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#2656141 08/14/12 08:58 AM
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I am here at the request (coersion?) of my husband. He told me to simply present one major issue. I will do that but only after stating that my husband subjected me to more than a decade of angry outbursts.

Almost 16 years ago, six weeks into our engagement, at a company Christmas Party (we both worked there), I left my husband to get us both a drink (beer). In my husband�s words, it was the happiest night of his life as he was publicly sharing our engagement and dancing with me. When I left my fianc� (now my husband) I stopped and began chatting with some other people. I ended up sitting down at another table and soon enough my ex-lover sat down beside me. I don�t remember a lot (I had drank several beers) but apparently I began to talk exclusively with my ex-lover. The talk went on for twenty plus minutes. Finally, my fianc� came over and asked me to dance. At the end of one dance I again left him (my fianc�) and returned to sit down and talk to my ex-lover. Three minutes later my fianc�) again returned to ask me to dance. During this dance with my fianc� I began to talk again with my ex-lover about getting a ride home for a drunken friend. As you might imagine, my fianc� and I ended the evening with a near break-up. My fianc� was suicidal. I apologized as much as I could.

I will ashamedly tell you that I became involved with this ex-lover while I was married to my first husband. I left my first husband and divorced while in a relationship with this man. My fianc� was aware of this history. Despite a near break up after this incident.

For several years there-after, my now husband experienced flashbacks and emotional trauma, the whole fight or flight thing whenever something triggered his memory. Recently he has explained to me that while he no longer feels the pain of this memory, he has not forgotten it and he tells me whenever I do something (such as lie to him by omitting information for example) that triggers the memory, he still feels the pain. He tells me that this incident during our engagement i the worst mental pain he has ever, known. I have begged him to get help to get over this but he has not gotten over it.

Two weeks into our marriage my husband found a Valentines card with a rather over the top level of personal sentiment written to me by a former boss. I have considered this boss a friend for years, I worked with him for 13 years before meeting my husband. I never thought of him in a sexual way but he was like the big brother I never had. My husband was very upset when he found the Valentine that I had saved. He told me that I had lied to him about my �friend.� Furthermore, my husband of two weeks demanded that I have no further in person contact with this former boss. I cried a lot about it and reluctantly complied. My husband also sent this man a letter and told him that he would send this �friend� of mine�s wife a copy of the Valentine Card if he ever saw me in person in the future. I cried to my husband when I learned this.

Today, 15 years later, my husband is asking me to come to marriage builders and ask for direction. He states that I obviously had an emotional affair with my boss and that I have refused our entire marriage to make a clean break with this man. He states that the fact that this former boss is the brother of my ex-lover (whom I left my first husband for) is strange in and of itself. I will note that my ex-lover was a known severe alcoholic when I began seeing him.

Go back three years and my husband actually tape recorded me trash talking about him to my mother, and to my best friend. I was angry at my husband as he had at that time told me that I needed to write a no contact letter to my former boss. I had visited my former boss�s home to deliver a 25th wedding anniversary present several years earlier. My husband found several phone calls from me to my former boss on our phone bill. I had only called the man to ask for help on a project I was working on. He (my former boss) did not eventually help me.

My husband also tape recorded me talking about the fact that I did not want buddy help for my project but that there was a man I respected who I went to instead who made me feel good and that I needed to feel good, and that I needed him then because there were so many things going wrong in my life. I have told my husband that I do not know who I was talking about and that I have not had an affair. My husband does not believe me.

Now my husband states that he does not feel safe in our marriage and that if I do not learn about boundaries, and that if I do not learn to feel empathy for the pain he has been in since the second week of our marriage that he will leave. He states this is not a threat but rather a simple unwillingness on his part to live in constant fear of my failure to honor and believe in the need for boundaries for our marriage. I don�t believe I have done anything wrong and I have not had an affair. He is welcome to polygraph me on that issue.

I have also admitted to my husband that I engaged in telephone and e-mail correspondence with another man who was family friend of my parents. This man is now deceased, and was older than I. For me, my relationship with this man was sort of counseling. I did confide marital issues with him. My husband states that this relationship was an emotional affair. I was never interested in this man sexually. This relationship occurred between 2005 and 2010. I told my husband about it a month after the man died.

Recently I have had an old next door neighbor (while growing up and in highschool) send me a face book compliment (my husband calls it hitting on me) �I love your new haircut�
My husband was very unsettled and upset about the comment and asked me to back him off. My husband stumbled upon the facebook message because I left the computer open and I had not told my husband about it. I simply ignored the comment and my husband�s request for me to send the man a �gentle, tactful back off message.� This summer I received many happy birthday messages on facebook. This same old next door neighbor sent me an elaborate electronic birthday card. I ignored it. I did not tell my husband about it but again, my husband found the card. My husband again asked that I do something to push away the unwanted attention of this single, widowed man. (I was a bridesmaid to his wife when he was married). My husband also found this man�s cell phone number on my old cell phone (I removed it when I changed phones two years ago).

Last week I chose to use a neighbor across the street (a man who is a professional handyman) to help me and our 13 year old son put up a gazebo in our back yard that I knew my husband did not want built. My husband tells me that by keeping a secret with this man across the street for a week, that I again lied to him and that I have now used a neighbor (whom we have socialized with) to keep secrets from him. I think my husband is virtually paranoid. My husband wants to never have anything to do socially with the man across the street now (I note the handyman did not know I had not told my husband I was going to use him to erect the gazeebo). And my husband says that little omissions on my part like not telling him I was going to pay to erect the gazebo are all it takes to trigger all his fear and pain. He says it is not enough for me to say I am sorry or to promise to do what he says. My husband states that if I don�t actually agree with the values involved in protecting a marriage from opposite sex friends that there is no hope for us.

I think my husband is very jealous and controlling and that he needs help. His angry outbursts over the years have been very damaging to our marriage. I will admit that he has done something about them in the last three years.

So I am here, reluctantly, but I am here. I would rather take my husband to a therapist and tell them that my husband cannot get over these things and that he dwells and dwells on them. My husband says that coming here to this forum is the step I need to take.

Me 50
He 57
Son 13



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People like yourself who are prone to Independent Behavior often throw down the controlling card when confronted with the error of their ways.

People who are trying to have an honest marriage without secrets or independent behavior get MAD when they are accused of being controlling for wanting honesty and agreements.

You do need to shore up your boundaries around men--delete all non-relative males from your FB account, stop asking other men for help, and set up a polygraph for yourself.

Discuss doing the online program here with direct help from Dr. H if you don't come out of your fog soon and can't see that your H is trying to protect your marriage while you seem hell-bent on destroying it.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
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While your husband should not be having angry outbursts, your lack of respect for him is glaringly obvious.

If your husband has a problem with your being in contact with certain men, you should have absolutely no contact with them.

You should NEVER be sharing any personal or marital information with any man other than your husband.

With your past history of disrespecting your husband, it will take a very long time to rebuild your trust, so you should eliminate all male friends from your FB. Actually, you should change your FB page to a joint one with your husband, and he should have complete access to it...withOUT your deleting anything on it. Your husband should also have complete access to your phone and the phone records anytime he wants.

As for the gazebo, you state that your husband did not want it built. Why, then, did you go behind his back to build it?

Examine yourself, and quit putting all the blame on your husband. You own your share of the problems.


"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"

BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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Your thread is very disrespectful to your husband and marriage.

It seems you have a lifelong pattern/belief that these things you do - keeping in contact with men when it upsets your husband - is normal, okay, and acceptable. You have already committed adultery in your first marriage. You have a serious problematic pattern here and he's not dumb.

We're here to tell you that these things are NOT okay.

You want to take your husband to a therapist to tell him that's he's being over the top and insecure? To be quiet? To put up with your consistent independent behaviours?

Your husband should start his own thread.

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You spent 20 min talking to an ex lover in public and this has given your husband anxiety? Are you sure that you're being completely honest here?

You should never bad mouth a spouse to anyone... Not even a parent.

If a spouse is jealous, it is usually because the other spouse is doing things to give concern.


Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)

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Yes, kt, it was the lover, then the ex-boss, then the old neighbor, and then the new neighbor, and also there was a man who she doesn't remember who he was. Also, the old family friend. Probably she missed some, but let's give her the benefit of the doubt, eh, that there were only 6 men she went behind her H's back to correspond with/get help from/allow to counsel her, okay?

Six is a LOT!

The polygraph she is scheduling will out any others.


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Originally Posted by TheFlowerGirl
I think my husband is very jealous and controlling and that he needs help. His angry outbursts over the years have been very damaging to our marriage. I will admit that he has done something about them in the last three years.


It is not unreasonable to ask you to stop with the other guys. It is called boundaries...and all healthy marriages have them and respect them.


Why would you go behind his back and have the next door neighbor build a gazebo that your DH did not want? I'm trying to get my head around that one. Surely you knew that it would cause conflict ..did you think that maybe DH wouldn't notice the new gazebo or did you just not care about DH's feelings? Honestly, think about it. It was spitting in his face. How would you feel in his shoes? Would you feel loved and cared for?


Your DH is working on cleaning up his side of the street (i.e angry outbursts.) Are you willing to work on cleaning up your side?


A marriage is about loving, caring, and protecting your spouse and their feelings. MB can help both of you but only if both of you are open and committed to it.


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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I don't understand why I have to give up my friends when I have not done anything wrong! What is wrong with me having a neighbor help me erect a Gazeebo. I didn't promise my husband that I wouldn't put it up. I just knew he didn't want to do it.
What is wrong with me getting compliments? I didn't ask for them and I didn't respond to them.
Why can't I have friends at work or when I am at school? Just because the friends are male? That doesn't make sense. I am not sleeping with them!
My husband was seriously broken by his first wife who cheated on him with his best friend. I get all the blame.... He is punishing me for what his first wife did!
I didn't have an affair!

Me 50
He 57
Son 13

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I see you bucking, understandably, against your H's demand that you adopt the values of protecting your marriage against opposite-sex friends. I actually agree with you if what you are saying is that he wants you to be as offended, instantly, at your behavior as he has been.

He can't demand that you change your feelings. He can request that you change your behavior, though, and lay out consequences which are natural. It is a natural consequence of disregarding protection of your marriage to lose that marriage.

Please read through the basic concepts, and come back with questions, especially any oppositions to them.


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Just wanted to say .. firstly .. to the OP. I feel you are speaking like an entitled wayward wife and feel you should really have a good read around here. (basics, Q&A, ARticles)

I feel you also sounded like my wife did when she was defending herself (before she got on board with MB) and stating that she was allowed to have conversations with whom ever she pleases and it was none of my business.

If your hubby went out and did something you asked him not to do .. I bet you would be pretty upset towards him and feel unloved and somewhat betrayed.

To the readers; I believe her hubby may already be here .. I have a faint memory of reading something similar as what the OP describes in regards to the dinner party incident.

If your hubby already here? If so . .whats his username?

Stick around ... read all you can ... you will find that MB benefits BOTH of you. Feel free to read my story. Heck go read my wifes thread (mrsniceguy) she explains it rather well how she felt before and after implementing MB.

MNG


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What is wrong with hurting your spouse?

Can you answer that one?

Are your male friends more important than your H?


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Markos' Wife
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What to do with an Angry Husband

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Are you willing to do whatever it takes to save your marriage?


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My husband states that if I don�t actually agree with the values involved in protecting a marriage from opposite sex friends that there is no hope for us.
He's right.

Does your husband post here?


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I don't understand why I have to give up my friends when I have not done anything wrong! What is wrong with me having a neighbor help me erect a Gazeebo. I didn't promise my husband that I wouldn't put it up. I just knew he didn't want to do it.
It's called independant behavior, and it is destructive to marriages. Take some time and read the basic concepts.

Quote
Why can't I have friends at work or when I am at school? Just because the friends are male? That doesn't make sense. I am not sleeping with them!
Because it is offensive to your husband, and destructive to your marriage.

Quote
My husband was seriously broken by his first wife who cheated on him with his best friend. I get all the blame.... He is punishing me for what his first wife did!
No, YOU are blaming his first wife, and refusing to take responsibility for your own actions.

Quote
I didn't have an affair!
Yes, Hon, you did.


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About the gazebo, you should always ask your spouse how they feel about things before you do them. It's not asking for permission; it's taking their feelings into consideration.

If there are things you are doing that are upsetting your husband, you stop doing those things.


Husband (me) 39
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I am here at the request (coersion?) of my husband.
Your flippant attitude tells me that you are NOT willing to do whatever it takes to save your marriage.

The fact that you have no respect for boundaries whatsoever tells me that you are very dangerous to remain married to. If you do not take action to change your behavior soon, I would recommend your husband file for divorce.

Are there any children you are subjecting to this?


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Originally Posted by Prisca
Quote
My husband states that if I don�t actually agree with the values involved in protecting a marriage from opposite sex friends that there is no hope for us.
He's right.

Technically, if you don't agree, you can still save your marriage if you do it anyway.

Look at it this way: you and your husband live with each other by invitation only. If you want him to continue to be willing to be married to you, then you are going to have to make some changes.

The good news is that the changes are going to result in a much more fulfilling marriage for both of you.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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TFG: It would be a really good idea for you to spend some time exploring the MB website. Pay particular attention to the basic concepts. Better yet, get copies of "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Lovebusters" and read through them with your spouse. If you educate yourself, then you will understand the answers to your questions.
Originally Posted by TheFlowerGirl
I don't understand why I have to give up my friends when I have not done anything wrong! What is wrong with me having a neighbor help me erect a Gazeebo. I didn't promise my husband that I wouldn't put it up. I just knew he didn't want to do it.
You need to familiarize yourself with the Policy of Joint Agreement.
Originally Posted by TheFlowerGirl
What is wrong with me getting compliments? I didn't ask for them and I didn't respond to them.
Why can't I have friends at work or when I am at school? Just because the friends are male? That doesn't make sense. I am not sleeping with them!
You are maintaining active Love Bank accounts for members of the opposite sex. This makes you vulnerable to affairs. Many people would consider keeping a Valentines Card as a strong sign of an Emotional Affair, which is just as deadly to your marriage as sleeping with the man.
Originally Posted by TheFlowerGirl
My husband was seriously broken by his first wife who cheated on him with his best friend. I get all the blame.... He is punishing me for what his first wife did!
I didn't have an affair!
You are engaging in blameshifting and gaslighting.

Please take the time and become a student of the MB concepts.

Last edited by mrEureka; 08/14/12 10:51 AM.

me-65
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DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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I believe this is a 15-16 year marriage with 13 year old son.

TheFlowerGirl,

You had an affair in your previous marriage. You have had an emotional affair in your current one. Please understand that "affair" does not mean you have to be in love and have sex with another man. It is about letting another man (or men) meet the needs that are for your husband.

As a woman who has already demonstrated poor boundaries, it is unfair to your husband and inconsiderate to insist you are entitled to male friendships. There billions of women on this planet, and I'm sure thousands within your surrounding home, who can provide you friendship without making your husband feel upset.

You have a consistent pattern of wanting admiration from other men - do you not realize this? Do you think it is appropriate to seek admiration from men other than your husband, especially when he is hurt by it?

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