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#2643424 07/08/12 06:16 AM
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I don�t share a lot but I will share some struggles going on right now. I have been married to The Beautiful One for 9 years, and we have been together for around 14 years.

My wife was laid off from her job of almost 10 years awhile back. This was a career that she loved and went to college specifically to be. She was able to obtain the same position at another facility. Because of the circumstances that happened at her first job, she was let go after being falsely accused. Fast forward and she�s having to jump through hoops to save her license and go through a ton of drama. This has caused us to love half of our six figure income. It has also caused her a lot of emotionally pain and anxiety and etc.

The one good side to this is she has enrolled back in school to finish a bachelors degree to go into either social work (which she really thinks she�d like) or go and teach college classes for the position in which she is licensed to work. She is also having to do a lot of meetings type stuff and other time consuming projects in order to keep her license. Sadly all of this because of false accusations and terrible guidance on certain decisions to make. Of course this is not helping as she takes medication for anxiety and bi polar.

I have just finished my masters and built an awesome resume and looking for something that pays more than teaching. In the meantime, I�ll be working on my educational administrative license and will be applicable to be hired as an asst principal next school year. As it is now, I am working early morning and some evenings as a 1-on-1 and small group fitness trainer, nutritional advisor and cardio kickboxing instructor. I�m reffing adult volleyball games alternating one evening a week one week and two evenings a week the following week. Granted the shift is only an hour and 15 minutes long. I�m also now reffing adult indoor soccer 1-2 nights a week. If that wasn�t enough, I�m asst coach for the high school volleyball team I teach at. Luckily right now, school is out so I get quite a bit of time with the kids and wife.

Essentially I�m trying to make it to where she can concentrate on her license and career needs and finish her bachelors without having to work. That�s the long story short.
Anyway, we haven�t really connected as much as we should the last couple weeks. I hand wrote this letter and will give it to her tomorrow. I�d like some of the ladies advice on if they think anything needs to be changed.

Here is my letter�


Dearest Beautiful One,
I cannot thank you enough for the text you sent me with a �thank you� for everything I do. If you do not remember that particular text, it is because I have sadly procrastinated in writing this letter. For that I apologize and am truly sorry for all the other times I have neglected in making you feel you weren�t the greatest, most cherished aspect of my life.

I want you to know I don�t consider any of what I do to be anything that every husband and father shouldn�t be doing. A man is not a man that doesn�t take care of his family in need. More than anything�well, maybe not anything�but something that is very important to me is to emulate those qualities that my Dad demonstrated. He is the one you should thank above all.

Honestly, one of the things I struggle with is feeling successful as a father and husband. I feel I should be able to provide more for you and the kiddos. While material objects are not overly important, I feel like you and our children deserve a nice home. I do not want to be in the situation where we have to tell the kids we can�t afford tickets to the water park or we have to ride in the hot car because we can�t afford to get the AC fixed. And we should never be in a situation in which we have to make arrangements on a utility bill because we have to buy tires or brakes. I know growing up, you had to live with a lack of stability whether it be having a place to live or if you have Christmas supper.

This is why I have been trying to find a different career. I want to provide for you and our children. And I want to be able to do this by myself. In other words, I never want whether you work or not to matter when it comes to financial stability.

I also want you to know that I don�t know what you go through emotionally. Please do know that I am sympathetic even though I do not show it at times. I�m sorry�beyond sorry when I have minimized how you feel. I know sometimes you struggle just to smile. It breaks my heart when you are sad. One of the hardest things I struggle with is not being able to take all your depression and sadness away.

I think back to so many years ago when I first captured that first glance of you and how captivated I became that I just couldn�t look away. Baby there�s not a day that goes by that I don�t just stop and stare and take my time admiring you.
I cannot thank you enough for you sharing your life with me and how honored I am to be your best friend and husband.

Yours in Love Forever,
Kilted Thrower


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Personally, I think it is a little dismissive of her 'thank you'. I thank my H all the time, and I would be offended if he told me he was just doing what a man does and I should instead thank his father.

A simple, "I still think about that text you sent thanking me. It builds me up everyday and makes me want to be the man you see me as. You are amazing." would do it for me.


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The first and last paragraph are good, though! smile


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Wow. With your busy schedule, how much UA time are you getting?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by CWMI
Personally, I think it is a little dismissive of her 'thank you'. I thank my H all the time, and I would be offended if he told me he was just doing what a man does and I should instead thank his father.

Hmmm...I see your point. I didn't mean it that way. Basically I'm saying my dad is the reason I'm the man I am today and a huge thanks goes to him for shaping me into who I am. I definately don't mean it that she has to go thank him verbally but I feel like my Dad deserves so much credit. I'm not sure if I'm wording that right. And I don't want to seem dismissive of her thank you. It's kinda like when she tells me she appreciates it when I help cook, clean, bathe the kids, etc. I feel like it's just something every father should do...it's part of the job so to speak.

Quote
A simple, "I still think about that text you sent thanking me. It builds me up everyday and makes me want to be the man you see me as. You are amazing." would do it for me.

Noted. I'll tweak it a bit to more of a thank you for the thank yous.


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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Wow. With your busy schedule, how much UA time are you getting?

Not enough.
Last week looked like
Mon:8-10pm UA
Tues: 12pm-4pm UA (took the kids to grandmas)
Fri: 6pm-Sat morning (took the kids to grandmas and got a hotel)
Sat: 8-10pm
So ~12 hours or more. I think it was around 2am on Sat morning when we finally actually went to sleep

This week was about the same but we didn't get a hotel on Friday night. We did take the kids to grandmas for the night though and we went out rock climbing (more RC really), drinks and dinner, and then back to the house where I read a portion of 50 Shades of Gray to her


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KT, you should thank your Dad! Imagine his pride if you sent him a handwritten letter telling him that your wife thanked you for everything you do for her, and you wanted to pass on the gratitude to him for helping to shape you into the man you are.


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Originally Posted by CWMI
KT, you should thank your Dad! Imagine his pride if you sent him a handwritten letter telling him that your wife thanked you for everything you do for her, and you wanted to pass on the gratitude to him for helping to shape you into the man you are.

I thought about just calling him. I'm super lazy when it comes to getting letters out. It actually feels pretty good to do some reflective writing. I used to write a lot. I have some published poetry. I was about 1/3 of a way through a novel before I started getting heavy into song writing and that seemed to take over.

Okay, any other thoughts on the letter? I'll throw out the whole it's my responsibility and thank my dad.


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KT, here's a little story for you: H and I had lunch with Dude the other week, and we were talking boating since we all have boats. I was talking about taking the kids, my sister, etc out during the week while H was working and how I would send him texts thanking him for working so hard to give us this life. Dude laughed and ribbed H, said, "Rubbing it in!" Then he said, "Wow, at least she says thank you instead of just expecting it!" (his now-ex was a golddigging hobag)

H BEAMED to have a grateful wife, and have that recognized by his friends.


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No, send a good old fashioned post letter! That way he can revisit it. Okay?


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Originally Posted by CWMI
No, send a good old fashioned post letter! That way he can revisit it. Okay?

Wait. When you say old fashioned, are you meaning like with an actual stamp and envelope or posting on his Facebook wall?


JK

Thanks for the advice


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You could always just poke him. He'll know what it means. Lol.


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Wow, love the letter, KT. I think you are doing the right thing by trying to make more money so she is not under so much pressure to contribute financially.

I also was concerned about your UA time when I was reading about all your activities. It sounds like you are aware of that issue, though. One way my H and I make sure we get our UA time is to sit down and schedule it out for the week.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by CWMI
You could always just poke him. He'll know what it means. Lol.

lol...so true!


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Originally Posted by kilted_thrower
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Wow. With your busy schedule, how much UA time are you getting?

Not enough.
Last week looked like
Mon:8-10pm UA
Tues: 12pm-4pm UA (took the kids to grandmas)
Fri: 6pm-Sat morning (took the kids to grandmas and got a hotel)
Sat: 8-10pm
So ~12 hours or more. I think it was around 2am on Sat morning when we finally actually went to sleep

This week was about the same but we didn't get a hotel on Friday night. We did take the kids to grandmas for the night though and we went out rock climbing (more RC really), drinks and dinner, and then back to the house where I read a portion of 50 Shades of Gray to her


So glad to hear you're aware of the UA time. Dr. H says to sit down and schedule it with your DW.

BTW, I loved the letter. I also like the idea of telling your father thank you.

Well done, my friend.


FWW/BW (me)
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Wow, love the letter, KT. I think you are doing the right thing by trying to make more money so she is not under so much pressure to contribute financially.

She was really trying to hustle to find employment. But everything that would work with her schedule right now were jobs that we did not like at all. For example, one job that wanted to hire her was her being a dispatcher for a trucking company. However, come to find she'd be working at night around only men and she'd be alone with men. Nope!

As the fall semester gets closer to starting, she's getting really excited about the options of horticulture, psychology with an emphasis in drug and alcohol counseling, and nursing instructor. It's really nice to see her excited and smiling. The extra work does sound like a lot. But like the volleyball reffing is only an hour and 15 minutes and I make $75 for that each time. Indoor reffing I can pretty much pick my games I want and it pays $25 for each match which is 55 minutes long. Most of the fitness training and nutritional consulting is done way early before anyone is up. And the nutritional stuff can mostly be done through emails with the clients.

Quote
I also was concerned about your UA time when I was reading about all your activities. It sounds like you are aware of that issue, though. One way my H and I make sure we get our UA time is to sit down and schedule it out for the week.

We've always been pretty big calendar people. So this is what we've been doign the last three weeks and it's worked great.


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Originally Posted by kilted_thrower
[
She was really trying to hustle to find employment. But everything that would work with her schedule right now were jobs that we did not like at all. For example, one job that wanted to hire her was her being a dispatcher for a trucking company. However, come to find she'd be working at night around only men and she'd be alone with men. Nope!

That is awesome that you choose careers in a way that puts your marriage first!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
That is awesome that you choose careers in a way that puts your marriage first!

Absolutely!

I had a realization when I was writing that letter. When I first came to MB, I was totally against having a stay-at-home wife. All I could think about was if we divorced she'd end up with alimony, etc etc etc.

Now after having really worked this program, that doesn't even cross my mind. All that paranoid, selfish thinking is gone. I konw now that we are both 100% invested in the success of our marriage. And now rather than having those paranoid 'she's out to get me' thoughts it's turned 180 degrees to 'what can I do on my part to best support my wife so she is successful which in turn will only strengthen the marriage. It's absolute bliss to be free of that negative thinking.


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KT,

It's a lovely letter. Can I suggest one tweak on this part:

"This is why I have been trying to find a different career. I want to provide for you and our children. And I want to be able to do this by myself. In other words, I never want whether you work or not to matter when it comes to financial stability."

Could you word it to say that you hope this will allow her to be able to make a decision that makes her the most happy career-wise?

I think this would be different for every woman and I don't know your wife but for me, as a woman who is career-oriented, it felt a little like you were saying that her contribution financially doesn't matter. I know that I like that my financial contribution matters, although I wouldn't mind it if my contribution was less necessary. This might be a non-issue for your wife, though.

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Originally Posted by kilted_thrower
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
That is awesome that you choose careers in a way that puts your marriage first!

Absolutely!

I had a realization when I was writing that letter. When I first came to MB, I was totally against having a stay-at-home wife. All I could think about was if we divorced she'd end up with alimony, etc etc etc.

Now after having really worked this program, that doesn't even cross my mind. All that paranoid, selfish thinking is gone. I konw now that we are both 100% invested in the success of our marriage. And now rather than having those paranoid 'she's out to get me' thoughts it's turned 180 degrees to 'what can I do on my part to best support my wife so she is successful which in turn will only strengthen the marriage. It's absolute bliss to be free of that negative thinking.


This is a great note. I feel that way, too, and I think we all hope our spouses feel that way after MB.

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