well i am not sure where to start exactly so ill just start at the very beginning

my wife and i have known each other for 13 years now we have been married for 8 of those
my wife is currently on vacation to visit her "friends" which i at first thought was a good idea for her since she had been frustrated with a lot of things and i had thought it would be good for her to get away and relax a little
my first indicators as to how wrong i was where about a month before her vacation started instead of sleeping in our bed she started sleeping on the couch saying she had to get used to sleeping alone
then she told me that she loves me but is no longer in love with me and started to pull away when i was trying to hug or kiss her
all that made me depressed at that time and i just let her have her way

after she had been on her vacation for a month she told me that she wants a divorce when she comes back which shocked me but the worst part was yet to come
about a week after she told me about wanting a divorce i found out that she was sleeping with her "friend"
i dont know if i should have waited for her to come back before i told her that i know but i couldnt keep it hidden i never lied to her was always completely honest so i told her that i found out about it she first denied it until i showed her proof
at first she got very upset about it accused me of spying on her and all that but also said that she is no longer sleeping with him that they decided to just be friends
since then she has apologized for hurting me and for sleeping with him but she still wants to get a divorce ASAP and move to the place shes currently vacationing at
she says that she has been feeling the healthiest and happiest over there in many years
and that even if she doesnt move she still wants a divorce she is putting most of the blame on me and if i am completely honest she has some valid points i have not paid as much attention to her as i could have but she makes it sound as if i was never there for her

we still talk almost every day about what she is doing on her vacation about whats going on here like everything is normal and there is no real plans for divorce or her leaving the country in the future

but what do i do from now on?
she is still on vacation for another 3 weeks i want to save our marriage and told her so and that i am willing to improve on spending more time with her but she says there is no hope

do i support her on the divorce or do i make it more difficult for her ? she does not have a job and no real income either so i was thinking about making her pay for the divorce herself and make her help pay of our debts before i fully agree to it

i am just really confused and still hurt by her betrayal
i want to save our marriage if that is even still possible at this point ?

Welcome to MB's Yuki.

My senses tell me that you are being treated like a mushroom here with regards to what your WW is up to. Your being kept in the dark and fed a lot of Bull sheet.

You gave her info on your spying info and now this A has gone further underground. Do you have any way to verify they are only friends now? Pretty hard to undo once it has been done. Sorry to be so blunt.

Have you done much reading on the site? This would be a great place to start.

Basic Concepts

Also for our information how old are you? How many or are there children and their ages?

Responses can be a little slow on the weekends so hang tight and others will be along.

Again welcome and sorry you find yourself here under these circumstances.

nESRE

i am 32 and my wife is 31
i should probably also mention that my wife is not per say a healthy person she has a illness that requires her to be on medication daily to even live a halfway normal life which also prevents us from having children

i can not really prove that the A is really over that is true but i want to believe my wife but maybe i am being too naive

she had posted pictures of her and her "best friend" on FB before i told her i found out she had even changed her profile picture which she now changed back to one of her alone
but i guess im just adding to the argument that the A is just being hidden from me now..

i have done a lot of reading on the site which helped me to realize where i should have acted different to prevent this from ever happening but i am afraid that it might be too late now

Yuki

I don't think your too late but you will need to take agressive action on your part by following the MB plan here.

Carrot and stick of Plan A

Make sure to read all of this. Are you familiar with this and do you have questions about any part of Plan A?

With your WW gone for 3 more weeks on vacation this would be hard to pull off from a distance. Is there any way you can just show up uannounced and join her on the vacation?

Why would you vacation seperately?

nESRE

i have not read that article yet but will do so right now

that she is on a vacation by herself is the fault of her bilogical father
he and her mother got a divorce way back in the day and he was going thru some hardships with his wife dying of cancer and my wife got into contact with him during this time
he gave her the vacation as a present since he was feeling bad about not being able to be there for her when she was a child

i can not go to where she is atm my passport is not up to date and i dont have the finances for that trip either

i read thru the link you provided and my current plan included at least the carrot part

i am not sure about the exposure part atm im afraid that if i do that right now it will just drive her into the arms of her "friend"
since she is still gone for 3 more weeks
and even after that i am not sure if she could forgive me for exposing it the biggest fight we ever had in our marriage so far was when i discussed something that was between us with her mother

the only people that know about this atm is me ,her ,the "friend" and one more person that was with her when i told her i found out
to add even more to all this i know that the other friend has shown more than interest in her as well to the point where i am wondering if she might have slept with him as well
but she told me herself that that person was interested in her while she never mentioned that about the person i know she slept with

Yuki

I would study up all you can here right now and keep quiet to your WW about your studying right now. There will be more traffic going into the start of the work week so there will be others coming along to help with any questions you may have.

Don't give away any intell to your WW without running by others here first. Look at the operation investigate thread


Operation Investigate



and see if some means of spying may work so you know what is going on with where she is at.

At MB's we are big on having a plan of action. Many here will help you form a plan. All you have to do is ask for help.

It seems you have some time to plan before she will be back IRL.

Keep coming back.

Best to you

nESRE

yuki, every BS is afraid of exposure, at first, for the same reason you posted. however, your goal is to kill the affair, and exposure is what does it. your M can survive her anger. it cannot survive her ongoing infidelity.

i'm not saying you have to do it today, but you do need to do it. it's part of the programme and provides accountability.

lastly, YOU should not feel afraid of speaking the truth. SHE should be very afraid about the repercussions for her very poor behaviour. exposure only removes the cloak of secrecy, exposing the adultery for what it is. like lifting up a doormat and letting the light get rid of all those worms and bugs that hide in the damp underneath.

i might wait until a few days before she comes back home to tell her family what she did i know that this will cause a lot of problems since her brother went thru something very similar

his wife cheated on him and back then my wife was so upset and mad at his wife that i cant believe she did the same thing now
and i know her mother will be more than furious about this as well
and i want her father to know what he did that he helped to ruin her and my marriage just like he ruined his own in the past

but tbh i dont know if i can gather the courage to do this
because i know this will hurt her deeply and make her upset which is not going to be good for her health with her illness
i love her and care about her maybe too much i know im being pretty much a "doormat" atm

Yuki, you are enabling your wife. She is a grown woman, she must understand the consequences of her incredibly selfish and hurtful behavior towards you.

If you do NOT expose, your marriage will not survive. You must expose for BOTH of your sakes. There are many many wayward spouses who today thank their husband/wife for exposing, it broke up a happy illusion and took them out of their destructive, selfish fog of addiction. There are many cases on MB where the affair was smashed on the day of exposure. Look at SunnyDinT's thread. And most of the BSs who exposed were extremely nervous about doing so and said pretty much what you just said here. And they were then amazed at the effect of this powerful tool.

Yes, your WW will be mad as h*ll but you will say calmly, "I will do what it necessary to save our marriage. Here, want a cookie?" and be loving but firm in showing her that you are not going to keep enabling her, whether she is ill or not. You've got a really good chance here, she clearly cares about what other people, especially her family, think of her.

Expose expose EXPOSE! Read MelodyLane's sig, there are very clear instructions of what to do.

Yuki, the best thing you can do for your wife is expose the affair wide and far. The best time to do it is NOW while sheis with her lover. This will interrupt the affair. Please go read the link in my signature and develop youR plan.

Please read.
Exposure 101

is right now really the best time for me to expose this to everybody in our family ?
she still has 3 weeks before she has to come back home

and my wife is well known for her very short temper
plus she seems really more in love with the idea of living her own life with a job and everything she couldnt really do before(ecause of her illness) she is being pretty selfdestructive

ughh the worst part is that there is really no way for me to be 100% sure about what exactly is going on and if exposure is really gonna help or make it much worse now
i need to think about this

Yes, now is the best time; while she still has the cookie in her hot little hand is the BEST time to yell "STOP, THIEF!"


The evidence is right there in front of the world.


Do it NOW. If she has an ounce of intention in fixing her mess, once the shockwaves hit, she'll bring her hiney home!


Dirty little secrets aren't fun when they become big, dirty, truths.

Now is the PERFECT time to expose because it will ruin her affair trip.


What is going on is that she is having an affair.

THERE is your proof.


And yes, your wife will be angry, but the goal here to save your marriage. NOT to avoid your wife's anger at all cost.

my wife told me today that she wants to talk
i will wait and see where this is going and if there is still no light at the end of the tunnel i think i will follow everybody's advise and go into a full exposure before the next weekend
im not sure yet where ill get the strength to follow thru with that plan though

You expose regardless of what she says or does. Waywards are known liars and will say whatever they can to keep you hanging while they continue to cake eat. She will confuse you until you think you're crazy...it's called gaslighting (google it). Waywards also do what's called fogbabble...they make no sense and sound like aliens instead of the person you thought you knew. Don't let that sidetrack you from doing what you need to do. Listen to these people here. Look how long MelodyLane has been here and how many posts she has. A person is lucky if they have her trying to help them, she knows what she's talking about. If you don't follow MB policies and what the experts are telling you, they will spend their time on someone who wants to save their marriage instead of wasting it...they're trying to help you. They've been there, right where you are.

Do not be afraid of your wife, now is the time to take control and get your marriage on track with a real PLAN.

The purpose of exposure is to kill the affair, which you would want to do regardless of what she says to you. There is no light at the end of the tunnel if you DON'T expose.

i had a long talk with my wife today
and tbh i am not sure that our marriage can still be saved even if i expose her affair
she seems to be more interested in living her own life on her own without me or anyone at her side atm
which i cannot really blame her for she has always had to rely on other people her entire life so i understand her desire to live her life the way she wants while her illness still allows it
but at the same time it makes me worried because of her illness
she cannot really have a normal life as much as she might want it
and who will take care of her if something does happen to her while she is in another country?
she is dead set on moving and working by january even though i dont see how that could possibly work out she hasnt had a job in many many years

she said she had been thinking about getting a divorce for many years now and that i wasnt giving her all the attention she wanted even after repeatedly asking me for it and i cannot fully deny that on the other hand she also wasnt being very specific on the kind of attention she wanted
she said that she is tired of trying and that there wont be any hope for us to rebuild our marriage she still loves me as a friend and person but is not in love with me anymore and cant see me as her husband anymore

i still have doubts that this is the entire truth since i found out that aside of the friend she slept with there is another person who is interested in her she told me about that but that she is not interested in a relationship while shes going thru our divorce
at this point i believe that exposing her affair which seems to be over now might just make things much worse for our divorce

i am just lost and confused now
should i still expose even though i dont think it can save anything at this point and will do more damage to her family, it will break her mothers heart and her brothers as well since his wife cheated on him before, than it will wake her up
or should i just try to get the divorce over with quietly and fast and try to move on?

i hope i havent wasted anybodys time that really wasnt my intention i thought there was still a chance to save what we had but maybe i was just deluding myself