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#2648754 07/22/12 01:40 PM
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My husband and I have been married for 9 years. We have three children together and though it never seemed "happy" per se, we loved each other and that was enough. I learned to accept that there are certain emotional needs of mine that he will never change. But I still try my best to meet his needs, because that is what I hope he will do for me eventually. A few years ago I developed a medical condition that affects my ability to physically "satisfy him" as often as he would like (I still do, but not as much). While taking a medication for insomnia, I discovered that he had been taking it upon himself to get what he needs while I was too drugged and out of it to argue. That along with pornography (which has been an issue for years, I feel that it is a form of cheating). While many other women may say to their husbands "do what you want as long as you dont wake me up", I feel extremely violated and think this is one major thing that I should have control over. I addressed it and forgave it and put it in the past, until it happened again only weeks later. And also found out that there was a connection to when he was viewing pornography and could not control himself in the middle of the night. I have been sleeping in a different bed in another room for a few months now, hoping I can get over this and get things back to normal. But while I am doing my best, I find it extremely difficult to feel anything for him. I forgive him and can be friends with him, still joking around and acting as just good friends, but do not trust him in the married way. I agreed to try my best to make things work, but I feel nothing for him anymore. Is it possible to ever love someone again the same way after they lose it?

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I'm not going to try to address all that's going on here, but I can tell you that sleeping in separate rooms / separate beds is an express train to an affair (for one or both of you) and divorce. It's not addressing the problem between the two of you, it's only avoiding it.

When you're in a hole, step #1 is sometimes, stop digging.


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Originally Posted by IdoNowWhatToDo
My husband and I have been married for 9 years. We have three children together and though it never seemed "happy" per se, we loved each other and that was enough.

When you were in love at the start of your relationship, it was because you were each depositing enough love units to cross the threshold of romantic love. You were each meeting each others emotional needs.

In many marriages, these needs are neglected after the vows are made to care for each other for life. Then, to add further injury to the marriage relationship, one or both spouses begin to use love busters, which withdraw love units.

If enough love units are withdrawn, this can lead to feelings repulsion. A spouse will actually HATE being in the presence of the other.


Originally Posted by IdoNowWhatToDo
I learned to accept that there are certain emotional needs of mine that he will never change.

Can you identify your emotional needs? Have you and your H taken the EN questionnaire? Have you shared the answers with each other?

Originally Posted by IdoNowWhatToDo
But I still try my best to meet his needs, because that is what I hope he will do for me eventually.

Hope is not a plan. Does he know exactly what he needs to do to meet your needs? How does he plan to do this?

Do you know what your H's ENs? Does he say you meet them well?

Originally Posted by IdoNowWhatToDo
A few years ago I developed a medical condition that affects my ability to physically "satisfy him" as often as he would like (I still do, but not as much).

While taking a medication for insomnia, I discovered that he had been taking it upon himself to get what he needs while I was too drugged and out of it to argue. That along with pornography (which has been an issue for years, I feel that it is a form of cheating).

While many other women may say to their husbands "do what you want as long as you dont wake me up", I feel extremely violated and think this is one major thing that I should have control over.

Most women feel terribly offended when they discover porn and/or masturbation. Porn/masturbation is bad for a marital relationship. It creates a contrast effect. Also, over time, it trains the body's reflexes to respond a certain way, and this often leads to sexual problems such as premature ejaculation.

Originally Posted by IdoNowWhatToDo
I addressed it and forgave it and put it in the past, until it happened again only weeks later. And also found out that there was a connection to when he was viewing pornography and could not control himself in the middle of the night.

MB does not advocate "forgiveness" in this manner. Instead, forgiveness is EARNED. How would your H have EARNED your forgiveness? By ending his habit of masturbation. By eliminating the conditions that led to it. Same for porn. If he was viewing porn on the Internet, then that condition is eliminated.

For example, H can be on the computer only when you are in the room. Or there is no Internet at home.

Originally Posted by IdoNowWhatToDo
I have been sleeping in a different bed in another room for a few months now, hoping I can get over this and get things back to normal.

Bad idea to sleep in separate bedrooms. If your H has a high need for SF, and most men rate it as one of the top two needs, then sleeping apart is not meeting this need. You and your H need to use the POJA to reach agreement as to when and how often, you will make love with him. SF is a real need for most men. But the SF also needs to be enjoyable for you, so he would need to learn to be a good lover.

Originally Posted by IdoNowWhatToDo
But while I am doing my best, I find it extremely difficult to feel anything for him.

It's not in YOUR power to feel in love with your H. This is up to him. He needs to be depositing love units by meeting your ENs. This is what makes us feel in love. He also needs to be avoiding all love busters, including the independent behavior of masturbation and viewing porn, which is deeply offensive to you.

Originally Posted by IdoNowWhatToDo
I forgive him and can be friends with him, still joking around and acting as just good friends, but do not trust him in the married way. I agreed to try my best to make things work, but I feel nothing for him anymore. Is it possible to ever love someone again the same way after they lose it?

Remember, forgiveness is EARNED. Of course you don't trust your H. He hasn't earned that trust. And we shouldn't blindly trust anyway.

Bottom line is that YES, you and your H CAN build your marriage into a romantic passionate relationship, but it will take a lot of effort to learn new GOOD habits that deposit love units and end the bad habits that withdraw love units and destroy the love you have for each other.

Have you read all the articles on this website? If not, start here ---> Basic Concepts Summary

Marriage Builders is, hands down, the best program to build a great marriage. And I don't get paid for saying so. If you and your H follow it, you can have a really great marriage.

Keep in mind that about 60% of all marriages end in divorce. Twenty percent are permanently estranged, and another 20% are unhappy but just kind of "hangin' in there. Only about 20% of all marriages describe themselves as happy ones! This is from Harley's research.

If you are both on board with MB, you should get the book "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" and the accompanying workbook "Five Steps to Romantic Love." FILSIL is an overview of the entire philosophy of MB. For more in depth reading, His Needs, Her Needs for Parents covers the ENs in depth, specifically addressing the needs of couples with children. "Love Busters" is an in depth look at the ways love is destroyed.

The books can all be purchased inexpensively and are well worth the cost and the time.

In the meantime, there are many many good articles in the website.

Here's a good one to start with: What's Wrong with Unconditional Love? (Part 1)


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While taking a medication for insomnia, I discovered that he had been taking it upon himself to get what he needs while I was too drugged and out of it to argue.

Are you saying that he has raped you?

If you are drugged and not able to consent that is rape.

A couple years ago there was a poster on here that happened to and her husband was videoing it and posting it on pornographic sites.


My first reaction would not be to work on the marriage...it would be to address this type of criminal violation.

But...that's just me. <shrug>

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Oh, I thought she meant her H was masturbating. I didn't realize it could also mean sex without her consent.

Which one is it?


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Yes, that is correct. I do not want it to be a criminal ordeal, but i started sleeping in the other room mainly for that reason. Not as a way to avoid the relationship, but I am unable to sleep with him next to me anymore. We addressed this as a serious issue, and he wants to work on it, but I cannot stand to be touched by him anymore. I just want to get past this and move on, for the sake of the children. He is a fantastic father. I don't want my problems to get in the way of that and take them away from him.
We have taken the emotional needs questionnaire (or I have, i should say, eventually after the first few pages, he got bored with it and asked me to answer the questions for him in my opinion of him)... I have spelled out my emotional needs as clearly as I possibly can, but he does not really seem to care or comprehend that they are "needs" not wants. he is not a book person, so he refuses to read any books that could help us. So I guess I should ask if it is a lost cause or if it is worth making myself blue in the face trying to work through it all if it is 90% only me working on it.

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That is also correct. Both are the big problems.


Originally Posted by LongWayFromHome
Oh, I thought she meant her H was masturbating. I didn't realize it could also mean sex without her consent.

Which one is it?

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You're not in love because you've been sexually assaulted by him.

MB does not endorse trying to actively recover a marriage where a woman is sleeping separate from him due to fear of sexual assault.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8111_quit2.html
When to Call It Quits

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Originally Posted by alis
You're not in love because you've been sexually assaulted by him.

MB does not endorse trying to actively recover a marriage where a woman is sleeping separate from him due to fear of sexual assault.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8111_quit2.html
When to Call It Quits

I would also strongly encourage you to read the above article. What you have described to me is as bad as severe physical abuse that would make you fear for your life. You should not have to feel afraid in your own home.


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