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Bravo to you, GJM! I think you answered her perfectly. I really like what you said to her and it makes me happy to hear you say you deserve better. You do! You have an opportunity to have a great relationship with someone else who will treat you right.

Agree with the others that you should go into Plan B. You will feel so much better!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Blackhawk
GJM,

I want to give a quick word of admiration to you GJM. I have kept up with your thread these last months, and I have admired your efforts and your thought processes, as well as your help to others. I see alot of wisdom there. I wish the best for you and your children.


Thank you Blackhawk. I appreciate it.


Me: BH 36
Her: WW 34
Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9
DDay 1-6/2009
DDay 2-9/2011
DDay 3-11/2011
Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011
Divorce final May 24, 2012
My Story



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Originally Posted by NeverGuessed
GJM, as painful as this new reality will initially be for you, I think you are now fully aware that a "Plan A into a void" is not something that can be long maintained. Her choices drove this new situation, not yours.

Someday you'll think back on these months questioning, "What if....", "Could I.....", "Should we....", as that is the human compulsion, to put rational structure around the confusing.

Keep these recent posts at hand. You have performed excellently, sir. What is going to happen was not avoidable by your actions, short of renouncing decency and morality for expediency and appearance.

Be regretful of your past. Rejoice in your new future.


NG,
Those questions have come to me over and over. I'm sure they will come up again as each situation changes. What usually pops in my head is "if she would only try...". That is out of my control. I know what I had control over and that's me. I chose to seek self improvement and realize my flaws so that I can miminmize them as much as possible.

If my W is living in the past and not trying to find a positive future, all I can do is move on and try not to worry about her. I do care about her and want the best for her though. Like I said, the door isn't closed shut, but I won't open it until I know it's safe.


Me: BH 36
Her: WW 34
Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9
DDay 1-6/2009
DDay 2-9/2011
DDay 3-11/2011
Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011
Divorce final May 24, 2012
My Story



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Gunny, I concur with many about your plan A. It was done much better than I did.

I also concur with your assessment of your wife. And where she is at.

I also am right there with you on your feelings about your wife, about accepting second best, etc. I have had the same feelings.

Now, there are no 2x4s coming here, because as I said, I concur with all above. But, there is one small problem.

You have not finished your mission yet. You have one last thing to do before you can call it a day. What is it?

Plan B.

There is, first of all, no rush in going to Plan D. As you said above, you have a lot of healing to do...and no future wife (including your current one, if she ever pulls her head out) needs all of that is going on inside you. So, time is your friend right now.

Plan B is for EXACTLY where you are at. It is for YOU, not necessarily for marriage or your current wife.

Remember early on I told you that you would have to earn your way out? Well, that still holds true. You have now earned Plan B. You have not yet earned your divorce.

One day, you and your children will look back on all of this. They will know everything by that point. And how will they assess your actions?

As we warned MANY times, you must do the OPORD to its completion. Finish the mission. You are now tired and done with dealing with this. Okay...well, that is what Plan B is for. It is the next step. It is what ALL of that work you have done the last three months are for. It was all set up to get you here.

You see, you go to Plan B. Not Plan D. You sit down, relaxed and not having to deal with the problems anymore. Not having to deal with her anymore. You can get your head clear. You have left the future of your marriage and family in her lap. And you have checked out, after doing a GREAT job on showing her what she is missing and will be missing if she doesnt do a cranial-rectal extraction soon.

You have shown your kids what it means to be family, to show the kind of love Jesus showed all of us, even when we ALL hung Him on that cross. They have seen a man who was steady under fire, and did not run. Did not falter. Did not waiver in his duty.

But, as I said, you still have one last mission. You pray, leave it in God's hands, write the Plan B letter, then go dark...and rest. Let her world come crashing down, while you heal.

Whether or not she comes back is not relevant. You NEED Plan B. Dont put the cart before the horse.

Take the time to finish well.


Standing in His Presence

FBS (me) (48)
FWW (41)
Married April 1993...
4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B))
Blessed by God more than I deserve
"If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"

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GJM,

Everyone thinks I'm crazy because my kids know that mommy had an affair and that they will hate me later because I turned them against her and exposed her to everyone.

I doubt it most kids would rather know the truth then internalize that they themselves were the reason for their parents marital troubles or divorce. In the long run they will respect you for being a man and protecting them.

Did you ask those people is it OK to lie to children?

God Bless
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How is it that every time I am about to fall, Mortarman comes back into the picture to pick me back up? That is truly amazing and to be honest, I wasn't considering Plan B. Not because I don't care anymore or because I'm hurting so bad that I can't focus on my life. I was always under the impression that Plan B was for an active affair. My understanding of Plan B was for the BS to preserve the love they have for their WS. I know that Plan B also gives the WS a taste of what life would be like without the BS.

Understanding what Plan B does for the BS, I can say that my love is still there. There is no active affair so the only thing left is to give her a taste of life without me.

Here's what I will do because I want to see this through til the end; I'll follow Plan B the way it's supposed to be done.

MM, you bring an important part of the equation into the conversation. God and prayer. That has been the most important part of this whole thing. Placing my faith in God and letting him open and close doors, as well as put up and tear down walls, has been huge for me. Faith was difficult for me and I still struggle at times, but I have friends that keep me on track. One of them asked me how I could be the example for my W if I don't talk to her. He said that Satan has a way of putting kinks in our armor and wants that division between us. He also told me that I was putting my flesh's desires in front of the Holy Spirit's work in me. There is a lot to consider here.

One of the things that concerns me is my son. As I have stated over the months, he is a huge key in all of this. I am grateful that he wants to live with me and I see that he's doing well. What I have been trying to explain to him is that I understand what he is feeling and I know that he is angry with his mom. I told him that people make mistakes and if they repent, it is important to forgive them so he can get the burden off of his shoulders. He looked at me and said "How do you know if I've forgiven mom when you haven't asked me?". I said "Have you forgiven her?". He said "Yes, but I don't want you guys to get back together".

That's a tough pill to swallow. I don't know how to convince my son that if my W decides to do what it takes to save our marriage, I would want her to come back. He's adamant about us not being together. With him being stuck in his ways and my W blaming me for him not wanting to be with her, I feel stuck. All I can do is pray that things will work out the way they should.



Me: BH 36
Her: WW 34
Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9
DDay 1-6/2009
DDay 2-9/2011
DDay 3-11/2011
Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011
Divorce final May 24, 2012
My Story



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Gunny, so much is similar in our situations...and many things different. Not really going to go into that...but just wanted you to know.

Whether there is an active affair or not, your love bank is still bleeding out. The feelings you are currently having are the "Check Engine" light in your car. It is a warning that something serious is about to happen to you...something you may not be able to pull back from.

We told you in the beginning that this process is NOT about your WW. Plan A is NOT about your wife. Plan B is NOT about your wife. Yes, there are things being done to your wife that enhance the situation in order to give your marriage the best possibilities. But, in the end...this is all about YOU!

There is a section on the main marriage Builders website that talks about a marriage in conflict. You see, if both of you are in love and moving toward together, that is the optimal state. But that isnt always attained or kept there.

So, at least one of you moves down to a state of conflict. Your needs arent being met, you arent in the optimal state. Now, if things are rectified, you both move back to the optimal state. If they arent, at least one of you moves to a state of pulling back.

A marriage can survive ONE person pulling back. It CANNOT survive both pulling back, because there is no one left fighting for the marriage. The best state is to get both back to a state of conflict, where things can get worked out and both of you can move to the optimal state of being in love.

This is why I told you Plan D isnt ready for you yet.

Now, how is Plan B fighting for your family and marriage? Because your tank is almost empty. And you must protect what is left in it. If not, even if your wife does pull her head out, it will be too late.

If you have read what happened to me, when we finally went to divorce court...the day after, I sent her the Plan B letter and went DARK! I think we only talked two times over three months. And one of those was because I wasnt paying attention and picked up the phone and she was calling. The second was right after I went dark, when she showed up to the baseball field when I was coaching my son, and unloaded on me in front of everyone.

But besides that...I went dark. And it was GREAT! I no longer thought about what she was doing or with whom. I was living in each day, healing. I lived each day, some good, some bad...with a firm reliance on the Lord. That He had a door for me even then...and that He would reward me for my faithfulness.

And He did. But I had NO IDEA that my wife would be on the other side of that door. I had no expectations that she would be. I had left her in His hands.

During that time, it was hell on Earth for her. Things were happening to her physically, mentally. She was under constant attack. The hedge had been removed. When I got the call one day, almost four months later, in which she left a message saying (in a very meek voice) that she needed to talk to me, but if I didnt want to, she would understand...I called her back. We met the next day at a restaurant. I was fully ready to get up and leave at any time if this wasnt a surrender meeting.

When she arrived, I was SHOCKED! She looked like Hell! She was a complete mess. Her car accident that she had the year before was causing her tremendous pain in her neck and back. She was on several high strength meds. She looked like she hadnt slept in months.

You can go back and get the blow-by-blow. But the point is that going dark is not necessarily giving up...it is handing it off to the reserves that are moving up and relieving you in your position. The war still rages on for her...but God has now taken your position, and you have been moved back to the rear for some R&R.

You get this? This is Biblical. I know your friend is thinking you are giving up, but I highly suggest he and you read Hebrews 10, on what God says we should do for a believer that continues to sin and not do what they are supposed to. It is enlightening!

On your son...I feel for you, and for him! And to be honest, for your wife also. Why? Because their relationship will never be the same. Not that it wont be good...its just that it will be different.

You are going to have to lead him through this. This is why I told you to make sure you keep him respectful to your wife, and show to her and him that you will continue to train him in being respectful and with being able to accept whatever happens. That your wife seeing that will go a long way!

My oldest son is not mine biologically. But anyone that meets us would not know that. My wife and I met when he was only a couple months old...and I adopted him soon after we married, before he was even one years old. And he only found out when he was about 14.

He was about the same age as yours when it happened to us. And he turned on my wife. Not as overtly as yours did...but their relationship changed. And she blamed me! Just as your wife is doing.

But, their relationship mended and they have a new one now. Not the same. You can still tell that he tends to trust me more. But, it was nice for both of us to see, on Valentines Day, we were lying in bed, and a text came to both of our phones from him (he is in college now) saying "Mom and Dad, hope you guys have a great Valentines Day!"

I tell you this because as much as you may feel lost in all of this, your son is even more lost. So, his feelings and him telling you he hopes you both dont get back together are because he is scared, has no power over this and no idea how to make his world right again. So, while listening to how he feels, understand that his decisions may not be the best ones. As my son realized later on...and is now glad that I followed the path I did.

Plan B, Gunny. It is your doorway out of this mess (FINALLY!!). What lies on the other side, only God knows.


Standing in His Presence

FBS (me) (48)
FWW (41)
Married April 1993...
4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B))
Blessed by God more than I deserve
"If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"

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Your child does not get to make huge decisions about your marriage for you.

You, you alone do that.







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Originally Posted by reading
Your child does not get to make huge decisions about your marriage for you.

You, you alone do that.


I whole heartedly agree reading. I think at one point I wanted my son to ask my wife to come home. I knew she would if he asked, but I wouldn't ask him to do that. I doubt he would have anyway. He says he doesn't want us together and stands his ground on it.


Me: BH 36
Her: WW 34
Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9
DDay 1-6/2009
DDay 2-9/2011
DDay 3-11/2011
Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011
Divorce final May 24, 2012
My Story



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Your son will be okay with your decision to recover, if your wife proves herself. He'll be the one to ensure that you keep that bar HIGH.

So, Plan B?


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

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Originally Posted by Scotland
Your son will be okay with your decision to recover, if your wife proves herself. He'll be the one to ensure that you keep that bar HIGH.

So, Plan B?
This actually made me chuckle a little. With what this little trooper has been through and done I have little doubt that HIS bar might even be higher than G's!


Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson


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Originally Posted by TigerWes
Originally Posted by Scotland
Your son will be okay with your decision to recover, if your wife proves herself. He'll be the one to ensure that you keep that bar HIGH.

So, Plan B?
This actually made me chuckle a little. With what this little trooper has been through and done I have little doubt that HIS bar might even be higher than G's!


You know, you're probably right TW. This kid takes after me so much. My W hates it and has always been jealous of our relationship. Of all the kids, he's always asking me to hang out and do stuff. He's always interested in what I'm doing. The other kids do their own thing and I'm always asking them if they want to hang out. They rarely say yes. So when mr smarty pants wants to hang out, I hang out. This is why she thinks he's my favorite.



Me: BH 36
Her: WW 34
Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9
DDay 1-6/2009
DDay 2-9/2011
DDay 3-11/2011
Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011
Divorce final May 24, 2012
My Story



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Originally Posted by GJM
Today I told my W that I was letting her go. I've learned a lot about myself over the last 7 months. One thing I learned was how strong I've become.

While I was talking to my W about everything, the thing that came up was the lack of progress she was making at working on our marriage. Up until now I had no expectations. I still don't expect anything from her. I do have my own expectations of myself though. I finally got to the point where I realized I was settling. Why would I want this woman back after she had more than one affair and blames me for her relationship with my son falling apart? She claims I was the reason for him not wanting to be around her. She says I should have come to her defense and she will never forgive me for that. She thinks I manipulated the situation and would do anything to get what I wanted.

I told her that my son found her affair phone and I wasn't going to lie to him about what he read. She said I could have come up with something like it was none of his business. She said I brought kids into adult business. When I told my W that she created the mess, she says she takes responsibility for her part and that I shouldn't have sent FB messages to her friends and family. She said that every time she felt like she was getting closer to me, she would think about my son not wanting to be with her and back off again.

I just finally go to the point where I don't want to do this anymore. I told my W that I love her, but I can't be around her anymore or talk to her....

I'm done. I explained to her that I wanted someone that wants to be with me, not someone that feels they need me. I want a best friend, not someone that needs privacy. I want to enjoy that person's company and be a team. I don't want to come second to everything else. I wasn't the perfect husband and I'll be the first to admit it. The things I did that she didn't like were easily fixable. Her way of fixing it was to do the ultimate damage by infidelity (twice). I gave it my all. I know I'll probably get some 2x4s, but that's ok. I need to recover and I can't do that with her in my life not committing to anything but herself. Maybe some day she will wake up. Maybe she won't. Either way, I know I'm going to move on to bigger and better things. I have to.

Good for you. I am very happy to see you standing up for yourself. I believe in saving marriages if possible, but not all can be saved.

Originally Posted by GJM
MB will always be a useful tool to me and I agree with everything on here, but no one I know does. Everyone thinks I'm crazy because my kids know that mommy had an affair and that they will hate me later because I turned them against her and exposed her to everyone. I stand by what I did. Thank you all for always helping me in my situation. There won't be a pity party here so don't worry. If anything changes, I'll let you guys know. Thanks for everything.

I can tell you that my dh wishes he had told his sons more of the Truth. He protected his WXW wwwwaaaaayyy too much and now it is biting him in the behind. The one thing about MB that I am forever in debt for is the guidance in telling my ds (nine at the time) the TRUTH about why his family was being torn apart.

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I'll never understand what drives a person to think they will find happiness from an AP, but I can sum up a wayward in one word....SELFISH


Me: BH 36
Her: WW 34
Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9
DDay 1-6/2009
DDay 2-9/2011
DDay 3-11/2011
Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011
Divorce final May 24, 2012
My Story



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Originally Posted by GJM
Understanding what Plan B does for the BS, I can say that my love is still there.


Oh it does more than just preserve (or rather neutralize) the love. Its gives you everything you need. Your new life. Plan B is my saviour. Its so difficult to describe the peace and the way it just picks you up and dusts you off and makes you stronger than ever.

To be honest, Im not sure what a man's Plan B is like. Women tend to hit the rocks pretty hard in the first few weeks. That grieving is important and clears the way for the benefits of Plan B. But thats just a few weeks after DDay.

I will say this. Plan A is active battle and you dont always feel the wounds during Plan A because the adrenaline is pumping. Its not until Plan B that you really start to feel how big the pain is, and then it gets smaller until it stops being immense and you can grab hold of the sides. Then it keeps getting smaller.

Divorce is another battle. Divorce hurts. Catch your breath first and make sure you will always know you did all you could.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by GJM
I told him that people make mistakes and if they repent, it is important to forgive them so he can get the burden off of his shoulders. He looked at me and said "How do you know if I've forgiven mom when you haven't asked me?". I said "Have you forgiven her?". He said "Yes, but I don't want you guys to get back together".


I just love your little lad. He is so WISE. Tell all those nosey parkers who advise you to lie to this wonderful person (which would be a TRAVESTY - how dare they?) that he has more sense in his little finger than they will have on their deathbeds.

Who made up this idea that kids stop loving their parents when they make a mistake? They may come to that if they keep on making the mistake, but its not exposure which achieves that. You see it time and time again. The kids love the parent and that doesnt get wiped clean in one day. The whole reason they need to know is because they love them.

I think your son judges the situation well as he sees it now and is right. You shouldn't get back together as things stand.

If she were to become a caring, less selfish person who was good for you, he would reevaluate and see that she is good for you.

I dont think you need to worry about him. He's got a good head on him.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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GJM,

I'm sorry things haven't worked out for you in spite of your valiant efforts. You have fought honorably for that which is most important: your marriage. May grace and peace be with you. You are an honorable man.

I am in the same place as you, and though I will never really accept what has happened to my marriage, moving forward I will make efforts to recover and breath in the goodness that life has to offer.

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Originally Posted by indiegirl
Originally Posted by GJM
I told him that people make mistakes and if they repent, it is important to forgive them so he can get the burden off of his shoulders. He looked at me and said "How do you know if I've forgiven mom when you haven't asked me?". I said "Have you forgiven her?". He said "Yes, but I don't want you guys to get back together".


I just love your little lad. He is so WISE. Tell all those nosey parkers who advise you to lie to this wonderful person (which would be a TRAVESTY - how dare they?) that he has more sense in his little finger than they will have on their deathbeds.

Who made up this idea that kids stop loving their parents when they make a mistake? They may come to that if they keep on making the mistake, but its not exposure which achieves that. You see it time and time again. The kids love the parent and that doesnt get wiped clean in one day. The whole reason they need to know is because they love them.

I think your son judges the situation well as he sees it now and is right. You shouldn't get back together as things stand.

If she were to become a caring, less selfish person who was good for you, he would reevaluate and see that she is good for you.

I dont think you need to worry about him. He's got a good head on him.

You are so right. I won't have to worry about him. Who do you think taught him? lol...I just have to keep guiding him and make sure he has all the tools necessary for when it's time to be a man, husband and father. I hope he never finds himself in my shoes. Like me though, he won't have control over the behavior of someone with no boundaries.


Me: BH 36
Her: WW 34
Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9
DDay 1-6/2009
DDay 2-9/2011
DDay 3-11/2011
Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011
Divorce final May 24, 2012
My Story



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Originally Posted by Justthe3ofus
GJM,

I'm sorry things haven't worked out for you in spite of your valiant efforts. You have fought honorably for that which is most important: your marriage. May grace and peace be with you. You are an honorable man.

I am in the same place as you, and though I will never really accept what has happened to my marriage, moving forward I will make efforts to recover and breath in the goodness that life has to offer.


I haven't really accepted what has happened to my marriage either. It's just something I have to deal with and try to put back together. I'm the strength in this family and I have to put forth all of my efforts. I am learning to breathe through all of this, but I am not the same as I was. I am a broken man. I am thankful for a lot of things in my life and have a lot of great people there to support me. I have a lot going for me, but nothing fills the void or emptiness I feel on a day to day basis. I know it's only temporary. We'll get through this.


Me: BH 36
Her: WW 34
Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9
DDay 1-6/2009
DDay 2-9/2011
DDay 3-11/2011
Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011
Divorce final May 24, 2012
My Story



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GJM ... I am and can feel your voidness 100%. I look around at my life and I have everything, except my husband. My WH has gone off the deep end ... his waywardness has him abandoning the children as well (sees them maybe 1-2 days (sometimes hours) per month).

I had many children with my WH because he was a great father. It is the hardest and most painful thing to except he is no longer a father.

I had to drive a long ways today, and on my drive I thought about life. Basically I am forced to fall out of love with a man who I have loved with all my heart and soul for 17 years, maybe find another one who will love all my kids, or stay single and be a very very single parent for the next 20 years.

A new husband, new home, new surroundings, money, clothes, nothing can fill this pain, this void, this situation that feels wrong in every sense.

I don't have time for a pity party because I have children to raise and want a happy and healthy mom. Recently my WH's dramatic decline out of all of our lives has thrown my personal recovery into a chaotic mess.

I am waking in the night with visions. I watch Kung Foo Panda 2 hoping to help find that inner peace.

I reckon this adultery nightmare will get less with time, but it doesn't ever correct the collateral damage done in its wake. Sure you and I can go off and fall in love with others, but what does that really do for our children. It does nothing. They don't care ... they just want mom and dad together.

I have my daily prayer for my WH. I reckon your wife and him are both still in their addicted, selfish, entitled, no accountability, adolescent phase ... God only knows if/when they will come out of it.

God Bless GJM ... may time help heal your wound.

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