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#2605792 03/15/12 07:44 AM
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I'm pretty sure I know what I'll hear.

The last few weekends we've had some issues that DH has escalated into arguments - I haven't engaged, but he's used everything he's had - DJ, SD, AO and he's said he wants out, he doesn't want to be with me.

He doesn't want to change jobs like he's promised me over and over.

I looked at our phone bill this month and he's used a lot of minutes, but I can't access the numbers called until after the bill closes and they issue it. We're supposed to 'talk' tonight about what our long term plans are - moving (back home), changing jobs, school, kids, etc... and I pulled out several passages out of Fall In Love, Stay in Love to read together.

We trade phones, I use his PC, He's not being secritive, but he's on the road 5 days a week. I just went to visit him on the road a few weeks ago and met the crew he works with.



Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
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I'm sorry to hear this, HNC.

I take it that you are suspecting an affair and are already monitoring as much as you can.

What reasons does he give for wanting to leave you? What are the "issues" that have escalated into arguments? Do you get the impression that he is picking fights with you simply because he wants to leave?

What reason does he give for not leaving the job as he promised? Being on the road 5 days a week does not leave time for a marriage at all.

Can you have him followed in the regular place he travels to - or is he literally on the road travelling all over the place?


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Aww .. hopeful .. I am so sorry. The problem you have (like i do sometimes) is TIME together! Obviously the job is a pressing issue. Is there anyway you can be "on the road" with him?

Just remember .. stay calm .. and do NOT engage in ANY LB's! Bring up your topics as calm as possible ...

I will be praying for you and your hubby to find the time and patience with each other to find the best possible solutions.

MNG

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Sugarcane -

I don't know that I suspect an affair, but I don't want to dismiss the possibility.

I have access to -

all of our checking/savings/CC accounts
Phone bill
his car

There's not been anything anywhere to make me suspect him. But, he's got no interest in SF with me and he's picking fights. That says to me we might have a problem.

Last night was over his job and what we're going to do this summer. He wants to move - which is fine, I'm okay with. But, if we move back home I want him home. I have a great job where we are now.

Last weekend was over his sister doing his taxes (we file seperate). I didn't want her to do them and he didn't want to pay to do them. His mom wasn't happy with me doing them.

A couple of weeks ago it was over an accident he and my mom had in my car - they spilled ink all over my seats and my car blanket.

I don't feel like I've LB. I have not had any AOs. He feels I make SD - I don't feel like I make demands. He sees stating my position as making a demand.

He made lots of you always/you never statements last night. He called me stupid, hard headed, all kinds of things. And, he made statements that are not factual about events in the past year.


Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
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Why do you file separately when there is a benefit to filing together? Why didn't you want his sister to do them?

What do you mean by 'want him home'? To not work?

Why haven't ya'll been using POJA?


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
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Originally Posted by CWMI
Why do you file separately when there is a benefit to filing together? Why didn't you want his sister to do them?

What do you mean by 'want him home'? To not work?

Why haven't ya'll been using POJA?

He wanted to file seperate, said it was better. We are also common law and would have to file joint feds and individual state. He has some deductions from a family business and mileage and I make 3x what he does, but I don't know or understand all of his reasons for filing jointly. I don't have much to do with our finances.

His sister and I don't get along, we never have and I don't want her doing any favors. We had planned for he and I to do them, but his mom didn't want me to do them because 'we might mess them up'. So, SIL who is a SAHM is 'better' able to do them instead of me - who works in AR and did my taxes for my business for *years*.

No, I want him to work a job in town, not be on the road Sunday - Thursday.

We do in most situations. Instead of being willing to negotiate lately he's just picking fights. It's been the past few weeks he's changed.

Last edited by HopefulNC; 03/15/12 02:30 PM.

Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
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Have you guys redone your ENQ? possibly he is just in withdrawl? Feels weird that HHH (correct me if i am wrong that your hubby is HHH or not) that he would drop and discontinue the MB principals. Seems like his taker is in full force.

How about sleep? when i am not getting enough sleep, MB falls right out the window and i get all grouchy and distant from everyone. Not on purpose .. it just happens.

See if he would be willing to redo your ENQs ... get a brush up or an up to date perspective on how well your meeting EN's.

MNG

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Your state does not recognize your marriage?


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No, HHH is not my husband. wink

No, our state does and does not. It's been well debated here. We're legally married and if we split I'll have to file divorce.

He's going for a sleep study next week and some other blood work - he says he's sleeping fine.


Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
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Ohhh ok sorry... thanks for making that clear. I had an inclination that you were for some reason ... cant remember what made me think that ... My bad.

Have you seen this thread I made a while back? Maybe it can give you some hope? Just a few vids to watch.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2575873#Post2575873

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Originally Posted by HopefulNC
No, our state does and does not.

It either does or it doesn't, Hopeful. What is your tax status on your state form: married filing separately, or single? How about your fed?


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Married filing seperately - the state could kick it back and force us to file single.

We formed our marriage in SC and now live in NC. There are plans to have a wedding ceremony this year, or were, with a marriage license, just to make things easier in the long run.


Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
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Last January, you posted saying there were plans for legal marriage LAST YEAR. 2011. What happened there?


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Time, money, sickness, trying to figure out if we can have kids - if we can then it's more of a priority because our children will be considered illegitimate on their birth certificates if we're not married with a marriage license prior to having children. Last year was really tough with his grandmother being ill and passing away in Pittsburgh from April - August and me going up every weekend for a while to take his mom or bring her back, my roommate passing, us having to deal with moving pretty suddenly, inheriting her cats, just lots of turmoil and we decided to wait.

We're legally married now and it's accepted in most areas. We have full power of attorney for each other, full health care POA, etc... to protect us.

We'll be married before the year is out this year, we're looking at dates and such now.

Last edited by HopefulNC; 03/15/12 05:36 PM.

Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
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Was this is first marriage? Any kids? Have you read buyers, renters, and freeloaders?

He may be teetering on freeloader/renter? He may be falling into a freeloader also ...

Actually you both are not even close to being ready to marry ... this is a disaster ... you cannot get a buyer when living together before marriage ... at best you get renter most likely you have more of a freeloader who tries renting because they want you to sacrifice for them after some time.

Read Dr. Harley's book and cut this man loose ... this is a disaster for marriage until you both work on yourselves. Plus he is 37 ... it is hard to change that character.

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Hopeful, I know you're trying. You don't need to rush into any decisions. If he's arguing all the time, he's in State of Conflict, which is better than State of Withdrawal. When my ex and I were in a similar situation it helped me to say, "I don't talk divorce, I only talk marriage." Don't know if that would help you. What are you doing to not let this drag you down right now - taking care of yourself, doing fun things. Maybe your H will see you having fun and join in. Best wishes, your life will get better regardless of what happens. You can do this!


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Originally Posted by HopefulNC
We're legally married now and it's accepted in most areas. We have full power of attorney for each other, full health care POA, etc... to protect us.

We'll be married before the year is out this year, we're looking at dates and such now.

Isn't this thread about him wanting to leave you? After all this time, why look at dates and such? If your intention is to be married, go to the courthouse and get er done.

There is something called sister laws or some such, where any mariage recognized in one state must be recognized in another, excluding same-sex marriage thanks to DOMA. If you have a recognized common-law marriage in SC, you are married in NC.

State could not kick back a return for marital status if you have a recognized M/F marriage in ANY state.

You don't really have that, do you? One of the tests of holding out is filing joint returns. You don't do that. Sorry to bring up the debate again, I do remember ( and re-read) the last one.

You are not married, barely live together, and I think your "H" would be fine to be dropped from your insurance if you would just leave him alone and stop pretending like you are married to him. If someone wants to leave you before they even married you, you are better off to just let them go. You are young, and this can be a very good thing for you!


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We filed married filing seperately - we are legally married.

It's not just health insurance that he would have to be removed from - everything we have is joint. We would, legally, have to file for divorce, it's not a negotiable point. I've had this conversation a year and a half ago with my attorney here in NC, when I joined here I was ready to leave. And, he wants a wedding in a church, which is fine, but we need to make it a priority and get it done.

We spent a long time talking last night and I think we'll be fine. I have got to quit working so much and put UA time as more of a priority, the lack of time is catching up with us. And, I'm depressed, burnt out, and just nutty at times with my schedule.

We've fallen back into the same old habits that got us into trouble last year. We're both contributing to the issues, but I need to clean up my side of the street and that will make remarkable difference. I'm still pushing him to make decisions instead of truely using POJA. I'm also letting work push me into working when I need to take time and spend it with him. I used to drive out to spend Tuesday nights with him and it's been months since I've done that. I even worked on our Vday trip for hours each day.

DH signed up for classes to get his electrical license last night.

I also told him that threatening to leave is *not* anything you say unless you mean it - it's abusive to make threats like that and it he wants to make those threats he can leave.

Last edited by HopefulNC; 03/16/12 08:14 AM.

Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
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How ya feeling today? did ya see my previous posts? Hopefully you got in some UA time and some good conversation that is steering you towards a solution.

Keep your chin up!

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Originally Posted by MrNiceGuy
How ya feeling today? did ya see my previous posts? Hopefully you got in some UA time and some good conversation that is steering you towards a solution.

Keep your chin up!

I did, thank you.

We spent quite a bit of time talking last night - probably 3 or 4 hours.

I had no idea that he was unhappy and felt like he did - we need to discuss things before they get to this point.

My response and my behavior is my responsibility and I need to put my marriage as a top priority, instead of work. And, right now work gets more of me than anything else. Our house is a mess, I'm gaining weight, and I've got to make some changes and clean up my side of the street. He said he really doesn't want to leave, but he doesn't want to be pushed into making decisions.

Part of it is that I'm really high energy, planner, and always going. He's much more low key, doesn't plan things as much. We need to learn to utilize both of our strengths, but this creates some frustrations between us.


Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
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