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yes, I have the book. I think I need to read it again. I don't want a divorce I just feel that my whole future is out of my control and it sucks. I don't know if this is so fresh that I am seeking a quick resolution (which I do know is impossible) I just want to fast forward a few months and look at where we will be at. It is hard to endure when I feel like the only one in the fight for our marriage right now.

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Originally Posted by n76
yes, I have the book. I think I need to read it again. I don't want a divorce I just feel that my whole future is out of my control and it sucks. I don't know if this is so fresh that I am seeking a quick resolution (which I do know is impossible) I just want to fast forward a few months and look at where we will be at. It is hard to endure when I feel like the only one in the fight for our marriage right now.
Do you remember John and Sue?

The things she did to John? She moved out and moved in with OM and didn't move back until OM dumped her and the affair died a natural death. In the mean time John had to go into Plan B.

She didn't apologize when she moved back in with John. John had to go into Plan B. They are recovered now in a very loving marriage.

I know it's hard. Have you been to the doctor to get some AD's? How are you sleeping? Eating? Exercising? How's your support system IRL?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I am on AD, sleep is getting better and appetite has come back. I need to exersize to improve my mental state, right now I am at the point my dr. is teling me DO NOT loose any more weight. I have alot of good christian freinds and family that are praying for us and being supportive. The support is not very good for her right now, she has lost almost all her freinds and family thru this. I am trying to do anything I can to help and support her and build the love bank balance but right now the teller window is closed for my deposits. I pray with time and seperation from the OM her eyes will be opened to what she truely has in front of her. I will definetly reread the John and sue story tonight

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Originally Posted by n76
No we can't move right now I am sorry to say

n76. In that case you are going to have to run that loser out of town. Expose the continued contact to anyone that has any influence on your WW AND the OM. Since he is your ex friend, you must know many people who would have influence on OM.

Ask for their support to save your family and keep OM away from your WW.

Also make sure to let OM BW know that OM is STILL trying to break up your family. It sounds like BW will have no problem letting people know what a scumbag he really is.

He seems very predatory and you need to start to fight for your family.

Are you sure that you can't move? Is a divorce easier than moving? Every time your WW runs into OM her feelings for him will be reignited. An affair is an addiction.

Originally Posted by Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

Don't be afraid of your WW's anger and never apologize for standing up for your marriage and family. Expect the anger and do not engage in it.



ME: BW
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DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

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What are your requirements to keep you (n76) in this marriage?


ME: BW
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DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

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My requirements if I understand the question correct are she can not have contact with him anymore in any way. I have a timeline in my mind that I believe is realistic, if she can't start to come around or show effort by then I think it is divorce time. I need to look out for me in all this to. I know that sounds selfish, but I am still young, have a great job and have a very easy financial life. I am willing to fight for this but I need to be realalistic and know that this may not work out. If it does'nt I have confidence in myself that I am a good guy, I have always treated my wife right, I have never been unfaithful in my marriage or dating years. I know at this point I need to be the best husband I can and show her I love her but ultimatly it is up to her to let her guard down and let me into her life again.

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poker face,

The bad part is that looser owns a business and I am sure he wont move. I have already knocked some of his customer base away due to my career and influnce I have in the community and local industry. I know his BW is bad mouthing him all over town but I guess he has it coming, you reep what you sow right?

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Originally Posted by n76
I don't want a divorce I just feel that my whole future is out of my control and it sucks. I don't know if this is so fresh that I am seeking a quick resolution (which I do know is impossible) I just want to fast forward a few months and look at where we will be at. It is hard to endure when I feel like the only one in the fight for our marriage right now

n76, we have all felt like that. i remember all too well being on that rollercoaster with someone else at the controls. it does suck. massively. you are normal feeling this way, so don't panic.

Originally Posted by n76
I have a timeline in my mind that I believe is realistic, if she can't start to come around or show effort by then I think it is divorce time. I need to look out for me in all this to. I know that sounds selfish, but I am still young, have a great job and have a very easy financial life. I am willing to fight for this but I need to be realalistic and know that this may not work out.

ok, you're probably not going to like this part. for a marriage to recover, BOTH parties need to be giving it their all. yes, it is incredibly unfair that the BS is the one to do all the giving in the beginning. it DOES change, if your WW is willing. she is not willing right now - we get that. no WS is willing at the beginning because they are in the grips of the obsession/fog. but if you keep demonstrating that you are 100% committed, and she goes NC, you will have a fighting chance. i'm not going to ask if you want that right now, because no BS really knows what they want in the first few months. it's all pain, pain, pain. but you're willingness to stay and fight for the M helps get your WW out of the fog and into your M. if you approach her with the "i'll do it, but only until X day, when i'm divorcing your @ss," you will not get a repentant spouse or a recovered M. you may *feel* that way, but you shouldn't express it. your feelings are going to change a lot over the coming months. sometimes, it's best to just not talk about them w/the WW - that's what we're here for.

ML, MB, GO, others: disagree?


fBW 49
xWH 55
DD 22
DDay 6/07
D 8/15
Letting Go
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Letty.

Thanks for the advice, I think you are 100% right. She does not know I have a date set in my mind at this point and I know I cant tell her that either.

I appreciate all the support I have found here, I don't have anyone to really pour it out to right now, especially to her. I appreciate the honest up front advice you are all giving. thank you all so much.

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Originally Posted by n76
I know at this point I need to be the best husband I can and show her I love her but ultimatly it is up to her to let her guard down and let me into her life again.

Your WW is an addict. You need to take control of the steering wheel and pull her out of this. WW cannot do it on her own.


Tell WW that this is what it will take to keep YOU in this marriage:

1. NCL handwritten by WW and given to you to approve and mail.
NCL Samples<<<<<click on link

2. Commit to NC for LIFE with OM and immediately informing you of any attempts at contact by OM.
3. Complete transparency of her life including phones, passwords, computers, etc.
4. No opposite sex friendships
5. No overnights apart
6. Follow the policy of joint agreement (POJA)
7. Commit to MB recovery program

If WW will not commit to your requirements, then you will need to ask WW to leave. You stay in the home and the kids stay with you.







ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

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How do you feel about OM becoming stepdad? It sounds like this is the direction OM is trying to take.

EXPOSE the continued contact!

You are going to have to get your WW away from OM. Figure out how you can move.

n76. Your story is the same as mine. I recovered my marriage with the MB principles. But I had to pick up the tools and use them. I had to fight for my family. The thought of exfriend OW possibly becoming my kids stepmother gave me the strength to fight. That was going to happen over my dead body.





ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

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OM becoming stepdad?

That thought almost made me put my fist thru the monitor, I agree with you, over my dead body! I am going to tell everyone including his pastor and whole family that he is contacting her. I will find his pressure points and use them, I will fight for my wife and family.


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Originally Posted by n76
I will fight for my wife and family.

You have to take control here n76. Remember WW is an addict. Don't let some POSOM steal your life.

Here is an excellent post from Pepperband on the carrot and stick of Plan A. Without the stick it is Plan doormat.

Originally Posted by Pepperband
The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.


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DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

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Originally Posted by n76
MelodyLane,
you were right, they were still in contact thru texting, I am going to see if she tells me about this or do you think I should tell her I read it and see what she says?

I would not wait a second for her to tell you. I would confront her and DEMAND that she end all contact and fix it so he can't contact her. Preferably by exchanging phones or cancelling that phone #. This is hopeless as long as she leaves that door open.

I would then pay a visit to that RAT and let him know it is over and he is to never contact her again. I would also contact his parents and family members and ask them to keep that RAT scum out of your family. Does the OM have a facebook page?

See, OM are weasel cowards who are easily run off. He won't like the conflict and will cry like a little gurl if you rattle his cage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by pokerface
[
n76. In that case you are going to have to run that loser out of town. Expose the continued contact to anyone that has any influence on your WW AND the OM. Since he is your ex friend, you must know many people who would have influence on OM.

Pokerface is right, you need to run that POSOM off. Make his life a living hell. And in the meantime, tell your wife that phone # needs to be cancelled so that POS can't call her again. No contact is a BASIC extraordinary precaution that is NOT NEGOTIABLE. NOT NEGOTIABLE. There should be absolutely no way he can get through to her.

Do you know how I knew she was still in contact? It is not because I am psychic, but because your wife is TOO FOGGY for someone who supposedly ended contact. I COULD TELL. It is like watching a falling down drunk. A falling down drunk has obviously not been sober for 2 months. Same thing with adulterers. They aren't fogged out at 2 months if they have ended all contact. They are fogged out if they haven't.

Evry time she has contact with him, she is put back to day 1 of withdrawal and so are you.

STEP ONE is no contact. You can't go onto the next steps until all contact ends. As you can see, you have been spinning your wheels here because contact never ended.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by n76
OM becoming stepdad?

That thought almost made me put my fist thru the monitor, I agree with you, over my dead body! I am going to tell everyone including his pastor and whole family that he is contacting her. I will find his pressure points and use them, I will fight for my wife and family.

Here is your message for RAT BOY:



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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N76,

OM becoming stepdad?

Or worse imagine your OM addicted WW allowing OM to watch your children while she is out. The statistics are not good for step-parent abuse of non-biological children.

You need to add workplace exposure of OM, this OM is at war with your children.

God Bless
Gamma


Last edited by Gamma; 05/23/12 04:44 PM.
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n76. Go get a new phone with a new number. Install spyware before you give it to her. Something like this:

eblaster

Then have old number shut off.

ETA: Of course you will not tell WW about the spyware. This will help you to feel safer when you can verify NC when WW thinks you are not looking.


Last edited by pokerface; 05/23/12 05:47 PM.

ME: BW
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DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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Melody lane,

That movie clip can not be more appropriate it's that pos favorite movie

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Melody Lane,

Took your advice just sent that POS OM a text message:

told him to leave my wife and family alone, just because you have a few too many and are feeling sorry for yourself you dont need to send stupid little text messages to MY wife. Told him I would take this to any level he wants, and that if he thinks he has it bad now go ahead and see where I will take it if he continues. Told him my family was not his concern.

After I sent it I got no response so I texted him another message to him saying "Still not man enough to respond, I am not suprised. Thought you have have something to say I know how much you like to text.

I will not back down on that POS OM and I am not afraid to let him know!

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