OregonBoy,

Sharing your feelings should hurt your marriage unless you are not sharing them in a productive way. This tells me you're not telling us the whole truth. There are too many holes in what you're saying and until you come clean (or bring your wife here to share her side of the story), no one here can help you.

High maintenance people suck the life out of others - even if it's only 10% of the time, it might as well be all the time. I run - very fast - from emotionally draining, high maintenance people.

OregonBoy,

Have you tried contacting the Harleys yet?

Here's the problem - there are now 13 pages on your thread, the vast majority of posts are you arguing with others that you are not really a problem in this, you have changed your username in case your wife could identify you, and continue with inconsistent statements.

You really can't be surprised at this point that people here think you are not telling the truth.

IF your wife could come here, GIVE HER SIDE OF THE STORY, it would vastly assist you in getting constructive criticism on how to improve things.

But, you don't wish to do that and have rebuked 99% of things that people believe you may be responsible for. That, and considering how you feel that showing her the interest of another woman will lead her to realize what a great husband you really, seriously suggests a red flag of ego. Let's be honest - you DON'T WANT US TO HEAR YOUR WIFE'S SIDE, do you?

I wonder if your wife is given the impression that showing affection/intimacy to you requires exaggeration, over-the-top praise, and worship?

Please contact the Harleys and please allow your wife to speak with them too.

I would love nothing more for her to share with all of you her side of the story. I would love for her to share her side of the story with ANYONE!

This will be my last post, but let me clarify one last thing before I go. The reason I have fear about her finding this stuff is because of how honest I have been about it all. Anytime I have been open and honest with her it has been disastrous. She would probably feel betrayed that I even shared it with anyone, and then she would feel completely inadequate for not meeting my emotional needs. This has been the pattern from the past, so I can only assume it would continue. The idea that I would LEAD her here to read it all is ridiculous to the point of foolishness.

I don't think you could label someone who is only high maintenance 10% of the time a 'high maintenance person.' - Also, I did not say I WAS high maintenance, I simply stated she may see me as such, but only every now and then...

Could your wife have an electric fence personality? Dr. H talks about it here
I think you may have what I call the "electric fence" personality. People with such a personality walk down the road of life with an electric fence on each side of the road. And they are faced with a serious disadvantage --the stroll is at night, the flashlight they use to look ahead is very dim, and the road takes sharp turns. That makes it difficult for them to see the electric fence, and they often stumble into it. As long as these people are on the path, they are usually very happy and optimistic about life. But, when they touch the fence they get a rude shock, and will do anything to get off of it and back onto the path. Once back on the path, they are happy again.
Article here Recovering Sexual Desire after an Affair

Your flounce lasted one minute! Is that a record?

OK, so you have stated you have posted your final time here. I am sorry to hear that. Many have suggested you contact Steve Harley....you never responded, but hope you will consider doing so.

I have a couple final thoughts for you. Have you considered the fact that the EA you had could be clouding your thoughts and judgement here? You want to minimize this, and do not feel it was an EA, however, according to Dr. Harley anytime a married person allows someone of the opposite sex to meet EN's it is considered an EA. This is what happened.

Now you have a new point of reference, a women that gave you the exact things your wife does not. Obviously this HAS impacted you in some way because you mentioned it here. Perhaps you are in what is known as the A fog. I think this is a very real possibility here because you didn't come to post until AFTER this had happened.

I am a bit shocked that you still believe that your wife should have had a positive reaction and change in behaviour after you revealed this "situation" to your wife. That is just bizarre thinking, but also sounds foggy.

Another thing you stated how YOU believe you would have reacted to if your wife had come to you with this information. Your wife is not you. Stop expecting her to respond and want the same things you do.

You have been asked several times if you and your wife have filled out the EN's questionnaire, but i don't think you ever told us what you wife's top 5 EN's are. You just mentioned some love language code that means nothing on MB. I assume her top 5 are quite different from yours. The needs you speak of meeting so well for your wife sound to be the ones you would like met for you. It is usually easy for us to meet the same needs in our spouse as our own, not so easy to meet the ones we don't have or understand.

I was hesitant to mention this, but think it may apply in your case so here it is. My H has a need for admiration as well, although, I don't think quite as much as you. Not only does this not come naturally for me to do, (so it is a need that I need to work to meet) but in earlier years I felt he was so busy admiring himself, it was a bit sickening to me, and I couldn't imagine stroking his ego anymore then he already did.

Please call Steve Harley. The grass may seem greener but as many have discovered its usually not.

She is in the state of Withdrawal (see Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts) and is not open to allowing you to make Love Bank deposits.

How much time do the two of you spend together each week, and what do you do during that time?

In a fog? Highly likely. My views skewed because someone else met my emotional needs without me having to coax them out? Even more likely. Spending 13+ years being abused and neglected can have a way of changing a person. I really do appreciate all the comments, and most likely my motive for all of this was simply the exercise of venting my situation, and maybe I wasn't looking for advice after all, but some listening ears who could perhaps empathize with my situation.

Everything is my life is wonderful. My home, my children, my job, my church, my friends, my family. My wife and I get along wonderfully and we love the same things and we love spending time together. The only problem we have is that my wife does not understand how to let down her guard and have real intimacy with me. We don't communicate well, and she has some sort of mental block from affirming me with words. Unfortunately, this one area is so critical to my mental and emotional health I don't know what to do. My entire life I have dreamed of pouring myself into someone who would pour themselves into me, and when I am faced with the kind of work, energy, and sacrifice it would take and there still being no guarantees, I just don't know if I have it in me to do it. I have already given over 14 years of my life, completely laying aside everything else for her. I don't know if I willing to live like this for 14 more.

I appreciate everyone. I'm out.

You are truly a man of contradictions here - you have already engaged in an inappropriate contact with another woman because you feel your wife does not meet your needs, and you do not know if you can continue. Everything is obviously not wonderful and that wonderful family will cease to exist if some sort of work towards a resolution does not take place.

You've been told at least 5 times throughout this thread to contact the Harleys directly, are you willing to do that? Why aren't you interested in doing that?

Sheesh, you mean you were here to get still more of your emotional needs met outside of your marriage?

You are quite a conflict avoider, sir. Instead of actually talking to your wife about your problems and learning to solve them, you just want emotional support so that you can endure them.

I'm telling you, that will never work, long term.

If and when you would like help to solve your marital problems, we will be here to help you learn Dr. Harley's method of doing that.

It is true that you don't know what to do.

However, you have a mistake in your thinking: you think you know what to do. Yes, even though you admitted briefly here that you don't know what to do, you believe that the thing to do is to look for some people to empathize with you and give you emotional support so you can live with this problem.

Many people have tried that and it doesn't work.

The actual thing to do is to embark on an educational program and learn Marriage Builders in detail. It will provide the answers you need for how to actually get your need for empathy and admiration met within your marriage. Trying to get this need met on a message board or anywhere else other than where it needs to be met will lead only to misery.

Since you claim to be a Christian you must know that you have ZERO grounds to divorce your wife.

Zero.


No one here is going to empathize w/ a man who has disrespected his wife as much as you have. Or who is unwilling (or should I say "UNABLE", "INCAPABLE", "HANDICAPPED", "NO DESIRE"??)to examine his own part in the condition of his marriage.

Markos, you have been missed***edit***
Oregon Boy, pray for your wife and call the Harleys.

Bump

Original poster posted another thread in MB101 , using alias

Welcome back, Oregonboy! Sorry that you are still struggling in your marriage, but glad to see you have not given up.

You will only receive MB advice here. You can not magically "fix" your wife. I agree with ML that your wife seems to have a freeloader approach to the marriage. You both deserve, and can have a very happy and fulfilling marriage.

Obviously your wife is not using the MB program. You need to sell your wife on MB, get her on board by helping her to see the benefit to HER. You need to stop tip toeing around and tell your wife that this is a problem that needs to be addressed, not dismissed. It's not going away.

I still recommend that you contact Steve Harley for phone coaching. He can really get to the root of the problem and work with both of you towards the SOLUTION!