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Did you write him a Plan B letter? If so, what did it say?

You need to give him a written plan for him to end his affair come home. You need to tell him that until he ends all contact with her he is not to contact you. You cannot "start Plan B" without informing him of the arrangements for paying bills, contacting you via an intermediary, and coming home once he can demonstrate that the affair is over.

I'm glad you've decided to do it and sorry that he won't come home yet. I suggest a short Plan B because if he does not come home within a few months, you need to make arrangements to move on with your life and find someone wants wants to be with you and have children with you (if you want children).


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Oh yes, I sent him a letter. I combined two of them I found on here and added in a few personal aspects. We had gone over bills earlier in the week so I have that planned and I have an intermediary as well that I told him about and advised how it would work.
I know it has to be done but already I am second guessing myself for no reason and I know I need to be far stronger.
He asked me to go a movie on Saturday and a huge part of me wanted to say yes just to see him because I miss what we had so much. But then I think, what alternate universe is this, you're my husband and belong with me, not scheduling movie dates and going back to her.
I am so so sad.


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So you sent him the plan B letter? You went into Plan B officially when?

Once you're in Plan B you go completely dark? No text, no emails no contact st all. Do you understand that?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I left him the letter last night.
I was advised by the intermediary that he received it and read it. I do understand its complete darkness, that is what is making me feel so alone. I hope this helps me to gain strength and perspective.


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In Plan B it's very important to take care of yourself.

So what are you going to do for you today? Manicure or pedi?
Go out with friends?

It's all about you. So what will you do?

Give yourself a pat on the back because you took a huge step.
Good job. You will gain strength and MB will make you a stronger person.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Our house is now listed for sale. I had spoken with our realtor earlier in the week and she finally managed to speak w. him yesterday to confirm to list it. I feel so awful, I love our little house and I was so proud that we bought it together.
Just like everyone else I'm asking, how can he let this happen to our life?
Maintaining plan B is already difficult, he texted me twice today, once to tell me about the house and another time to ask why I wasn't responding. I did not respond but re-explained to the intermediary about it and asked him to speak w. him.


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You should change your number.

What are you doing for you? Very important to take care of you in. Plan B



FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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So he emailed my personal email address that I didn't realize he knew with the following.

<<I'm not ready to file for divorce or sell the house.
I already know what things will be like with her, and that's better than what things were with us, what I wonder is after this can things be even better with us, so my decision is, do I end a good thing with her that's been better than us for the possibility of something better with us, a known vs a possibility>>

I honestly don't think he's trying to be mean, he just thinks he's being honest. I didn't respond. Wtf.



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Originally Posted by Movingonward0301
So he emailed my personal email address that I didn't realize he knew with the following.

<<I'm not ready to file for divorce or sell the house.
I already know what things will be like with her, and that's better than what things were with us, what I wonder is after this can things be even better with us, so my decision is, do I end a good thing with her that's been better than us for the possibility of something better with us, a known vs a possibility>>

I honestly don't think he's trying to be mean, he just thinks he's being honest. I didn't respond. Wtf.
You're in Plan B you need to change your email.
You did send him a Plan B letter,correct with your conditions?

He is trying to see if he can break you down. In your Plan B did you tell him you want a better M than pre-affair? If so then he has his answer.

Have your IM send


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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That's the odd factor though, the email address. I created it after plan B, and the only people that have it that I knew of are me and my lawyer. Guess I need something more creative.
Yes, I sent a letter w. clearly spelled out conditions. I did tell him I wanted a better marriage, I included his top ENs and ways I wanted and now understand to better meet them than I was before, as well as things I was going to work on changing about myself that I know bother both he and I about me.

Meanwhile, I have hardly any time for me as I'm trying to get this house ready for showings practically alone as he is so angry about it he won't do anything. He took the ceiling down in our family rm the last weekend of Oct. we had all these plans to reinsulate and add better lighting, re do the floor together etc. Then she gives him her number the next week or so and suddenly all of the plans are gone, he has no more hopes and dreams about our home or life. (meanwhile he had previously said those were gone in June, pre meeting her.)
So now there is a partially torn apart rm and my parents are helping me pay for someone to do something w. it just to show bc he says he has no ambition towards the house any longer. But he's not ready to sell it.
Plan B is the only thing saving my sanity right now.


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Moving,

You need to to have an iron clad plan B. He shouldn't have been able to contact you. Do NOT read anything he sends you. Make sure you have changed phone numbers, emails, FB settings that nobody can message you except in your friends list. You're currently in Plan C.

You might want to see your doctor for some temporary medications for the moment.

You can get through this ((((moving))))


Me: BS/FWW - 38
BH/FWH - 36
Married 13 years, together 17 years
Two boys: 9 & 12
OW#1 DDay: PA Nov 26, 2009 (July 2008-July 2009)
OW#2 DDay: PA Nov 29, 2009 (May 2009-Sept 2009)

Me: EA/PA (RA?) June 2010-Sept 2010
His DDay: Oct 2010
Joined: May 2011
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Originally Posted by Movingonward0301
So he emailed my personal email address that I didn't realize he knew with the following.

<<I'm not ready to file for divorce or sell the house.
I already know what things will be like with her, and that's better than what things were with us, what I wonder is after this can things be even better with us, so my decision is, do I end a good thing with her that's been better than us for the possibility of something better with us, a known vs a possibility>>

I honestly don't think he's trying to be mean, he just thinks he's being honest. I didn't respond. Wtf.
Oh moving, hugs to you after reading that. Waywards don't necessarily TRY to be mean, they just ARE. Waywards by their very nature are selfish. And reading the babble your WH wrote, there are a LOT of I's in there. No mention of you or your pain. Just justifications for his cruelty.

He is still wayward, still foggy, and therefore, not worth your head space. Delete this.

Change the email addy pronto. Are there any other potential cracks in Plan B that you should seal up? If so, do it.

And then have a nice bubble bath smile


Me (BW): 35
Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.

WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it.

Plan B has set me free.

"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."
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Originally Posted by Movingonward0301
Maintaining plan B is already difficult, he texted me twice today, once to tell me about the house and another time to ask why I wasn't responding. I did not respond but re-explained to the intermediary about it and asked him to speak w. him.
Moving, you have changed your phone number since this haven't you?

Plan B will not be effective for your recovery if you allow gaps like this.


Me (BW): 35
Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.

WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it.

Plan B has set me free.

"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."
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I did change my number after the texts a week ago.
The email address was new, created after plan B. it is a different combo of my name than I've always used previously but I did keep it at yahoo like my old one (didn't think at the time I should use a total other one, thought the address was enough) I'm thinking he just guessed it correctly because my lawyer was the only other person with it and she wouldn't have given it to him of course. clearly I need something better.
I did change my fb, my only crack in this planB That I didn't think of until this are possibly my cousins. They are still friends w him on fb and they don't know about what is going on bc I haven't really told a lot of my family.
I was trying to avoid telling people in the event we could work things out but I am going to need to talk w them.


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Yes if you think it's family that is giving the information then you need to talk to them.



FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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He showed up where I was staying over the weekend (trying to figure out how he knew, need to determine that yet, it's an 1.5 drive from where our house is, 2 hrs from where he is staying, and a 2.5 hr drive in the other direction from where I am primarily staying w my parents that he knew about so it wasn't just that he happened to be there), said he missed me and wanted to see me and he's thinking about our past and all we have shared and maybe things could be better w us than w her. My friend made him leave quickly, nothing dramatic happened. I cried, that's about it.
Guessing this is really nothing, because he still hasn't been remorseful and hasn't agreed to my conditions. But is that normal?


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Glad to hear your friend asked him to leave.

He's getting his EN needs met by both you and OW. The OW isn't able to fullfill all his EN. You've given him a small taste of what it's like without you that's why he bent over backwards to find you.

Just stay the course until he is ready to follow the requirements to recover your marriage.

He's just cake eating right now because he can, STAND FIRM.



Me: BS/FWW - 38
BH/FWH - 36
Married 13 years, together 17 years
Two boys: 9 & 12
OW#1 DDay: PA Nov 26, 2009 (July 2008-July 2009)
OW#2 DDay: PA Nov 29, 2009 (May 2009-Sept 2009)

Me: EA/PA (RA?) June 2010-Sept 2010
His DDay: Oct 2010
Joined: Jun 2008
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You'll need to expose to everyone, not just some, that's one reason you may be having problems with leaking information. Don't try to protect him from what he's done, he needs to own up to it and correct his behavior or there's no saving your marriage. Please change your phone number, change your email address again. If you pay your bills on line and he knows the PW and you've entered your new email address or phone number in there, he can access that information...you need to change the PW on all of your accounts to protect your privacy.


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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Originally Posted by Movingonward0301
He showed up where I was staying over the weekend (trying to figure out how he knew, need to determine that yet, it's an 1.5 drive from where our house is, 2 hrs from where he is staying, and a 2.5 hr drive in the other direction from where I am primarily staying w my parents that he knew about so it wasn't just that he happened to be there), said he missed me and wanted to see me and he's thinking about our past and all we have shared and maybe things could be better w us than w her. My friend made him leave quickly, nothing dramatic happened. I cried, that's about it.
Guessing this is really nothing, because he still hasn't been remorseful and hasn't agreed to my conditions. But is that normal?
You're in Plan B, correct?

This is a huge gap in Plan B. Have your IM send another email restating your conditions from your Plan B letter. If he's serious about trying to recover he will go through your IM.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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From what I've read, this is typical WH hating Plan B behaviour.

Follow BH's suggestion. IM should remind him that he can have contact when he meets your conditions.

Now, putty up those cracks. If WH tries this sort of selfish and disrespectful behaviour again do NOT let him see or speak with you. Your friends simply tell him if he wants to contact you, he can go through the IM. And close the door.

And don't undermine the effect this has had on your own personal recovery. Bet you have hope right? Bet you're more focussed on him than yourself huh? After all, WH must love you if he is acting like this? Umm, no. WH is showing he wants contact on his conditions only. Without meeting your conditions, this would be a false recovery. More painful than what you are going through now.


Me (BW): 35
Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.

WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it.

Plan B has set me free.

"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."
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