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ITA with Kayc. Don't commit to anything financially. You need to get legal help.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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yep - you need a lawyer asap. don't let his seemingly "willing" attitude fool you, because fooling you is what he's hoping to do. his email to you made all the little redflag hairs on my body stand straight up!

they always come across as "nice" in the beginning when they think they can still screw you over. and then they turn around and knife you in the back. get to a lawyer asap and get yourself protected.

you're a smart girl, lew, and you've done amazing so far. keep up the good work!


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DDay 6/07
D 8/15
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Originally Posted by Letty
yep - you need a lawyer asap. don't let his seemingly "willing" attitude fool you, because fooling you is what he's hoping to do. his email to you made all the little redflag hairs on my body stand straight up!

they always come across as "nice" in the beginning when they think they can still screw you over. and then they turn around and knife you in the back. get to a lawyer asap and get yourself protected.

you're a smart girl, lew, and you've done amazing so far. keep up the good work!

Ditto.

His motives aren't so pure. There's a reason for this and he's looking ten steps ahead trying to head off a problem. Likely, he has someone telling him to move these cars.


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He's very angry this morning. He still refuses to talk to me on the phone or see me in person (I haven't tried, but he keeps reminding me that he doesn't want to see me). He's sent me several very angry texts this morning, wanting me to hurry up and tell him what to do. He's probably come to realize that without my income, he's really going to struggle. I make more than twice what he makes. I figure that's why he stayed around so long; he didn't want to give up his lifestyle and "stuff".

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I love reading wayward scribblings .... My translation in red

I don't want to argue, fuss, or fight right now. I just want to tell you what to do, then you do it without comment.

I am writing to ask you about a time that I can come over and get some of my things. (Clothes, toothbrush, etc) I can't afford a new toothbrush, and the OW won't buy me one.

I do not want a confrontation I want to be in control, so please let me know when I can come by, be by myself to get some essentials, and leave. Let me know when you are out of the house so I can ransack it and go through everything.

As far as everything else goes, I ask that you please let me send the two cars I got from Hoss back to him. (Ugly Bob, and the '55 in the garage) They were gifts from him, and I would really appreciate if I could just give those two back to him. I'm going to need some collateral.

Also, I ask that you let me send the titles to Donnie and Juniors cars back to SC, and we not fight over those. They have value and I could use the money.

Those two cars have been a close part of my family since I was too little to remember, and it would just be wrong to seperate them from the family... dramaqueen You remember family, right? Family is sooooooooooooo important to me. I'm a good & decent family man. Don't forget that. I'm just not into our family. Besides, OW would look good riding in those cars next to me.


And if I can just keep the Toyota truck to have something to drive back and forth to work. dramaqueen Poor, poor pitiful me. Such a sacrifice I am making here. Besides, I know where your *buttons* are and I am going to play you like a violin.

All the rest you can either keep, sell, crush, or do as you see fit. Once I have taken the valuable cars, you can keep the crushable ones. See what a nice guy I am being here?

If you would allow me to, I could still try to sell some of them to recover some money to pay off the credit cards, etc, but that is up to you.. And it you don't sell some of our family stuff, I will abandon the debt and leave you to deal with it. The choice is yours, because I am a nice guy, remember?

If you'll agree to this, in exchange, i'll liquidate my stock money, and give you the biggest portion of it. You trust me, right? I would never lie to you or try to manipulate you ..... ever!!! Scout's honor!


There should be roughly $6,500 in there before the taxes and penalties, and if I could keep maybe 10% or so of it to get by with, you can have the rest towards bills. Because, I am leaving the bills, but taking the cars of value. You understand.


Also, i'll continue to direct deposit half of my check into your account, keeping just enough to live on and get by with until the divorce is final. Scout's honor! Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye if I am lying. TRUST me, babe.

I don't think I'm asking too much, (because I know how to make myself look generous when I am on the take) and though I know you are really upset and mad right now (that's why I think I can bamboozle you more easily), I do NOT want to talk about this in person, or on the phone, because that would be treating you like a human being, and right now you are nothing more than someTHING I need to manipulate so I can live out my fantasy consequence-free!!!.

I know our conversations will just turn into arguments because you will have an opinion I don't want to hear,

and that will not be good for either of us now, especially me..

We just need to settle this and move on. And by moving on, I mean you sacrifice everything you've come to love and rely on and I walk away with my floozy, not ever having to hear how heartbroken you are, so I can pretend I am a good guy.

I cannot let go of what I've done to you, and I definitely want to let it go, which is why I cannot face the truth of your heartbreak. That might take the luster off of my good guy self image. Why can't you just go away and leave me everything. Wouldn't that be easier??? PLEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZE !!!

and you DO deserve better. And by better, I mean better than keeping the expensive cars we collected as a couple.

I am really sorry this all worked out this way, because things are not my fault. They are your fault, naturally. I am sorry you ruined things.I never ruin things because I am a good guy,

but like I told you last night, I've finally realized that this was about me, not you. Me being selfish and so immature I can't face my WIFE. But, I am a good guy anyway.


I'm the one that will have to answer for this in the long run, so let's just let this go, and not do anymore damage to each other than has already been done..And by "damage" I mean .... facing the truth of the matter and me facing consequences.

I will await your reply... In my protective nice guy bubble.

banghead

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Originally Posted by LewSully
He's very angry this morning. He still refuses to talk to me on the phone or see me in person (I haven't tried, but he keeps reminding me that he doesn't want to see me). He's sent me several very angry texts this morning, wanting me to hurry up and tell him what to do. He's probably come to realize that without my income, he's really going to struggle. I make more than twice what he makes. I figure that's why he stayed around so long; he didn't want to give up his lifestyle and "stuff".

Here is my advice:

Radio silence.
Allow him to get angrier and angrier in texts and emails. Frustrate him with silence.

KEEP EVERY MESSAGE in a special file. You may need it.

If he wants something, he will need to face you like a man.

If he does show up, you SMILE, you are mostly QUIET.
You give the briefest of brief NEUTRAL responses.
You keep a calm relaxed facial expression (practice in the mirror) and you never allow your body language to betray Plan A.

You remember these .....
"I'm still thinking this over."
"I have not decided."
"Thanks for your input."
"Do you think that is best for both of us?"
etc etc etc

NEVER explain your actions.
If you need to .... say
"I'm confused."
"I'm in pain."
"I'm working to understand."
"I'm in shock and need time."

Put his "personal crap" in a very nice bag. Like a sports bag. Hand it over to him, in person.

Now, the most important advice ~~~> CHANGE THE LOCKS ON THE HOUSE. Do not forget to secure the garage. New locks. Change the access code.
Take the pink slips to every vehicle and give them to a trusted family member to hold. Don't leave them in the house. Or, get a bank security box and put important stuff in there. If you have WH's passport or birth certificate, stash those away as well.

See how busy you are about to be.

You dance like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

NICE as pie in person .... busy as a beaver when he's not expecting that.

hurray


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And for fun .... do you REALLY think he has not BRUSHED HIS TEETH since he left?
Is his beloved used toothbrush gold-plated or something? Encrusted with diamonds maybe?

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Take the toothbrush and scrub the shower corners with it.
Then, put it back on the holder.
SMILE, you are going to be fine. I PROMISE.
There will be tough awful times ahead, but you will be fine.


Last edited by Pepperband; 08/16/12 10:01 AM.
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From "The art of war" thread ........

Originally Posted by Pepperband
Force is the control of the balance of power, in accordance with advantages.

In Plan A ... the BS restores their power to affect change. Plan A gives the BS an advantage with their intimate knowledge of their spouse's ENs.

Warfare is the Way of deception.

Deception meaning .... showing more strength than you might possess at that given time ! Hiding your weaknesses. Plan A ... not begging, crying, pleading ... standing tall and presenting a self ready to battle & fight for the marriage.

Therefore, if able, appear unable,

Plan A ... let your WS provide you with things that save your energy for future need.

if active, appear not active,

When snooping about like a squirrel searching for seeds of the affair, appear calm & serene ... Plan A snooping is done quietly & without announcing >>> "Ah-Ha ... Look what I found !". Be stealth.

if near, appear far,

Plan A ... keep your WS guessing where you are.

if far, appear near.

What seems just out of reach is sometimes more attractive. What seems a sure thing, is taken for granted.

If they have advantage, entice them;

Offer the WS goodies ... as in meet their ENs.

if they are confused, take them,

Plan A is confusing to the WS. They would prefer the BS appear ugly & unattractive in order to justify their cheating. It is confusing for the WS to see an attractive BS.

if they are substantial, prepare for them,

Plan A ... get all your ducks lined up. Legal preparations. Financial preparations. Spiritual preparations. Etc.

if they are strong, avoid them,

Plan A is not plan doormat. They can wipe their feet elsewhere, but not on your back. Accepting abuse is not an attractive trait.

if they are angry, disturb them,

LOL .... this is precicely Orchid's "reverse babble" .... The WS speaks with foggy tongue, disturb them with O's reverse babble.

if they are humble, make them haughty,

If the WS is over-confident, they become sloppy & make errors.

if they are relaxed, toil them,

Keeping an affair going is exhausting to the WS. It's like a juggling act. Throw the WS another ball to keep in the air. The affair will fall when the juggler becomes exhausted by the added effort.

if they are united, separate them.

Do not become the fool that encourages both the WS and the OP to join forces. If you act insane during Plan A, they have a common enemy to fight ~~~> YOU !

Attack where they are not prepared, go out to where they do not expect.

Do the UNexpected in Plan A. Keep the WS guessing & wondering.

This specialized warfare leads to victory, and may not be transmitted beforehand.

Do not give away your plans.... do not show the WS your books. Do not invite the WS to this site. Stealth.

Before doing battle, in the temple one calculates and will win, because many calculations were made

Plan ... you must have a Plan or you will suffer & be defeated.

before doing battle, in the temple one calculates and will not win, because few calculations were made

Don't waste time flailing about .... get organized & recruit helpers.

many calculations, victory, few calculations, no victory, then how much less so when no calculations

Do not proceed by your feelings alone. Develop your plan.

By means of these, I can observe them, beholding victory or defeat!

The BS who refuse to develop & follow a plan, are most likely to fail.

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Originally Posted by Pepperband
I do not want a confrontation I want to be in control, so please let me know when I can come by, be by myself to get some essentials, and leave. Let me know when you are out of the house so I can ransack it and go through everything.

Make sure that

1. You remove anything of value that you don't want him to take--jewelry, guns, your family heirlooms, etc.

2. Someone is in that house watching him as he gathers his toothbrush.

3. Dry off his toothbrush after cleaning the shower with it. Don't want to give that away!


Me (BH)
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Oh, Pepper-that made me laugh. Thanks!

And I think you're absolutely right. He did say I could have one valuable car, but of course, we still owe $26,000 on that one.

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Originally Posted by LewSully
Oh, Pepper-that made me laugh. Thanks!

And I think you're absolutely right. He did say I could have one valuable car, but of course, we still owe $26,000 on that one.

It is funny and it is also TRUE.

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Lew .... It is plausible that OW may be afraid of you being alone with your WH. OW are famous for being insecure. WH's reluctance to see you in person may be WH obeying orders! Would not be the first time.

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And Lew .....

This comment is a huge red redflag

Quote
let me know when I can come by, be by myself to get some essentials, and leave

Now, why would he need to be alone in the house?
He's sneaky.

Remember .... make ZERO replies or comments to his texts and emails.
If he calls you, offer to meet him for coffee.
If he says "No." You respond. "OK. Let me know when that is possible. I've got things to do. Talk later. By honey." END THE CALL there.

Last edited by Pepperband; 08/16/12 10:35 AM.
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You are in Plan A.
No fighting or arguing.
Your self control will empower you and frustrate him.
EXCELLENT !!!

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I definitely like the idea of changing the locks. That gives me some control back. If I don't do that, he'll just wait until I go to work and come on over.

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Remember, it's no longer WH's rodeo .... it's yours.
See an attorney ASAP. Know exactly what the legal perameters are.
DO NOT ASK THE ATTORNEY ABOUT CHANGING THE LOCKS. Just do it. You're worried about break-in and home invasion robberies, right? Send an email to one of your friends that says you are worried. (Call her first to set her straight) But put your legitimate safety concerns IN WRITING.

If WH gets MAD about the locks, you know he's trying to sneak in.

In person or on the phone, you reply:

"I need to keep myself safe now that you have left my home."

Do not reply to anything unless it is by phone or in person.

Call it "my home" not our house.

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Originally Posted by LewSully
I definitely like the idea of changing the locks. That gives me some control back. If I don't do that, he'll just wait until I go to work and come on over.

You are in PLAN A.
It is not necessary for you to enjoy or like everything you will be doing.
Keep your eye on the prize.

Your marriage might be salvageable, but not if you lose control.

Keep your "Taker" happy while in Plan A. Not with unhealthy food, but with other things you enjoy. Reading? Writing? Art? Craft? Friends? Dance? Exercise? Pedicure? New hair color?

Plan A is a P.L.A.N. not always something pleasant.

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Originally Posted by Pepperband
Keep your "Taker" happy while in Plan A. Not with unhealthy food, but with other things you enjoy. Reading? Writing? Art? Craft? Friends? Dance? Exercise? Pedicure? New hair color?

I hadn't thought about that. I hadn't thought about my "Taker" at all. Right now all I want to do is lay on the couch and cry. But my friends are inviting me to come over to their houses and things like that. I'll definitely take them up on those offers. I just haven't reached the point where I WANT to enjoy myself yet. Does that make sense? Maybe I'm just depressed too. Part of me wishes I could just be so angry that I wouldn't hurt anymore. But the other part doesn't even want to feel better unless it's from WH coming out of his fog, seeing the error of his ways, and coming home to me. I do realize that it won't happen soon; in fact it may never happen at all. It's all just so new to me that I'm still grieving. It's going to take some time for me to come to terms with this situation as well. I WILL make every effort to follow the advice you guys have been giving me. I know an attorney, I am changing my locks, etc. Keep me in your prayers that I will stay strong and do the right thing (over, and over, and over again!).

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Lew I am so glad to see Pep's wing over you.

I remember when I was there

You get a good giggle while getting taught how to manage the unmanageable.

And it lasts. Since I Plan A'd my H in the style of Pep, no one has dared mess with me.

The best Pep trick is to say very little and let everyone else spin in panic.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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