I listened to these radio clips but to me they bring up more questions than answers. I guess I still don't understand how some of this advice is supposed to fit together with other Marriage Builders principles like radical honesty and the policy of joint agreement. I understand that many men will certainly act like they enthusiastically agree that porn is wrong and promise to never view it and maybe they even believe it themselves when directly confronted about it but how much of this ends up being for real and how much turns out to be nothing more than a case of telling people what they want to hear?

I look around and see perfectly decent men that wouldn't ever be caught telling lies or cheating in any other everyday situation go ahead and make a special exception and act very sneaky in this one case. And why wouldn't they when they know full well that if they tell the truth about it that they actually like porn and don't really want to stop viewing it if it was up to them then it simply will not go over very well? If every other available option is more painful by comparison then why is it any surprise than many of them will take the path of least resistance and hide the truth at all costs because what their wives don't know won't hurt them?

This fits perfectly with the policy of joint agreement. The POJA says that you never DO anything without the enthusiastic agreement of your spouse. So if your spouse doesn't think that you relieving yourself with porn is a great idea, the POJA says that you don't do it.

As far as radical honesty, if you want a good marriage, you be radically honest. Nothing builds character faster than fessing up to your faults! And faults include doing thoughtless things that you know hurt your spouse.

If you want to know if your spouse is being honest, you check up on them. For example, when I confessed to my wife that I had briefly looked at porn twice in our marriage, she installed a keylogger on my computer. She found out that I was honest and that I was not currently viewing porn. Dr. Harley says to snoop until it becomes boring, and that's exactly what Prisca did.

If it turns out your spouse isn't being honest, then you have some decisions to make.

Does that help show how the policies all fit together?


Okay, but if you want to be a liar and sneaky and have other sorts of character flaws, the fact is that that's your own choice. It would be extremely immature to claim that your wife made you do it by having a problem with porn. That's the same logic by which some say they had to have an affair because of their spouse, or some say they had to have an angry outburst because of their spouse. No, we all own our own choices in life.

The Marriage Builders insight is: look, if you want to relieve yourself with porn, go right ahead, but don't try to control your wife's reaction to it. She's not wrong for detesting it and feeling complete revulsion by it. And the fact is, people pretty much can't have a good marriage if they are doing things that their spouse can't stand.


I guess some people are disgusting abusers who want to get their way at their spouse's expense, and others are honorable people who want to be noble and open and honest and adjust to each other so that they can have a good marriage.


I have never found not beating off to porn to be painful.

Why don't you send your questions to Dr. Harley directly to answer on the radio? mbradio@marriagebuilders.com is the address.

grim, I really think you should move this discussion to your own thread in case strangernmyhouse comes back and wants to respond. Objections to Dr. Harley's advice should be discussed on your own thread, not the thread of someone who came here seeking help. Like Fireproof said, the purpose of the forum is to learn the official Marriage Builders advice. The idea is that people who want that should be able to get it without other people jumping in to express their objections. So generally people who have objections are expected not to try to counter the advice offered by people who are helping others to learn Dr. Harley's advice. Instead they are expected to hold their own discussion about their objections and not interrupt the other discussions. Make sense?

strangernmyhouse is hurting and if she comes back she deserves to get what she came for: Marriage Builders advice, whether it's right or wrong, not grimreaper's opinion of the "right" answer.