I have done that. That's when I asked her is she wants her marriage and if she does, then I highly encourage her to come here and read and ask questions.

I didn't say anythign about the snooping,thanks for that suggestion.

Good girl! We have a whole new forum called Operation Investigate that can help. If there is any way she can afford a PI, that is the quickest, most effective way. A PI can usually get the goods very fast.

Ok, will let her know that. She also has another couseling appt tonight. I'm wondering what proactivity she can do in there today?

Nil. Unless she's striuck lucky and got a counsellor who knows derriere from arm joint its just an opportunity for the wayward to whine about her.

If he is in an affair, then marriage counseling will be a disaster. And let me explain why. Marriage counselors do not understand the temporary insanity of a wayward. As such, they make marriage wrecking mistakes such as validating their desires. Imagine a falling down drunk going to a counselor and asking her to help him achieve goals based on his current mindset? It is the same dynamic.

If her WS tells the counselor he wants to separate, the counselor, instead of trying to save the marriage, will try to get the BS to "accept" this move, which serves to validate his horrible decision. That makes it harder for her to save this because the WS can always pimp the counselors credentials to give credibility to his bad decisions.

If I were her, I would skip counseling and quietly start snooping. She can either hire a PI or do it herself. Doing it herself would mean slipping spyware on his phone and his computer. Elblaster at spectorsoft.com has good computer and cell phone spyware. I would NOT ask him if he is having an affair. Asking him will gain her nothing but will tip him off so he can do a better job of hiding.

Explain to her that marriage counselors have an 84% failure rate and have a higher personal divorce rate than the general population. They are destructive to marriages. And they are a disaster when there is an affair.

It is very probable that this counselor will support her husbands desire to leave the marriage because she has no idea how to save a marriage.

If she's dead set on it, she should ask for the counsellors success rate.

She should also snoop alongside it.

Good news, the H isn't going with them. This is just for her and the kids.

I have sent her the information and hopefully she takes it and works with it.

It's all we can do today. She is future tripping, I have worked very hard to keep her calm, stay in today and realize there is MUCH she can do.

You are a good friend, Queenie!

Send her the links from here. The snooping article and such. She will look at it and the light will come one. Who doesn't like to read stuff when it's sent to you from a caring friend?

I know I've sent many a BS here and they were all so thankful.

Hi Queenie, you rock because you care.

I cannot think of any place, people or thing when they got the ILYBNILWU speech was NOT having an affair. At that point the A can be served on a silver platter.

Praying she prepares herself and fights for her M.

blessings

Hi Hope, long time no see! How are you?

She is receptive to what I'm saying because of my credibility. She was there when all this happened to me, she knows I recovered my marriage and she watched me walk through it every step. Both plans, etc. we just need some alone time. I've been firm but caring, I've stood my ground and used my experience to lead her here. Tomorrow hopefully we can have more time to talk.

That's the one constant for sure, the infamous speech. Hubby says if he isn't actively in an affair he's thinking about it.

I need time with her alone but it's the last days of school and it's just a zoo!

Can you send her links to MB? So she can read when she has time?

I could with some direction. How do you send links?

I read wrong, she knows the name, repeated back to me when she left for lunch.

Well tell me which ones you would like to send and I can put them together and then you can copy them into an email for her.

Or you can email from the thread.

Or you copy the link and paste it into an email.

Tell me which way you would like to do and I would be happy to help.

Thanks Brain, let me play with it nd get a safe email to use. I'm not sure she wants the,m sent to work.

You're welcome and I totally understand. Good luck and you're a dear friend to care for her.

Let me know if you need any help.

Brain, when this happened to me, a lot of people stood by me on here. I learned a lot and worked the plans. I'm a member of AA and it's my responsibility to give what was so freely given to me.

She's hurting and I truly understand that pain and know you can survive this hit to a marriage. I have to try!