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kimono Offline OP
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So I'm 7 months on, just been thru angry stage, then I started actually missing my h when he wasnt home. But right now I feel like he's thinking he's had the chance to have a bit fun, got to try ex gf out as a woman & now he's safe back in marriage. is he going to think if he has another A that I'll just forget again? that what it feels like it would be.
right now I just wish I could stop having the reminders popping into my head at random times, while this keeps happening I feel like I wont be able to stay in the marriage(which scares the cr** out of me). I know details of the A, so I find it hard to repeat anything they did together. As well as I know he shaved back & other places for her,(for night in hotel,of course he denies it) which I like to be done as well. this hasnt been done since the A, how am I going to know if its for me & forget he had done it for her??? any suggestions??
I have to try hard for my daughters to keep things together


Me (BW): 35
WH: 36
Kids: DD7 and DD2
Married 11 years
D Day: 9 Dec 2011
Trying for recovery
Joined: Oct 2009
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kimono, how much UA time are you spending with your H each week?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Originally Posted By: kimono
So I'm 7 months on, just been thru angry stage, then I started actually missing my h when he wasnt home. But right now I feel like he's thinking he's had the chance to have a bit fun, got to try ex gf out as a woman & now he's safe back in marriage. is he going to think if he has another A that I'll just forget again? that what it feels like it would be.
right now I just wish I could stop having the reminders popping into my head at random times, while this keeps happening I feel like I wont be able to stay in the marriage(which scares the cr** out of me). I know details of the A, so I find it hard to repeat anything they did together. As well as I know he shaved back & other places for her,(for night in hotel,of course he denies it) which I like to be done as well. this hasnt been done since the A, how am I going to know if its for me & forget he had done it for her??? any suggestions??
I have to try hard for my daughters to keep things together


kimono, *are* you in recovery? it doesn't sound like your WH is remorseful, or making JC to you. and i echo the above Q: how much UA time are you getting?


fBW 49
xWH 55
DD 22
DDay 6/07
D 8/15
Letting Go
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Originally Posted By: kimono
So I'm 7 months on, just been thru angry stage, then I started actually missing my h when he wasnt home. But right now I feel like he's thinking he's had the chance to have a bit fun, got to try ex gf out as a woman & now he's safe back in marriage. is he going to think if he has another A that I'll just forget again? that what it feels like it would be.
right now I just wish I could stop having the reminders popping into my head at random times, while this keeps happening I feel like I wont be able to stay in the marriage(which scares the cr** out of me). I know details of the A, so I find it hard to repeat anything they did together. As well as I know he shaved back & other places for her,(for night in hotel,of course he denies it) which I like to be done as well. this hasnt been done since the A, how am I going to know if its for me & forget he had done it for her??? any suggestions??
I have to try hard for my daughters to keep things together




That's still anger, and you rattling off Disrespectful Judgements to yourself because of your anger.


How can you possibly know what he thinks and/or feels unless he tells you? Why would you torture yourself with such hypotheticals?


The important thing is for YOU to know you won't tolerate any further infidelity. You can, of course, let him know he'll be on the curb so fast his head will spin if he ever heads that direction again, but no need to constantly rub him with it.


Beyond that; see MB's question.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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kimono Offline OP
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we have each night after kids are in bed. what is JC?? I know I still hv anger why wouldnt I, I know I dont know what he is thinking thats the problem, otherwise I would know if he was thinking of someone else wouldnt I?? but I need to find a way to get thru my thoughts, to feel his actions are for me. so again suggestions on how any of u have dealt with that stage would be helpful.
He knows I could kick him to curb in a minute which is what I thought I would always do but a 2yro involved certainly changes things...............


Me (BW): 35
WH: 36
Kids: DD7 and DD2
Married 11 years
D Day: 9 Dec 2011
Trying for recovery
Joined: Nov 2010
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Excellent radio clip on this very issue.
Radio clip on how to get over my Husband's Affair
Originally Posted By: Dr.Harley
I approach the subject of forgiveness from the perspective of someone (me) who believes in forgiveness, but also believes that marriage should be fair. Since, in many cases, forgiveness is unfair, what should be done? As you will see in my responses to the three letters I've chosen, I support just compensation for some marital offenses, so I don't always recommend forgiveness. It should be an encouragement to those of you who have been feeling guilty about being unable to forgive and forget. But, at the same time, it should also encourage offenders, because the compensation I propose will earn you a terrific marriage, and it won't hurt at all.

Can't we just Forgive and Forget?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: kimono
we have each night after kids are in bed. what is JC?? I know I still hv anger why wouldnt I, I know I dont know what he is thinking thats the problem, otherwise I would know if he was thinking of someone else wouldnt I?? but I need to find a way to get thru my thoughts, to feel his actions are for me. so again suggestions on how any of u have dealt with that stage would be helpful.
He knows I could kick him to curb in a minute which is what I thought I would always do but a 2yro involved certainly changes things...............


ok, if you don't know what JC is, you're not working the programme. let's start at the beginning.

how did your WHs a end? IS it over? do you have NC, and have you verified it?


fBW 49
xWH 55
DD 22
DDay 6/07
D 8/15
Letting Go
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JC = Just Compensation. Have you read about it?


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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kimono Offline OP
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thank you brain hurts, that was a useful read


Me (BW): 35
WH: 36
Kids: DD7 and DD2
Married 11 years
D Day: 9 Dec 2011
Trying for recovery
Joined: Nov 2010
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Originally Posted By: kimono
thank you brain hurts, that was a useful read

You're welcome, my friend.

Were you able to listen to the radio clip also? It's so nice to hear Dr. H's words.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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kimono Offline OP
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no sorry I couldnt listen to radio clip, for some reason I am unable to. have had this problem in the past


Me (BW): 35
WH: 36
Kids: DD7 and DD2
Married 11 years
D Day: 9 Dec 2011
Trying for recovery
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,320
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Originally Posted By: kimono
no sorry I couldnt listen to radio clip, for some reason I am unable to. have had this problem in the past

Try downloading firefox.

If that doesn't work make sure you have an updated flash player downloaded.

Can you do this?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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kimono Offline OP
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It's a wierd feeling when wh goes out now( not that it happens much), so many questions & precautions. I'm hoping this feeling wont last forever, i really hope it gets easier, I dont want to spend the night wondering if theres anything to worry about. my h believes i should b able to trust him already, if he says he wont cheat again, then he wont. its funny the words u rememeber said to u during their a, they mean so little now


Me (BW): 35
WH: 36
Kids: DD7 and DD2
Married 11 years
D Day: 9 Dec 2011
Trying for recovery
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,320
Likes: 3
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Originally Posted By: kimono
It's a wierd feeling when wh goes out now( not that it happens much), so many questions & precautions. I'm hoping this feeling wont last forever, i really hope it gets easier, I dont want to spend the night wondering if theres anything to worry about. my h believes i should b able to trust him already, if he says he wont cheat again, then he wont. its funny the words u rememeber said to u during their a, they mean so little now

Are you still snooping to verify?

How much UA time are you getting? The Critical Importance of UA Time


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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kimono Offline OP
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oh yes I'm always looking, the eyes are wide open, as well calls & emails from work. hes constantly checking in with me


Me (BW): 35
WH: 36
Kids: DD7 and DD2
Married 11 years
D Day: 9 Dec 2011
Trying for recovery
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,320
Likes: 3
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Originally Posted By: kimono
oh yes I'm always looking, the eyes are wide open, as well calls & emails from work. hes constantly checking in with me

So how much UA time are you getting?

Are you meeting the 4 intimate ENs during this time? SF, Affection, IC and RC?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: Letty
Originally Posted By: kimono
we have each night after kids are in bed. what is JC?? I know I still hv anger why wouldnt I, I know I dont know what he is thinking thats the problem, otherwise I would know if he was thinking of someone else wouldnt I?? but I need to find a way to get thru my thoughts, to feel his actions are for me. so again suggestions on how any of u have dealt with that stage would be helpful.
He knows I could kick him to curb in a minute which is what I thought I would always do but a 2yro involved certainly changes things...............


ok, if you don't know what JC is, you're not working the programme. let's start at the beginning.

how did your WHs a end? IS it over? do you have NC, and have you verified it?


fBW 49
xWH 55
DD 22
DDay 6/07
D 8/15
Letting Go
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,153
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What you are going through is normal.

Do you have SAA?

This is our bible in our R. Skipping any steps will be disastrous.

Check out my thread and my W's, clearmind. Even under the best circumstances, R is very hard.

As a BS, best you can do is realize you can only control yourself. Having EP's is my insurance plan. Both of us on board with MB is the only way we are getting through this.

UA is the key to R. Minimum 20hrs a week is a MUST. I have had all the same challenges as you have. You are very early into R. Hope you realize that.

Feel free to ask me any questions you have and I will do my best to help through this difficult phase.

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Originally Posted By: kimono
It's a wierd feeling when wh goes out now( not that it happens much), so many questions & precautions. I'm hoping this feeling wont last forever, i really hope it gets easier, I dont want to spend the night wondering if theres anything to worry about. my h believes i should b able to trust him already, if he says he wont cheat again, then he wont. its funny the words u rememeber said to u during their a, they mean so little now


What do you mean 'when he goes out'? Is he going out without you in social situations that are not work related? like to the bars etc? Good lord I hope he has more respect for your feelings than that.

MB no no!!

No opposite sex friends, no time out without your spouse.

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Originally Posted By: kimono
It's a wierd feeling when wh goes out now( not that it happens much), so many questions & precautions. I'm hoping this feeling wont last forever, i really hope it gets easier, I dont want to spend the night wondering if theres anything to worry about. my h believes i should b able to trust him already, if he says he wont cheat again, then he wont. its funny the words u rememeber said to u during their a, they mean so little now
Where is your H going without you? You shouldn't HAVE to spend the night worrying - why are you in that position? Your H shouldn't be going out and leaving you at home to worry. That is extremely selfish of him.

Your H is also being selfish by saying that you should "trust" him now. He violated your trust in the worst possible way. His words are meaningless - he won't cheat again?? What, he has a crystal ball and can see all of his actions in the future?? He's already shown that he is capable of cheating. He can pinkie-swear and pledge an oath that he will be faithful, and that would mean nothing. He already pledged an oath to be faithful once - the day you married. He violated that oath, didn't he?

No, you shouldn't completely trust him. You never should have completely trusted him in the first place, but most of us here are guilty of too much trust in their spouse.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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