Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 34 of 59 1 2 32 33 34 35 36 58 59
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
If anyone IS on tonight,

Does this info change the way I should proceed?

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by looking_for_help
If anyone IS on tonight,

Does this info change the way I should proceed?

Nope!

And I want to add that you are not taking this worse than others, my friend! This is the worst thing that can happen to a person! We all know your pain and sympathize with you.

Did you consider getting on anti-depressants?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
I appreciate the sympathy as well as all the "beatings" that I have received. I have needed both.

I have thought about the meds but haven't decided to do that just yet. For one, I wasn't sure if being diagnosed as being depressed would affect custody if it comes to that.

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
I'm here, LFH, although you know you're not likely to get any "warm kittens" from here.

The likely best thing that your letter will do is say to WW, if she has any power of self-examination at all, is:

WW, I know you're cheating on me. I'm not going to look past your heinous acts just to maintain a shell of a marital status. Your call, WW. Shape up or I'll end it.

And btw, my friend, it would be much more in YOUR self-interest if you stopped marveling at the WS fog, and more intently peered through the BS fog. You have wasted a month, maybe, getting to a point of insight to which we were giving you visibility as you began. It would be helpful to your situation going forward if you can fully absorb the fact that you and she, (in her current state) are ENEMIES.

Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
NeverGuessed,

I appreciate your honesty and your view on this. You have a very good point in saying the her and I are enemies right now because that's the way our relationship (if you can call it that) behaves. She is definitely NOT the person I have known the past 12 years and she is making ME behave unlike myself in the meantime.

I know I have been VERY reluctant to follow all the instructions given on this forum as I should have. As I told MelodyLane in an earlier post, it has been a little difficult for me to basically turn over the decisions that are to guide my marriage in this situation to strangers on the Internet.

Now, in that same breath, I have to say that I have paid attention to the times that the information on the forum has been correct. The reason I continue to be slightly reluctant is because even though I know y'all know best when it comes to marriage and affairs, I guess I feel like I still have some reluctance. For that I have no justification.

I guess it boils down to the fact that I don't know if I'm ready to admit that this might not be salvageable.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by looking_for_help
I guess it boils down to the fact that I don't know if I'm ready to admit that this might not be salvageable.

And you shouldn't be ready admit that, because it is salvagable. Just because your wife is your enemy today, does not mean she will be tomorrow. The things I am telling you to do are with the goal of reconciliation. There is still a chance here.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
p.s. but you should send her the message that unless she changes you will end it. There will be nothing to save unless she does. NG is not telling you to dump her, he is just stating the true fact that unless she changes this is hopeless. But you are willing to give her that chance. That is what your letter tells her.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
Mel,

I believe that...I really do. I know I get pretty discouraged A LOT, but I usually come back to my senses and look at what's happening. I then tell myself that she can't really be serious about walking away from everything we have built and that she's only doing this because she has been taken over by some addictive alien force.

I am waiting on the day when that force leaves her a returns the woman I know, but am also trying to be ready as I can if the force doesn't leave her and we part ways. That's hard to maintain sometimes though.

I'm getting ready to send the letter. I really hope she doesn't respond to it like I think she will. Although I am trying to keep in mind that I knew how my wife would react and I don't really know how the WW will react. We'll see I guess. I got nothing to lose right now anyway.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by looking_for_help
I'm getting ready to send the letter. I really hope she doesn't respond to it like I think she will. Although I am trying to keep in mind that I knew how my wife would react and I don't really know how the WW will react. We'll see I guess. I got nothing to lose right now anyway.

She will be angry that you have the nads to stand up to her! And then she will come back in a couple of days sweet as a kitten with some new respect for you. You will really get her attention with that email! laugh


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,156
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,156
lfh, I'm not going to go into one of my well documented man rants right now, but I do want you to ask yourself one thing:

Why did you choose the username you did? You asked for help and your getting some help, from some of the best I might add.

Grow a pair and get your [censored] in gear!

She will respect you for it. Maybe not immediately, but eventually. In her eyes you're nothing but a wuss to her. Show her differently.

Get to work.


Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson


Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
TigerWes,

I'm afraid you're probably right. All these years I thought I was being a thoughtful compassionate husband.

Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
I sent the letter via email at 10:22pm.

I'll let y'all know when/if I hear back from her.

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
Whatever her response - do not answer. Not tonight anyway. Turn off your phone, shut down your e-mail account. Let her stew.

Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,156
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,156
Thoughtfulness and compassion are fantastic qualities in a man as long as they are coupled with strength and boundaries. You've shown the first two, but the second two...not one damned bit!

And I swear on my father's grave if you use the words I'm afraid again I'm gonna climb through this monitor and [censored] slap you out of your complacency.

Get to work! Quit analyzing and man up!


Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson


Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
TigerWes,

I appreciate the offer to B-slap me. I need it quite a bit lately.

That actually made me chuckle out loud.

NeverGuessed,

I had no plans on speaking with her in any form tonight. I will honestly surprised if she doesn't read it and laugh about it. That's the frame of mind she's in right now. I could be wrong.

Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
Ok y'all. I think I'm going to try to get some sleep. Tomorrow may be an interesting day. I will be online sometime after church tomorrow.

Thanks again to everyone for the advice, honesty, 2x4's and B-slaps.

Have a good night everyone.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Night, buddy!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
No response or reaction as of yet.

She very likely might find my posts. Will that be an issue of any kind?

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,351
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,351
Likes: 3
Originally Posted by looking_for_help
No response or reaction as of yet.

She very likely might find my posts. Will that be an issue of any kind?

Your posts here?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
If you are referring to the response, not to my posts here. To my letter.

If you are referring to her finding my posts here, yes. I didn't know if she found them if it would cause any issues with the plan.

I don't know if she's read the email yet though.

Page 34 of 59 1 2 32 33 34 35 36 58 59

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 24 guests, and 59 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna
71,737 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,811
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5