Broom, it's been awhile... do you have an update? I'm curious because in my (now defunct) marriage, my ex had an entitlement personality. Basically, he'd pulled himself out of the ghetto (that was true) now it was time to live the good life. Unfortunately, his appetites outgrew our income and after too long of being sole supporter (3 jobs) I put my foot down. This issue ruined our (already troubled) marriage.

I have a very hard time understanding the desire for luxury things based only on "I deserve it." I do like to buy nicer things when they will last longer or fit better, but I hate debt.

Not saying your wife is wrong to want nicer stuff, but I've always had the mindset that if I want something I can't afford, I work extra, save, or readjust my expectations, so it�s just hard for me to understand why she would blame you for not having what she wants.

That said, I'd like to go back to what CWMI said awhile back-- especially since your wife is aggressive and successful (even if not extremely profitable) with her businesses. If you tend towards being conflict avoidant, standing up for her and the kids in little ways like CWMI mentioned can go a long way towards making her feel valued and loved. Her feeling more valued and loved goes a long way toward her being satisfied with what you make (and with more of your decisions). At least it did for me, long ago. Didn�t last though. Eventually, my opinions and thoughts fell to the bottom of the priority list. And whether or not your wife is �right� to want greater level of FS, doing what you can to show her she is at the top of your priority list goes a long way. Since kicking your dad out of the business he built doesn�t appear to be a smart decision there are many other little smart decisions you can make to improve things.

Time for an update.

Everything is pretty much the same. Well actually things have kinda gotten worse. The primary dynamics are the same, but those old resentments have led to new developments and the economy has also had it's impact on all involved.

First off my wife's two business have been economically unsuccessful. She started out with her first business and decided after a few years to purchase another. At the time she consulted in me regarding the purchase and I advised against it, but she was able at the time to finance the purchase through her existing business. The price was minimal ($3000), but my position was that since her existing business at best broke even (she was working full time for no pay so factoring in compensation for her time the case could be made the business operated at a loss) the last thing she needed was another business that would require more of her time and provide no income. Anyway she bought it and last summer both businesses hit rock bottom. We were able to get the person she purchased the second business from to take it back no questions asked. After pumping more cash into her original operation we were able to keep it solvent. All total we are down $200K with no real chance for recovering any of those funds. All through this my wife's contention has been that if I were being compensated at the same level as my father the loss of those funds would be inconsequential.

Secondly I have discovered that my wife has had at least one inappropriate relationship with another man whom she has employed (and continues to employ) as a handyman. A disgruntled former employee of hers called me and stated they were having an affair. Whether or not a PA occurred the relationship was definitely inappropriate because I caught her in several lies regarding this person. I have also suspected other behaviors of her's to be inappropriate. An old female friend of her's came back into her life a couple of years ago and while the two of them were at our house last year, and had been drinking, my wife had her friend spend the night and actually tried get me to agree to having the two of them sleep in the same bed with me. She did this with our two sons home in the house probably overhearing some if not all of what was said (they were drunk and kind of loud). I couldn't figure out if she wanted me to have sex with her friend, or a threesome, or (and this is probably the most likely case) just have the three of us sleep in the same bed because it was convenient (didn't have to make her friend sleep on the sofa or have to make up the guest bed)? I was appalled and told my wife that her friend was sleeping in the guest room and she could do whatever she (my wife) liked.

My wife has always been diagnosed with depression and takes prescription medication for it. She has also always been a drinker. When she was pregnant and the kids were little she quit but began drinking fairly heavily around about the time of our initial separation now seven years ago. I also drink but I seem to have a much better control of it than she. A couple of years ago she got a DUI while driving home after work after she had been at one of her employee's house. This is another example of suspicious behavior on her part because whatever she was doing was inappropriate for a married woman.

I don't see much point on attempting to uncover all of her misdeeds. I'm no saint either but I've never had any inappropriate relationships outside our marriage, but my understanding of MB leads me to understand what pushes people in the direction of infidelity. I have no interest in supporting my wife leading a life that doesn't include me though and as a result I have investigated divorce. The bad news there is that since my wife has no income when I divorce her I'll assume all the debt and have to provide her with whatever spousal support the judge deems necessary. I also realize that I have enabled all of her bad behavior. Were I to divorce her I have no doubt that she would quit drinking, get a real job (she has a college degree and is certainly employable), and in actuality become a better person. It is her resentment of our entire situation that is leading her to be so self destructive. It is because I know how capable she can be that I don't doubt that she would land on her feet were we to separate. I don't believe that her infidelities became physical because I do know her pretty well, but certainly the opportunity has been there and her anger and resentment towards me would not act as a preventative for doing something that she knows would cause me much pain and anguish.

Where I stand now is pretty much as an outside observer. So much has happened to us both that the thought of not having my wife in my life doesn't bother me. I'm a good looking guy. I'm young and in good shape. I have a pretty wide support network in my career and in life. Even with an ex-wife living on my nickel I could pursue another relationship. To be honest though right now I don't see that as being high on my list of priorities. I've lived the last seven years without a meaningful spousal relationship and as I get older the need isn't as strong as it once was. I'm more concerned about the kids. The oldest would deal with a divorce fairly well, but we're currently having a great deal of trouble with him being disrespectful. I'm not surprised by this given the state of his life the last seven years. The youngest would want to side with his mother. I contemplate all this in the event I get fed up enough with things and just divorce my wife. I've considered pursuing the infidelities and her DUI, but all that would do would be to strengthen my custody position and truth be told there I wouldn't want to force the kids into a position where they feel they have to choose between us. The best bet with a divorce I can see would be just to end it and take the debt and pay her whatever I have to going forward. Then accept joint custody realizing that in all probability the kids would end up with me and see her whenever they and she likes.

I can also keep on going the way I am. Her remaining business will soon fail and I'm not going to invest anymore money into it on anyone's behalf (her, her creditors, landlord, etc.). I really don't have anymore money in savings so that point is moot. I do have my interest in the family business, but that has been locked up in a family trust and while I'm sure if we do divorce her lawyer will attempt to pursue some form of recompense from it my understanding is that it is beyond her or even my ability to take. The trust only pays out income made and the trustee (my father) can structure that in such a way that nothing comes out. She could I suppose attempt to place some form of assignment against future payouts, but maybe if she goes in that direction that's when I fully lawyer up and show her just how nasty and spiteful I can be. We don't live in a huge town and there are steps I can take to make it difficult for her to hire local quality attorneys and out of town lawyers might reconsider taking her case given all of the circumstances. I could be overstating my position in a divorce, but to be honest if I divorce her whatever I have to pay would probably be well worth the cost. I haven't done all this because right now we're pretty much at rock bottom and I'm curious to see how everything plays out. If she expects to live her life the way it's been going the past seven years, well that's going to be pretty hard for her to do if she expects me to pay for it. Business is very egalitarian. When the money is gone the doors close. A lifestyle built upon said business and what it provides stops soon thereafter. Then you either figure out how to pay the bills you've got or else the bank steps in and does with it has to do.

I don't know maybe I'll print off this thread and let her read it. She's not one to respond well when backed into a corner, but she's put herself there and if she wants me to help get her out she's going to have to offer me something too. If our past resentments are too much for her to overcome, well the courts are there to handle that too.

An assignment on future trust income won't work for her.

1. Almost any trust worth it's salt has creditor protection (spendthrift) clauses forbidding the assignment of any monies to creditors.

2. There's no way to mandate a distribution....so even it she could somehow get rights to distributions (say your beneficiary interests have matured and you, today, could go in and withdraw the whole amount), your father could hold the distribution back and THEN send her a K1 for her share of the income (thus forcing her to pay income taxes on money she didn't receive).

Well we've closed her business. In doing so we've moved a huge volume of stuff to our home that my wife claims she'll sell via ebay. My wife has withdrawn from me primarily I believe because she feels she's been forced out of business. Forced out by a landlord she feels wouldn't work with her on reducing her rent (she was under a lease) and forced out by me since I refused to continue to finance her operation. I would characterize her behavior as that of a wayward spouse who has been forced to end the affair (figuratively and literally). None of this sits well with me because I don't think I'm willing to do what it is going to take to "win" my wife back to me.

There are changes taking place within my family business that will no doubt be upsetting for my wife in that she feels I should benefit far greater from the business than I do. My wife knows changes are coming but neither one of us has pushed the sharing of information regarding the business between the two of us. This is not a recipe for building a better marriage, but I don't see much give on her part in regards to what her expectations are from the business. She'll take concessions because in this regard she has no choice, but if her expectations aren't met she'll be resentful towards me because of the outcome. So I continue to wait, but it would be nice to feel like I was working towards something better...

Did you POJA closing down the business?

The businesses were opened at his expense, without his enthusiastic agreement. She violated POJA by opening them.


Since the opening of the business was a violation of POJA, the violation must be corrected. Meaning, the business cannot stay open.

Totally agree and thanks for the information. So Broom are you and your wife going to use POJA from now on?