Cannot find anything. It keeps coming up with the same people I saw before.
Frustrating!

Try www.spokeo.com Pay the minimal amount for a short-term subscription if you need to.

Did you look on your county auditor's website?

Thank you! She isn't living in my county unfortunately or this would be easier. She has current addresses in two different states therefore I am trying to look at the county info in both states as I am not certain in which state she is actually residing. It's interesting as when I use spokeo there is slightly different information (such as birth yr, relationship status, family members) depending on the state but I think I now know who her ex is.

I think I was wrong about finding her ex H. The person I keep finding seems to be her dad. Should I send a letter to him? He seems to be in his 80s. Is that too mean for someone that old? I haven't told his gram for that very reason.

My H is not moving back into the house. He didn't respond to the email but I know that his lack of answer is an answer. He said he hasn't decided that he wants a divorce, but I can see he is clearly a cake eater as he isn't willing to leave her either. Please give opinions, should I plan A when I can, or plan B?

He found out I sent letters to her family advising of the affair. He says between that and me changing his cell phone acct password he is done, wants a divorce and I should just send the papers.
I don't know if he's just spouting things, or if he's really serious. I feel badly, that he's upset and that maybe I ruined a chance to reconcile. I know that's stupid because none of his actions actually showed he was thinking of reconciling but I'm still upset. My IC keeps telling me to look at his actions, not his words. His actions show he's doing NOTHING to stop the affair or spend any time with me.
Thoughts on what to do?

Pretty typical fogbabble. Check out my thread to see what my WW said/did after exposure.

If he continues down this path of non-reconciliation, you will know that your marriage was long beyond repair. Exposing helped save you many more months/years of heartache.

I'm not a vet here, just a BS like yourself, but that's my take.

I agree, these are typical threats. Wiser vets will be along shortly to comment on your plan a/b question.

T/J: AJoseJske, thanks bty for turning me on to wireshark. It is outstanding. Those tutorials did the trick. end T/J

Waywards will say a lot of hateful and spiteful things. You gotta let it brush off like nothing was said. There's a list of things waywards say that is typical and shows you what you can expect. I'll look for it and bump it up for you. Focus on what you need to do and try not to be reactive to his comments. He's angry that he's been discovered because he wanted to keep his affair a secret.

I started trying to plan A a bit because I figured I'd try something more concrete.
I've been texting w. him a bit, just kind of basic light or funny things, but keeping contact because that is something I am bad about during the day.
He was texting back, not a lot but keeping it light and said he'd be around to see me Sunday night. I then went out w. a friend last night and he knew about it. He was texting me asking me if I was ok, and to make sure I wasn't drinking and driving (that pissed me off though I didn't act pissed off. HE had the DUI and his gf had a DUI and I've never driven drunk. I said I had a DD and asked him why he thought I'd do that and he said he was just making sure I was ok like I did for him...who knows if that's true)
But one thing that actually bothered me was that when he asked he said "it's none of my business, but who are you with?" - I did tell him then that as my husband it is definitely his business and what I was doing. Is that typical ww craziness as well?

He showed up last night, 50 min late. I thought it was rude, and I mentioned it to him calmly. Possibly plan A is working a bit as we manages to have a nice evening even after he was late. Just chatting while watching tv really. One hard thing is that his BFF just found out he was cheated on and dumped. The BFFs gf cited nearly the same reasons as my H did to me as to why he cheated. I can tell he didn't want to tell me and was uncomfortable, but he did and I think he understands a little bit more at least, seeing his friends pain. Would be nice if he had cared about causing me this pain before all this, but we all feel that way I think.

Approximately how long do I keep up plan A prior to going to plan B?
He has asked me to spend time with him tonight, he's coming to our house, but he's still living with her. He also said he's still not sure about moving home.
Do I keep up plan A?

Dr. H recommends only 3 weeks of Plan A for women, 6 months or more for men. He says women tend to have health issues.

How long have you been in Plan A?
If he is already living with OW you need to start preparing for Plan B.
Hot To Plan B properly

I started plan A this week.
I am having some health issues, I now managed to have shingles for the second time! It's insane.
I am thinking I will be starting plan B within the next two weeks, basically on the 3 wk target. I just don't think I can sustain after that. Everyone is telling him to come home and he's insisting he doesn't live w her bc all of his stuff is still at our house and he doesn't stay there every night, and he needs privacy and his own space so he doesn't want to move right into her place. Yea right, please continue to be delusional H.

Movingonward, I think you should start Plan B right away.

Your H moved out several weeks ago, and you have been trying to get him to come back. You might have only heard of something called "Plan A" a few weeks ago, but really, you've being putting up with this situation for too long, and it is already affecting your health.

Your H is living with OW. He knows you want him to come home, and he won't. He is enjoying visiting you and having two women meet his needs when he feels like it. Plan A is doing nothing to bring him back home, but it is feeding him cake.

You don't have kids and this is a relatively short marriage. I'm sorry, but it sounds as if he isn't marriage material. And even if I am wrong, there is nothing to be gained by your waiting to go to Plan B, with a view to starting the divorce process soon, if he does not wake up.

Plan B takes some organisation, but much less so in the marriage where there are no kids. He is still responsible for his share of the rent or mortgage, but there must be some arrangement for these in place already, since you have been separated for weeks. You need to find an intermediary (IM) who can pass any urgent messages between you, but there cannot be much more to arrange.

I think you should do it now.

Here you go.
How to plan B properly
Plan B letter samples

Thanks SugarCane and BrainHurts. I think I need that dose of reality.
I am going to start to planning for plan B. This really sucks.

(((Moving)))

We know it hurts, but Plan B will help you heal and protect you.

Takes you away from the abuse.

It's a plan and will help you move forward. Do you have the book SAA?

Also listen to these radio clips with Dr. Harley talking about Plan A & B and Plan C(which is not recommended and not a MB plan).

At 5:30 mark Plan A & B

Radio Clip on Plan C

I listened to the clips, thank you.
I implemented plan B starting today. I don't feel ready, but I think it needs to be done. I saw him on Wednesday and I started crying and told him again I wanted him to move home. He held me while I cried, but said nothing.