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Joined: Dec 2009
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Your lawyer sounds reasonable and right on in terms of legal advice.

No, you can't stop her from having OM around the kids short of him showing himself to be a threat. The law varies on this from state to state and it could very well vary by lawyer.

If you have a lawyer that knows the courts, then take him. If he knows the judges and tendencies and what matters and what doesn't then take him.

Legal advice and MB advice isn't always compatible. It is nearly impossible to do a dark Plan B while in litigation. You will continue to get contact with the WW and will get communications via her attorney.

I find nothing wrong with taking the offensive legally. I think you can still make it clear that you don't want to go down this path but that your hand is forced based on the circumstances and her actions.

I'd rather err on the side of a dad protecting his rights and doing things smart legally than in playing defense.

I personally feel, and would like to know how SH feels on this matter, that an aggressive, non cowering BH who takes the offensive legally has a better chance of waking the WW out of her craziness than one who plays defense, especially if its combined with a Plan A. You can leave all legal talk to your lawyer while you focus on being cordial, attractive, and welcoming.

Just be careful of WW trickery. They are masters at making men screw up.

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My lawyer is known as the best in this area for divorce. He's been doing it about 40 years. He knows all 3 of the judges and told me about them, I have a 1/3 chance of getting the crappy woman loving judge. He also said that judge hates a cheater so that is good.

Lawyer also said since the WW and I were getting along somewhat and we have decided what each was taking from the marriage he would talk with her also in a group meeting. I think this would be best. I don't want a long nasty drawn out court battle where I spend all my money. Get it done and get out and still have cash to put down on a new home. I'm already preapproved to buy a new home( ours has been forsale before any of this happened). She will get half of the equity after sale and she can go her own way. I've talked with my kids and told them they have a huge say and can pick out whatever house they like. That sure made them smile!

My daughter is starting to get so disgusted with WW and OM it's unreal. I think if it keeps up she won't want to goto WW house. When that happens my 4 year old can be at my house also. No judge is going to separate a 4 year old from his brother and sister. I have to keep being the stable rock and it will happen.


15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
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Although I understand the reasons you have for filing for divorce, you should consider:

1
You told your wife in front of all of your kids that you would not file for divorce and pull the family apart. They thought you were a hero because of it.
This means that they will feel betrayed and lied to if you file a few days after saying that. They will have trouble trusting you!

2
Your emotions will be going back and forth daily/hourly, this takes a toll on your decision making.

3
If you file for divorce yourself, you will often be able to influence how fast the divorce will go along. This may help you get the time to save your marriage for the sake of your family.

4
Your divorce lawyer earns money if you decide to file for divorce. So his recommendations are in that sense biased. Of course he tells you to go ahead and file. But you should know what your goal is and do everything to reach that goal.

As I understand, your goal has been to try to save your marriage and intact family. You have to have a plan here. Do not wallow back and forth between divorce and not. Make a plan and stick to it. And if you do decide to file, then you should better have a very very good reason for it and have explained that reason for your kids as you have been playing superman saving the family for their very eyes a few days ago! You cannot throw them under the bus like that. Your word is your word. I would say: stick to it.

I wish you a lot of wisdom in your decisionmaking and and God's blessings to your family,

Happyhart


me, DH
all the children
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I talked with my kids a bunch yesterday. The oldest 2 and I sat down with pen and paper and started writing out thoughts and reasons out. Kids have heard her numerous times say she hates me and is never coming back. She wants a divorce now! My daughter just wants it to be done with, either get along or get divorced. All kids are sad but understand that it has to be done. They are ready for something to change from the current roller coaster theyre on.

At this point with everything she has done, I don't think I could ever take her back. She is openly seeing him in this little town. He has pretty much moved in.


15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
Joined: Apr 2011
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Ah - the small town mentality ... my small town was 3000 people in the middle of the middle West ... Where half the town are your relatives and you graduated with the same folk you started out in diapers with ... Yes I am very familiar with small town, the ratio goes something like this

3 churches: 2 bars (one usually a VFW or Legion): 1 Post office. If you blink while driving by you likely missed the town ...

Kansas they have great laws there ... I think it is time to bring out your old Wild West gear and run this OM off ... there are plenty of other divorced fish in your small little town he can sneak into bed with ...


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I actually live very close to Dodge City! LOL


15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 127
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I couldn't file today! I don't have enough paper work filled out. I have another meeting with lawyer Friday at 9:00.

WW is now saying she is entitled to my retirement. We had everything decided from the ver beginning of this mess. Now she is entitled to stuff. I hope infedility trumps entitlement! Since talking with my daughter Saturday, I've suddenly started to grow a real hate for WW and OM! She is going more crazy everyday! I can't stand it anymore! I HOPE she gets pregnant by OM!


15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
Joined: May 2009
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She probably IS entitled to your retirement.
She is your long time wife.

You need to calm down.







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Originally Posted by reading
She probably IS entitled to your retirement.
She is your long time wife.

You need to calm down.

I understand what your saying! I know I need to settle down. Problem is I'm enjoying this part of it. Everyone said I would hit and angry stage. I've hit it and I like it! I feel no pain in this stage!

Someone is filling her head full of crap! She can take the boat, atv and half equity from the sale of house and everything thing else she took and I'll happily pay child support. That is what we agreed on. If she wants to get nasty I will create the longest drawn out divorce ever. I will eat up every penny she is going to get in lawyer fees. I've grown to hate her the last few days.


15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 127
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I filed for divorce, now she won't sign the paper. I know she has had plenty of time she has had days off. My lawyer said he would send the cops after her soon. I just dont under stand it!


15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
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Originally Posted by shescrazy
I filed for divorce, now she won't sign the paper. I know she has had plenty of time she has had days off. My lawyer said he would send the cops after her soon. I just dont under stand it!

Because you arent listening.
Because you are letting your feelings decide your actions, just as we warned you against doing.
Because she doesnt, deep down, want a divorce.

I told you early on that she is insane right now. All waywards are. And you continue to want to make sense of nonsense and to listen to an insane person and actually give credence and weight to their thoughts.

She is in a bad place. She is lost. Her, and your family, have counted on you to make sure her stupidity doesnt ruin everything for everyone. And it will if you get divorced.

Go do your research on children of divorce...no matter what age. It aint pretty!

Go look at the studies that show OVERWHELMINGLY, those that have divorced, 5 years afterwards, wish they had not been so hasty and had worked harder at staying in their marriage and making it work.

It wont be any different for you. Or your kids. Or your wife.

I know I am being harsh. And you certainly have EVERY right to kick her to the curb. No one can say you dont have that right.

But the road you are choosing is the easy one. At least early on. But the damage will continue, for everyone involved, for the rest of your lives. Your kids will be damaged, and will most likely pass this along in their marriages and to their kids...unless they are lucky enough to escape it through sheer will.

But you keep on what you are doing. Do you know how many folks have come back on here months and years later and said they had wish they had listened?

Crazy...I am not sure how we can help you.


Standing in His Presence

FBS (me) (48)
FWW (41)
Married April 1993...
4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B))
Blessed by God more than I deserve
"If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"

Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
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She signed it all yesterday! I tried not filing for divorce. I just couldn't do it. With everything she has done I can't forgive her. I will get plenty of counseling for my kids and make the best of everything


15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 594
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What do you want, congratulations?

You had the right, and you did it your way. Good Luck.

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Originally Posted by shescrazy
She signed it all yesterday! I tried not filing for divorce. I just couldn't do it. With everything she has done I can't forgive her. I will get plenty of counseling for my kids and make the best of everything

I'm sorry you had to go through this. Give your kids and yourself a lot of time and self care.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by Mortarman
Originally Posted by shescrazy
I filed for divorce, now she won't sign the paper. I know she has had plenty of time she has had days off. My lawyer said he would send the cops after her soon. I just dont under stand it!

Because you arent listening.
Because you are letting your feelings decide your actions, just as we warned you against doing.
Because she doesnt, deep down, want a divorce.

I told you early on that she is insane right now. All waywards are. And you continue to want to make sense of nonsense and to listen to an insane person and actually give credence and weight to their thoughts.

She is in a bad place. She is lost. Her, and your family, have counted on you to make sure her stupidity doesnt ruin everything for everyone. And it will if you get divorced.

Go do your research on children of divorce...no matter what age. It aint pretty!

Go look at the studies that show OVERWHELMINGLY, those that have divorced, 5 years afterwards, wish they had not been so hasty and had worked harder at staying in their marriage and making it work.

It wont be any different for you. Or your kids. Or your wife.

I know I am being harsh. And you certainly have EVERY right to kick her to the curb. No one can say you dont have that right.

But the road you are choosing is the easy one. At least early on. But the damage will continue, for everyone involved, for the rest of your lives. Your kids will be damaged, and will most likely pass this along in their marriages and to their kids...unless they are lucky enough to escape it through sheer will.

But you keep on what you are doing. Do you know how many folks have come back on here months and years later and said they had wish they had listened?

Crazy...I am not sure how we can help you.



Originally Posted by shescrazy
She signed it all yesterday! I tried not filing for divorce. I just couldn't do it. With everything she has done I can't forgive her. I will get plenty of counseling for my kids and make the best of everything



Notice how sHEscrazy always ignores what does not fit into his plans.

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Originally Posted by shescrazy
She signed it all yesterday! I tried not filing for divorce. I just couldn't do it. With everything she has done I can't forgive her. I will get plenty of counseling for my kids and make the best of everything

Since you are the one who filed, you are in control of how fast or slow it goes. This just seems awefully fast to me and you haven't given yourself enough time to process what has happened or implement any MB plans. She is making ALL of her decisions based on her 'current' emotion, (subject to change at any time). Don't do the same thing. Even if Divorce is the final outcome, you have to be able to look at it a year from now and know you did all you could to save your family. You only get one shot at it.

My advice would be to have your lawyer hold the signed papers for a while. Make sure that this is YOUR decision based on logic and not emotion. But as a BS, I for one will support you whatever decision you make.


Me = BH
DDay Dec. 2010
D filed Oct 2011 (by me)
D final 3/16/12
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Originally Posted by Mortarman
Shescrazy...just read your story. Everything here looks typical...nothing new. And in many ways, as others have told you...yoi have done good. So, the attaboys are deserved for those.

But I am going to do to you what several good people did to me when I was going through my mess ten years ago. Put your helmet on because I am going to smack you around a bit. Okay?

First, as you know, your wife has left all sanity behind right now. She is in the fog of an affair. Now, you have kids about the same ages mine were when it happened to me. Do you think your kids need TWO parents flopping around like fish on the deck of the ship?

Look, we understand the feelings that come with all of this. And unfortunately, no one ever gave us a marriage roadmap before we got married. So, many of the things you are doing are natural and expected. But guess what? You are the MAN of the house. Unfortunately, you dont get to do the EXPECTED.

Your family NEEDS you to be the sane person...the rock. Unmoving, unchanging. There is so much change going on right now. Your kids feel unsafe. And to be honest, they dont even trust you...as you flop around from wanting the marriage and talking about divorce. No one can feel safe in that environment...INCLUDING your wife!!!

When I said above that your FAMILY needs you to be the rock, that includes your wife! Look, you want to know who is the MOST scared right now? It is your wife. She has made a huge mess. As you said, everyone has turned against her, including her kids. She has backed herself into a corner, and she has no idea how to get out of it.

And here, the one person that actually does care about her...is her family...and you go from saying "I love you" one minute, and then talking about taking her kids and leaving her with nothing the next. I know she made these stupid decisions. I know she continues to do insane things. But you MUST ask yourself RIGHT NOW...do you love her? Do you want your marriage to continue?

If the answer is no, then call your lawyer and end this now.

If the answer is yes, then being the rock means you are going to have to steady your hand on the steering wheel of this ship.

No more talk of divorce. When she talks about it, say "I do marriage, my lawyer does divorce. If you want to talk about marriage and our family...I am right here. If you want to talk about divorce, call my attorney." Stop THREATENING! Sure, you should be getting your waterfowl coaxially aligned! But you do that in silence. You prepare yourself for what you HOPE wont happen. But EVERYTIME you tell her what you will do to her...it comes as a threat to her...and she moves further away from you.

I know she is hurting you. But you are hurting her. Now, will YOU be the sane one and stop this cycle of hurt? Love means NOT giving your wife what she DESERVES and instead giving her what she NEEDS!

I saw a few pages back you wanted to know how to know when to go to Plan B. First off, you need to do a stellar Plan A. Plan B will NEVER work without it. But, let me help you with this a little. When I was in my mess, I promised myself that I would do the following (and I did everyday): I woke up early every morning before the kids woke up. I walked into their rooms, sat beside their beds and looked at them. I spent about ten minutes with each of them. Then I went back to my room and asked myself...am I ready to end this? As long as the answer was NO, then I went on with that day and my plan.

When the answer is YES, well, then you call the lawyer...you go dark to her...and you leave it all in God's hands.

I could post a very long post here. But you have talked to Steve. The Harley's books and principles are here to read (or but and read). And on these threads are countless stories JUST LIKE YOURS. And many successes.

I dont know if you are a Christian or not, but if you are...you need to know that God has called you to love your wife like Jesus loves us. What kind of love is that? It is the kind that loves her even though she is actively hurting you. We were killing Jesus, yet He loved us. This is no different!

No matter how this all ends, your path is the same. You must earn your way out of the marriage. You must do everything you can to rescue your family. All of it! If your wife choses to stay in the burning building, you cannot force her to leave. But I can tell you...almost all women want to be rescued, whether they want to admit it our not.

So, come here and vent and lose it sometimes. But with your family...you MUST maintain control. Time to fully man up.

Man I love this post. I would never have got to where I am without the likes of Mortarman's example to guide me.

Without people like him I would have no idea what it means to be a proper husband and father.


Me: 36
FWW: 36
1 son born in Dec 2009 - confirmed mine through DNA test
1 daughter born in Nov 2010
Together: 13 years
Married: 10 years

PA/EA: January 2008 to July 2009
FWW left for OM: 01/28/2008
FWW returned for 9 days: 04/2008
FWW returned 05/21/2008

......
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Saving that and putting it on my mirror every morning.

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