she seems to be more interested in living her own life on her own without me or anyone at her side atm
which i cannot really blame her for she has always had to rely on other people her entire life so i understand her desire to live her life the way she wants while her illness still allows it
but at the same time it makes me worried because of her illness
she cannot really have a normal life as much as she might want it
and who will take care of her if something does happen to her while she is in another country?
WHAAT?! Yuki, she's an adult, she is responsible for HER ACTIONS, and she is treating you like a piece of sh*t! If you want to save your marriage - AND help her - you need to get a spine. You are ENABLING her to hurt you and you are helping her to hurt herself!
she is dead set on moving and working by january even though i dont see how that could possibly work out she hasnt had a job in many many years
She's in a complete dangerous fog of selfish addiction. She think her affair partner will do everything that you have been doing for many years AND she very likely feels smugly convinced that you're going to keep doing that when her affair runs dry (nearly all affairs die within 2 years) and she trots home. It's called cake-eating - she wants her cake and to eat it, waywards are famous for this entitled, selfish, cruel mentality.
You should be making it VERY clear that if she chooses her affair partner over you that you're not going to be her friend, you're not going to pick up the pieces of her broken life when it all smashes down, you will start your life anew without her.
she said she had been thinking about getting a divorce for many years now and that i wasnt giving her all the attention she wanted even after repeatedly asking me for it and i cannot fully deny that on the other hand she also wasnt being very specific on the kind of attention she wanted
she said that she is tired of trying and that there wont be any hope for us to rebuild our marriage
Oh WAAAAAAMBULANCE! You own 50% of the problem in your marriage but she is 100% responsible for choosing to go and get her needs filled outside the marriage. You now have access to the best program ever for fixing your marriage, you've learned about MB. You and your wife can have a loving, in-love marriage that fills all of your needs, but first -
YOU HAVE TO KILL THE AFFAIR!
she still loves me as a friend and person but is not in love with me anymore and cant see me as her husband anymore
This is the phrase that is said by nearly ALL waywards. It's called the I love you but I am not in love with you (ILBINILWY) speech. Your situation is not special, Yuki. When people have affairs, they ALL do the same thing. They are like robots. Many BSs see them as aliens that have taken over the body of their spouse.
Dr. Harley knows this after coaching 1000s of broken couples, the MB board vets know this from reading 1000s of posts from people just like you. That's why following the advice here is the most likely way you are going to save your marriage. If you feel responsible for your wife (which you shouldn't and that may be part of the problem in your marriage that you will have to address with her later after you've killed the affair), this is the best way to help her now.
at this point i believe that exposing her affair which seems to be over now might just make things much worse for our divorce
Yuki, do you not want to stay married?! Don't be so defeatist.
i am just lost and confused now
should i still expose even though i dont think it can save anything at this point and will do more damage to her family, it will break her mothers heart and her brothers as well since his wife cheated on him before, than it will wake her up
or should i just try to get the divorce over with quietly and fast and try to move on?
Your wife needs to see that you will take extraordinary measures to save her and your marriage. She'll be impressed that you are fighting for her. Most women are. This rolling over and whimpering is not impressive at all.
As for her family being hurt by her behavior, that's HER responsibility, Yuki, not yours. You're still trying to protect her from herself. She is a GROWN woman, not a child. She chose to behave in a flagrantly irresponsible and cruel manner to not just you but also them. She must know the consequences.
i hope i havent wasted anybodys time that really wasnt my intention i thought there was still a chance to save what we had but maybe i was just deluding myself
No, you're just too scared to do what it takes to save your marriage. This is normal to be afraid but listening to your fear will mean that your marriage will die.
There are many people whose marriages have been saved by MB. They are blissfully happy now, have the best marriage they ever did. Why? Because the BS got steely and exposed the rotten behavior to anyone who might put pressure on the wayward. Then the BS stood firm under the rage and gaslighting of the wayward, whose exciting little secret now looked disgusting and sordid to everyone. "I'll do whatever it takes to save our marriage, my dear. Want a drink?"
You can do it, Yuki. Don't let fear stand in the way.