No problem! So many people here trying to help me; I just want to help others too. I'm no expert in MB (yet!) but at least I'm good for some general advice on pediatrics and psychiatry.

Be sure to mention the part about him putting the gun in his mouth. Be very specific about that.

Three cheers for you on exposure! I may have said this before, but it's worth repeating. It doesn't matter how the exposure is received. The fact that it was done at all is what shines the light on the A, even if the exposees don't react well. Ya done good!

Thanks for the great tips, jah! Waywards who make threats of suicide typically are doing so to manipulate the situation to their advantage. BUT....who can tell if they are serious or not?

Therefore calling the police is a win/win from my perspective because if they are playing games, that should teach them to knock it off. And if they aren't, they will get the help they need.

I just read your thread.
Our cases have similarities. My wife met her affair partner, a guitarist she was going to be his vocalist.
Like your husband, she promised to stop seeing him. But she remained in contact. Eventually (within a month or so) she ended up spending a week at his house and "falling in love" with him.

There may be more to the demise of your husbands first marriage than you know.
Waywards are liars.

I would encourage you to buy a digital audio recorder (small one) from Beat buy (Sony makes a model for about $$80) and keep it on you and record whenever he is home. Record when you sleep. Don't tell him about the recorder. Don't tell anyone except your lawyer.

Does your husband know about this forum? Don't tell him anything about it anymore.

Make sure you read the exposure articles prior to exposure.

The Police will take your husbands guns into custody if you ask them to.

As for open marriage know this: the other woman husband is probably in an open marriage from what you described. He might be gay or biaexual or have girlfriends of his own. Most waywards WANT an open marriage. My wife wanted to be "roommates" similar to what your husband described. Even newt Gingrich had a wife ill with cancer and was havin an affair and wanted an open marriage. That is VERY COMMON desire among waywards.

Well, thanks for all the advice. I will use the HAS A PLAN, HAS THE MEANS tactic if I have to. He put the shotgun in my car. I may hide it somewhere 'off-site' if ya know what I mean. He is moving out. He is looking at condo/apts. I am glad because I have MS, walk with a cane, cannot pack to move, and I have two dogs that use a fenced in yard. It would be tough for me to walk them on a leash, since my right arm is numb and weak. It would be hard to find a rental that allows 2 dogs.

I never got to facebook tsunami everyone because he was next to me all weekend except for when I slept in the car. I have to say I am so glad he is leaving. My love bank is negative. It is VERY HARD to avoid Love Busters when he is being cruel and mean to ME since D-Day when HE had the affair. Waywards need a reality check.

He called her today supposedly to yell at her for lying to him about leaving her husband for him. Duh, she lies to her husband, she will lie to you.

Be prepared just in case he gets cold feet at the last moment when it's time to actually set foot out the door. You may need to insist that he leave. When it comes right down to it, what he most wants is both of you.

Get him out asap, and go into Plan B asap. Your own health is already delicate, and you will suffer far worse than the average BW if you put yourself through too much of this.

Guys, I need to brush up on Plan B. I will review my HNHN and AAA books.

Thank you all! I am psyched she has to deal with fallout at her end.

Even if they really do have an open M (GAG!!!) the fact that she hadn't told him yet means she didn't want him to know. Him knowing, even if he doesn't care, makes her uncomfortable. Her discomfort makes her want to lash out at WH, since he's somehow "responsible" for your actions.

That's why the whole spotlight thingy puts such pressure on the A just by being turned on. Suddenly they feel like everywhere they go, people are looking at them funny, whether they are or not. Exposure is a beautiful thing.

Lisa you need to copy her friends list into a word doc in case she blocks you.

Doing well honey, you're a fighter

Okay, he texted me and said his brother was not keen on him staying at his house after all. All his brothers appear to be disappointed in him. He is so pissed about that, too. What did ya expect?

So, I said what about your other brother? What about your parents? This showed him I mean business. He is staying at his parents and I saw on the phone records he was calling apartments. Good!

He left me a note:

Lisa,

I am very sorry I hurt you so badly and continue to do so. I'm taking this time to do a lot of thinking. I will stay here longer tomorrow evening after getting settled at my moms.

Um, no thanks.

I found Plan B in my Surviving an Affair book. I am going to write him the letter and inform him I need No Contact, if he is here visiting his daughter, great. I'll hole up in my room.

OF COURSE I put all their facebook people in a word doc. I'm brushing up on my Plan B. I have emailed the letter:

My Dearest WH:

I am very sorry for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with AP possible. I did not understand my responsibility in meeting all of your emotional needs.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that meet both of our emotional needs, but I cannot do this until you completely sever your relationship with AP once and for all.

Until then, I need to avoid seeing you or talking to you. You can come here any time you like to see DD or handle household issues, but I will give you space and keep my distance. I'm asking you to respect my decision to detach and separate from you this way. You must know how much pain and suffering I endure because of your relationship with AP. I can't socialize with you or fill in a' family member' gap knowing you are still communicating with AP and telling me how much you want to be single. I still love you, but cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from AP and commit to recovering our marriage and follow the measures to ensure total separation, I will be very willing to discuss our future together.


I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. I want us to be able to make each other happy, and there will not be a reason for us to separate.

I loved you on our wedding day and I love you to this day. I just cannot be with you or socialize with you as long as you are seeing/communicating with AP and telling me how you strongly desire to be unmarried.

With all my love,

Lisa

He's calling and texting if I want dinner. OMG.

I would caution against being home when he visits his DD. He can pick her up and go elsewhere.


Radio clip on open marriages.
Radio clip on open marriages
Segment #2

Some more.
Radio clip on open marriages

I would change the locks and tell him he needs to pick up his DD from the drive way. He doesn't need to be in the house.

In the meantime, I would check out this thread about the specifics of Plan B: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2482787#Post2482787

Lisa, the above sentence is not in line with Plan B. You are telling him he can come in the house and CONTACT you. That is contact. The opposite of Plan B.

He should not be in the house at all. And there should be NO CONTACT.

Who is your IM?

That isn't Plan B. Plan Bers have high castle walls the wayward can't jump over.

The wayward becomes desperate to 'break' Plan B without going through the proper channels using the intermediary.

Plan Bers change the locks. Drop kids off at a third partys house. Block on Facebook. Separate finances, Change email and phone. Refuse to hear news/messages/gossip of WH that doesn't come through intermediary.
Calls the cops if they show up.

You don't hole up in your room.

You create a WH free universe where he has no way to reach you without becoming repentant.

Check out the link in my sig.

He wrote back:

Thank you. Im in severe pain at the moment in my own way. I don't expect you to be understanding at all. I do appreciate you "leaving the door open" for me because obviously i haven't been thinking straight. When i can get to a better place we can talk about what this would take. I respect what you said here and will honor it.

At the moment im very sad and very unhappy. I need to get to a better place.

If i have questions about DD can i call or text?

Thank you

Love,
WH

Guys, he volunteered to leave the house with ME taking care of HIS daughter. I have MS and cannot move right now, because I would not leave without my dogs-and cannot find a place that allows 2 dogs. I can't shut him out and make his daughter very uncomfortable, she already said it's hostile here. He comes during the day and gets out by 5:30 pm, I am fine with that. I can also be scarce when he wants to come see her outside of that.

I cannot think of anyone who would be my IM. His family members want to get as far away from this as possible.

You wouldn't use HIS family members to act in your interests anyway. You would need someone on your side.

And if you don't want to go into Plan B - you won't have any need for one.

What you are proposing is Plan C. It causes ilness, stress, provides no healing and is most likely to cause divorce.

Dr H has written about Plan C and its dangers. The BS shouldn't even work in the same building as the WS.

You need a home that's YOURS and is safe. You can invite your stepdaughter to make her choice but ultimately there's no reason on earth for you to remain at the forefront of abuse from a wayward.



Good lord he's even thanking you for remaining 'open' to abuse.

He is addicted to getting needs met from two women.

You are half his drugs stash. You are the cake he gets to eat (via your Plan C text, email and banging down the door plan) and yet he gets to keep OW too! Its a waywards paradise!

He will use you up, spit you out and move on.

Please protect yourself.

Your stepdaughter is unlikely to want him around anyway once he becomes more wayward.

What if I tell him he must inform me when he is coming here so I can leave? He has to be able to see his daughter and I can't keep him from coming here. I am getting pre-approved for a small mortgate for a condo.

I am working toward getting the Eff out of here, but it's taking some time. It's a month since my D-day. I'm learning........

I responded:

Please text me when you are going to be here, so I can leave.


You can text me, but please do not call. Like I said, I need to detach emotionally and I cannot do it if we are communicating.

Lisa, since you can't go into Plan B, I would make plans to move out of there ASAP. What you propose is not Plan B and won't be effective.

Goodness, Lisa a wayward will never honour that.

He is an ADDICT

You are half his drugs stash.

Do you really think he will respect you and leave you alone?

He will hammer down the door when he wants you.

The concept of Plan B is to starve him of all the needs you meet AGAINST HIS WILL.

And you are asking his permission to do so?

I don't think you understand PlanB.

He will want to be in the house.

He will want to be in the home

He will want to be near his wife and daughter.

He will want YOU to continue meeting his DS need.

But you must DRAW A LINE.

And say 'you can't have this and OW too'

Otherwise you are just rewarding him.

If he wants to be single, he needs to get out and stay out and see how much he likes it.