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Is she still in contact with the OM?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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No. After I spoke to him and her sister spoke to him he has told her that he didn't want to talk to her or see her again. Her sister has also been "watching" out for any contact.

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I just wanted to check in and be sure I understand what I'm being told.

Even though we are separated and she tells me that she just wants me to leave her alone right now, I should NOT leave her alone? I should send her texts, emails, notes, etc to let her know that I love her and am thinking about her and things like that?

I'm just torn about knowing what I should do. Should I leave her be and let her think about things or should I "keep the pressure on" with my $LB deposits even though she tells me she wants to be left alone.

I definitely want to do all those things but I don't want to jeopardize the possibility that she is actually thinking of coming back to work on this but needs to clear her mind right now without my interference.

She definitely knows how I feel about her and what I am willing to do but I just wanted to get everyone's take on what they thought I should be doing right now.

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Wife just came by to pick up the kids and she wanted to talk.

Do y'all believe SHE just accused ME of having an affair????!!!! WTH???

I think she may be coming out of withdrawal and back into Conflict. I tried to keep my cool throughout the conversation, but lost it a little when she accused ME of having an affair before all this came up.

She told me that she sees me differently because of all the stuff I have done during this time like the exposure, tracking and stuff like that. I just told her that I was sorry but I had to do what I thought was right to try to regain the trust I had in her.

Didn't know what else to say to the things she was saying.

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
I just wanted to check in and be sure I understand what I'm being told.

Even though we are separated and she tells me that she just wants me to leave her alone right now, I should NOT leave her alone? I should send her texts, emails, notes, etc to let her know that I love her and am thinking about her and things like that?

I'm just torn about knowing what I should do. Should I leave her be and let her think about things or should I "keep the pressure on" with my $LB deposits even though she tells me she wants to be left alone.

I definitely want to do all those things but I don't want to jeopardize the possibility that she is actually thinking of coming back to work on this but needs to clear her mind right now without my interference.

She definitely knows how I feel about her and what I am willing to do but I just wanted to get everyone's take on what they thought I should be doing right now.

Yes ... that is Plan A in a nutshell. She needs you to chase her and woo her ... she needs to see you as the best possible option. When you fell in love, what was it about you that she loved? Regain that man.

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Is it normal that she infuriates me so much right now that I don't know if I can be around her?

She is basically accusing me of being the root of the problems, not the affair.

Am I just supposed to sit back and smile at the crazy things she is saying to me right now?

Last edited by looking_for_help; 04/14/12 11:32 AM.
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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
Do y'all believe SHE just accused ME of having an affair????!!!! WTH???

I think she may be coming out of withdrawal and back into Conflict. I tried to keep my cool throughout the conversation, but lost it a little when she accused ME of having an affair before all this came up.

She told me that she sees me differently because of all the stuff I have done during this time like the exposure, tracking and stuff like that. I just told her that I was sorry but I had to do what I thought was right to try to regain the trust I had in her.

The affair is STILL ON, I assure you. Her anger about your snooping and the exposure is all a sign of the fog, which is caused by the affair. She is trying to throw you off her scent by accusing you of an affair.

I would continue to snoop like a bloodhound and expose when you find evidence of contact.

In the meantime, just be as pleasant as possible and stay in constant contact with her.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
Is it normal that she infuriates me so much right now that I don't know if I can be around her?

She is basically accusing me of being the root of the problems, not the affair.

Am I just supposed to sit back and smile at the crazy things she is saying to me right now?

She is trying to distract you. Just smile and tell her you don't want that old marriage, but want a new marriage that is based on openness and honesty.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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ML,

When you say the affair is still on do you mean physically or emotionally? I am fairly sure that she hasn't let it go emotionally but I am as convinced as I can be right now that there has been no contact.

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
ML,

When you say the affair is still on do you mean physically or emotionally? I am fairly sure that she hasn't let it go emotionally but I am as convinced as I can be right now that there has been no contact.

lfh, why are you convinced there is no contact? Her entire demeanor says otherwise. The fog is still very, very thick and that tells me the affair is still on. That and the fact that she is trying to manipulate you into not snooping on her tells me she is hiding something.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
Is it normal that she infuriates me so much right now that I don't know if I can be around her?

She is basically accusing me of being the root of the problems, not the affair.

Am I just supposed to sit back and smile at the crazy things she is saying to me right now?

Yes waywards talk crazy talk and all from the same script. Read this.
Craziest things to come out of a Wayward's Piehole



FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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One of the main reasons I don't belive there has been any contact is because the POSOM doesn't want any contact. He has told her so and she knows that. He knows that there will be lawyers all over him as well as myself. He was quite concerned when he spoke to WW SIL that I was trying to contact him to get violent.
He was pretty much disinterested after that. I am convinced of that.

Even though I do agree that she is showing signs of not being completely done with the A, I believe it's just the emotional part now. She has a very deep emotional connection to the POSOM.

Does that make any sense ML?

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
One of the main reasons I don't belive there has been any contact is because the POSOM doesn't want any contact. He has told her so and she knows that. He knows that there will be lawyers all over him as well as myself. He was quite concerned when he spoke to WW SIL that I was trying to contact him to get violent.
He was pretty much disinterested after that. I am convinced of that.

THAT is not convincing at all. Any halfwit POSOM would be clever enough to tell you and others he doesn't want contact and then crawl further underground. Do you have any way of actually verifying no contact? If she is hiding out from you and her sister, how would she contact loserboy? A secret cell phone? Where and when would she have access to a landline? Doesn't she come in the house to babysit the kids during the day?

Do you have any access to her computer?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I do have access to her computer and havent seen anything in quite a while. She really has no time to physically meet him anywhere becuse she works late and then comes to her sister's house. They have been monitoring here comings and goings.

Since we are separated I havent been able to monitor as closely as before. So I cant say for 100% that there has been no contact.

She has actually begun wanting to talk things through within the past couple days which also leads me to believe that she might be coming around. I am still VERY cautious and reluctant about believing her. All I can do is believe her actions and what actual facts I can get.

For what it's worth, I dont know if the POSOM in this case WANTS her bad enough to continue pursuing. He had actually told her in some of their texts that he did t want a relationship with her nor would he be waiting for her if we didnt work. He basically shot her down after he got what he wanted.

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lfh, its very possible the affair is still on via her computer or a secret cell phone so I would keep your eyes peeled. She could also be calling him from work.

Quote
I am still VERY cautious and reluctant about believing her. All I can do is believe her actions and what actual facts I can get.

And her actions are not believable, which is why I suggest watching her closely. If you can get a VAR and a GPS on her car, that would be great.

In the meantime, just keep focusing on making yourself as attractive as possible.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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ML,

I understand and I will continue to make myself as appealing as possible.

I know I have been a "hard sell" with all this stuff up until now and I apologize for that, but I do believe that I am starting to see small "glimpses" of my real wife through all that FOG. I'm not letting my guard down by any means, but I am trying to pay attention to those short times when I think I see her in there.

Today was very interesting to say the least. After she left this morning I was pretty angry and she knew it. She called me 6 times and I wouldn't pick up the phone because I knew it would go no where. She then texted me and asked me to please answer the phone. So I do believe that she is trying to maybe see through those short breaks in the FOG.

I know I don't know much at all about dealing with this and that has been proven over and over again on this forum. I may end up eating more crow but I just feel like the physical affair is over and that they have not communicated. Now, I do not by any means believe he is out of her head. I don't even know if that will ever happen.

I will continue to be as attractive as possible and will try to play as nice as I can.

Again, thanks to everyone for the continued support on here. I'll update when something else comes up.

She wants to talk more sometime this weekend so I'll let y'all know what happens.

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
I know I don't know much at all about dealing with this and that has been proven over and over again on this forum. I may end up eating more crow but I just feel like the physical affair is over and that they have not communicated. Now, I do not by any means believe he is out of her head. I don't even know if that will ever happen.

lfh, I am not convinced at all. And I am puzzled why you qualify this with the word "physical?" You do understand if they are in touch via phone, email or smoke signal, that the affair is ongoing, right? An affair does not have to be in person to be ongoing. And you may be right, that contact has ended, but I am not convinced at all. That is why I need you to keep watching and don't believe or assume anything.

Quote
She wants to talk more sometime this weekend so I'll let y'all know what happens.

I think this is a great sign and I want to give you a script. Now it is up to you to stop waiting for her and take the lead. She may not follow right now, but you need to PRESENT a plan to lead your marriage out of the ditch. Here is how I would present this to her:

Set her down and explain to her that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you won�t stay in a loveless marriage. Tell her you are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:

1. end all contact with the OM for life

2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

4. no more opposite sex friendships

5. complete honesty about her affair<s> � passing a polygraph if needed

6. commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.

Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. She must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now she has failed. Unless she makes a 180 degree turn in her approach to what it means to be a wife, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if she won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.

Unless you use this program to create a much better marriage than the one you had before the affair, you are likely looking at repeat affairs. So don't even think you can get away with sweeping the affair under the rug and going back to what you had before. What you had before led to the affair!



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Your wife is still drunk on her affair and needs your leadership. This is where I would focus for now. Let her know you will not stay in a loveless marriage for long. She needs to know you won't be sitting around for long.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I was actually doing good leading this mornin until she accused me of having an affair. I pretty much lost control then. I didnt really want to talk to her anymore after that and she left.

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
I was actually doing good leading this mornin until she accused me of having an affair. I pretty much lost control then. I didnt really want to talk to her anymore after that and she left.

Read these and you'll see waywards all talk from the same script.
Craziest things to come out of a wayward's Piehole


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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