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A wayward will use the absence of your ring as justification for her affair. "BS thinks it is over too so therefore I am justified in having my affair."


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I really feel the same way about the ring. I AM married and I should be wearing it. the only reason I didn't those couple times is for the reaction.

Sorry I slipped up on that. I am putting it back on now.

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Good man!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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It was a subtle but interesting reaction this morning when I told her that I wasn't gonna wait forever but I wasn't gonna roll over and concede this marriage as easily as she might want me to because there is too much here and TOO MUCH BETWEEN US STILL, EVEN THOUGH SHE DOESN'T WANT TO ADMIT IT. Yes, I did say that. Hope it wasn't "out of line" from what I should have said. I just thought it fit the situation and her reactions.

Her reaction was quiet but telling I think. She didn't say anything but she teared up and lowered her head. I asked her to look at me (please) while I told her what I had to say.

I hope it made some sort of impact but I'm not gonna build myself up with false hope. I have come to realize with all of everyone's help that this is a long journey.

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That is the exact approach you should be taking. You did good! And when she is served with those papers next week, she will get a huge wake up call because she has been fantasizing about an easy divorce where you roll over. Getting those papers will be a huge wake up call, especially when you name OM in the papers.

Next steps should be to act as pleasantly as possible and work on bringing the affair out into the open. Have you figured out a way to spy on her?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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She seems like she is in such turmoil and pain right now I kind of feel sorry for her. It seems like most of the time here lately when I start to talk to her in any kind of serious way she gets teary-eyed and looks away.

Is that a sign of the fog changing in any way or am I just letting my imagination get the best of me....again?

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
She seems like she is in such turmoil and pain right now I kind of feel sorry for her. It seems like most of the time here lately when I start to talk to her in any kind of serious way she gets teary-eyed and looks away.

Is that a sign of the fog changing in any way or am I just letting my imagination get the best of me....again?

Oh, I am sure she is in great turmoil and is having second thoughts now because you are not rolling over. She is addicted to the OM and has left you to pursue her affair. But there are so many problems making that plan a reality that she is in great turmoil. We just need for her to see you as a great option.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I really haven't figured out a way to spy more yet. I'm still working on that. I kinda think she knows better than to try to meet him somewhere because I really think she still thinks I'm watching her. She still thinks I put the gps on her truck before she traded it even though I told her I didn't.

With all that said, I'm still trying to find a way to do some snooping anyway.

I'm kind of afraid to try the sneaking over to her sister's house to place the gps because there is AMPLE opportunity to get caught.

I really wish I could find a gps that didn't have to be recharged but didn't have to be hardwired (which I know is stupid to even say).

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
I'm kind of afraid to try the sneaking over to her sister's house to place the gps because there is AMPLE opportunity to get caught.

Ask a friend to do this for you.
You wait in a parked car.

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I do have that book as well as HNHN, Fall in Love Stay in Love and Love Busters. Already read Surviving Affair but am re-reading it.

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
I do have that book as well as HNHN, Fall in Love Stay in Love and Love Busters. Already read Surviving Affair but am re-reading it.

I would leave Surviving an Affair lying around for her to see. She might pick it up.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Judging from some of her reactions so far, I think she will be/act more hurt than mad when she gets the paperwork from my lawyer this week. I can handle her anger but it'll be tough to see her hurt and crying.

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Some days are more difficult than others. I start thinking about some of the things she has said, her behavior toward me and the things that she has done and it gets very discouraging.

She acts like she actually hates me. Me. The person that she fell in love with and had kids with. Like she doesn't even care if I exist on this planet at times.

She seems to only care about herself right now. Sometimes she doesn't even seem to care if she's with her babies or not. That sounds harsh but sometimes I honestly believe that if she were to admit the REAL truth to herself, she has only one person on her mind right now and that's HER.

She actually said to me about a week ago that she was trying to figure out what made HER happy and what SHE wanted out of life. Now how much more self-center can you be? I understand that we need to be happy with ourselves in life but she has appeared to take it to a new level.

I really hope the affair is what's causing all this behavior because if it is, that's more than likely repairable. If it's not the affair, I don't know if this will be repairable or not.

What I am piecing together is that she has taken several things that were worth money. She withdrew the money from our joint account that was to be used for our kids' school, she took her engagement ring which is worth several thousand dollars, she basically used me to get her new car which she wouldn't have gotten without me (I normally don't say things like that because I don't do things for her or others and expect something in return nor would I ever throw it up in their face), and a couple other smaller things.

I understand the money is significant to help her out while we're separated but is that typical behavior of waywards?

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Have you cut off her access to your money? And everything you described is classic affair behavior. She is addicted to the OM. The affair is still on, I assure you. What you can do is take her off all bank accounts and credit cards.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I have removed access to any joint accounts.

I continue to try to make sense of her behavior but I know I can't because it can't be explained logically. It is what it is right now.

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Her behavior makes sense when you accept that this is an addiction.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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She's pretty normal in terms of a WW. I would stand firm about your son.

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Is it possible that she had the affair with the POSOM and maybe he ran for the hills when it was exposed but now she is "addicted" to the idea of the possibility of finding another man besides the POSOM? You know, kind of addicted to the idea of someone different than me?

OR

Is it more likely that she has started contact back up with him telling him the we are divorcing and that they can now be together?

Is is common/normal for the WS to stick with the OP that they had the actual affair with rather than latch onto the "idea" of any OP other than their BS?

Stupid hypothetical question I know. I am just wondering what the possibilities are that I might be battling here. I'm gonna get the lawyers to contact the POSOM in some fashion but I want to be sure to get them to put something in the papers that show her that absolutely NO OP will be tolerated. I don't know if that's even possible to put in the papers.

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Sorry I keep asking these questions. I guess I'm just searching for answers to something I can't make myself believe or whatever.

I do get it that she is addicted. I guess it's just hard for me to accept or completely understand because I hae never had an addiction to anything. It's hard for me to grasp that something can be so strong that a person would be willing to leave their marriage, home, life and babies.

I believe y'all when you tell me that she is addicted to the OM or at least to the fantasy of the OM. I am just trying my best to understand how someone cannot see what they are doing and how messed up it is.

Please dont think I'm doubting the answers or advice on here. Just trying to understand something that I may never be able to understand.

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Have you ever known an alcoholic or someone else who is an addict?

Read some AA literature and it will be an eye opener for you.

Originally Posted by Dr. Harley
It's similar to the feelings an alcoholic has when he makes a commitment never to drink again. It's also similar to the grief that comes from the loss of a loved one. A lover is like alcohol and like a loved one. Not only do unfaithful spouses miss what it was their lovers did, meeting important emotional needs,but they also miss the person they had come to love.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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