Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 2 1 2
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 208
D
Daisy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 208
Oh, and yes,...I have an IM (more than one that have agreed to do it, when needed). I have studied the Plan B plan according to MB and I have it well planned out.

Once I have a secure, good paying job -- no longer needing to rely on his income to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table -- then it's show time for a strong Plan B,...with conviction. No more fear, no more expecting good things will come from him, and no more ambivalence.

Until I have that, it's a no go. I have to be completely OUT from under his financial control going into it.


BW
m:19y, 2kids
PA/EA, 2 FR's, 2x sep, D on hold
DD#3 AUG 2010
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,310
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,310
Likes: 3
You will apply for CS, right?

Good luck on your job interview. When is it again?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: May 2010
Posts: 208
D
Daisy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 208
Right,..but, you're missing the part where I state that it's NOT better to go into Plan B for me. The pros don't outweigh the cons. I've thought it through....and I've already been there, before.

1) who knows who he's sleeping with
2) it stresses our finances
3) he drinks more, does even more reckless things while I'm still dependent on him
4) more stressful for the kids being shuffled around(more chaos for them than less) -- and having issues with both me and with him over the separation and not speaking to each other
5) issues arise over family and friends hearing different sides of the story,..or caught in the middle
6) lawyer fees to manage financial injunction and visitations
7) having to rely on an IM person to work out all of the details between us about kids/finances/lawyers

All of this I don't have to worry about right now.

That doesn't mean that I'm not working on my own well-being or my kids' -- I am! I'm just doing it in a place that feels comfortable to me right now. This day-to-day I know. I know it like clock-work,...no surprises, no unsettling weirdness. It's perfect for working on myself and working toward the goal of financial independence and healthier life/future for my own benefit,..strength and well-being.


BW
m:19y, 2kids
PA/EA, 2 FR's, 2x sep, D on hold
DD#3 AUG 2010
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 208
D
Daisy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 208
I've had my interviews,..just waiting to hear back on them. I've been doing this a while, though, the latest ones have been really promising regarding the pay and the skills I have.

CS -- yes. + alimony, retirement, SS. Sure,...

Thing is, though,...it's not safe to rely on that option as a fail safe at this point; even if he does have the ability to make 6x what I might be able to earn. He's a loose cannon to me now.

And,..the financial thing is a means of control/power plays. I'd rather not assume his CS will take care of anything. It's only going to supplement, a small,..minimal,....amount that the court says he HAS to pay based on his income.


BW
m:19y, 2kids
PA/EA, 2 FR's, 2x sep, D on hold
DD#3 AUG 2010
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,310
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,310
Likes: 3
So you think it would be a waste of time to call the coaching center?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: May 2010
Posts: 208
D
Daisy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 208
At this point, yes. He's not on board for counseling of any kind (I've tried) -- and he's in denial.

I'm taken care of on the counseling front, self-care, and the plan B plan at this point. I've done my research. All I need now is financial independence and then I can stand tall, strong, and fearless in it.

I have to say,..the financial dependency thing REALLY hit me HARD in the prev Plan B,...separation, filing D (and D on hold). I've learned from that.

There's nothing----NOTHING ---more cruel than to tell your wife (proving it, day-in-day-out) for years upon years that you will take care of everything financially, discourage her from working FT so she can take care of all the domestics and the kids, and then,...BAM! You repeatedly cheat, lie, and abandon her,...KNOWING FULL WELL that you have all the power to make her desolate, if you choose to.

The year of the affair, it was down right awful the things and ways he resorted to with the financial power game at the root of the knife twisting. My future, the kids' futures,..all hanging in the balance of being ok or being basically homeless at his whim -- or the OW's fiendish agenda!

I seriously don't think there's anything more cruel.



BW
m:19y, 2kids
PA/EA, 2 FR's, 2x sep, D on hold
DD#3 AUG 2010
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 208
D
Daisy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 208
Oh, my! I just read this and felt I ought share it here. THIS is EXACTLY what we had -- no question!

ARTICLE: When a Woman is a Vulture and Your Man the Prey
http://redredapples.wordpress.com/2011/05/01/when-a-woman-is-a-vulture-and-your-man-the-prey/


BW
m:19y, 2kids
PA/EA, 2 FR's, 2x sep, D on hold
DD#3 AUG 2010
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 208
D
Daisy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 208
Update on me, in case you're wondering:

- I am still looking for the FT job (with good pay and benefits). It appears to be nearing closer every week. Though, I am having to do a LOT of interviews, applications, and phone conversations/contacts with very little result. I am optimistic, though; with each one I learn more, gain confidence, and make connections to expand my network.

- FWH has been caught LYING (either blatantly or by omission) and denying it, if confronted with questions. Though, I haven't revealed my source of how I know he's lying, I have told him I do not feel it's safe, or that I CANNOT trust him to the degree he wishes I could. He's frustrated with me on that topic, but I have my reasons. I KNOW he can't be.

- FHW continues to drink and pursue self-gratifying interests and time away from home. He doesn't make me/family a priority despite what I have explained to him I feel is a reasonable boundary/need for a healthy relationship/family.

- FWH is not on board for a POJA and has said he PREFERS to go out, have his interests and drinking time to being with me or the family. Though, he often tells me he would rather I join him (occasionally, I have, however, he likes to manipulate, or push the envelope, in his favor,...so, I usually don't). I've requested we do more non-drinking activities, which goes on deaf ears.

- At this point, FWH is extremely frustrated with me for not leaning into his addition, or needs. I refuse to ride the emotional roller coaster anymore. Instead, I am civil, kind, interested, sharing, and intimate with him, but with limits that I hold firm. And, thus, he doesn't like it.

- I maintain a healthy environment for the kids. I seek out support. I continue to be a source strength, responsibility, integrity, and healing (away from dependency and co-dependency) for my well-being, our home, family, and the kids.

- still waiting on the gainfully employed moment to cut the cord.


BW
m:19y, 2kids
PA/EA, 2 FR's, 2x sep, D on hold
DD#3 AUG 2010
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,310
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,310
Likes: 3
Here's a radio clip on liars. Tell us what you think.
Radio clip on liars


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,310
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,310
Likes: 3
So you will be going into Plan B?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: May 2010
Posts: 208
D
Daisy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 208
Thank you for the radio clip.

Regarding Plan B-- I'm ready emotionally, but not financially....., yet.

Though, nearly a week ago, I was THIS CLOSE to doing it. So,...it may happen sooner than I would like it too; meaning,....before I am financially ready. I'd rather not do that, if I can help it.

I see a theriapist with my daughter (specializes in dealing with alcoholism and parental issues), who has been a major support. She agrees, its best if I hold my boundaries firm while living with him and not kick him out, or change the locks, until I am ready to take care of things financially on my own (as I am striving for). I will also need to prepare for the HIGHLY probable legal journey. Plan B will be more like Plan D, at that point. No more messing around.

I should add,...I have NOT threatened it, nor mentioned it to him. I'm pretty sure it will be a BIG surprise when it happens.



BW
m:19y, 2kids
PA/EA, 2 FR's, 2x sep, D on hold
DD#3 AUG 2010
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 208
D
Daisy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 208
Though,...you'd THINK it wouldnt be a surprise after how many times I've explained that I don't feel safe, why, and in what ways I wish to see proof of consistent change in order for us to have a healthy,...happy,...recovered marriage and family.


BW
m:19y, 2kids
PA/EA, 2 FR's, 2x sep, D on hold
DD#3 AUG 2010
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,310
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,310
Likes: 3
Originally Posted By: Daisy
Though,...you'd THINK it wouldnt be a surprise after how many times I've explained that I don't feel safe, why, and in what ways I wish to see proof of consistent change in order for us to have a healthy,...happy,...recovered marriage and family.

He won't get into treatment at all?

How are you holding up? This has got too be affecting your health and your kids? How is your self care?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: May 2010
Posts: 208
D
Daisy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 208
No - he won't.

It's difficult to explain, but I have managed to float my own boat (with lots of support) while remaining in the marriage. Not unlike any spouse married to an addict (who is fully aware of the addicted person's behavior and patterns) and CHOOSES not stand on the emotional roller coaster with them. The key is NOT to get emotionally wrapped up into the hurtful and cruel things the addicted spouse does. It takes strength and practice. It's not optimum, but it DOES work when you(I) have said your peace, drawn the line in the sand, and the rest is up to them to make the effort towards improvement and change.

I have ceased pressing expectations upon him, getting on him, trying to fix him, or educate him any further. He KNOWS we won't have a healthy marriage, family,...nor recover from the affair if he remains addicted and pursues self-gratifying time away from the family. He's READ the MB info,...he's watched the videos. He KNOWS! And he continues to CHOOSE that over making us/me a priority in his life.

I have already gone through the hardest part --- GRIEVING the marriage --- with the affair, gas lighting, lies, attempts to make a better marriage with him (doing my part), the separation, D papers/hold, etc.

I have new goals now. I'm building a better foundation for myself -- and for the kids.

I enjoy what I can enjoy with what I have to work with. And, the pros of staying in the marriage (in the same house with him) still outweigh the cons --- financially, for the most part. It also keeps him (somewhat) in the thick of it,...having SOME responsibilities to the family, kids, marriage, and home. I don't plan to offer him up on a silver platter to an AP/OW UNLESS I am able to be financially okay.




BW
m:19y, 2kids
PA/EA, 2 FR's, 2x sep, D on hold
DD#3 AUG 2010
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 208
D
Daisy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 208
Basically, the ball is in his court and he's choosing not to play.

So, while he sits on the sidelines, I'm getting ever stronger with the training and practice I am doing....running circles around him. He can get up off the bench anytime (I'd be thrilled!), but I'm NOT sitting around waiting for it.

I'm gonna be pro on a new team before too long,...and it'll be his loss.


BW
m:19y, 2kids
PA/EA, 2 FR's, 2x sep, D on hold
DD#3 AUG 2010
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,310
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,310
Likes: 3
I think your story explains better than anything why Dr. Harley says to separate with addicts until they get it under control.

God's speed to you. I do hope your job and finances allows you to get into Plan B/D soon so you can really begin to heal.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Page 2 of 2 1 2

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 7 guests, and 64 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
cooper503, Bobbyboy341, Steve123, kenmw, lawenda
71,694 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,534
Posts2,322,657
Members71,694
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5