Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 4 1 2 3 4
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: SugarCane
[
I can see that you are going to argue this to death even though the original poster made one post to this thread and disappeared. You are going to argue and argue "solutions according to Enlightened Ex" and claim that your arguments are really the same as Dr Harley's advice, when really it is not.


Agree. Instead of helping this poster with MB concepts, we have to waste time educating a poster who should know better.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: May 2002
Posts: 1,816
J
Administrator
Member
Offline
Administrator
Member
J
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 1,816
PLEASE stick to Dr Harley's concepts & principles when advising those still struggling with their marriages!!


JustUss

Administrator/Moderator
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
Please help me understand how proposing solutions differs from brainstorming solutions? Is that not part of POJA? Proposing is not demanding unilaterally that one's spouse adopt any or all of the proposals. Is the key to follow the list of proposed solutions with something along the lines of "but if none of these appeal to you, I am happy to hear proposals from you to see if I could be enthusiastic about them"?


When you can see it coming, duck!
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: holdingontoit
Please help me understand how proposing solutions differs from brainstorming solutions? Is that not part of POJA? Proposing is not demanding unilaterally that one's spouse adopt any or all of the proposals. Is the key to follow the list of proposed solutions with something along the lines of "but if none of these appeal to you, I am happy to hear proposals from you to see if I could be enthusiastic about them"?


Show me where one has to present a solution AND come up with 10 praises for every complaint in order to bring a complaint to a spouse? Do you have a link? Help me understand where or why I have to do that? You have heard from TWO members on this thread who have been through the MB program and have no idea where in the world that came from?

When my H does something that annoys me, I don't have to present a solution or come up with 10 good things he does, all I do is respectfully explain the problem. Solutions are discussed together, not reached unilaterally.

EE seems to have a basic issue with a wife making any complaints:
Originally Posted By: enlightenedex
"Do you just present complaints, or do you present solutions?"


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,445
Likes: 8
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,445
Likes: 8
Originally Posted By: holdingontoit
Please help me understand how proposing solutions differs from brainstorming solutions? Is that not part of POJA? Proposing is not demanding unilaterally that one's spouse adopt any or all of the proposals. Is the key to follow the list of proposed solutions with something along the lines of "but if none of these appeal to you, I am happy to hear proposals from you to see if I could be enthusiastic about them"?

Could you elaborate on this please, hold? Did somebody here rule this out, or suggest that they are different? Whose argument are you addressing?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
Just trying to see if I understand. The key is that complaints should be welcomed by both spouses, even if the complaining spouse has no suggestion on how to improve the situation? Because complaints provide information that enables the listener to avoid Love Busters or to make more Love Bank deposits. And then the couple can discuss solutions together. Without either spouse proposing unilateral solutions?


When you can see it coming, duck!
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,025
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,025
Originally Posted By: holdingontoit
Just trying to see if I understand. The key is that complaints should be welcomed by both spouses, even if the complaining spouse has no suggestion on how to improve the situation? Because complaints provide information that enables the listener to avoid Love Busters or to make more Love Bank deposits. And then the couple can discuss solutions together. Without either spouse proposing unilateral solutions?



Sure beats posting your complaints to total strangers on the internet for 10 years. <wink> (I'm teasing you)

Welcome back Holding....could you shoot me an email at my address in my sig line. Gotta question for you completely unrelated to this thread.

Mr. Wondering


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 5,736
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 5,736
Exactly, if you are against proposting solutions, how can you be FOR the POJA.

And folks are saying I am the one who doesn't understand MB.

I assumed nothing. The OP said that she didn't meet his need for admiration very well in the other thread.

Originally Posted By: holdingontoit
Please help me understand how proposing solutions differs from brainstorming solutions? Is that not part of POJA? Proposing is not demanding unilaterally that one's spouse adopt any or all of the proposals. Is the key to follow the list of proposed solutions with something along the lines of "but if none of these appeal to you, I am happy to hear proposals from you to see if I could be enthusiastic about them"?

Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 5,736
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 5,736
****************EDIT*********************

Last edited by MBsurvivor; 06/04/12 05:55 PM. Reason: TOS disruption
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 5,736
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 5,736
*****************EDIT*********************

Last edited by MBsurvivor; 06/04/12 05:53 PM. Reason: TOS disrupting thread
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,445
Likes: 8
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,445
Likes: 8
I'm removing this, too. I'm not arguing any more!

Last edited by SugarCane; 06/04/12 06:09 PM.

BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,445
Likes: 8
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,445
Likes: 8
Originally Posted By: Enlightened_Ex
So please stop with your projections and follow the TOS here. Your personal attack here is against the TOS.

EE, if you will point out which parts of my post are a personal attack I will edit.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 5,736
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 5,736
*****************EDIT***********************

Last edited by MBsurvivor; 06/04/12 05:52 PM. Reason: TOS disrupting thread
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 5,736
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 5,736
**************EDIT*********************

Last edited by MBsurvivor; 06/04/12 05:49 PM. Reason: TOS disrupting thread with endless arguments
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,445
Likes: 8
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,445
Likes: 8
************EDIT***************

Last edited by MBsurvivor; 06/04/12 06:00 PM. Reason: removing quote

BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 165
M
Moderator
Member
Offline
Moderator
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 165
This debate will end now and we will get back to helping this poster with Marriage Builders concepts! Debating with others about very basic concepts does not help this poster, who by the way, has not been back. Familiarize yourself with the concepts before posting on these threads again.


mbsurvivor11@gmail.com
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 5,736
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 5,736
moderator's note: stop disrupting this thread!

Last edited by MBsurvivor; 06/04/12 06:01 PM. Reason: TOS disruption
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 34
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 34
I'm sorry it seems I abandoned my own thread. I just didn't get a chance to get back to it that day. I didn't expect to come back and find so many responses so I'm going to try to get through them a little now and a little later today.

Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 34
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 34
Quote:

You might want to keep your threads all together so we can read your complete story.

Is your DH still out of work? Most men take alot of pride in being the care giver of the family. Is he struggling with this?

Also how are you doing on your physically attractiveness? Have you lost the extra weight? Are you still working on that?

Can you give us an examples of what you're "sharing" with him? Are you using any DJs? How's your timing when you bring it to his attention?

How is your UA time?


Sorry it had been a bit since I'd updated my last one and since this seemed like a new issue I thought I'd make a new topic.

No. DH is back to work. He started back the beginning of April. He had been struggling with this before that point though.

I am very close to my healthy goal weight which would be the weight I was when we were dating. So yes still chipping away at that.

Examples. I'm trying to remember what was brought up then, but my brain is a little tired now at the end of my long shift at work and it's not coming to me. Often the things I'm responding to are DH's LB's and I know that's what happened that led to this post. I just don't remember now what specifically it was he said that hurt my feelings. When he makes a LB as long as it's not an AO, I tell him that it hurt my feelings and how it made me feel. With AO's I let him calm down and then tell him the same. Often during those it's because he's called me a name that wasn't so nice. Going over the conversations I can occassionally find that in my frustration I also LB'ed him, but the majority of the time I have a good handle on not doing the same.

I'm thinking next time it will be good for me to post the whole thing and let you all pick apart it and maybe find ones I'm missing. I will make sure to do that.


Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,320
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,320
Likes: 3
Good job on meeting his need for PA.

Yes bring us the conversation.

Do you have the book Lovebusters? I would get this pronto.
Have you done this? Love Busters Questionnaire


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Page 2 of 4 1 2 3 4

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
2 members (anchorwatch, 1 invisible), 30 guests, and 53 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Spartan Point He, OnTheRocks, Alise245, CVT, Olivia 80
71,700 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,537
Posts2,322,693
Members71,700
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5