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Yeah, sounds like you're veering into lovebusting territory (not surprising after a few weeks trickle truth) just dont reply or respond while you feel this way. Do you see he is now trying to deliberately prod you with accusations which is VERY typical. He doesnt like how calm and decided you've been. I will make sure that I do not see him and I have others who can screen my calls and I can block his email. Those are all good measures with calls and email etc and I like the phrase 'make sure' as certainty is important. Let's run through some other points to be certain as I'm stuggling to understand how you work in the same place yet your paths will (definitely) never cross. Try to give us some detail. Bear with me, its usual in Plan B for us to help you to spot the gaps in your plan beforehand if there are any. Do you work in same building? Same car park? Can WH come by your office/department? Is your office/department close to his? Are you ever in your office/department on your own? Do you use the same entrances/lifts/stairwells? Do you use the same corridors/break areas/cafeterias? Is there any chance of being in the same meetings/conferences as him? Would there be anything you could do if he started staking out these areas? Is it likely you would look over your shoulder in these areas? How much hassle would it be to constantly dodge him?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Yeah, sounds like you're veering into lovebusting territory (not surprising after a few weeks trickle truth) just dont reply or respond while you feel this way. Do you see he is now trying to deliberately prod you with accusations which is VERY typical. He doesnt like how calm and decided you've been. I will make sure that I do not see him and I have others who can screen my calls and I can block his email. Those are all good measures with calls and email etc and I like the phrase 'make sure' as certainty is important. Let's run through some other points to be certain as I'm stuggling to understand how you work in the same place yet your paths will (definitely) never cross. Try to give us some detail. Bear with me, its usual in Plan B for us to help you to spot the gaps in your plan beforehand if there are any. Do you work in same building? Yes Same car park? Yes, but I can have this changed. Can WH come by your office/department? He doesn't and has no reason to. Is your office/department close to his? Opposite ends of the building Are you ever in your office/department on your own? No Do you use the same entrances/lifts/stairwells? Yes, but he comes in later and leaves later than me. We also have different lunch hours. Do you use the same corridors/break areas/cafeterias? No, I bring my lunch. If I wanted something from our cafe, I would ask someone else to pick it up for me. Is there any chance of being in the same meetings/conferences as him? Possibly once a month with the whole company, but he doesn't go a lot of times because of his hours. He wouldn't have access to me. Would there be anything you could do if he started staking out these areas? I would avoid any areas that he uses. He is major OCD and I'm sure he will continue to use the same restrooms, etc. I can use a restroom at the other end of the building and he wouldn't see me. Is it likely you would look over your shoulder in these areas? No How much hassle would it be to constantly dodge him? Not much hassle at all. I have two very close women that work with me and I could ask them to accompany me whenever needed. We have worked for the same company for 7 years and most people wouldn't be able to work together, but it has worked for us, because we rarely see each other. I have to physically walk by his desk to see him. We are sedentary most of the day. Answered your questions above^^^
Last edited by starfish75; 03/26/12 03:20 PM.
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Just checked phone records and he has contacted an attorney today.
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I'm not worried about my job right now. I'm on leave. When I am able to return to work, I will make sure that I do not see him and I have others who can screen my calls and I can block his email. How long will you be on leave for? I am still keeping my fingers crossed that when he sees that you are not going to give in, that he will decide to give up his SSL... OK, starfish, you will have to trust us on this: Waywards HATE Plan B and most try to break it. The folks who think they don't need to worry about this or that are the ones whose WSs get through. The only way you could convince me that you don't need to worry about him breaking your Plan B at work is if you can be guarnateed that he will be denied access to any area of the building or parking lot that you would use at any time.
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Just checked phone records and he has contacted an attorney today. Have you contacted an atty? If not, it is probably a good time to do so... He may be looking into his rights in terms of getting back into the house...
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OK I'm starting to get an idea of where your gaps are. Do you work in same building?
Yes
OK
Same car park?
Yes, but I can have this changed.
Waywards are obsessed with breaking your plan. If he made a habit of staking out both car parks or alternating where he parked, could you stop him?
Can WH come by your office/department?
He doesn't and has no reason to.
His reason would be to break your plan. All waywards do this the way all waywards lie. Would you be able to make sure he's barred from your dept before returning to work and could you call security/a manager if he breaks it?
Is your office/department close to his?
Opposite ends of the building
Ok
Are you ever in your office/department on your own?
No
Good! The best Plan B barriers are people. Would thay all know/help?
Do you use the same entrances/lifts/stairwells?
Yes, but he comes in later and leaves later than me. We also have different lunch hours.
It's a dead cert that he would linger just to see you. This is a real problem. Seeing him, even fleetingly, would set your withdrawal back to zero. I suppose you could have your employers speak to him about not approaching you, but could anything be done about him hanging out in the lobby?
Do you use the same corridors/break areas/cafeterias?
No, I bring my lunch. If I wanted something from our cafe, I would ask someone else to pick it up for me.
OK.
Is there any chance of being in the same meetings/conferences as him?
Possibly once a month with the whole company, but he doesn't go a lot of times because of his hours. He wouldn't have access to me.
Seeing him in a conference just once would set your withdrawal clock back to zero. Could you just not go to any?
Would there be anything you could do if he started staking out these areas?
I would avoid any areas that he uses. He is major OCD and I'm sure he will continue to use the same restrooms, etc. I can use a restroom at the other end of the building and he wouldn't see me.
He could choose to go there, not to use the restroom, but to see you.
Is it likely you would look over your shoulder in these areas?
No
How much hassle would it be to constantly dodge him?
Not much hassle at all. I have two very close women that work with me and I could ask them to accompany me whenever needed. We have worked for the same company for 7 years and most people wouldn't be able to work together, but it has worked for us, because we rarely see each other. I have to physically walk by his desk to see him. We are sedentary most of the day.
If he was actively lurking and intent on seeing you though? Answered your questions above^^^[/quote]
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Just checked phone records and he has contacted an attorney today. You should be doing this anyway.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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OK I'm starting to get an idea of where your gaps are. Do you work in same building?
Yes
OK
Same car park?
Yes, but I can have this changed.
Waywards are obsessed with breaking your plan. If he made a habit of staking out both car parks or alternating where he parked, could you stop him?
Can WH come by your office/department?
He doesn't and has no reason to.
His reason would be to break your plan. All waywards do this the way all waywards lie. Would you be able to make sure he's barred from your dept before returning to work and could you call security/a manager if he breaks it?
Is your office/department close to his?
Opposite ends of the building
Ok
Are you ever in your office/department on your own?
No
Good! The best Plan B barriers are people. Would thay all know/help?
Do you use the same entrances/lifts/stairwells?
Yes, but he comes in later and leaves later than me. We also have different lunch hours.
It's a dead cert that he would linger just to see you. This is a real problem. Seeing him, even fleetingly, would set your withdrawal back to zero. I suppose you could have your employers speak to him about not approaching you, but could anything be done about him hanging out in the lobby?
Do you use the same corridors/break areas/cafeterias?
No, I bring my lunch. If I wanted something from our cafe, I would ask someone else to pick it up for me.
OK.
Is there any chance of being in the same meetings/conferences as him?
Possibly once a month with the whole company, but he doesn't go a lot of times because of his hours. He wouldn't have access to me.
Seeing him in a conference just once would set your withdrawal clock back to zero. Could you just not go to any?
Would there be anything you could do if he started staking out these areas?
I would avoid any areas that he uses. He is major OCD and I'm sure he will continue to use the same restrooms, etc. I can use a restroom at the other end of the building and he wouldn't see me.
He could choose to go there, not to use the restroom, but to see you.
Is it likely you would look over your shoulder in these areas?
No
How much hassle would it be to constantly dodge him?
Not much hassle at all. I have two very close women that work with me and I could ask them to accompany me whenever needed. We have worked for the same company for 7 years and most people wouldn't be able to work together, but it has worked for us, because we rarely see each other. I have to physically walk by his desk to see him. We are sedentary most of the day.
If he was actively lurking and intent on seeing you though? Answered your questions above^^^ [/quote] Frankly I don't think that it is realistic to expect to be able to go through Plan B while still working in the same building. I think indiegirl's comments about how to try to close the gaps show how unrealistic it is: I just don't think you can. And the plan doesn't work when it's modified.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I think if it's getting to all of this, then I'll just divorce him!
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Well, certainly divorce is less work. No doubt about that!
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I think if it's getting to all of this, then I'll just divorce him! But deciding on a divorce won't help you avoid the strain of betrayal. If you file for divorce, that isn't a magic pill that will stop you heading for a nervous breakdown. It won't stop him cake eating with you either. I have a friend who was betrayed who did a traditional Plan D and was determined to just get rid, however she did not block contact (nor did she maintain contact) It took her three years to stop weeping on a daily basis and she still feels unhappy a lot of the time. He intrudes in her life all the time even though he's not welcome. At her most vulnerable he has continually tried to back her into trying recovery without any real assurances and she has nearly caved on numerous occasions. She suffers from anxiety and pAnic attacks and is half the weight she was before DDay. I have been in Plan B a year and have felt fantastic for most of that time. Better than at any time in my life. Even though WH has typicallly tried every way he can, he couldn't break into my plan with a crowbar. You're strong, Starfish. Itd be nice to see you stay that way.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Plan D is fine, I went into Plan D at the same time as Plan B. Your lawyer may even tell you you have to for protection.
Just don't think that hell let you go. He still thinks he just has to lie harder and he will persue with more lies than the ones that have hurt you so far.
Plus you'll never know if Plan B would have affected him in the right way.
However it ALWAYS delivers a personal, if not marital recovery.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Starfish, Plan D would be less work, as reading pointed out, and it won't be any easier, as Indie pointed out. If you think Plan A is hard, Plan B is harder. Recovery is harder yet. Are you prepared for that?
And I understand not wanting to leave your job, and feeling like you shouldn't have to, you are the betrayed after all, but really, is a job worth more than your emotional well-being? And how good at your job will you be if you have a nervous breakdown?
Your WH IS going to try to break through your Plan B. Trust us. We've seen it, MANY MANY times. We speak from experience.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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I think I just need some time to decompress. I have been so strong and weak at times and just feel that I need a break and to take care of myself to rebuild my strength and gain focus and perspective on everything. I'm exhausted...
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And that's to be expected. You always need to take care of yourself FIRST.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Self care is the most important thing. You've been doing pretty well with everything but make sure you follow the BS daily rules -ensure you eat, sleep, have treats and hugs!
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Recent text:
I'm not saying there may not be smaller things a counselor may pry out of me over time stuck deep inside, but there is nothing as big as the bomb I have already dropped on you. I promise u that WS.. I'll let you know as soon as I book my appointment�
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He is asking if he can come by after work to talk to me. Maybe he is wanting to get some things off his chest or things he's been holding in (still lying about).
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Recent text:
I'm not saying there may not be smaller things a counselor may pry out of me over time stuck deep inside, but there is nothing as big as the bomb I have already dropped on you. I promise u that WS.. I'll let you know as soon as I book my appointment� I don't post much, but this one got me. "Pry out of me?" Sounds like strong resistance to me.
xFWW(me)-48
Married-14 years
D-Day~23-May-11
NC- 14-Apr-11
1 DS 15
Online course July '11 to July '12
17 sessions with S. Harley Feb '12 to Sep '12
Divorced Jan 21, 2013
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Recent text:
I'm not saying there may not be smaller things a counselor may pry out of me over time stuck deep inside, but there is nothing as big as the bomb I have already dropped on you. I promise u that WS.. I'll let you know as soon as I book my appointment Of course there�s the basic and obvious deception � I�m not hiding anything, honest hon... But the sub text is pretty fascinating, too. He�s saying he doesn�t have any more to tell, but a counsellor could 'pry out' hidden stuff? What on earth would he want to do this for if he had in fact told you everything? Well it�s a dangerous practice to analyse the words of a raving wayward but I am always struck by how much they love counselling, and feel the promise of counselling may fix everything without anyone taking action or accepting blame. It�s the result of telling themselves the �cant help it� there is no action they can take (or want to take) and so there must be something wrong with them. The addict clings to the belief they are too damaged to do anything about their addiction, because they don�t want to take the obvious and necessary steps to changing His text is screaming 'Im not gonna change'. I would say he needs to hit rock bottom to stand a chance of considering it.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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