and now shes on board with the mb program whereas before she wasn't. im not going to punish her if shes showing true remorse and offering just compensation now.

HH,


What you aren't GETTING here with this break in NC, is that phonecall could have been a planning session to resume the A right under your nose. And hey, just to keep you off the trail, she'll amp up the sweet talk, sugar!

Any contact with the AP sets your recovery, and her withdrawal from the AP back to DAY 1.

I hope you have a good snooping setup. Dropping your guard at this point is giving up.

Nope. She is not.

No Contact is a fairly easy concept to understand. No ambiguity in it. It means one doesnt initiate, accept, open email, open text, or USPS conversation in any other way from her Affair Partner.

If she is driving down a busy highway and her guy is on the other side in his own car, fleeting eye contact is not permitted.

Innocent bumping into at the mall is not allowed.

CALLING HIM IS ONE OF THE WORST BREAKING OF THIS RULE THAT COULD BE.

Come on, dude. Man up here. You are being played by these 2.

A slap on the wrist and 'please dont do that again' does not suffice.

A wayward who is serious about NC would have never called the OM.

The fact that you are minimizing what a setback this is shows that you do not understand the addictive nature of affairs AT ALL. She is a crackhead and and she just took a hit off the crackpipe. She is happy because she is high off of the recent contact.

OM is top of mind and the likelyhood of more contact is extremely high.

Hopeful_Hubby,

and now shes on board with the mb program whereas before she wasn't. im not going to punish her if shes showing true remorse and offering just compensation now.

Once again have you informed OMW about this, and have you exposed the OM?

Punish her?, no punish the OM for this insult.

And this just compensation is more like damage control.

God Bless
Gamma

Most likely her treatment of you has improved because she wants to distract you from ongoing C and looking closer at the lack of EPs.


I hope you understand now that this type of attitude in part is what lead to you not watching her more closely. Your WW is showing all the signs of someone who is either still in C or not even close to being through withdrawal = high chance of continued contact. Your attitude should be, I need to watch her closely. She is a crackhead and still looking for her fix.

BTW, can you explain to us how you did not know the OM was emailing her and she was calling him on your own if you had a keylogger on phone and email?

What EPs have you changed to prevent this into the future? How did the OM get her email? Was it never changed?

She shouldn't be using the computer without you right there in the room with her at least until she is through withdrawal.

Well, you shouldn't punish her no matter what.

But you should be aware that this is a SERIOUS problem that you need to address, not sweep under the rug.

Regarding your going away for five weeks:




but now you say this:


So you could have gotten out of it but you did not take what ML told you seriously enough.

We cannot help you if you do not somehow absorb how serious EPs are and how you cannot deviate from this program in the tiniest bit.

These two recent contacts, when your WW was at home on the email and when she was using the phone to call OM and you were at the hospital, you two should have been together. I see many many gaps here, and the biggest problem is that you don't take the risk of the A igniting seriously enough.

You have had amazing posters trying to tell you from the beginning, SC, ML, bliss, and many others, and you have been resisting every step of the way that your WW is still at risk for contact.

I am not sure what it is going to take for you to "get" it....

Let's regroup here my friend and take stock of what is your reality.

You have a still-fogged-out WW who is saying one thing to you and acting in quite another.

You have an OM making contact with your wife.

Its time to hop in to the car and go visit this OM and let him know its over. Grab one of your largest buddies to ride shotgun and time to let this guy know what's yours.

Then, when you get home, you tell your wife that her last contact was in fact, her LAST contact. Should you learn about ANY CONTACT OF ANY NATURE that HH is gonzo. The locks will be changed and her life with you as she knows it is over.

You are coming off as weak when this is a time to let her know you are not weak, you are making the rules if she wants to continue to be married. A cheating wife makes a man look like less a man, I know too well. Laying down the law does the opposite. Setting guidelines for her (and you) is a manly thing.

You have a diseased woman in your midst. One who is more interested in destroying many peoples lives to satisfy a selfish need. A firm hand is needed.

and now shes on board with the mb program whereas before she wasn't. im not going to punish her if shes showing true remorse and offering just compensation now.

OK. Good luck.

HH,

Your wife is not on board with MB. She is GASLIGHTING. If you haven't done it already, take a look at the false recovery thread of lessons learned.

AM

Hopeful_Hubby,

BTW is something else going on here? Did you get a DNA test for your twins? It really feels like your W is still mentally wayward.

God Bless
Gamma

First of all, you have already told us this again and again from the beginning of this thread that there is no further contact and you two just need move to the rebuilding part, etc. What would be more helpful is if you would answer our questions.

If she is serious about being "on board", please tell us your WW's EP/NC plan? I saw something about privatizing the blog and changing phone numbers but that doesn't cover what led to the two recent broken NCs (that you know of).




I would really appreciate your addressing this and also letting us know if OMW was told of the break in NC.

THIS. HH, a remorseful spouse DOES NOT EVER - EVER contact their affair partner.

Dude, it's become almost exepcted that certain forms of BH will put blinders on and fail to READ, much less internalize, what is written to them for their benefit. (Without getting too negative, let me preface the rest of this note by saying you are one of those unfortunate BHs.)

But, my friend, you may have set the standard for willful "blinders", as it's increasingly evident you do not even read or digest your OWN writings.

13 August, 2:35pm
The night after holding my hand, I went to hold her's the next night and she wouldn't let me. This set me off as I felt totally confused and rejected. The mixed signals killed me. I guess she had read a page I'd written when I was pissed off at the POSOM. She said the anger distances her from me.

13 August, 2:53pm
...and now shes on board with the mb program whereas before she wasn't. im not going to punish her if shes showing true remorse and offering just compensation now.

In eighteen minutes, you went from righteous displeasure with her cavalier treatment of you and rejection of just compensation (and let's be fair: you were trying to hold her hand, not write additiional chapters to the Kama Sutra!), to a weak-wristed, "Oh, but she's trying sooooooo hard!"

In your misguided zeal to tell my colleagues that they are in error, you've exposed your own craven, pathetic, conflict-avoiding obsequiesness to WW.

In your current state, you are unhelpable. WW has her stiletto heel tamped down on your man-pebbles, waiting to hear the "pop"!

Here you go.
False Recovery
False Recovery: voices of experience

Something that I have learned through this process called recovery is that true love is created through GIVING of oneself the other their emotional needs. Receiving is important, but it's the giving that creates a love that lasts.

Have you read this?
The Giver and Taker

Very familiar with it.