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W had told the OM that she thought that I was having or had an A with one of my clients at the time. Absolutely not the case. Something that obviously everyone is capable of but I am VERY strong in my boundaries and morals. I feel she was using it as justification for what she was doing. We had several discussions on the issue before my W's A. I even terminated the client for other problems and knew that my wife did not care for her at all. Honesty and fidelity was something that W and I talked about when we were first dating and again with our pastor in pre-marital counseling. I was very clear that was one of my top expectations and promises to her as well.

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I did make the mistake of telling W that I could hear, see, track anything that was done on her phone. Anymore, nothing really suprises me about W. Though, if she has a second phone, she does a very good job at keeping it hidden. I had all data (deleted texts, etc) that could be retrieved pulled off of her previous phones back to 2005.

The biggest part is that I now know that I have been duped for at least 7 of the 11 years we've been together. I thought I knew my W and turns out I was very much decieved...

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Originally Posted by BrokenHeartFool
There was another married man that she told me about through all of this that is also a manager and actively pursued her for at least a year. Was even "written up" by HR dept. for it. Happened about 2 years ago and I was never told about it until early this year. She actually went directly to the OM and told him about it.

I would check this story out. Do you have this guys contact info? Do you know the facts of the story from HR? With your wife's loose boundaries and history of dishonesty, I find it hard to believe she would resist an affair with anyone.

What can you do to flesh this story out?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by BrokenHeartFool
I did make the mistake of telling W that I could hear, see, track anything that was done on her phone. Anymore, nothing really suprises me about W. Though, if she has a second phone, she does a very good job at keeping it hidden. I had all data (deleted texts, etc) that could be retrieved pulled off of her previous phones back to 2005.

The biggest part is that I now know that I have been duped for at least 7 of the 11 years we've been together. I thought I knew my W and turns out I was very much decieved...

Have you read in our operation investigate forum? I would step up your snooping if I were you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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The OM was not her boss, but a manager in the company. The info is filtered through the owner of the company. As I said, nothing would surprise me. When I told my parents I needed to cut my trip short and get home (and generally what I thought might be going on), their first words were "where is ___ (owner of the company)?" Their first suspicion was that he was the OM.

Last edited by BrokenHeartFool; 08/21/12 10:50 AM. Reason: spelling
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This is still in the process of being checked out. I have the guys contact info, his wife's contact info, etc. HR has taken on a " we are not going to get further involved in this mess" stance. The guy has had numerous affairs including one with another married woman who worked there. His wife is aware of at least one, but chooses not to act because her own mother went through more than one divorce and she doesn't want to be "like her mom". His wife actually asked my W to get her the guys phone records from work at one point. My W actually went to lunch with her and discussed. All while my W had/was having and affair and knew that this lady's husband was possibly already pursuing her! If only this lady knew the skewed advice she was getting... In February when the situation with this guy was revealed (or what W wanted to reveal of it), I told W that she needed to tell his wife. W said NO. She will hate the messenger, not her H.

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I've seen the Operation Investigate forum. I am doing quite alot. I hired a firm to do most of the work. There are certain things that they have not been able to re-gain access to that was lost, but are working on it.

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I sat down in January of 2011 and wrote my W a long detailed letter explaining how my feelings and why I felt the way I did after she had been texting another man (seperate from the other two already mentioned) that she worked with. I asked her to respond. NOTHING for several months. I found a letter that she started writing to me that said, I lied; yes the OM and I did spend time together outside of work, but it was NEVER physical. Just talking and probably was an emotional affair. I let my knowledge of the letter go unspoken for a few more months. Finally in conversation, I brought it up. She still said the letter and details were accurate; NEVER physical. She was still lying after all the times and letters where I laid myself totally and completely out there in the open for her.

Anything my W has told me is stuff that I had to drag out of her. I tell her that I know "X" and she builds the story as "YZ". NOTHING has been offered that I didn't already pretty much know about or the answer to at the point in January where I called her out and asked her if she thought she could pass a poly. W has told me that she feels like she's being interrogated and has no privacy. Feels like she can't do anything on her own or have any friends. Feels like there is a double standard between us. She has told me that I don't need to know anymore; we need to put it behind us and move forward. I am so ready to move forward when all of my questions have answers that can be backed up.

She actually set down at my request after the initial confession of the physical relationship in January '12 and wrote out what was supposed to be the ENTIRE and COMPLETE story. Once again, major points left out. Uses the excuse that she wanted to forget all of it and can't remember major points like whether the act was with protection, but can remember exactly what she was wearing and other things she did. I actually asked her one night if we could sit down and go over what she had written. I went outside with the dog and watched through the window as she grabbed what she had written and hid it. I came back in and asked her if she still had it; said she burned it. I said "I just watched you hide it"!!

Last edited by BrokenHeartFool; 08/21/12 11:31 AM. Reason: incomplete
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Originally Posted by BrokenHeartFool
This is still in the process of being checked out. I have the guys contact info, his wife's contact info, etc. HR has taken on a " we are not going to get further involved in this mess" stance. The guy has had numerous affairs including one with another married woman who worked there. His wife is aware of at least one, but chooses not to act because her own mother went through more than one divorce and she doesn't want to be "like her mom". His wife actually asked my W to get her the guys phone records from work at one point. My W actually went to lunch with her and discussed. All while my W had/was having and affair and knew that this lady's husband was possibly already pursuing her! If only this lady knew the skewed advice she was getting... In February when the situation with this guy was revealed (or what W wanted to reveal of it), I told W that she needed to tell his wife. W said NO. She will hate the messenger, not her H.

But have you contacted his wife yourself? I suspect your wife was having an affair with this guy and pretending to be friends with the wife. This is one area I would cover Ina polygraph. Can you contact this woman and give her the information you have?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Additionally, I would schedule a polygraph and then 2 days beforehand hand her a list of all your questions and give her one last chance to answer them before the polygraph. Then if she flunks the test, make plans to separate. If she won't come clean and make radical changes in her life then this marriage is hopeless.

I would stay on this until it is resolved.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I have not contacted this man's wife. I'm more than willing, but the question that I have is what if he is now committed in their marriage and things are going good. Maybe they have addressed their problems. Would it still be appropriate to contact her? Someone sent this man a text a few months ago saying something about "stay away from my wife or I will tell yours". He ran straight to my W and asked her if it was me. It was not me. This is another sticky point. My W told me this man asked her if I sent the text. Initially, W told me she just said she didn't know. My words to her, "is that exactly how the conversation went"? Her: "Yes". The next day, I did text the guy and said that she told me about the text and that i was not the one who sent it. His reply indicated that he knew alot more than I thought he did. I confronted my W who once again got caught in her lies. Instead of my W telling him she didn't know, she proceeded to tell him that she had told me about her affair with the co-worker and that she told about this guy trying to pursue her and how we were trying to work on things, etc. I was NOT A HAPPY CAMPER! Why did the convo need to go any further than "I don't know if my husband texted you"??

My W used to take our son to work with her before she took him to Pre-school. He was constantly talking about being in this guys office while he was there. The guy even gave him all kinds of fishing equip, lures, etc.

Last edited by BrokenHeartFool; 08/21/12 03:02 PM. Reason: spelling
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As an aside. I have a team of attorneys who are preparing to put major pressure on the employer. Letters should be going out this week (if they have not already) to the employer, a few past employees, and some betrayed spouses of employees. In a nutshell, the pressure being applied is asking why the company chose to terminate some employess in the past for intra-company relationships (but used a different reason for termination), but chose to allow at least 4 people in this situation to continue employment. My wife is aware of this as well as the fact that they are working on an alienation of affection suit. That avenue may not be used but will be at the ready should she not choose to see the light. Her first reaction about both suits was simply: "Do I need to let (owner of the company) know"?

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You can't keep living like this BHF. Yes, you want to save your marriage, but your wife is emotionally abusing you.

1. You MUST find out if the child is yours. Take another test.

2. That polygraph needs to be taken as Melodylane suggests.

3. Plan on WW failing or refusing polygraph, and start preparing to separate.

4. Believe nothing that comes out of WW's mouth.

5. Keep spying. And save all information both digitally and in hard copies.

6. Do not bring WW onto this forum/thread. This forum is for you.

7. Do not tell WW about any of your spying or your tactics. Do not show her your cards about what you will do next. Don't threaten, just do.

8. Get your financials in order so that if you do file for D, WW won't be able to drain your accounts.

9. Start thinking of fighting for custody. Don't do what I did and let WW have custody. You will regret it.

10. Hang in there. Stay calm. Don't let emotions get a hold of you.


BH(Me)=40
WXW=38
ILYBNILWY: 8/09
DDAY: 8/31/09
Two boys: 8,7
Divorced 3/23/2011

Don't let your eyes refuse to see. Don't let your ears refuse to hear. Or you ain't never gonna shake this sense of sadness. --Ray Lamontagne
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TE,

Thank you for your response. I understand and know that I cannot continue to live like this. It's eating me alive.

1. Will do

2. I see no reason at the present since I know for a fact she is still lying.

3. ....

4. I figured that out on my own and it kills me inside.

5. I have one of the best resources for it and will continue.

6. Why would I not want her to see the MB website? I want her to see others stories and the wealth of info on here that could possilbly help both of us. I have already told her about the site, but it was before my first post and i don't think she has been on here.

7. I've learned this a bit the hard way.

8. Already done.

9. Already done. As I said, I have retained a D attorney who I give regular updates and documentation/evidence to.

10. May be the hardest part. I LOVE my wife, but I am sooo devestated at the fact that she could have an affair, let alone lie blatantly to my face for 7 years or more and continues to do so right up to the present. I truly feel like I was conned and have no idea who she is!

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BHF,

6. Why would I not want her to see the MB website? I want her to see others stories and the wealth of info on here that could possilbly help both of us. I have already told her about the site, but it was before my first post and i don't think she has been on here.

Because given your WWs history she will just us the information here to block your investigation and outflank you psychologically. WW sounds like she is not just a cheater but a serial cheater, and a chronic liar on top of that.

For right now MB has to be YOUR RESOURCE, you have been abused enough and need a refuge, 7 years of going insane is quite enough.

You spoke about how much you love your wife, well liars are some of the most charming people you will ever meet at first, once you are addicted to the liar they begin to abuse you.

God Bless
Gamma

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Originally Posted by BrokenHeartFool
I have not contacted this man's wife. I'm more than willing, but the question that I have is what if he is now committed in their marriage and things are going good. Maybe they have addressed their problems. Would it still be appropriate to contact her?

Absolutely! If he is "committed" in his marriage his wife would already know and he would have left this job because your wife is there. So, unless she knows it all, they have not addressed JACK.

When you are finished, you might even contact him directly and ask for his version of events because I suspect you have been lied to about the relationship.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by BrokenHeartFool
6. Why would I not want her to see the MB website? I want her to see others stories and the wealth of info on here that could possilbly help both of us. I have already told her about the site, but it was before my first post and i don't think she has been on here.

You will lose this place as resource if she comes here. She is very wayward and sneaky so we can't help you take steps to protect yourself if she is reading here. She can come her if she ever becomes serious about recovery, though.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by BrokenHeartFool
I have not contacted this man's wife. I'm more than willing, but the question that I have is what if he is now committed in their marriage and things are going good. Maybe they have addressed their problems. Would it still be appropriate to contact her? Someone sent this man a text a few months ago saying something about "stay away from my wife or I will tell yours". He ran straight to my W and asked her if it was me.


BHF. I would bet this poor woman has no idea since the message was sent to the OM. I doubt some text would be enough to send him home spilling his guts.


The right thing would be to inform this guy's BW about what her husband is up to. This is info she needs in order to move forward in her own life...just like you. But be prepared for his BW to not believe you because this rat most likely went home and told his BW that some crazy person thinks he is having an affair with his wife. Honey, can you believe that? Thank goodness you are not the crazy jealous type.

This is why MB recommends informing the "BS" personally or with an email containing a name and phone number to contact.

This woman may even have info about your own situation.


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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Originally Posted by BrokenHeartFool
I have had 2 paternity tests done by 2 different labs. One in late 2007 and one in late 2011. Both tests came back "Inconclusive".

Did you tell the second lab that the first test was inconclusive?

Did you ask if different samples other the cheek swabs would be better?

Sometimes Grandparents and siblins then need to be tested. Re doing the same test over is pointless unless all issues are covered.

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Originally Posted by BrokenHeartFool
6. Why would I not want her to see the MB website? I want her to see others stories and the wealth of info on here that could possilbly help both of us.


You cannot educate a wayward.


BH(Me)=40
WXW=38
ILYBNILWY: 8/09
DDAY: 8/31/09
Two boys: 8,7
Divorced 3/23/2011

Don't let your eyes refuse to see. Don't let your ears refuse to hear. Or you ain't never gonna shake this sense of sadness. --Ray Lamontagne
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