Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 20
T
txf Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 20
Background, married 7 years now, wife and I just had our 3rd child a month ago. She is a project engineer for a large plumbing company. She works with all men. She is the only female on a team of 12 other men. She specifically works directly with another man on her 2 person sub-team.

So, needless to say every project she has to work on, she has to work directly with this other guy. She has worked with this other guy on her team since 2009.

Well I work in the oilfield 6 hours away and am gone 24 days per month. Personally other than me being gone all the time for the past 12 months our marriage I feel has been great.

Well recently I noticed this guy texting her. So I downloaded a program and retrieved all of her texts for the past 3 years just to see if anything was going on. Well out of 3,512 texts with this co-worker she works directly with on all projects for their 2 person team, I didnt really find anything out of the ordinary.

80% of the texts are work related. The others are just random stuff like telling her he went golfing with his wife, got a babysitter for their newborn and wanted to know what to pay her, pics of his newborn, and my wife in turn texted him pics from time to time of our kids either playing sports, or winning awards, etc. My wife did tell me she was babysitting his newborn one night while he and his wife went out to eat.

So nothing like meet me here, lets go do this, etc. just work stuff and some random personal stuff like babysitters, what he was doing over the weekend (golf, etc) and random tv shows they talk about at work.

What really bugs me is how much they text and talk on their company chat. it's a work computer, and work internal chat system. But they talk back and forth all day about the projects they work on. I dont mind the work related texting and chatting, but when he texts at 9:30pm at night every night or two about his golf game with the guys, or a tv show outcome that night, I feel it is kinda weird.

I confronted her about him 2 months ago and she said he is like a big brother since she works with him daily and has for the past 3 years. She doesnt lock her phone, I have access to her internal chat password, so she isnt really hiding anything in my opinion.

I guess since I was cheated on in the relationship prior to mine with my wife, I dated her for 3 years and found out I was being cheated on right before I proposed (so good luck finding out then!)

Is my uneasyness justified, or am I just paranoid due to a previous relationship that I was cheated on?

Let me know your thoughts..........

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by txf
Is my uneasyness justified, or am I just paranoid due to a previous relationship that I was cheated on?

Let me know your thoughts..........

Your uneasiness comes from the fact that you sense this is headed right for an affair. It won't be long before it gets romantic. He is meeting her emotional need for conversation and once one emotional need is met outside of marriage, the others are soon to follow. You are not paranoid, you see the train coming. And yes, it is coming.

It is especially dangerous because you are gone 24 days per month. When couples live apart like this, it is an invitation to an affair. Her coworker is filling the empty gap that you left. It is impossible to maintain the romantic love in a marriage if you are not meeting each others emotional needs on a daily basis. So while she is falling out of love with you, her feelings for her coworker are growing. This is what you are sensing.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Please read this on traveling jobs.

Traveling Jobs


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 20
T
txf Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by txf
Is my uneasyness justified, or am I just paranoid due to a previous relationship that I was cheated on?

Let me know your thoughts..........

Your uneasiness comes from the fact that you sense this is headed right for an affair. It won't be long before it gets romantic. He is meeting her emotional need for conversation and once one emotional need is met outside of marriage, the others are soon to follow. You are not paranoid, you see the train coming. And yes, it is coming.

It is especially dangerous because you are gone 24 days per month. When couples live apart like this, it is an invitation to an affair. Her coworker is filling the empty gap that you left. It is impossible to maintain the romantic love in a marriage if you are not meeting each others emotional needs on a daily basis. So while she is falling out of love with you, her feelings for her coworker are growing. This is what you are sensing.

But 3 years going on so far? Wouldn't it have fruitioned by now? Should I dins a local job ASAP? How do I proceed and save this at this point?

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by txf
[

But 3 years going on so far? Wouldn't it have fruitioned by now? Should I dins a local job ASAP? How do I proceed and save this at this point?

It can fruition at any time. As you can see it is headed right there now. That is sort of like believing I would be safe playing chicken if I had not been hit by a car in 3 years. It is a matter of when, not if, if I play long enough. What would stop it? Good boundaries? They don't have good boundaries. And yes, if you want to have a marriage, I would find a local job so you are home every night.

If you want to see your future, come over to the Surviving an Affair forum; there are thousands of affairs that begin just this way.

In the meantime, I would have a long talk with your wife about her inappropriate relationship with this man and ask her to stop. This is EXACTLY how affairs start. And the people it happens to are the ones who say "I WOULD NEVER DO THAT!!! TRUST ME!!" That is who usually has an affair because that is the person who has no boundaries because they believe they are immune. BUT....that is how almost ALL affairs begin.

I promise if you ask her to end her friendship with this man she will probably refuse. That is because she is already addicted to this man. I hope I am wrong, but I have a strong feeling she already places this "friendship" above her marriage.

Print this out and hand it to her: Are "Friends" a Threat to Your Marriage?

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders
Affairs are almost always with friends and co-workers. That's because the people you work with and those you spend leisure time with are usually in the best position to meet your most important emotional needs. But in the world of the internet, total strangers can also meet your emotional needs through chat rooms and e-mail because they meet your need for conversation so effectively. Do you and your spouse talk as much and as deeply as you talk to people on the internet? If not, watch out. As you probably know, an affair through the internet is becoming one of the most dangerous risks of owning a computer.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Quote
Wouldn't it have fruitioned by now? Should I dins a local job ASAP?
I'm not sure what you mean by 'dins a local job' - but I DO know that you need to end this relationship with your wife and her texting partner. Nothing good will come from their relationship. They are filling needs that you and his wife need to be filling. Do you know his wife? Can you get contact info for her? She might not be too happy to know that her husband is spending time texting another woman. Letting her know what's been going on may well wrap up this whole nasty business.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 20
T
txf Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by txf
[

But 3 years going on so far? Wouldn't it have fruitioned by now? Should I dins a local job ASAP? How do I proceed and save this at this point?

It can fruition at any time. As you can see it is headed right there now. That is sort of like believing I would be safe playing chicken if I had not been hit by a car in 3 years. It is a matter of when, not if, if I play long enough. What would stop it? Good boundaries? They don't have good boundaries. And yes, if you want to have a marriage, I would find a local job so you are home every night.

If you want to see your future, come over to the Surviving an Affair forum; there are thousands of affairs that begin just this way.

In the meantime, I would have a long talk with your wife about her inappropriate relationship with this man and ask her to stop. This is EXACTLY how affairs start. And the people it happens to are the ones who say "I WOULD NEVER DO THAT!!! TRUST ME!!" That is who usually has an affair because that is the person who has no boundaries because they believe they are immune. BUT....that is how almost ALL affairs begin.

I promise if you ask her to end her friendship with this man she will probably refuse. That is because she is already addicted to this man. I hope I am wrong, but I have a strong feeling she already places this "friendship" above her marriage.

Print this out and hand it to her: Are "Friends" a Threat to Your Marriage?

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders
Affairs are almost always with friends and co-workers. That's because the people you work with and those you spend leisure time with are usually in the best position to meet your most important emotional needs. But in the world of the internet, total strangers can also meet your emotional needs through chat rooms and e-mail because they meet your need for conversation so effectively. Do you and your spouse talk as much and as deeply as you talk to people on the internet? If not, watch out. As you probably know, an affair through the internet is becoming one of the most dangerous risks of owning a computer.


but how do I tell her Ive checked her email, chat logs, and texts messages??? Wouldnt that totally kill my trust for her and offend her? I want to talk to her about this but dont want to tell her ive snooped so far. How do I bring this up? All I can really officially say is Ive passed by her phone and seen some of his texts (his name) come up from time to time lately.


Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 20
T
txf Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by maritalbliss
Quote
Wouldn't it have fruitioned by now? Should I dins a local job ASAP?
I'm not sure what you mean by 'dins a local job' - but I DO know that you need to end this relationship with your wife and her texting partner. Nothing good will come from their relationship. They are filling needs that you and his wife need to be filling. Do you know his wife? Can you get contact info for her? She might not be too happy to know that her husband is spending time texting another woman. Letting her know what's been going on may well wrap up this whole nasty business.


autocorrect got me. It should read "Should I find a local job asap?"

but how do I get her to end this relationship with her co-worker that she shares a cubicle with, works right next to daily on the projects they are assigned to work on. She would have to quit her job or something, and we just cannot afford to do that now.

Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 20
T
txf Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by maritalbliss
Quote
Wouldn't it have fruitioned by now? Should I dins a local job ASAP?
I'm not sure what you mean by 'dins a local job' - but I DO know that you need to end this relationship with your wife and her texting partner. Nothing good will come from their relationship. They are filling needs that you and his wife need to be filling. Do you know his wife? Can you get contact info for her? She might not be too happy to know that her husband is spending time texting another woman. Letting her know what's been going on may well wrap up this whole nasty business.


see I thought about that, but what part is inappropriate exactly? Am I justified to say his texts about the TV show lost at 930 pm at night, or his texts about him going and playing golf with his wife were inappropriate? What if my wife says he is just a big brother type to her?

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by txf
[

but how do I tell her Ive checked her email, chat logs, and texts messages??? Wouldnt that totally kill my trust for her and offend her? I want to talk to her about this but dont want to tell her ive snooped so far. How do I bring this up? All I can really officially say is Ive passed by her phone and seen some of his texts (his name) come up from time to time lately.

But your trust for her is killed, isn't it? She is behaving in an inappropriate manner by having a very close friendship with another man. That is how affairs start. I would print out the article I posted and tell her how uneasy her relationship with this man makes you. Ask her to end the friendship. Tell her you have been looking at all their volumuous texts and emails and know this is out of line. [don't tell her how you have snooped, that is your private business - just let her know you have been watching closely]

I have a bad feeling she won't end the friendship because she is already very addicted to him.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by txf
see I thought about that, but what part is inappropriate exactly? Am I justified to say his texts about the TV show lost at 930 pm at night, or his texts about him going and playing golf with his wife were inappropriate? What if my wife says he is just a big brother type to her?

He is not her brother and it is inappropriate for her to have a personal friendship with a man outside of marriage. That is how affairs start.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by txf
[

but how do I get her to end this relationship with her co-worker that she shares a cubicle with, works right next to daily on the projects they are assigned to work on. She would have to quit her job or something, and we just cannot afford to do that now.

She can start behaving like a professional at work and stop having personal conversations with him. I predict she can't stop though and will have to leave that job eventually.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 20
T
txf Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 20
so when she says he is just a friend, and can she not have male friends, what do I say?

I mean, I dont want to be overly controlling, and she has to conversate with this guy because they have to both work together on their projects- that is the way their teams work at her employer.


Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted by txf
so when she says he is just a friend, and can she not have male friends, what do I say?

I mean, I dont want to be overly controlling, and she has to conversate with this guy because they have to both work together on their projects- that is the way their teams work at her employer.
The two of you can have friends of the opposite sex, as long as neither of you have a singular relationship with them. That means she does not interact with him alone; but the two of you can have dinner with him AND HIS WIFE. Is she willing to do this?

Cut the business of being all generous and giving and trying not to be 'over controlling' - your gut is already screaming at you that there's a problem. Nip that in the bud. The business of being benevolent and trying to let your wife be 'just friends' with a male co-worker is a one-way ticket to divorce.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by txf
so when she says he is just a friend, and can she not have male friends, what do I say?

Did you read the article?

Quote
I mean, I dont want to be overly controlling, and she has to conversate with this guy because they have to both work together on their projects- that is the way their teams work at her employer.

She doesn't have to, though. I work with all men and we don't discuss our private lives and they SURE do not text or call me at night!! That is very inappropriate in a professional setting. I can't think of any men and women at my company that behave like that.

If she can act in a professional manner at work with this man, it might work. But I seriously doubt she can because it has gone too far. I suspect she is addicted. That can be solved by asking to be moved to another work group for now while she looks for another job.

There is nothing "controlling" with wanting to protect your marriage from an affair. Would you be controlling if you took the car keys from her if she were falling down drunk?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by txf
so when she says he is just a friend, and can she not have male friends, what do I say?

I mean, I dont want to be overly controlling, and she has to conversate with this guy because they have to both work together on their projects- that is the way their teams work at her employer.

It is very unprofessional to have such a personal friendship with a man from work.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101



Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,116 guests, and 67 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5