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BrainHurts,

I just want to say I appreciate the link to that post. It is absolutely UNCANNY how that parallels her behavior right now.

Edit: I honestly wish I could let/get her to read it. I know I shouldn't do anything like that right now but at some point I wish she could read it.

Last edited by looking_for_help; 05/10/12 07:47 AM.
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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
BrainHurts,

I just want to say I appreciate the link to that post. It is absolutely UNCANNY how that parallels her behavior right now.

Edit: I honestly wish I could let/get her to read it. I know I shouldn't do anything like that right now but at some point I wish she could read it.

If she chooses recovery then hopefully she will be on board with MB and then she could.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I hope she does get to read it, because the more I read the closer my jaw got to the floor because it is describing her to a T.

She is talking about the emotional neglect that she has "endured" for years and that she tried to tell me (indirectly) and that she feels like she doesn't know if things could ever be repaired or whatever.
She says she has been hurting for so long that a person can only take that for so long before they just give up, etc, etc. That article is her story exactly. I just wish she could read it or talk to someone who has experienced the same things she is experiencing. It doesn't resonate with her when I try to explain it to her.

In time maybe...in time.

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Listen to this radio clips of a FWW and her FBH. It's excellent and will give you some insight.
Radio clip of FWW and her FBH in a recovered Marriage
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4

They both did the MB plan.

Tell me what you think.





FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Lfh, did you let her know that you would be willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness? You are giving her the impression that you will take her back under ANY conditions and that is the wrong message to send. You should be a broken record telli g her that you would be willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness and come back UNDER CERTAIN CONDITIONS.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Mel,

I have not said that to her. I didn't know if it was time or not. All the conversations have been in regards to her issues with the emotional neglect she has experienced and indecision about her feelings. No talk has been brought up about the affair and I didn't want to bring it up right now for fear of pushing her further away.

Now, don't misunderstand me in thinking that I'm pushing it under the rug because I am never going to do that. I have kept it in mind that we were going to deal with it but I didn't know when to do that. I have been afraid that in her turmoil right now that I shouldn't bring it up.

She has been pretty straight forward in openly (seemingly) voicing that she has not seen nor talked to the OM during the separation. Now, I WANT to believe that but I don't right now. I still have trust issues.

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What ARE your conditions? You do have them, correct?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I don't have everything. I know the following:

1. Complete transparency
2. Full open and honest communication

I know that's not much of a list but I haven't thought too much about it yet. I'm still trying to get her to agree to work on things so I haven't tried to work on that list. What are some suggestions?

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
I don't have everything. I know the following:

1. Complete transparency
2. Full open and honest communication

I know that's not much of a list but I haven't thought too much about it yet. I'm still trying to get her to agree to work on things so I haven't tried to work on that list. What are some suggestions?

Write a NC letter.
Put EP's in place.
No nights apart.
No opposite sex friendships.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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She has to choose recovery first though right? She's not gonna agree to a NC if she's still in the fog will she?

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
She has to choose recovery first though right? She's not gonna agree to a NC if she's still in the fog will she?

Read this.
Coping with Infidelity:The End How Affairs should End



FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I just finished listening to those radio clips and they were great! How in the world do I get her to listen to me or understand some of the things that will help her deal with her part of what we are going through?

I feel like there is so much information here on this forum that if she knew some of it, she would be able to deal with things so much better and the information would also be able to help her so much. How do I get the information that I learn here to her in a way that she doesn't feel like I am trying to "manipulate" her.

That is her word by the way. She has accused me a couple times of trying to manipulate her.

I feel like she is teetering on top of that fence and every time I feel her leaning my way, something comes up that pulls her back the other way.

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She has been and still is very adamant that the emotional neglect that she endured is the cause of our situation. This goes directly along with the forum post you sent me.

Is all this something that she has to come to understand on her own?

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Remind me again. After your exposure did no one put pressure on her?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Not really. Everyone either acted like they didn't want to get "involved" in our problems or they said "well you know her. Once she gets something in her head no one can tell her any different".

So, no, I really have not had any support that I know of. She doesn't talk to anyone about what's going on. Not even her sister whom she has always talked to about stuff. She's keeping everything bottled up and dealing with it on her own.

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Since she isn't living at home how are you verifying NC?

Did you tell her about MB? Did you ever put that GPS on her car?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I have no way to verify NC.

I haven't told her anything about MB.

No, I didn't put the GPS on her car. I spoke with a PI and he said that her particular car is (coincidentally) one of the few cars that don't have a very good place to put a GPS. He said that he has only been successful placing it inside the car. I trust him because he is a retired GBI agent and has been doing that for years.

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Being separated makes some of the things I need to do very difficult.

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The lawyer's point for changing the locks is to keep her from having the opportunity to come into the house and "plant" anything that could hurt my chances of custody.

Leave the locks alone. Secretly install a few cameras recording entrance to your house. If/when she sneaks in without alerting you, call the police.

Stop being "civil", if civil is defined as open to her treachery.

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
Mel,

I have not said that to her. I didn't know if it was time or not. All the conversations have been in regards to her issues with the emotional neglect she has experienced and indecision about her feelings. No talk has been brought up about the affair and I didn't want to bring it up right now for fear of pushing her further away.

This is what I suspected and this is a big mistake. You are giving her the impression that you have no conditions and you are allowing her to blame you for the affair. She is in charge right now and that is a bad thing.

It really is so ridiculous to say that saying this will "push her away." You do realize she has left you, right? So appeasement tactics are pushing her away. She will be attracted by a show of strength, not by acting the doormat who listens to her nonsense grievances.

You need to change the subject and stop allowing a wayward to lead the show here. Take back control. Tell her that you are not going to take her back unless she makes some serious changes. Let her know you will be willing to give her that opportunity.

She will be SHOCKED when you say that. She might even get mad at first. But she will come back with a new attitude very soon because you will have made yourself more attractive by raising your price.

And yes, she is still in touch with the OM. The affair is still on. It is very underground but I suspect she is in great turmoil because it is dawning on her that there is no future in her affair.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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