Here are some radio clips about why doing nothing is always a bad idea:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2964

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2965

Hi,

my h actually moved out on 2/14 into an apartment with the op. the op's family does not really care, i was asked this question in another post - my h is paying for everything (sugar daddy) and the op brings nothing to the table - no job, only has ged (i think) and previously had child that remains with other parent (think the child is 2/3 yr old).

although h's family knows they are not saying anything to h becuase h does not listen and they feel as if they are wasting their time/breathe. i do know the work situation is difficult as h has lost respect of all co-workers for what they are doing.

right now h is in a "me/selfish" stage which i am told should wear off in time -not sure how much time, but once they do they will realize the damage they are doing.

of the 5 children we have, only 1 (h's from previous marriage) speaks to and visits h. 1 is in military and does not really connent with h anymore, and the remaining 3 want nothing to do with h. they see h as dishonest and not someone they can rely on or look up to; this however does not seem to affect h is the least.

Again, not sure what else there is to do, but give the a time to wear off and h to come out of "me" stage/fog and see the collateral damage caused by this. i have asked h's mom to come for a visit (she lives 5 hrs away) however, she feels there is nothing she can do to change the situation. i personally feel phone calls are one thing and seeing her in person could make a difference, but again she does not.

Hi there,

So sorry you are having to go through this stupidness. Your husband has lost his marbles for now.......
Since he has chosen to move out and not end his affair, you have to make sure you are taken care of financially and then go Plan B with him until he comes to his senses and he will it's just a matter of time.........One day he will wake up and realize where he is and what kind of mess he is in........
I would not try to help with any of his children's relationships that is up to him and them........Let him really feel what his life is now, cut off all fixes he might get from you or your life and history together.........
When he remembers he will remember your lives, he and the OW have no history, her immaturity will show through soon enough, she will get bored with him or he will get tired of being her sugar daddy which ever one comes first.
But for now don't talk to him, don't see him........and then if you still chose to make sure he comes back on your terms, your way........
In the meantime, keep yourself busy, take up a new hobby, look great, smell great and just appear happy with life............
enjoy some things you have been wanting to do...........
patience and integrity are key here.........

Please tell me EXACTLY who you spoke to and what was said. Have you actually spoken to them YOURSELF?


Your husbands family knows WHAT and who told them WHAT? Have you actually spoken to them personally?


That will never happen unless and until his affair is killed. Unfortunately, you have been dealing with alot of people who have no experience at killing affairs. Your counselor has misidentified the problem as a "mid life crisis" for example. Your H is having an affair, not a "MLC."

Have you actually told the children about the affair and have any of them spoken to your husband about their displeasure?

It is real important that everyone in your lives knows the TRUE story of the affair and is speaking to your H and the OW. It will not suffice for people to just "hear" about the affair and be left to assume you are fine with it.

I remember I saw this years ago. Thought since your husband wanted to "find himself" that I would repost here. Maybe you can copy and paste it into an email to him!

"We need to be apart so I can find myself"

What a cute little euphemism that is, finding yourself or finding out who you are.

Many of my dear friends here know that I am a big believer in using a gentle touch on those unfortunate souls who either "Need to find themselves" or "Need to find out who they are" before they can come home to their families.

So, as a public service to these unfortunate souls I have composed "Finding yourself for Dummies"

First, finding yourself...

1. If you can't find yourself, try looking in your shoes. More than likely you will be there.

2. Do not bother looking where your children or responsibilities are, though that would be a reasonable place to look. We know you are not there.

3. If need be, go to the police station and give the desk sergeant an 8x10 of you and ask to have an APB put out since you can't find yourself.

4. Ask your child to point to their mom/dad, if you are not sure which one you are, reach into your pants and feel around. If there is a penis there, you are dad�if not, you're probably mom.

Now one of these tried and true methods ought to help you find yourself, but it is probably dark�so let's help you see better. Reach behind you, palms facing you, arms hanging down and grab. That's your butt. Now reach in that and look for a large round object�that is your head. Now, with both hands pull as hard as you can. You are now performing recto-cranial extraction.

Ok, now you have found yourself. We are making progress here! Now we need to find out "who you are". This is not so hard. Look around the house - if there are one or more particularly short little people, then ask one of them. They are called children. They probably know the answer as it was one of their first two or 3 words. Not able to talk yet? No sweat.

Look for the full grown person with the red eyes who looks like they haven't slept in a while - they probably know. They aren't home??? Let's keep looking.

Try looking in a desk or filing cabinet. Look for folders named "mortgage", "Utilities", or even better, "Marriage license". There will probably be two names here - you are one of those. So we have found you and narrowed it down to two people.

Now look and see if there is a wallet around. Remember that? Little pocket sized leather folding thingy. Look for something that says �driver�s license.� There should be a name. Now find a mirror (Glass thingy in the bathroom), look at the picture on the driver's license and the face in the mirror. If they match, the name on the license is WHO YOU ARE. If they don't, check those papers you found - you are the other name.

Now that you have found yourself and know who you are, go find the other full grown person in the house and introduce yourself. Start out with "I'm sorry I could not find myself or figure out who I was�I know now"

Next, knock off the drama, quit being melodramatic and start being mom/dad, husband/wife like you are supposed to and quit with the childish theatrics because the final piece is WHERE YOU ARE. This is called the real world where people depend on you to act like a grownup and keep track of details like who and where you are. The little people in the house are kinda/sorta counting on you too.

If this doesn't work and you have to take a journey to answer these questions, there is a chance that when you find yourself you will be alone, without a house, without a spouse, without children who love you and without a penny. Trust me�my plan outlined above is better.

If your WS tells you that they need time away to find themselves and discover who they are, print it out for them. If they can't follow the directions, make sure the door doesn't hit them in the rear and injure their head."

Hi,

No i did not speak with op family, just know that the child's father informed them.

my h's family knows the entire situation as i told them - they do not like it or approve, and say they will not accept the op but again are not going to speak to h about it becuase h is not listening to what they have to say.

h has been telling so many lies he is starting to believe them. one big one is that h has be seeing a counselor for help since the end of last year, when in fact h has not h only talks with op

as for the children, they all know. h told his own son who knew what was going on before i did;; h never told my 2 children from prev marriage and they went off on h about it and refuse to have contact. my and h's child knows, and h only told half truth which was moving out but failed to state it was with someone else - child knows because of other 2 siblings - not spouse. although h's child from prev marriage states they do not accept what their father is doing, child continues contact and visits regularly as the child has no care if marraige works out or not - child is 21. not blaming child and have no dislike for child, but not sure this helps the situation as it seems it gives h some sort of approval.
h does not really care/mind if other children speak or not

This is where I would start. It is very likely the OW has been able to freely lie about the state of your marriage. Calling them and giving them all the facts can apply pressure to the affair. If the OW has a facebook page, I would gather a list of all her relatives and send them a private message. There are templates in the link in my signature. But I would personally CALL or visit the OW's parents and try to enlist their support. Let them know also that if this goes to divorce, you may sue on grounds of adultery and have their skank of a daughter hauled into court. Paint a very ugly picture.


Will they try to speak to him or the OW on your behalf? Your husband needs to be hearing from as many people as possible. It would also help if your MIL contacted the OW herself and told her she will never be welcome in her family. Would she do that for you and your kids?


A counselor would be unlikely to help anyway. An IC is there to help the client pursue his current goals. Your H's goal is to pursue his affair. An IC would help him achieve that.


I would explain to every child that their father left to pursue his affair with an OW. Encourage them all to speak to him about his adultery. It is real important that they all hear the complete and full story from YOU. Your H will not hesitate to lie to them, so it is important they get the full story from you.

hi,

i appreciate the advice, as i stated when it comes to h's family that is their family and they are not willing to intervene. h's mom told me to get lawyer and move on- even though i am clear i want the marriage to work. she believes marriage had problems and she actually went through this with one of her h's which she divorced. not sure if based on experience she wants me to follow same route.....

That's too bad you can't count on them to help. Did you see my suggestions about contacting the OW's family?

Yes, but to be honest I am hesistant to do this as I am not sure what if anything it would accomplish. These parents know their child is living with an older man and basically being taken care of. I guess if it were my child I know i have some influence over them, but this family has a child that did not complete school, has a child as a teen and was basically living with the child's father until the next best thing came along.
In my opinion, as stated, i do not believe it would change anything except add fuel to the affair in that my h and op would develop an us against the world type mentallity and rebel, thus drawing them closer. maybe i am just not one to cause hate/discontent as well. I am a good Catholic and am praying that God will touch their hearts and help them to see the error of what they are doing and the consequences as a result.

I have a pastor with whom i discuss this situation and contacting family memebers of the op just does not seem like it will cause change, i am thinking about it though.....

What it would do is apply pressure on the affair. Many families certainly would not welcome a married man in an adulterous situation into their families.


I hope you can see that this is a very irrational statement. They live together so they are already "drawn close." You would not be here if that were not the case. You should causing as much discontent as possible in your husbands affair, otherwise you only serve to enable it.

It is not "hate/discontent" to expose evil, it is your Christian duty. What you have been doing is ENABLING evil. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so your silence has helped the affair thrive and grow. Those who don't expose the affair wide and far usually end up divorced, and I fear that is probably where you are headed because it is clear you have enabled this affair for a very long time. I suspect you even knew about it before he moved out and didn't do anything.

Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. Ephesians 5:11

Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. 21 But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God. John 3:20-21.

�Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. 16 But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that �by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.�[a] 17 And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector. Matthew 18:15-17

I would strongly suggest approaching this from a Christian standpoint and cease with your enabling and start fighting for your marriage. This has probably gone too far, but there might be a small hope if you will start standing up for your marriage. Thus far, I don't see that you have done much at all.

Did you listen to the radio clip I posted? I would like for you to listen to this other one about what happens when you enable an affair. This is exactly what has happened to you so you know it is true: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2815

I agree it might not cause change because this has gone on for so long. But it can't hurt. There is a very small chance you might save your marriage.

And pastors don't know anything about saving marriages. PLEASE stop consulting with those who don't know how to save marriages. Find those who have saved their marriage or know how to do it. Dr Harley is a CHRISTIAN who has saved thousand of marriages using these principles. He is a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in saving marriages from infidelity. There are no guarantees since this has gone on so long, but the best hope you have is to raise hell in the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy so exposing them ruins the fantasy foundation.

Hi,

i appreciate the advice, but i am not really sure how long this has been going on, i can only speak to what i know and that is since the end of Oct 11. so, it has been about 5/6 months or so with this last one of them living together.

in reading about affairs the average is 6 months or so, not sure how long this has or will go on, but having no contact with my h and him realizing what he has to lose will be something on my part. my h knows that i have no plans to file as i want the marriage to work. i have read plenty of stuff on affairs and midlife crisis and really not sure what to label this, only time will tell what it is a result of.

i do not feel i am enabling my h, i am giving space which is what they asked for, they think this will make them happy and in the short term yes i think it will, but at some point h will realize this is a temporary fix, a band-aid if you will, to what his issue really is. maybe he just had a weak spot in our marriage and when he realizes this will not last, he will look at the loss and want to return and work on the marriage.

every situation is different and will not respond to the same methods of dealing with it, at this point i have chosen to go with no contact and see how this goes; if the situation does not change i will be the one who has to make the adjustment- even if it is not the one i want. i continue to try to keep some normalcy within my family and continue to ask his family to support me as well and encourage h to return to family and work on issues. In the end, h cannot be forced to do anything and will decide own fate.

I would urge you to spend no more time debating whether any (or which) of these suggestions will work. That kind of "cost/benefit" calculation inevitably leads to paralysis.

The length of time and the other factors reviewed will raise the odds against the successful, immediate termination of your affair. Let's accept that as an immutable given.

So? The word that I snuck in there is "immediate". It may not be something that happens today, tomorrow, next week. What you do may not even ever prove to be the golden bullet that shot this monster dead.

But someday, maybe not as far ahead as you can imagine (six months being the norm), the APs will see each other not as the answers to their dreams, but as real, flawed people, burdened with the moral sludge of participating in what is frankly, a disgusting affair.

How does hubby look at his worst? Well, skanky will see him that way soon. And for the other part, WH will see her as just a pair of open legs, like chocolate exciting for a while, but not something to consume full-time.

He will recall your valiant efforts at recovery at that time and regret his treatment of his marriage. It might be too late at that time, but.....you never know.

Again,

i appreciate all the advice and this is very overwhelming to me - seems i am the one who is in charge but am reluctant to make a decisiona as i do not want it to be the wrong one.

i do want it to end soon- this minute if i could; but choosing what to do is very hard. i stop and think so what if h is mad, what is worse than what h is already doing h will get over it, then i think will my actions ruin my chance of saving the marriage? it is a hard dilema and i am not sure i am strong enought to face the consequence that i do not want - at least at this point.

i am taking everything in and maybe over this weekend after it all sinks in, maybe my courage and mind will change....

1234, I am sorry but you are getting alot of very bad advice about affairs about how to save your marriage. First off, there is no such thing as a "mid life crisis." Your husband's problem is that he is having an affair, not that he is having a "MLC." And by "giving him space" you are only enabling his destructive, bad behavior.

You are essentially driving the crackhead to the crack house.

Do you think it is an act of "love" to help someone engage in destructive behavior? Of course its not.


That would make sense if your methods worked for you. But they haven't. And they won't. You have no experience and no idea what you are doing. My suggestion would be to ask those who have experience at saving marriages and implementing a SUCCESSFUL APPROACH. Your approach has failed.

And yes, your husbands affair might crumble, but it will take much longer because you have enabled it. And becasue you protected his affair high by keeping the affair secret, the fantasy will persist and he is likely to move onto another affair.

Your marriage can survive your husbands temporary anger over being exposed; it can't survive this ongoing affair. Your inaction is the most likely to lead to divorce. As you continue to enable your husband in his destructive activities, he grows more and more wayward and is more and more likely to divorce you. The mistake you make is hoping that he will magically wake up and see the error of his ways. That will not happen as long as he is high on his affair.

That is like expecting the heroin addict to see the error of their ways while they are high on heroin. They will NEVER wake up until they stop using. It is the same with adultery. He won't see the error of his ways until his affair is over and it will be over much sooner if you expose it wide and far because that RUINS the high and destroys the fantasy.

123, Most posters are giving you advice that is good, but you aren't being receptive. You need to stop wallowing in self-pity and start playing hardball. You first need to realize that your husband won't be coming back anytime soon, and why should he? He is getting a young piece of tail, acting as if he , himself is a younger man, and the OW is stroking his ego for all she is worth, because he is her meal-ticket. 21, GED, has a kid? She is a goldigger, and your husband is the goldmine, so she won't go quietly. In fact , it is much more likely that she will find a younger sugar daddy than it is that your husband will leave her. Two things you can do. 1) go to his place of work and create as big a stink as you can, if he gets fired and there is no money coming in, the tramp will soon lose interest. He can always get another job. 2) get a lawyer, file for divorce and BE PREPARED TO TAKE HIS SORRY BUT TO THE CLEANERS!! What you HAVE to do, is ruin this little dream world he has built for himself. You might also ask the lawyer about an alienation of affection lawsuit against the OW. If she starts to feel the heat, she will most likely run for the hills. You have to destroy the affair first, then If YOU want, take him back, although frankly why would you want to. You are the better person, do you really want a cheater for a husband? Especially one who has shown that he isn't concerned about his family ? You have decisions to make and the sooner you make them , the better off you will be. Doing nothing will get you nowhere.

quick update for my situation. i have moved to plan b and h and i have had no contact in almost a week - h does not even attempt to contact d.
not sure how long this will go on or if it will work in the end.

i will keep having faith and hope h will come out of this fog -soon.

Hope is not a plan. I am sorry. He will not come out of the fog as long as he is in his affair. And since you are helping them protect the affair, it is unlikely to end any time soon. Giving him the cold shoulder is not Plan B and won't do anything to help your situation. Now granted, it will help you by cutting off contact, but it won't help your marriage.