged in taking care of them.

The VAR is crucial. If you read what happened to me, I actually got arrested! Luckily for me, my wife was so fogged out that she realized that if she went forward with the charges...that she would have to have the kids fulltime...and she didnt want that! So, she dropped them. But if I had been carrying a VAR, it is very easy to prove to the officer what happened!

Sign ALL notes, letters, etc dealing with the kids. The school needs a permission slip signed...YOU sign it! The little one needs to go for a check up at the dentist...YOU take him. At this point, let her be derelict in her duties as a mother. It will only help you.

Now, when you do something like take the boy to the dentist, make sure you provide a copy to her of the results (so you can show that you are sharing information) and the bill. Because she is going to have to be responsible for this also! Log this into your journal: "Took little Johnny to dentist. Had one filling. Gave copy of dentist report and bill to WW when she came to pick up kids." Again, this shows that YOU are the responsible parent PLUS you are making sure she is included in their lives. Judges are keen on that...that not only is the parent that is the most active the one that probably will get the most time and control...but if that parent also makes sure the other is included...it is a slam dunk.

Another note: nothing but the clothes on their back and basic stuff leave the family home to go to her place. If the kids want to play Nintendo at Mommy's place, then Mommy needs to go buy one. The FAMILY Nintendo stays put!

Another thing, at this point, I would do all interactions with her outside of the home. She doesnt enter the family home until the affair has ended and she is legitimately trying to reconcile. Change the locks immediately so she does not have free run of the house. Otherwise, you may come home to an empty house. Ask to drop off and pick up the kids...that way there really isnt a reason for her to come over.

Now, I could post a lot more. But you should be getting the drift here. Now, how does this pair up with Plan A? Remember, dont do ANY of this with a conversation with her. Just do it. Everything bad that happens is your attorney's fault...okay? Remember the mantra! Do seek out times to do things together. "Honey, the kids want to go to Chucky Cheese. We are going tomorrow at 6pm. Wanna meet us there?" Plan A is NOT being a doormat. If she says YES, then go have a good time. If she says NO, then document it! Actually, document BOTH because again, the judge will see you as the active and sane parent.

On your 13 year old son. A little advice. First, you are correct that he is free to feel as he wants about his mom. He is also free to say he does not want to go over into the affair den. But do not feed this in him. Why? Because I can hear in your posts that he may be being disrespectful to your wife when he interacts with her. And that is NOT okay! You want to go a long way to cutting through the fog, AND making sure the court knows you are the best parent for the job. Then, invite your wife to meet with your son and you at a restaurant. Sit down....eat...and then, in front of your wife, tell your son this: "Sammy, look...I know you do not like what is going on now. And it is perfectly acceptable to have the feelings you do. And you are free to express them to your mom or I. But, I want you to know that I will not allow you to be disrespectful to her. You will treat her as your mother. Do you understand?" This will help your son understand that even though that it is WWIII between your wife and you...that he doesnt get to check out of being the boy he was raised to be. Added to this, your wife will be disarmed. She wont expect this, because as she told you, she thinks you are poisoning him against her. It will definitely confuse her (but deep down, it will be a HUGE love deposit in her bank, whether she actively knows it or not!). And, make sure you document the interaction...as again, in court, she cant say you are poisoning the boy!

Once you get home, you further explain to him your thoughts on this. Why? Because that conversation at the restaurant may cause him to feel that you are turning against him. Just remind him later that you love him, that you do understand his feelings and are there for him. But he needs to know that there just are some boundaries that he cannot cross.

Again, I could go on and on. And this race is a marathon, not a sprint. So there is more time for discussion. But at this point, do all of the work above in preparation for a fight. In the meantime, look for every opportunity to Plan A her.



Standing in His Presence

FBS (me) (48)
FWW (41)
Married April 1993...
4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B))
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Her theory is she has moved on and ready to be done.
What's in it for her? Closure maybe, be with her new man without guilt?
She can't afford a war divorce.
She won't file because I told her it would be war and we can never be friends.
I've made myself and her miseable for 6 weeks now.
This is tearing up my daughter terribly, teachers are asking her kids are asking her, she is miserable.

If I don't do it soon she will!

I'm thinking maybe I should be the first to file and tell my lawyer I want it drug out to give me extra time. Maybe by then I could make Plan A work.

I don't know what to do and this is just tearing me up. I'm loosing it in every aspect of my life. It's affecting my job severly. I cant enjoy my kids because this is all i think about. My mind and body are failing, I'm only sleeping a few hours every night and not in a row. I don't think I'm any better to speak of then
the day she told me. I need to find some piece in my life soon! I'm tired of crying!


15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
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Originally Posted by shescrazy
Her theory is she has moved on and ready to be done.
What's in it for her? Closure maybe, be with her new man without guilt?
She can't afford a war divorce.
She won't file because I told her it would be war and we can never be friends.
I've made myself and her miseable for 6 weeks now.
This is tearing up my daughter terribly, teachers are asking her kids are asking her, she is miserable.

If I don't do it soon she will!

I'm thinking maybe I should be the first to file and tell my lawyer I want it drug out to give me extra time. Maybe by then I could make Plan A work.

I don't know what to do and this is just tearing me up. I'm loosing it in every aspect of my life. It's affecting my job severly. I cant enjoy my kids because this is all i think about. My mind and body are failing, I'm only sleeping a few hours every night and not in a row. I don't think I'm any better to speak of then
the day she told me. I need to find some piece in my life soon! I'm tired of crying!

First to file will not help. But it will hurt, because you will be giving her what she is asking for. First to file will not help your daughter. Filing is ending the marriage, not trying to save it. Your message of trying to save the marriage, and at the same time filing...is not the same message.

You appear to be overly concerned about what your WW wants and thinks. Who cares? A little clue: what your WIFE wants and thinks should be of utmost importance to you. What you WAYWARD WIFE thinks and wants shouldnt even cross your mind. You are the husband, father...man of the house. You want to protect and save this family? Then guess what? This is gonna suck for YOU for awhile. You might has well understand that. As I posted to you the other day, your kids, and even your wife, are counting on you to be the sane one. So, stop listening to the insane?

I know it hurts. If it is too much, see the doctor and get some anti-depressants. Take time out every week to talk to your pastor. Come here. Cry your eyes out when no one is around. And then, wipe them off...grab the big boy pants...put them on, and begin again.

We understand! I HAVE BEEN WHERE YOU ARE AT! I have hadthe same feelings. I am not discounting them. And you should be having them, otherwise, I would be worried about YOU.

But you must detach your feelings from your brain. You can feel. But those feelings should never override your logic. Understand? If you are feeling down, tell yourself: Okay, I am going to give myself an hour. And then go someplace, and let it all out. Then, at the end of the hour, get back to business. If a couple hours later, you need another break, then take it.

One thing Steve Harley told me is that as you move forward, all of this will get smaller in the rear view mirror. You are in the valley...but as long as you continue to move forward, you will eventually exist it.

Make up your mind. No one will admonish you for divorcing her and quitting. You have every right. Even God will hold you blameless. But remember, that YOUR actions will also set ALL of your destinies. You, your wife, your kids.

I remember going through recovery. And our first anniversary after we started recovery, I remember my wife saying "Wow, we have been married 15 years." And I thought to myself (and wanted to say to her but didnt): "I have been married 15 years. You have been married 9."

Are you ready to quit? Do what I said...go tonight while you kids are asleep, sit and look at them...and then make the decision. And do that every night until either you get the answer you are ready to quit...or your wife returns.

Only one person can be the man in your house.


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SC, I told myself from the very beginning that I would never file for D. I did not want it, and if she wanted it bad enough, then she would have to do it. I did not want that on my conscious for the rest of my life. To know that I gave up on my kids, my family. I wanted her to have that one her head for the rest of her years. She wanted it bad enough, let her do it!

My wife never came right out and said she wanted a divorce for almost 5 months after D-Day. She would 'hint' by telling me to move on or accept that it's over, but never mentioned the D word. Then one day about a week before Christmas, she was fuming because my BILs wanted me to spend Christmas with their families. My wife was livid! She even chewed out her brothers! At that time she sent me a text saying that she was going to wait until after Christmas, but now we should get the divorce started. This startled me since she never mentioned the word before, yet at the same time I knew she was extremely pissed off. So I just ignored her text, didn't respond back, and never brought it up. Guess what? She never mentioned divorce again.

About 3-4 weeks later she made a comment to me about me being her 'soon to be ex-husband', which I ignored. Guess what? She said that to me when she was AGAIN extremely pissed off because my BIL invited me up north to go ice fishing. And she never mentioned it again.

SC, the reason I'm telling you this from personal experience is that my wife only brought up anything related to divorce when she was VERY upset. But at the time they were just empty words she said in her fit of rage. I ignored her, and it didn't come up again. So you may just want to be patient with your wife, perhaps even withdraw from contact with her for several days, heck even a week. See how she reacts to that. It will tell you alot. Your wife didn't explode and file for D after you exposed her as mine did, so I would suggest just stepping back away from all the fogbabble, take a little hiatus from her, don't get back to her should she contact you (unless it's to do with the kids and it's important. If it's just to use the kids as an excuse to make idle talk, ignore it), and just see what her reaction is. Creates a little mystery to make her think.

You'll want to follow the MB concepts and plans, but at the same time I've found there are so many dynamics and gray areas, and that a lot of this is mental games that are played. To me, my wife plays these games unknowingly. She's playing these mindgames based on emotions because of the state of mind she's in. I'm not real good at this yet, but I've found that if you can play mindgames based on LOGIC, it throws them in a tailspin.

I had always been patient and kind towards her throughout all this. However, she was always defiant, telling me to move on, almost laughing at me because I didn't get it. It didn't bother me, because I was actually laughing back thinking you caused the problems, yet you will not move on. So I figured if she was really serious about a divorce she would have filed.

My wife did file however, 3 days after I exposed her via Facebook. I know she did this in an extreme fit of anger and as a way to 'slap me back down' and gain control over me. But to me it didn't matter. Some small switch inside me flipped the day I was served. A part of the man that I once was awakened at that time and said if she wanted a divorce that bad, let her have it. I would still continue to love her, Plan A wherever possible, yet I also was going to give her a taste of what life would be like without me. This was not to get back at her, but as a way for me to keep my sanity and preserve any love I had left for her. This is where I'm at now. I may or may not answer any texts that she sends me, if it's not important to the kids. She doesn't text very often, but every time she does and I don't get back to her, she gets PISSED. Is this good? Maybe, maybe not. But it lets her know that I'm not going to be there in the future for every little thing she asks me. If this doesn't mean anything to her, then maybe she is better off on her own. I'm doing just fine on my own with the kids, and I'm relaying that to her!

One thing I tell myself often is I didn't lose her, she lost ME! She chose some POSOM who couldn't hold his own marriage together and chooses to be with a married woman and influence the destruction of her family. What kind of man is that? One way down the evolutionary ladder from me, that's for sure. They say that WS's almost always 'affair down', that's what mine did.

I've got lots of information saved off from this forum that I reference a lot. Here is a snippet from something posted by NewCreation2011:

To the BS out there who may read this, I can only hope that knowing that your spouse is not going to be happy and their AP is not going to be happy helps you feel a little bit vindicated. I promise you that even if they look like the picture of happiness on the outside they are not. They have a cancer eating their souls. You can have a better life. They won�t.

This makes me feel good because I know that no matter what happens, I can say I fought for our marriage and can go forth in life with my head held high. My wife will not be able to do the same.

Oh, and as far as any mind movies of your W and POSOM, just switch to something else. I'm not seriously concerned about this unless she decides to come back to me. And even then they won't matter because I know she will have chosen to come back to ME, and she is with no one else. I was with her for 26 years, a mountain of time compared to POSOM. And if it really does bother you, then you can always remember that supposedly the human body replaces all cells every 7 years. So at some point there won't even be anything left that was in contact with the POSOM. rotflmao

So SC, don't be hard on yourself. You're the better man here! We're all in the same boat - you're not going through this alone.


Last edited by stillwaiting1963; 03/08/12 02:57 PM. Reason: added content

Me: 49
WW: 45
Married almost 23 years
Together 26+ years
DS18
DD15
D-Day: 7/28/11
Separated: 11/18/11
WW filed for D on 2/14/12 (3 days after near full exposure)
D final: 9/17/12
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 127
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 127
Awesome info guys!

I need to stop playing the head games with myself. What if she gets pregnant? What if she gets a DUI partying? What if she catches an STD? What if she files? What if she moves with my kids? What if she won't let me see the kids?

I need to stop that crap! I'm punishing myself!!! I don't need that extra crap on my shoulders right now! I need to decide SO WHAT if it happens! I don't care she already left me! It's not me that has to pay for it! She has to live with herself! I KNOW for fact she is not happy on the inside, she cries all the time!


15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
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