|
|
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,534 Likes: 9
Member
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,534 Likes: 9 |
Should I not have a relationship with my own father? Isn't that up to me? Sure, I don't like what happened between them and I don't like his actions, but I should be allowed to have a relationship with him. It isn't about believing either side. I have made decisions about what happened, but in the end, it is between them, not me. Why should I be punished for actions that I had NOTHING to do with? Have you ever been a divorced kid? This is about the worst kind of attitude to have toward the child in the situation. Let's just make the "child" (I'm not a child) in the sitation choose and if it isnt the right choice, they are punished. Nice.
What do you suggest I do, then? Oh don't be such a drama queen. You are a grown up. Write like one. As far as I can tell, your mother's current distress is not at the fact that you have "a relationship" with your own father. It is at the kind of relationship that is; one that is happy that he is happy with his new wife, regardless of the wife he kicked aside to get to his happiness. If you can't see the difference between right and wrong then I know I won't be able to teach it to you via few posts on a message board. I don't know what my history has to do with a grown woman being able to make decisions about her own behaviour, but yes, I was a "divorced kid". My mother left my father when I was 8 over his very similar-sounding adulteries; carrying on with women in the workplace and giving the impression that he did not have a wife at home, and other adulteries, too. My father married the woman he took us on a date with while he was still living with my mother. He married her within the year, and she divorced him a couple of years later. My broken family faced hardships after the separation, but harder than the financial hardships and the living in one room was not having a father at home taking care of us. I had a relationship with him until he died when I was 25, but it was reluctant. He was entitled to see us at regular intervals when we were kids and so we had to see him. When I grew up, I hardly saw him at all. I regret all that and I really wish that it had never happened and that I had had a proper father. My regret is the main reason why I did not give up on my own marriage after multiple D Days; my children are a major part of the decision I take to carry on trying, every day, in this marriage. I wish I had not had to divorce my own father emotionally for causing us such misery - but after seeing my mother struggle and finally give up on dealing with his infidelities, I could never look at him neutrally, even aged 8. I was a child, and I could tell right from wrong, at least.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 3,786
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 3,786 |
Mulan, I have been reading this diaologue and I have a couple things to add. First off let me post to you my 10 Commandments. As a BS I know first hand the affects of adultery. The most common phrase I hear from people is, "He cheated, dump his hinny and move on." As many of you BS's know it isn't quite that simple. I spend a portion of my day dedicated to God, Prayer, Bible Reading, and devotion for my own personal recovery. It seems to be my only outlet to make sense of this entire ordeal. Clearly society isn't on my side, and it seems adultery has just about become a "Normal", i.e. "So your WH fell out of love with you, he cannot chose who he falls in love with!!" From the mouth of my wayward MIL.  I am perplexed by society today. When it comes to adultery Aren't all the commandments broken? Why you may want to rethink you choice when it comes to adultery!! 1) You shall have no other Gods except me: Adultery gives us the God of Addiction. You are putting your addiction ahead of God. 2) You shall not make yourself and idol. Adultery is the entitlement that I am owed something not presently given to me by my spouse. I am above all and am entitled to feel instant gratification for my body. 3) Do Not take the Lord's Name in Vain: Adultery is the ability to justify that God brought this person into your life to be your "soulmate". God does not and will never accept his name being used to justify adultery! 4) Remember the Sabbath and keep it Holy: Anyone committing adultery cannot practice the Sabbath or keep it Holy when sin is present in their lives. It cannot be done - No Way! No How! You are not keeping anything about the sabbath holy if you are in an adulterous relationship. You must repent first. 5) Honor your mother and father: For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. You cannot honor your mother and father when you break your vow. This is the union of becoming one flesh. That one flesh produces offspring which are products of your father and mother. There is no honor when you go outside that flesh to another person. 6) Though shall not murder: When a man and woman take the covenant before God that they will marry until death, God does something amazing, he makes them one flesh. Adultery takes that one flesh and tears in into two flesh. Not only is the marriage murdered, but the one flesh has been murdered and both spouses are torn in half. God is the only one who can restore the flesh back to one and in the case of the BS God restores their flesh so they can marry another. If the WS desides to repent then his flesh will also be restored otherwise the WS dies a slow and painful death with half his flesh. 7) You shall not commit Adultery: Enough Said!!!! 8) You shall not steal: The OP is solely responsible for stealing the mate of another. You cannot bed a theif without a wrath of consequences to follow, because 9) You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor: Hey Wayward quit the lying, deceit, and betrayl. Adultery cannot survive unless you constantly break the 9th Commandment. & Finally hurray 10) You shall not covet anything that belongs to your neighbor: Lust of the flesh, Lust of the eyes, and Pride of life. Nothing good will ever come by breaking this commandment. Just don't do it!! Wow - I can see why we have the 10 Commandments, and how breaking those commandments may not be a wise choice for the soul. Adultery is truly 10 Commandment Hell, and that my friends it something I don't think I would be messin' with. That is just Bad, Bad, Very Bad Karma. Tough~ Let me add ... you are perfectly in your right to grieve the cruelty and abuse you sustained at the hands of your abuser (xWH). You were murdered and if your daughter could actually see the pain of adultery as it is in terms of murder then she wouldn't be suggesting you get over it. I hear entitlement, waywardness, and selfishness in your daughter. Again as I stated in my previous posts this is what happens when people enable addicts. Again your xWH is an addict ... he will remain that way until he truly repents and repentance cannot be done unless you are involved. I am sorry your children are rationalizing, justifying, and blameshifting you. In the end remember the guilt they carry is burdensome to them. I suspect your daughter carries that burden with her because it is written in her posts. I encourage you to hold true the love you have for xWH and when it is your time to let it go, then you let it go. There are no rules, and there is no timeframe. It is a process and three years past this is still relatively new. Your daughter wants you to get over it and move on because that would ease her guilt, and allow her to justify her relationship with her father. I encourage you to grieve on your time. There is no such thing as moving on until your xWH cleans up the mess. As with all nuclear bombs it hangs around for each generation to get nuked ... this mess of a cesspool your xWH will continue through your children, your children's children, your children's children's children, until they finally STOP and say adultery is to NEVER EVER be accepted and they only way to make right what was wrong is to put back the family it destroyed. Getting a new wife, new life, and new "Moving on" attitude has never ever been proven to fix the mess. Name me one couple where their lives turned out happy, healthy, and joyful when it is built on adultery, addiction, or waywardness. {{{{{{MULAN}}}}}}} We love you to pieces and the stance you have on adultery and your Plan B is proudly supported here and by posters on this board. Tough~
Last edited by PrayIncessantly; 05/01/12 03:10 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,709
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,709 |
cyndyk. Your posts are littered with anger directed towards Mulan and insinuations that she played a part in your father's decision to turn away from his commitments and become a liar and a cheat. The choice was entirely his to become a cheat...it was not a joint decision. You don't seem to grasp that fact. You don't get it.
When we marry we make a promise to turn towards each other...not away when things are rough.
I am sorry that your father put you in this position. Mulan is not the bad guy.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 4,983
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 4,983 |
t/j
That is an amazing post PI.
End t/j
"Get busy living, or get busy dying"...... The Shawshank Redemption.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
Cynd, you speak of what you know not of. I was only married for ten years and no children and only one A and the pain was/is/will always be physically excruciating. Your mother is a hero. I still believe the hurt and anger are holding you hostage from being truly happy. I feel like the hurt and anger are so strong that you struggle so much emotionally because of it. I just wish you can find a way to channel and sort out this anger and depression in a healthier way. Its healthy to admit you're hurt when you're hurt. Its healthy to expect help from your loved ones. Its healthy to expect time to do its job, in time and not before Its healthy to refuse to sweep such a life altering blow under the carpet and pretend it doesn't matter. Its healthy to refuse denial. Its healthy to tell people to get a clue when they say 'get over it' Or 'channel it'. Into what exactly? Nonsense. So your dad stabbed your mother in the back and everyone is yelling at her for bleeding on the floor too much and for too long. Help her, much, do you? While you were toasting his attack of your mother at his wedding? Its you and you're brother who are not choosing the healthy road. You've both chosen denial, the nothing really matters, fake smiles, everybody's cool with your foul behaviour dad, path. Which ENABLE him to continue that behaviour. With YOUR backing. Your mothers wounds aren't old. She's barely had time to heal and the wounds get reopened every time someone claps her attacker on the back and wishes him well with the proceeds of that attack. She wants empathy toward her but there is no empathy towards us at all. It shouldn't just go one way. Telling her to get over it is not empathy. Empathy does not involve supporting the adulterers. You do not need empathy. You need to wake up and face your own pain instead of pretending everything is great.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Hi, Cindy, I remember when you posted before, in about 2010 when your mother was really needing the peace that Plan B affords. At the time I mistakenly thought she was already divorced.
I have been in your situation, and for what it is worth, I made the opposite choice: I have nothing to do with my wayward mother. Despite the fact that a lot of people in society would take issue with how I have chosen to live my life, I have found that it is the safest and most peaceful for me. Among other things, it is the only way to recover from the trauma that my wayward mother brought by destroying my family when I was a teenager.
My father was not perfect, but nothing he did could have justified my mother choosing an affair.
My father wanted to keep our family, we children wanted to keep our family, our mother did not. So as far as I am concerned, she exited the family and the rest of us stayed. I would never support her new life, or permit her to justify her choice to bail, and that made it impossible for us to continue to have a relationship.
For what it's worth, this choice worked best for me, and I believe it is best today for my wife and children.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,140
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,140 |
I will add one more thing (okay, two more things:)
1) I did not object to the kids having a relationship with their father. What I cannot fathom is their having a clearly supportive relationship with his instant new wife, and hiding that fact from me all this time.
2) The kids know that I will not leave them no matter what they might ever do, and I haven't - not now or ever. But they also know that their father WILL leave, because he did, and they know very well that if they ever dare stand up to him or say one word to him about any of his behaviour, he'll dump them the same way he dumped me.
And I'm not talking about financial cutoff - I'm talking about total cutoff from him entirely, exactly the way he cut me off and threw me away. He'll do the same to ANYONE who stands up to him, including the kids, and they absolutely know this. They had front-row seats when it happened to me.
It's a price I was not willing to pay, but they have made a different choice. I understand why they made it, but in the end, he may prove to be unworthy of their loyalty. Time will tell.
Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
The kids know that I will not leave them no matter what they might ever do, and I haven't - not now or ever. But they also know that their father WILL leave, because he did, and they know very well that if they ever dare stand up to him or say one word to him about any of his behaviour, he'll dump them the same way he dumped me. This was perfectly obvious to me, Mulan you didn't need to explain. Your daughters hedged explanations of why she has a relationship with him : "he's not perfect" "I'm allowed". But not a word as to whether its a happy or satisfying one. It must hurt you quite a lot to see them gaslighted and to see them try to hold on to the shell of the man he once was. But they have to go their own way and find out for themselves. You've made your displeasure clear, the rest is up to them. Being a mother looks hard.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 3,786
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 3,786 |
Mulan,
We can see that and hear that in your daughter's posts. As outsiders we read her justifications, blame, and rationalizations and it is a fact those are covering fear.
Mulan ... I can see you trapped in their manipulation. It feels like your posts are trying to prove to us your reality, and we (all 100 posters) believe you, understand you, and want to let you know you don't have to prove anything to us.
You are being manipulated by the wayward and his minions. It is still controlling you, and I want to let you know we have your back.
I want to caution you because you seem to have waywards coming at you at all angles. I am not 100% certain how wayward your children are ... reading your daughters post suggest she is buying the kool-aid your WH is selling. Again I believe that is solely to appease her own guilt.
Your children are grown and of course they have the right to do what they want. I caution you trying to educate them. As long as they drink the adultery kool-aid they will exhibit key wayward (enabling/addict) behaviors. It is inherent and will not change until they remove themselves from denial.
You are caught between a rock and a hard place. You stood up for righteousness and honor only to be thrown under the bus now by your children. It is tough to be in this position because you love your children will all your might, yet they are a great source of pain today. Only you will know what is best in your relationship with them.
I encourage you to stand firm in your boundaries. For them to hold a lie for so long is going to have detrimental effects. I know your daughter is feeling it, and I can only assume your son is feeling as well. They became liars and ultimately betrayed you as well. The saddest part to all the lying, deceit,and betrayal is again it was all because of the selfishness, thoughtlessness, and cruelty from your xWH.
I know you as a mother taught them differently ... you taught them honor, integrity, character, and morals.
I pray your children will see the light and walk from the darkness. I caution you to keep your guard (boundaries) high as long as they continue to walk the path with a wayward.
There are tens of thousands of examples on this forum that those who enable a wayward usually walk the same path.
Be their lighthouse ...
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
Mulan I know you say WH has a lot of supporters but isn't there anyone, ANYONE who has stood up to him? Told him they're not putting up with this behaviour and he better make amends to his heartbroken family quick? Has no one told him that they will never partcipate in a family kumbaya-singing fake out while his behaviour remains so appalling?
Does no one love him or want him to be a good man?
Last edited by indiegirl; 05/01/12 04:46 PM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,074
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,074 |
Milan, please understand your daughter, she doesn't want to lose her father again and thus must support him and defend him. I was, regretfully, the same way.
Cindy, you have betrayed your mother. I did, and I made ammends. You need to start dealing with your own emotions of anger (it is clearly inwardly to your father, though you are projecting it on your mother, been there, done that), and abandonment. You are hiding, trust me, it will surface.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 44
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 44 |
Milan, please understand your daughter, she doesn't want to lose her father again and thus must support him and defend him. I was, regretfully, the same way.
Cindy, you have betrayed your mother. I did, and I made ammends. You need to start dealing with your own emotions of anger (it is clearly inwardly to your father, though you are projecting it on your mother, been there, done that), and abandonment. You are hiding, trust me, it will surface. Trust me, this is not the case. Listen, XH is no angel. I've said that. His actions have not always been noble or healthy for our family. I understand that. Also, if Mulan is allowed to "stil love him", why can't I? Why can't I still have a relationship with him, if I choose? I just don't think Mulan's actions are a healthy way of dealing with this hurt that was caused by him. I just think that for Mulan to become a healthy productive mother, grandmother and friend, I just would like to see her seek counsel or medication to help deal with the fall-out of this situation. I wouldn't say this if I really didn't think she needed help. Her words and feelings have not changed in over 10 years and that worries me. If that makes me angry, selfish and obviously psychologically unstable, then so be it. You all don't know me very well. I just hope my mom sees past your words and doesn't see me the same way. I'm just angry and likely so is she. My heart has always been in the right place. I'm simply frustrated.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 3,786
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 3,786 |
Milan, please understand your daughter, she doesn't want to lose her father again and thus must support him and defend him. I was, regretfully, the same way.
Cindy, you have betrayed your mother. I did, and I made ammends. You need to start dealing with your own emotions of anger (it is clearly inwardly to your father, though you are projecting it on your mother, been there, done that), and abandonment. You are hiding, trust me, it will surface. Trust me, this is not the case. Listen, XH is no angel. I've said that. His actions have not always been noble or healthy for our family. I understand that. Also, if Mulan is allowed to "stil love him", why can't I? Why can't I still have a relationship with him, if I choose? I just don't think Mulan's actions are a healthy way of dealing with this hurt that was caused by him. I just think that for Mulan to become a healthy productive mother, grandmother and friend, I just would like to see her seek counsel or medication to help deal with the fall-out of this situation. I wouldn't say this if I really didn't think she needed help. Her words and feelings have not changed in over 10 years and that worries me. If that makes me angry, selfish and obviously psychologically unstable, then so be it. You all don't know me very well. I just hope my mom sees past your words and doesn't see me the same way. I'm just angry and likely so is she. My heart has always been in the right place. I'm simply frustrated. How do you plan to heal your mother from your lies, gaslighting, betrayal and long standing deceit? You held those secrets for a long time ... would you be up to helping Mulan heal from these new inflicted wounds? Your mother is lying on the floor bleeding to death. She has gaping wounds from her xWH, and now her children. I would like to see your plan on how you will help her heal.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,074
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,074 |
You are in denial Cindy, and you are intentionally hurting your mother.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240 |
The kids know that I will not leave them no matter what they might ever do, and I haven't - not now or ever. But they also know that their father WILL leave, because he did, and they know very well that if they ever dare stand up to him or say one word to him about any of his behaviour, he'll dump them the same way he dumped me.
And I'm not talking about financial cutoff - I'm talking about total cutoff from him entirely, exactly the way he cut me off and threw me away. He'll do the same to ANYONE who stands up to him, including the kids, and they absolutely know this. They had front-row seats when it happened to me. My WH is exactly like that too. My sons, at 6 and 9 when he left, knew this too. They wouldn't ever tell him that they were mad at him for abandoning them. They won't speak truthfully to him, but they always do with me, because they know where they are SAFE. Mulan I know you say WH has a lot of supporters but isn't there anyone, ANYONE who has stood up to him? Told him they're not putting up with this behaviour and he better make amends to his heartbroken family quick? Has no one told him that they will never partcipate in a family kumbaya-singing fake out while his behaviour remains so appalling?
Does no one love him or want him to be a good man? In my case, this is exactly what has happened. No one stood up to him. Cyndy, it isn't about having a relationship with your father, it is about supporting his choice in committing adultery. You did that by supporting his affairage. My mom recently had an affair. She left my father. I didn't know about MB back then, and I am ashamed(Yes ASHAMED) at my behaviour. I didn't support the affair, but I didn't actively speak out against it either. When I found MB, I realised my mistake, and I rectified it. How? I told my mom that I would no longer go to her home, where she lived with OM. That I wouldn't allow my children to go there either. That I wouldn't ever speak to OM. And I remember refusing a ride, in winter, to work, because OM's van was going to be used. She got mad at ME for putting HER in that position. But I made my choice. I would continue to have a relationship with my mother WITHOUT accepting her ADULTERY choices. Her affair actually ended within 6 months of me making my stand, because my sister, and brother also followed suit. She realised that by choosing her OM, she would lose her family. The affair was no longer a good option for her. Now, I'm not saying that anything that you do will get your dad to end his adultery. What I am saying is that your inaction is contributing to him staying in the mess he has created. You need to support your mom by not blindly supporting your dad's choices. You can't un-ring the bell. What you can do is apologize for supporting this sham of a new marriage, and not have any type of relationship with OW. And NOTHING your mom did or didn't do in her marriage makes what your dad did okay. My dad beat my mom when I was a child, and I still didn't support her choice to have an affair. If she wanted to leave, she should have gotten a divorce before she chose to date again. Stick around and read through the articles, and threads, if for no other reason than to understand your mom. I think she is one of the strongest women out there. I know that I wouldn't be holding it together as well as she is, had I just found all of this out. Mulan, thank you for your words. As always, you have helped me in my own personal recovery. I cried when I read your words about still loving your WH. It made me feel like I wasn't alone, and I could still get through this even with that love. That I'm okay.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 44
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 44 |
Milan, please understand your daughter, she doesn't want to lose her father again and thus must support him and defend him. I was, regretfully, the same way.
Cindy, you have betrayed your mother. I did, and I made ammends. You need to start dealing with your own emotions of anger (it is clearly inwardly to your father, though you are projecting it on your mother, been there, done that), and abandonment. You are hiding, trust me, it will surface. Trust me, this is not the case. Listen, XH is no angel. I've said that. His actions have not always been noble or healthy for our family. I understand that. Also, if Mulan is allowed to "stil love him", why can't I? Why can't I still have a relationship with him, if I choose? I just don't think Mulan's actions are a healthy way of dealing with this hurt that was caused by him. I just think that for Mulan to become a healthy productive mother, grandmother and friend, I just would like to see her seek counsel or medication to help deal with the fall-out of this situation. I wouldn't say this if I really didn't think she needed help. Her words and feelings have not changed in over 10 years and that worries me. If that makes me angry, selfish and obviously psychologically unstable, then so be it. You all don't know me very well. I just hope my mom sees past your words and doesn't see me the same way. I'm just angry and likely so is she. My heart has always been in the right place. I'm simply frustrated. How do you plan to heal your mother from your lies, gaslighting, betrayal and long standing deceit? You held those secrets for a long time ... would you be up to helping Mulan heal from these new inflicted wounds? Your mother is lying on the floor bleeding to death. She has gaping wounds from her xWH, and now her children. I would like to see your plan on how you will help her heal. I don't even know what some of those words mean. What is gaslighting? What lies did I tell? How have I deceived her? She told us to NEVER talk about him. So I respected her wishes. It made me sick to keep that secret. My brother and I chose to keep the marriage a secret because at the time any mere mention of his name would cause such major anxiety that I just felt worried that the news would have sent her to the hospital again. I had a very real fear of that. She has a past history of acting suicidal and spent time in a hospital due to this whole situation. I was scared. I'm sorry. But, I guess I'm a bad person. Why should I have to lay out a plan for her to heal? I've tried. I've tried to help her re-finance her house. I've talked to her. I've tried visiting as much as I can. I tried to talk to her and listen to her about this whole situation. I just tried to support her work, her friends, etc. Maybe that wans't enough. In the end, it isn't MY plan. It has to be her plan and her desire to get well and find a way to heal from all of this. I should never be made to choose between them. I've chosen both of them. I have reconciled the past with XH, but that is not the same as forgiving. We've moved beyond it. Just like I've been trying to maintain a relationship with my mother. Choosing both means I and my grandchildren deserve to know their family. You don't know me at all. And I find your comments disgusting.
Last edited by cyndyk; 05/01/12 05:54 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389 |
Cyndyk,
I am more in your position than your mothers (my mother was the one who had the affair and remarried 3 weeks after she divorced my dad), I was 27 years old when it happened. I don't even like my dad and I am estranged from him, unlike you who is still in contact with your mother (the 'BS')
While I still believe the WS has the right to be in my child's life (he will always have his grandmother), I don't understand your support for the affair marriage, I really don't. I'm sorry. I follow the same rules as Scotland and the affair man will never even meet my child or be a part of his life.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 3,786
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 3,786 |
Why should I have to lay out a plan for her to heal? You intentionally and deliberately supported the annihilation of your family, your mother, and now his affairage. As a betrayed person ... this is the worst ... I mean the worst thing anyone can do. We understand your reasons ... there are no excuses. You were a grown woman who made grown woman choices. They have grave consequences. When you stood there at that wedding, what was your conscience saying to you? If it was thinking of your mother that day, then I think you know what needs to be done. If my comments bother you, then I kindly ask you to keep reading what I write. I speak the truth, and only the truth. It is a stand against adultery, annihilation of families, and affairages. You have been here for many years ... what have your learned? I encourage you to help your mother heal from the gapping wound you have created. She is lying on the floor bleeding. You state you have lied to her for a long time ... how did that lying hurt your relationship all these years. Your mother couldn't heal because her intuition was telling her to follow the smell test. Unfortunately she was smelling vile from her own children because she knew something deep inside of her was telling her "something is wrong here." She couldn't put her finger on it and you guys kept making her feel crazy. You gaslighted your mom in order for her to "move on". You held secrets to her life, and you tried to make her believe it was her fault. How long has your conscience been eating you? How long have your stood in the mirror growing older by the minute because you were part of destroying your mother? You don't like what I write ... I suggest you keep reading.
Last edited by PrayIncessantly; 05/01/12 06:07 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240 |
Cyndy, if you were to stand up against OW, you should expect that your dad will choose her over you. Be prepared for that.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 44
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 44 |
So, what am I supposed to do? Having a relationship with him means I have to tolerate the wife. You know what, I don't even like her. I find her annoying and immature. Will that finally make you all happy?
How am I supporting the "affair marriage" Am I supposed to just cut him off and never speak to him again?
My children were already a part of his life. THey are 7 and 5. How the F am I supposed to explain it to them? How also am I supposed to explain to my daughter whose grandmother couldn't sit through her recital because she had an anxiety attack over "the music". I had to LIE to my 7 year about that. This five years after a hospital visit, many anxiety attacks and all-out refusal to find a healthy way to deal with her emotional stress. THAT is not normal.
What should I tell my kids? Over and over, I don't feel comfortable leaving her with my children. I see the stress in her face. It feels terrible because, you know what, she IS a great mother and a great, smart person. I just see a person who is lost in the stress of this hell of a situation for over 10 years.
It is freakin' awful writing that. I already didn't know many of my maternal grandparents due to a family rift. I'm not doing that to my children. THough, I'm sorry, I feel like Mulan needs to get healthy. If she is in a "bloodbath", don't you think some counsel from a professional is in order?
I fully admit that I'm already on medication for anxiety and depression. I has likely saved my marriage and and made me a better mother. I just knew that suffering alone in the feelings was not working for me. I didn't have healthy relationships or thoughts about anyone.
I just feel the same for Mulan. It HURTS to write that.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
1,097
guests, and
63
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
