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I should say that even with temp sole custody she will still be able to see the kids. I wouldnt keep them from their mother.

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
I should say that even with temp sole custody she will still be able to see the kids. I wouldnt keep them from their mother.

Of course not. What I'm saying is it can do a number on a mother not having primary custody of her children. Since we live in a society that still favors mothers somewhat that there are questions/stigmas in peoples minds.

Like "I wonder what's wrong with her to not have primary custody of her kids"
It also says "wow what a dad to fight for primary custody and to have won".

You know what I mean? KWIM?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I do know what you mean and I agree.

Thats what I have to do. I know that now. Thank you.

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The truths in a situiation like this are hard to admit, say and hear much less to do.

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
The truths in a situiation like this are hard to admit, say and hear much less to do.

I know, my friend. We've all been there and it doesn't feel good.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I know one thing for sure though...my kids mean the world to me.

Edit: and if people have to be made mad or get their feelings hurt for me to make sure they are taken care of then so be it.

Last edited by looking_for_help; 05/09/12 05:25 AM.
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She is trying everything in her power to make me angry.

She just called to ask something about the kids like she always does. She uses that as an excuse to call or text me and then she throws something else in there.

So she calls and asks me an irrelevant question about the kids and then goes into why she really called. She tried to dig around and find out what I was doing yesterday evening. Why does she care? This is crazy. So I didn't elaborate on anything.

She then asks me if I wanted to sell the house? WTH???!!! We have not even seen both lawyers yet and she's trying to sell the house? I told her that I did not want to sell the house and why was she even telling people that it was for sale. She said she didn't, her sister was asked by someone if we were selling.

She is completely off her reality rocker!

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And she is so hateful when she talks to me. Hard to swallow when she's like that.

I have never known anyone with an addiction. That's why it's so hard for me to understand her behavior. I have always been the type of person that believes if you have enough willpower then you cannot become susceptible to anything that you don't choose to.

I do believe people have different levels of willpower and that we are all wired differently. I have always maintained that an affair is something that a person chooses to do. I have never believed that it can happen "by accident" so to speak. I'm not trying to offend anyone on here that has become victim to an affair but I'm having a very difficult time understanding addiction.

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I know this sounds crazy but I think it's starting to work and I havent even filed anything yet. On the road right now. Will tell more later.

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
I know this sounds crazy but I think it's starting to work and I havent even filed anything yet. On the road right now. Will tell more later.
Stay strong, my friend.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Will do. I wish I had "audio forum" or something. There's so much to type.

I went to meet with my lawyer this afternoon. We (lawyer and I) were talking and guess what happens.....my phone rings. I know, big surprise huh? It's the WW. I don't answer because of obvious reasons. She has a knack of calling when I'm in meetings. So she calls 4 more times and texts twice and finally leaves a voicemail. All the voicemail says is basically the same thing the text says..."We need to find some way to communicate about the girls if you aren't gonna answer your phone." What's that you ask? What was the 4 phone call and 2 text emergency about the kids? Don't know. She didn't leave the info in the VM.

So I call her back to be sure all is ok. She's at the house...inside. Says she's looking for the baby thermometer. I calmly tell her that she doesn't need to be at the house per the lawyer. That she needs to get the thermometer and nothing else. Long story short she goes off about calling her lawyer and getting the police involved if needed to get her stuff.

Anyway...that wasn't the good part. I won't type all of it because y'all will get tired of reading. Basically I find out that I think she only filed because she was afraid I was going to after what I told her the other day about following through with what I promised I would do. She thought I had already gone to a lawyer so she said she needed to protect herself. Well that is true...she definitely needs to protect herself, but she needs to protect herself from herself because she contradicts herself more often than anyone I know.

So we talk for about 30 minutes about what I did and didn't do for her and how a person can only "try" for so long and then gives up. I tell her several times that all she has to do is tell me that she wants to work on repairing/rebuilding our marriage and we will start on it today, but until she says she wants to commit to working on things I will continue to carry out what I promised her I would do.

She said something about the lawyers and I calmly say "so we went from talking about repairing our marriage to talking about involving lawyers again huh" and she said "no, blah blah blah". I actually took that as encouraging. She slipped up and let her guard down that there is a part of her that isn't sure that she wants a divorce.

So she says she has to go because the baby is crying. She tells me that she will call me back later tonight "if that's what I want". I just said "alright" and we hung up.

There was so many little things in that conversation that hinted at the fact that she is having some MAJOR second thoughts. She even brought up that I have not been home much at all lately (not true) and that I have gotten off work early every day lately (not true). She also asked me who the new girl was??? Really??? Again???

She is so unsure of her decisions right now. I feel like she will call back or come over here this evening. I have committed myself to not getting upset and staying calm. I know I can let my emotions lead me astray in this situation when it comes to her, but I really feel like she may be trying to work her way out of the fog. If she didn't or wasn't interested in me and really did want the divorce I don't believe she would be talking about some of the things she's talking about or trying to get me to talk about things...like what she....

So forget about what I said...she's still being a WW!!!

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So I misread that I guess. She called back and by the end of the conversation she basically said that there is not much else to say because it won't make any difference anyway.

One minute she says she doesn't want to talk about divorce and the next breath she says there's nothing else to say because we're not getting anywhere.

Don't know how much more I can stand.

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In all of our conversations the past few days or week she has hinted ever so slightly that there are still thoughts/indecisions that she is trying to work through. The thing that knocks me off track is that we will have these conversations and they will go from confrontational to heart-breaking to "well we're not getting anywhere and I'm still unhappy".

Can anyone give me any clue as to whether these are any of the signs of changes in the fog?

I am getting the feeling that she is hurt and mad at the same time, but I can't figure out whether it's at me, herself or both.

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
In all of our conversations the past few days or week she has hinted ever so slightly that there are still thoughts/indecisions that she is trying to work through. The thing that knocks me off track is that we will have these conversations and they will go from confrontational to heart-breaking to "well we're not getting anywhere and I'm still unhappy".

Can anyone give me any clue as to whether these are any of the signs of changes in the fog?

I am getting the feeling that she is hurt and mad at the same time, but I can't figure out whether it's at me, herself or both.

Read this it might help understand IF a WW might be coming out of it.

Actions are what will tell you. WW's are very manipulative.
A recovery Guide for WW


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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To me she is vacillating back and forth.

She Might be struggling, but I think she's still foggy.

Continue to protect yourself and maintain your boundaries.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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My lawyer is telling me to change the door locks but I know that's gonna upset her and make her mad at me again. I feel like every time I do something that makes her mad it will push her further away and set back any progress that has been made.

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
My lawyer is telling me to change the door locks but I know that's gonna upset her and make her mad at me again. I feel like every time I do something that makes her mad it will push her further away and set back any progress that has been made.
Wasn't she mad when you were Mr. Not Upset her guy also?

Maintain your boundaries but pleasant but not a doormat.

Why change the locks?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Did you file for divorce? I am unclear about what you did at the lawyers. And while I would continue to be as pleasant as possible I would continue to avoid the appearance of being at het beck and call. If she is allowed to bully you, she will hate you for that. So I would continue to be firm and show her that you have boundaries now.

I don't see any valid reason to change the locks, do you?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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ML,
The lawyer's point for changing the locks is to keep her from having the opportunity to come into the house and "plant" anything that could hurt my chances of custody.

I don't think she would do anything like that because we are still being civil. I don't want to change the locks but I also don't want to take any chances with my kids.

At the lawyers office, we "acknowledged" that I had received her paperwork and have started my own counter filing paperwork. From this point I have a few weeks before I legally have to have my paperwork completed and filed. I am filing though, so don't think I have gone soft again. I am not allowing her to bully/control my actions any longer.

She know's that I'm counter filing and she is very upset about it. She doesn't know that I haven't as of yesterday. I'm working on the necessary paperwork and will be getting back to my lawyer as soon as I have it complete.

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She keeps telling me that some of the things that I have said to her throughout this time have hurt her and she don't think she will be able to move past them.

I continue to tell her that anger and hurt feelings can all be mended and forgiven by working on the marriage and rebuilding the love we have for each other. I also continue to tell her that there is a way to do that and all she has to do is tell me that she wants to begin working on it.

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