I know I don't know much at all about dealing with this and that has been proven over and over again on this forum. I may end up eating more crow but I just feel like the physical affair is over and that they have not communicated. Now, I do not by any means believe he is out of her head. I don't even know if that will ever happen.
lfh, I am not convinced at all. And I am puzzled why you qualify this with the word "physical?" You do understand if they are in touch via phone, email or smoke signal, that the affair is ongoing, right? An affair does not have to be in person to be ongoing. And you may be right, that contact has ended, but I am not convinced at all. That is why I need you to keep watching and don't believe or assume anything.
She wants to talk more sometime this weekend so I'll let y'all know what happens.
I think this is a great sign and I want to give you a script. Now it is up to you to stop waiting for her and take the lead. She may not follow right now, but you need to PRESENT a plan to lead your marriage out of the ditch. Here is how I would present this to her:
Set her down and explain to her that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you won�t stay in a loveless marriage. Tell her you are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:
1. end all contact with the OM for life
2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle
3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc
4. no more opposite sex friendships
5. complete honesty about her affair<s> � passing a polygraph if needed
6. commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.
Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. She must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now she has failed. Unless she makes a 180 degree turn in her approach to what it means to be a wife, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.
You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if she won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.
Unless you use this program to create a much better marriage than the one you had before the affair, you are likely looking at repeat affairs. So don't even think you can get away with sweeping the affair under the rug and going back to what you had before. What you had before led to the affair!