Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 25 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 24 25
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 219
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 219
Originally Posted by JenniferVoyager
I'm trying to understand a bit about your situation. You said your H moved back to your home town with your child...how far away is that? Do you have family you could live with there? What are you doing in order to provide for your daughter and have a relationship with her? Could you just leave your job, go back to the hometown, and with family help rebuild there? You have already sold your home, correct? It seems like staying where you are it is going to be very difficult to show your H you are repentant and (more important to me in some ways, at this point since you've doubly betrayed and he may not be interested), to have a strong, mature relationship with your daughter, even if she is not in your custody.

Hi JenniferVoyager,

Thanks for your questions. Home town is over the water in the top of the south island (NZ), we were living in the bottom of the north island. It's either a 4.5hr trip via boat and car or a 25-40min flight. Both sets of parents live in our hometown. Until our house sold (3 weeks ago) I was staying in that and commuting back to hometown every weekend. My current work arranagement is that i'm allowed to work remotely 1 day a week. So i usually fly down on thursday night and back on sunday night. I have my daughter for the 3 nights i'm here so not quite half time.
I have just rented a house back in my hometown now that the house is sold. I'm afraid lliving with my parents was not a possibility for my sanity (and theirs). They are quite a bit older and get exhausted by my darling daughter running around all the time! It's a small house and whilst they have been very supportive over the last 5 months I could not carry on there as they have some very bad values/ideas. (e.g. when they found our my husband declined the date their next 'helpful' suggestion was to 'find a man' - omgiddy i wanted to slap them).
So i needed to set up a base in my hometown which I can now consider home for my daughter and I. When i got back up north I am boarding with a family.
Financially it's not possible to just up and leave my job. With the money we got from the house i paid my half of the debts we had (we weren't very good with money as a couple). Because of the seperation there were other purchases i needed to make (laptop/bed for my daughter etc) and i'm paying approx $250 per week in flights. I earn a very decent salary but i'm living week to week :-(


Me: WW, 33
My BS: 30
Married: 11 years
1 x Child: Daughter, 3 years
D-Day: 10/8/2011
Fighting to save my marriage.
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 219
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 219
Originally Posted by NeverGuessed
BV, getting back to the apology letter(s), may I make a few suggestions, as the recipient of several of the most effective notes of this type I've ever heard of? (I kept them, and have just re-read them.)

Firstly, do NOT make it one massive, all-encompassing tome of regret. In your first note, which will cover the biggest item, you can casually reference the fact that this is the initial one of many. The reason is based on concepts related to Stalin's cynical observation that "One death is a tragedy; one million deaths is mere statistics." Your BH's mind will not focus on ten, twenty, thirty regrets from you in a single note. And you WANT him to focus on what's in your heart, as relayed through what's on the paper. So write (send) a letter a day for weeks, if necessary. Into each one dissect and expostulate on ONE element of your sorrow.

And here's the real key focus to maintain: You're not going to be as effective apologizing just for your actions, but for the impact on HIM. As an example, in one of her notes, my bride apologized for leading me to believe, through her actions, that she, and our children, were not grateful for the things I had done to provide for them, for a quarter-century; that I would forever regret devoting the time and toil to making their life enjoyable. (As a beneficial by-product, this BH-orientation virtually precludes any "justification" slips.)

Think about these, okay?

NeverGuessed,

Thank you so much! These are excellent tips and I love the idea of making the apology a kinda of ongoing expose of my regret. I have already written one note to him (about 3 weeks ago)... but it wasn't on the computer (hand written on the back of a photo) and do you think i can flippen remember everything i wrote! I prefer to handwrite this type of thing but perhaps i'll have to keep a photocopy (hmmm how to do this discreetly at work :P).

I guess my fear (one of many) is that upon receipt of the the first letter he will call/txt/email and tell me again to 'get over him' and stop sending him letters. And it's that fear of rejection thats stopped me sending anymore since the first one.


Me: WW, 33
My BS: 30
Married: 11 years
1 x Child: Daughter, 3 years
D-Day: 10/8/2011
Fighting to save my marriage.
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 219
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 219
Originally Posted by Mrs_Recon6mo
Originally Posted by BlackViolet
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by BlackViolet
And thanks, thats an excellent article, id read it before. Pity i didn't adhere strictly to it last year.

Which has put me in the unfortunate position of now not being able to give undivided attention, be honest etc.
Can you ask him out on dates? Take him lunch to his job? Take dinner to him and your DD?

I asked him out to dinner several weeks ago and he declined :-(

We have shared dinners together at his parents house with the family, but not just the 3 of us yet.

Ask him again and again and do not make the gap grow to several weeks. Call him daily, ask about how he is doing, what's his day been like. Make your calls to him about him. You have every right to call him, ask him, etc, you are still his wife.

You said his parents are also hoping for your reconsiliation, right? First, apologise to them as well and ask for their help to arrange a dinner for your family only.



Try to move closer to your family, I do not understand this arrangement.

I would encourage you to think about the conditions that led you to this affair, EP's are also designed to eliminate the opportunity to have a secret second life.
If you had an affair at your work, consider seriously to change your work environment to all-female environment.

As for FB account - since you do not have a joint account with your H, one way to show him you are serious about your EP's is to delete your own account entirely and not to visit this wall at all. You can still send him an apology and written list of EP's, there are many things you can do from the distance to show him you are serious, like this FB thing.

What you can do along with the list of EPs is to actually give him an access to your accounts and to information that has been hidden from him - passwords to emails (work, private); access to your banking account; initiate a polygraph; etc. Read HerPapaBear's thread carefully and think it over. There are a LOT you can actually do.

Hi Mrs Recon

Yes, his parents are wonderful. About 4-5 weeks ago I sat down with them and apologised for the pain i'd caused them in having to see what their son has gone through. And for being the cause of alot of anger within them. I have also started to do the same with his brothers and sisters - 2 done, 2 to go. I have apologised to all and asked for their prayer and support. This was crucial to me as they are so much MY family as well. His little brother (who is actually 18) basically grew up with me in his life as i met him when he was 5 years old!

As an EP I would consider quitting work completely if we were together and could afford to.

FB accounts... we both suspended our accounts for several months after we seperated. When he opened his again i guess i decided i would too.

He does not want access to any of my things anymore as that is what exhausted him in sept/oct last year... the constant checking. He says he has let me go. So as far as i know he would not be interested in checking those things - unless he wanted to try and reconcile. which then of course i would give him access to everything.



Me: WW, 33
My BS: 30
Married: 11 years
1 x Child: Daughter, 3 years
D-Day: 10/8/2011
Fighting to save my marriage.
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
How's your letter coming along?

Ready to post it here?

Part of his rejection that he may give you is part of the consequences to your affair.

Doing the right thing isn't always the popular or easy thing to do, or painless.

You're trying to change from a WW to a FWW. Earning that "F" is all on you my dear.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 219
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 219
ooooh how to you actually earn that "F" - was wondering that!

Nope not ready yet... will spend some time on it tonight. In between posting on here yesterday i thought i'd better do some actual work :P


Me: WW, 33
My BS: 30
Married: 11 years
1 x Child: Daughter, 3 years
D-Day: 10/8/2011
Fighting to save my marriage.
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,079
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,079
"ooooh how to you actually earn that "F" - was wondering that!"


*edit*

Last edited by MBSeasons; 05/04/12 06:23 AM. Reason: Personal attack
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
*edit*

Last edited by MBSeasons; 05/04/12 06:24 AM.

D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,079
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,079
*edit*

Last edited by MBSeasons; 05/04/12 06:26 AM.
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 219
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 219
Wowsers, Tom, and here i was thinking this was a decent website with Christians prepared to support people going through tough time. I'm really sorry you feel that way. I really hope that you stick around to see me prove you wrong.

Yes, my Husband made the right move, and i'm glad he did it. Trust me, I know what i was like back then and i'm glad he got out with my daughter to save them from further hurt at the time.

Smileys at the end of statements?? are you serious! it's a habit... sorry but i don't believe smileys are a sign of a level of sincerity.

I have one child, thanks for asking. And the pain and torment I have gone through being apart from her - well it goes without saying and any parent who's experienced this will know what i mean. I don't focus on that because my focus for being on this forum is to get some support and advice about my marriage.

Thanks


Me: WW, 33
My BS: 30
Married: 11 years
1 x Child: Daughter, 3 years
D-Day: 10/8/2011
Fighting to save my marriage.
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 550
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 550
Quote
FB accounts... we both suspended our accounts for several months after we seperated. When he opened his again i guess i decided i would too.

- lock it down again, it is no excuse

He does not want access to any of my things anymore as that is what exhausted him in sept/oct last year... the constant checking. He says he has let me go. So as far as i know he would not be interested in checking those things - unless he wanted to try and reconcile. which then of course i would give him access to everything.

- You will send him an email and attach this information anyway. You do not expect anything from him, but you will do whatever it takes to start being transparent and open. IF he chooses to reconcile then one thing you BOTH need to agree to is transparency. The point isn't right now if HE is willing to check on you, the point is that YOU are willing to GIVE him full access to everything and remain that way no matter what he does or doesn't with that information

Your actions are reactions to what he does or doesn't. You need to change it - you will have to start being proactive that affairs won't happen again in your life. You will have to wipe your side of the street and keep it clean, you do not wipe it only when he does something positive or make a mess out of it or do nothing when he does something negative. You do not do things for getting your BH's response, you will do things to create a new person with whom being around and married is SAFE.


Me, FWW: 43
Mr_Recon6mo, FWH: 44
DD20 and DS23
3 cats
Married 23 years, together 24
Divorcing

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
BV,

Do you have your apology letter yet?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 219
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 219
Originally Posted by Mrs_Recon6mo
Quote
FB accounts... we both suspended our accounts for several months after we seperated. When he opened his again i guess i decided i would too.

- lock it down again, it is no excuse

He does not want access to any of my things anymore as that is what exhausted him in sept/oct last year... the constant checking. He says he has let me go. So as far as i know he would not be interested in checking those things - unless he wanted to try and reconcile. which then of course i would give him access to everything.

- You will send him an email and attach this information anyway. You do not expect anything from him, but you will do whatever it takes to start being transparent and open. IF he chooses to reconcile then one thing you BOTH need to agree to is transparency. The point isn't right now if HE is willing to check on you, the point is that YOU are willing to GIVE him full access to everything and remain that way no matter what he does or doesn't with that information

Your actions are reactions to what he does or doesn't. You need to change it - you will have to start being proactive that affairs won't happen again in your life. You will have to wipe your side of the street and keep it clean, you do not wipe it only when he does something positive or make a mess out of it or do nothing when he does something negative. You do not do things for getting your BH's response, you will do things to create a new person with whom being around and married is SAFE.


Well said MrsRecon. Thanks.


Me: WW, 33
My BS: 30
Married: 11 years
1 x Child: Daughter, 3 years
D-Day: 10/8/2011
Fighting to save my marriage.
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 219
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 219
Here is my apology letter. I'm very nervous about posting this but welcome any suggestions.

Dear H
Firstly, thanks for reading this. I want to apologise in advance if this letter brings up emotions that you�ve dealt with. I understand that you�ve made significant gains in moving forward over the last few months and I do not want to undermine that. However there are some things that I need to say � perhaps partly as a grieving/mending process for myself � however mostly because I don�t feel that ive really apologised to you yet.

So�

I need to let you know how deeply sorry and regretful I am for being the cause of so much pain and anger in you over the last 10 months.
One of the things I am most sorry for at the moment is putting you through the betrayal a second time. I�m so very sorry that you went through that. It must have been incredibly painful to have been believing and hoping for our recovery, and then to have it thrown in your face again.

I will probably need to write some more over the next weeks and months as I work through more things in my own recovery from this. I know that you have let me go and would like me to do the same to you. I desperately want to respect your wishes - respecting you is above all my priority now � regardless of what happens in our future � however I cannot just let you go. Sorry.
I love you very much, and miss you all the time. I hope that one day you give me the chance to prove myself and treat you as you deserve to be treated. However, I do understand If you just can�t do this.

I will continue to pray every day for God to work a miracle in our lives and marriage.


Me: WW, 33
My BS: 30
Married: 11 years
1 x Child: Daughter, 3 years
D-Day: 10/8/2011
Fighting to save my marriage.
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 219
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 219
Btw - i had to go to the doctors this morning, inner ear infection with severe vertigo. I texted my H to let him know and he offered to drive me home (a 30min drive) because i shouldn't really be driving. It was actually a very nice drive, despite me feeling sick and dizzy the whole way, and we managed to just talk about general 'stuff'.

I guess i just hold onto these little things, like when he texts me first.



Me: WW, 33
My BS: 30
Married: 11 years
1 x Child: Daughter, 3 years
D-Day: 10/8/2011
Fighting to save my marriage.
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Originally Posted by BlackViolet
Btw - i had to go to the doctors this morning, inner ear infection with severe vertigo. I texted my H to let him know and he offered to drive me home (a 30min drive) because i shouldn't really be driving. It was actually a very nice drive, despite me feeling sick and dizzy the whole way, and we managed to just talk about general 'stuff'.

I guess i just hold onto these little things, like when he texts me first.
This is perfect ( other than being sick sorry about that) to have fun time with him and no affair talk.

Let me get back to you on your letter. Can you schedule more time with him?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Originally Posted by BlackViolet
Here is my apology letter. I'm very nervous about posting this but welcome any suggestions.

Dear H
Firstly, thanks for reading this. I want to apologise in advance if this letter brings up emotions that you�ve dealt with. I understand that you�ve made significant gains in moving forward over the last few months and I do not want to undermine that. However there are some things that I need to say � perhaps partly as a grieving/mending process for myself � however mostly because I don�t feel that ive really apologised to you yet.

So�

I need to let you know how deeply sorry and regretful I am for being the cause of so much pain and anger in you over the last 10 months.
One of the things I am most sorry for at the moment is putting you through the betrayal a second time. I�m so very sorry that you went through that. It must have been incredibly painful to have been believing and hoping for our recovery, and then to have it thrown in your face again.

I will probably need to write some more over the next weeks and months as I work through more things in my own recovery from this. I know that you have let me go and would like me to do the same to you. I desperately want to respect your wishes - respecting you is above all my priority now � regardless of what happens in our future � however I cannot just let you go. Sorry.
I love you very much, and miss you all the time. I hope that one day you give me the chance to prove myself and treat you as you deserve to be treated. However, I do understand If you just can�t do this.

I will continue to pray every day for God to work a miracle in our lives and marriage.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 119
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 119
If you have a concern about a poster, please notify the moderators.

Now let's stop discussing posters on their threads and get back to helping them with Marriage Builders!

Last edited by MBSeasons; 05/04/12 06:30 AM.

mbseasons@aol.com
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
As A BS, I hope to never receive a "apology" letter like this. THis is WAY too much about YOU. Here is a bit of my own edit, although I am not that great at it.
Originally Posted by BlackViolet
Here is my apology letter. I'm very nervous about posting this but welcome any suggestions.

Dear H
Firstly, thanks for reading this. I want to apologise in advance if this letter brings up emotions that you�ve dealt with. I understand that you�ve made significant gains in moving forward over the last few months and I do not want to undermine that. However there are some things that I need to say � perhaps partly as a grieving/mending process for myself � however mostly because I don�t feel that ive really apologised to you yet.

So�


I need to let you know how deeply sorry and regretful I am for being the cause of so much pain and anger in you over the last 10 months.
One of the things I am most sorry for at the moment is putting you through the betrayal a second time. I�m so very sorry that you went through that. It must have been incredibly painful to have been believing and hoping for our recovery, and then to have it thrown in your face again.

I will probably need to write some more over the next weeks and months as I work through more things in my own recovery from this. I know that you have let me go and would like me to do the same to you. I desperately want to respect your wishes - respecting you is above all my priority now � regardless of what happens in our future � however I cannot just let you go. Sorry.

I love you very much, and miss you all the time. I hope that one day you give me the chance to prove myself and treat you as you deserve to be treated. However, I do understand If you just can�t do this.

I will continue to pray every day for God to work a miracle in our lives and marriage.

That sounds much better to the ears(and eyes) of a betrayed.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
My thoughts.....

Quote
Dear H
Firstly, thanks for reading this. I want to apologise in advance if this letter brings up emotions that you�ve dealt with. 1

I understand that you�ve made significant gains in moving forward over the last few months and I do not want to undermine that. However there are some things that I need to say � perhaps partly as a grieving/mending process for myself � however mostly 2 because I don�t feel that ive really apologised to you yet.

So�

I need to let you know how deeply sorry and regretful I am for being the cause of so much pain and anger in you over the last 10 months.

One of the things I am most sorry for at the moment is putting you through the betrayal a second time. I�m so very sorry that you went through that. It must have been incredibly painful to have been believing and hoping for our recovery, and then to have it thrown in your face again.

I will probably need to write some more over the next weeks and months as I work through more things in my own recovery from this. 3 fully analyze the ways in which I hurt you and our family.

I know that you have let me go and would like me to do the same to you. I desperately want to respect your wishes - respecting you is above all my priority now � regardless of what happens in our future � however I cannot just let you go. Sorry. 4
I love you very much, and miss you all the time. I hope that one day you give me the chance to prove myself and treat you as you deserve to be treated, because I understand at last how much you deserve the best I have to give you. 5 However, I do understand If you just can�t do this. 6

I will continue to pray every day for God to work a miracle in our lives and marriage.

1 He might stop reading right there!

2, 3 It's not your issues that he's to be concerned with.

4 Remember - no stand-alone "Sorrys".

5 It can't ALL be about the "bad". You need to hold out some "good" - the introduction of the JC concept.

6 Off-message permission for him to ignore your letter. He knows his options. Force him to consider the ones you favor.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
There you go BV some great advice from two excellent posters.

One more thing I would add.

"I'm sorry for my affair. The affair is 100% my fault and I'm so sorry I betrayed you and didn't protect you like the vow and promise I took to you."


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Page 5 of 25 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 24 25

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 905 guests, and 53 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5