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Originally Posted by SteveD
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Your spouse does have the capacity to make you happy and so do you, if you do the right things.

You are going to have to quantify this statement. How can you say that with complete assurance?

Because if you do the right things, you will fall in love. But you need to read the material here so you can understand how love is created. So far, you have been flying blind with hit or miss programs, but if your efforts were directed strategically, you would see a difference.

Do yourself a favor and read up on the program so you can understand how a person falls in love. Once you really understand that, you can become an expert at meeting each others needs.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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First of all, of course I have no contact with this woman. I figured that one out on my own...

Does she work w/ you?

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Of course I corrected her when she accepted responsibility for the affair. But she of her own free will continues to accept that responsibility. I completely pulled her off any hook she set herself upon. I made it completely clear that she carried no responsibility for my actions. Can we put this one to bed now?

Yeah, I'm not buying this.

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I have communicated this already...

Actually you communicated something very differently in an earlier post.

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I use never on purpose, and I mean it. Why would it be hard to believe that I have NEVER been ugly to her? The reason you guys are saying this is because it would then make no sense for her to be unresponsive to me, but that is the case nonetheless.

The reason it is difficult to believe that you have been the perfect husband is b/c of what you have already told us. Believing your wife is broken is off the charts disrespectful. And harmful to your marriage.

To borrow a phrase of yours, can we put this delusion of yours to bed now?

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The reason I told her that this woman was hitting on me was because I believe in honesty and openness in the relationship, and I wanted her to know this was happening.

You may believe in honesty and openness, but you certainly aren't practicing it now. You were more honest and open in your original post when you said, "The first time I felt like I was being hit on by this woman, I went home and told my wife, hoping she might recognize I was desireable and maybe feel a little jealousy, and then reach out to me reminding me how much she was all the woman I ever needed. But unfortunately she only accused me of being flirty and probably sending signals to her which caused her to hit on me, and I was devastated."

Also, were you practicing honesty and openness in your marriage while you continued contact w/ this woman for two weeks?

Can you please get real here? You are being dishonest and it is only hurting you. You will never get rid of the your shame until you get real about what happened. Get real about the lies you have told yourself and others.

Shame will eat you up alive if you don't.







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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
A better solution is for you to tell your wife what is wrong so she can learn to meet your needs in an effective, productive way.

This is precisely what was done in a very loving, kind, and gentle way for 13 1/2 years, never to any avail. It was only when she thought her security was threatened that she responded.

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Originally Posted by SteveD
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
A better solution is for you to tell your wife what is wrong so she can learn to meet your needs in an effective, productive way.

Again, sounds great, and simple. However she has no desire to go through the emotional turmoil it would require for her to come face to face with the realities of who she is and what she would be required to do.

I wouldn't either if my husband told me I "had to come face to face with realities of who I am and what I would be required to do!" crazy Are you kidding?

That is no way to sell any program and has absolutely nothing to do with MB. People buy things when they see a perceived benefit. What is her benefit?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by SteveD
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
A better solution is for you to tell your wife what is wrong so she can learn to meet your needs in an effective, productive way.

This is precisely what was done in a very loving, kind, and gentle way for 13 1/2 years, never to any avail. It was only when she thought her security was threatened that she responded.

I have seen how you "sell" things in this thread so I understand completely why she ran from that. crazy

Again, when do it yourself doesn't work, its time to try something else.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Again, sounds great, and simple. However she has no desire to go through the emotional turmoil it would require for her to come face to face with the realities of who she is and what she would be required to do.

So she has no desire to learn to meet my needs in an effective, productive way. Now what?

Are you willing to go through the emotional turmoil it would require for you to come face to face w/ the realities of who you are and what you would be required to do?

Do you have any desire to learn to meet her needs in an effective, productive way?????

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For Marshmallow...

No she does not work with me, but she previously worked in a department I dealt with often. She has since left that department. I work for a very large organization and it was not difficult to stop any and all contact with her.

I can't help you if you won't believe me about the blame stuff. You will just have to believe what you want. I have been completely honest about how that went down.

Just because I have never said anything ugly to my wife certainly does not make me the perfect husband. But it is important you guys see the truth about my situation. When it comes to the treatment of my wife, you are going to be hard-pressed to find a more affectionate, sweeter, kinder, and gentler man than I. Especially with words. But I follow them up with deeds also. I would not, and have not, ever tried to hurt my wife on purpose, either with words or actions, and she knows and agrees with this.

I'm not carrying any shame at all. I came clean about the ordeal, shared it openly with my wife, received forgiveness from her and God, and have moved on.

The sentence you quoted still rings true with what I said a second ago. My primary motive was that I don't want to hide anything from my wife, and the second motive was my hopes that she would see me as a desirable man. She has never made me feel desirable, and all I ever wanted was to be wanted by her.

This other woman just happened to be there to pet me after being hit in the head with a 2x4 for 13 years. Simply a moment of weakness and some bad decisions. Am I still being dishonest??

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Originally Posted by SteveD
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
A better solution is for you to tell your wife what is wrong so she can learn to meet your needs in an effective, productive way.

Again, sounds great, and simple. However she has no desire to go through the emotional turmoil it would require for her to come face to face with the realities of who she is and what she would be required to do.

It is this attitude that is likely the source of your problems. You have sold her marriage improvement programs in the past as a way to "fix" her. No one is going to buy that. No one wants to be told they are WRONG and they don't like to be educated. I can tell you have been doing that for a long time.

And I am not buying that you spend 30 hours of undivided attention time per week out on dates. That just doesn't add up. I get the sense that you are defensive whenever anyone points out you are wrong that you have become an evolving story.

I also see in this thread how well you listen [not!] and how you like to argue about everything. Do you behave that way at home?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
I have seen how you "sell" things in this thread so I understand completely why she ran from that. crazy

Gosh, that's ugly. Would you mind elaborating on this?

I suppose you are drawn to people who are ugly and manipulative, rather than kind and compassionate?

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I don't have any answers for you Steve.

I would say that my biggest need is also 'admiration' and that my wife (upon reading his needs/her needs together) seemed to say what you are saying your wife is saying "I'm just not that type of person" or "I'm just not built to say those things".

I don't understand it any better than you seem to (meaning that I don't know the answer - or if it's possible that my wife is either wrong (she can be that type of person) or that my wife could see things in such a way as to change))

In any case, what I think the people here are telling you is that you are focusing on a single leaf...but you should be focusing on the entire tree.

Not a great analogy, I'm sure.

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
It is this attitude that is likely the source of your problems. You have sold her marriage improvement programs in the past as a way to "fix" her. No one is going to buy that. No one wants to be told they are WRONG and they don't like to be educated. I can tell you have been doing that for a long time.

And I am not buying that you spend 30 hours of undivided attention time per week out on dates. That just doesn't add up. I get the sense that you are defensive whenever anyone points out you are wrong that you have become an evolving story.

I also see in this thread how well you listen [not!] and how you like to argue about everything. Do you behave that way at home?

You still aren't listening. "she has no desire to go through the emotional turmoil it would require for her to come face to face with the realities of who she is and what she would be required to do" <- This is coming from her, not me. SHE says this... This is not my perception, this is her reality.

We have actually gone through all of the EN articles together on this site, in addition we have gone through many different articles that we felt like related to us. We've done this together, out loud. When we talk about the EN stuff, she is quick to admit the ares she does not have the ability to meet me in. So again, this is not some perception...

30 hours alone only equates to about 4 1/2 hours a day. We average about 3 hours a night, and then on the weekends probably more than double that. So why does it not add up? When we are at home, we are together. Touching, laughing, talking. So no, it may not be a date where we are out spending money, but it is intimate time together.

"Like to argue about everything" <- Goodness sakes, I hate arguing! I have had no desire to argue from the beginning of this thread. It is you guys telling me I am lying, trying to list all the reasons I am a [censored] guy, and so yes, I find it important to try and correct your posture or perception so that you can have the right perspective to better offer advice or insight. But the constant barrage of insults is a bit off-putting.

"Do you behave that way at home?" <- Statements like that try to paint the picture that you could empathize with my wife not reaching out to me in love because I am somehow irritating or something to that effect. It is difficult to not take that kind of thing personal, so forgive me if I have misread your intent.

The bottom line is this. I am a wounded man carrying many years of destructive speech and terrible rejection. All I have ever wanted was to freely love my wife and meet her every whim and have her reciprocate. I have tried to, in a nutshell, share my situation, but 14 years is hard to consolidate into a single post... I would just appreciate some supportive comments mixed with some empathy for my situation, and some good-old benefit of the doubt.

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Originally Posted by SteveD
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
I have seen how you "sell" things in this thread so I understand completely why she ran from that. crazy

Gosh, that's ugly. Would you mind elaborating on this?

I suppose you are drawn to people who are ugly and manipulative, rather than kind and compassionate?

Read my post again. I explained exactly what I mean.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by SteveD
[The bottom line is this. I am a wounded man carrying many years of destructive speech and terrible rejection. All I have ever wanted was to freely love my wife and meet her every whim and have her reciprocate. I have tried to, in a nutshell, share my situation, but 14 years is hard to consolidate into a single post... I would just appreciate some supportive comments mixed with some empathy for my situation, and some good-old benefit of the doubt.


No one can help you if you don't listen. Read the material and read the posts again rather than being defensive and argumentative.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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When it comes to the treatment of my wife, you are going to be hard-pressed to find a more affectionate, sweeter, kinder, and gentler man than I. Especially with words. But I follow them up with deeds also.

Believing your wife is broken is not sweet, kind or gentle.

Having an EA is not a sweet, kind, or gentle deed.

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I'm not carrying any shame at all. I came clean about the ordeal, shared it openly with my wife, received forgiveness from her and God, and have moved on.

You can't BS a BSer, Steve. I've been where you are. I know what I'm talking about. Every dishonest post of yours is reeking of shame.

Stop torturing yourself and get real.

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She has never made me feel desirable, and all I ever wanted was to be wanted by her.

There's that word never again. She has NEVER made you feel desirable? Not even when you were dating? Or first married?

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This other woman just happened to be there to pet me after being hit in the head with a 2x4 for 13 years. Simply a moment of weakness and some bad decisions. Am I still being dishonest??

Only to yourself, b/c no one here is buying it.

Do you realize how much you contradict yourself from one post to the other? You just got done trying to convince us that you didn't let your wife take the blame for your affair, and yet here you are blaming her for it again! "This other woman just happened to be there to pet me after being hit in the head with a 2x4 for 13 years."

LMBO @ "to pet you after being hit in the head with a 2x4 for 13 years" What a dramaqueen! dramaqueen rotflmao






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Originally Posted by SteveD
Originally Posted by markos
Your subject line:

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Emotional needs unmet after clear communication

In other words, you gave her an ultimatum, and she didn't respond well.

It turns out, women don't respond well to ultimatums.

What they do respond well to is someone who has a full account in their Love Bank.

Men are able to meet the emotional needs of someone they are not in love with far more easily than most women. Most women need to feel an emotional bond with someone before they will even believe it is possible to meet their needs.

So the rational solution is for you to learn to meet her needs first, learn to make massive Love Bank deposits every day, and reevaluate her willingness AFTER that has occurred.


Goodness sakes, of course I did not give her an ultimatum. What you describe about men and women is the opposite in our case. I am the one who needs the emotional bond. And yes, her emotional love bank is full, and always has been, and she agrees to this... She just has no capacity to communicate feelings and affection with words, and that is what I am trying to get you guys to help me with.

I'm telling you how to get there, but the first thing you need to realize is that you guys are probably quite mistaken about your account in her Love Bank being full.

If you are correct, then it's a simple matter of just working this program together so that both of you can better learn to meet each other's emotional needs. Problem solved, end of story, get to it, and enjoy the happily ever after!

If I'm correct, then it's a matter of the two of you making several changes to your lifestyle as suggested by this program so that the Love Bank deposits you are making now (which you both think are large) can be multiplied several hundred fold.

How many hours a week do the two of you spend together?

By the way, I strongly encourage you to quit reacting so strongly to what people post. Your strong reactions are causing you to focus more on your reaction than on listening, and you are missing much valuable help. Even if you don't agree with what people are saying, I encourage you not to react so strongly and defensively. It's not the end of the world if somebody reads your situation wrong, you know?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by SteveD
[
30 hours alone only equates to about 4 1/2 hours a day. We average about 3 hours a night, and then on the weekends probably more than double that. So why does it not add up? When we are at home, we are together. Touching, laughing, talking. So no, it may not be a date where we are out spending money, but it is intimate time together.

And your kids are gone every night?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
No one can help you if you don't listen. Read the material and read the posts again rather than being defensive and argumentative.

I will try to do that. Thanks again everyone...

Perhaps I will come back down the road and share any insights into how we solved our issues. Thanks again.

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Originally Posted by SteveD
My question originally was, which no one has seemed to want to answer, is what do you do if your spouse does not have the capacity to provide you with the emotional stuff you need?

These capacities are learned and grown, they are not inborn. She will almost certainly learn this capacity when the deposits you are making go up.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
And your kids are gone every night?

During the week, they are typically gone two or three nights, yes. When they are home they are in bed by 8 or 8:30 and we don't usually go to bed until 11 or 11:30... On the weekends they are often at friends or families houses all day... So there are some weeks we might have 40+ hours together... Does this straighten this out?

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Originally Posted by SteveD
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
No one can help you if you don't listen. Read the material and read the posts again rather than being defensive and argumentative.

I will try to do that. Thanks again everyone...

Perhaps I will come back down the road and share any insights into how we solved our issues. Thanks again.

Hmm, I know you are trying to close that door politely, but it really sounds like what you are saying is that you are not here to receive insight, but to give it. Which is really pretty arrogant, isn't it?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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