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It can be state dependent but in general, you need to file for legal separation or divorce (open your family court case), and then file papers to establish custody/visitation. It will be an order under the 'umbrella' of your original family court case (the foundation of which is the separation/divorce filing). You both have equal rights at this time and sharing 50% until now (I assume 2 on/2 off is your 50%) is in your favor.

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
I know most of you are not out of bed much less online yet, but I'm not sure where to go from here. Do I take my lawyers advice and change the door locks and withdraw any money in joint accounts or just keep on the way I have been?

Yes! Get legal protection. Keep up with your Plan A but protect yourself legally.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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So should I counter file with the stipulations I told her would happen?

Or just sit on her paperwork for a while?

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
So should I counter file with the stipulations I told her would happen?

Or just sit on her paperwork for a while?

Be sure and counter file so you are legally protected.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Ok. That's what I needed to know. I will counter with the terms that I told her and the OM would be if this came to divorce right?

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I'm reading (again) portions of Surviving An Affair in regards to Plan A. How do I go about getting more time to implement? I guess nothing can be finalized until I agree to sign something though, so I guess I just counter file and then sit on things while I implement Plan A?.

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
I'm reading (again) portions of Surviving An Affair in regards to Plan A. How do I go about getting more time to implement? I guess nothing can be finalized until I agree to sign something though, so I guess I just counter file and then sit on things while I implement Plan A?

Do you mean more time with your WW to implement Plan A? You mean like asking her out on dates?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Basically, yes. If I don't stall the divorce then I won't have a chance to implement Plan A. Does that make more sense?

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
I'm reading (again) portions of Surviving An Affair in regards to Plan A. How do I go about getting more time to implement? I guess nothing can be finalized until I agree to sign something though, so I guess I just counter file and then sit on things while I implement Plan A?.

You got it! Just countersue and then drag it out. Chances are that the affair won't last long and you can drop the divorce. But this way you are protected legally and if she doesn't change, then you will be divorced.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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She's already worried(I think) that I have a lawyer already. She's gonna be ticked off when she gets the papers showing that I am filing for full custody and that the POSOM will not be around my kids, etc. Just as I told her and him.

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I don't think she was expecting me to lawyer up and counter file. I feel like she expected me to roll over and accept her terms in the filing.

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
I don't think she was expecting me to lawyer up and counter file. I feel like she expected me to roll over and accept her terms in the filing.

Yep, I agree!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Yes, you counter-file and discuss the following with your lawyer:
No paramour order
Right of first refusal

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I'll Google those terms tonight, but why those two specifically? I guess when I Google them I will know huh?

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I'll definitely ask about both. Since I will be asking for full custody I'm not sure the ROFR will apply will it?

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Somehow I've missed this entire thread. Well, I'm caught up now and have a few pointers for you.

Don't assume anything about family law. Assume as a man that the deck is stacked against you. This doesn't mean you can't win custody, but it does mean that you have to play things smart.

99% of the family law situation is a mind game. You will counter file and request sole physical and legal custody. File on the grounds of abandonment since she left and request an order that leaves the kids in the marital home under your care.

Understand that you won't get any of what you ask for. It is done and filed for effect to put the fear of losing it all on the WW. Expect her to freak out when she sees official papers filed to the court where you are asking for it all and alleging that she abandoned the family.

File on grounds of adultery. If adultery isn't an option, then file on grounds of mental cruelty.

Go out and get a book called Father's Rights and another one called Custody for Fathers. Thousands of dollars of legal advice is in those books.

Understand that the court system sees cases like yours all day long every day. Nothing about your case is unique or special. She cheated, you guys didn't work out, etc, etc. The court doesn't care. Unless you have solid evidence that she's a crack whore that has sex in front of the children with OM, then you won't get sole custody and stand the chance of getting only partial custody if you don't play things right.

Family court isn't about convincing the court that she is a terrible parent so much as it is about showing the court that you're a good dad.

There is a conflict between Plan B and court proceedings. It is difficult to execute and I believe that SH advises for the BS to do Plan A during legal battles. I could be wrong on that.

I think it is very tough to save a marriage when a WW leaves to pursue her relationship with OM. I've rarely seen it happen here with the outcome generally being D when the affair is pretty entrenched.

The best approach for you is to take the attitude that the marriage is dead because it is. If you recover your marriage, it will be a new one that doesn't resemble your current one at all.

Look for a thread by mortarman. He fought a custody battle and generally won the legal fight, but also regained his marriage when the WW saw that she really was going to lose it all.

Best of luck. Assume nothing about family law. You can get custody as a dad. Don't let her move away with the kids.

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I don't think I have to tell everyone how tough it is to stay motivated. This morning I was taking my girls to school and the WW drives by and doesn't even acknowledge that I was there. I know she saw me because she was right behind me and then passed me. I also know that this is "normal" behavior for her right...I guess. It's just tough that my wife doesn't even want to acknowledge me. Hard to believe that she hates me that bad.

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On another note, I have been thinking about some of the things she's been saying and thought I'd post to see what everyone thought about something.

So I know she's had and is possibly still having an affair with the OM. Well, I've been wondering if by chance the affair with him is actually over and she is "having an affair" with the idea of being single again, will the MB plans still work in that kind of situation?

I spoke to her sister yesterday and she said that she didn't believe that WW was still seeing the OM. She said that when WW didn't have the kids she would come home, eat, do some classwork and then go to bed. When she had the kids she was busy with them.

Now, I have been proven wrong many times on this forum so I don't take much stock in what the sister believes because I didn't believe the WW would ever have an affair in the first place. But talking to her made me start wondering that IF the affair with the OM is over and IF she could just be "having and affair" so to speak with the idea of being single/carefree/etc.

I know I tend to over analyze things but was just wondering what everyone thought.

I know I post A LOT on here and I appreciate everyone's patience and replies. This forum has been the best resource for support, information and guidance that I could have.

I don't know if I have said this to everyone but thank you for everything. I hope my situation works out in the end. If it does it will be because of all of you who have been there to provide support and guidance. Thanks to everyone.

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It takes much more than the draw of the single life to get a woman to abandon her marriage and family. It takes a powerful addiction that comes from an affair. I don't believe for a minute the affair is over.

Your wife doesn't want anyone to know about the affair so it either has gone further underground [a very easy feat] and/or has likely backed off for now so you don't have ammo in the divorce.

I assure you the affair is ongoing.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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And you are very welcome for the help, my friend! I hope and pray this works out. There is always hope.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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