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#2659385 08/25/12 07:19 PM
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All,

I started this conversation on unwritten's thread and want to continue. Unwritten, I am apologize for hijacking your thread because it seems you were not interested in the topic.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2658377#Post2658377

I am a FWW. My BS did not expose my affair except to our children. I am glad he told our children. I told my family. I have felt since the beginning that he needed to expose the affair so that he would have the support of his family but he does not want it. That creates a situation where I, the woman who betrayed him, am is only source of support. That is a job I definitely am willing to accept but it seems that his greatest source of pain cannot always be his best source of support.

My affair is over and has been since DDAY. The reason for exposure is for support.

Should I expose my affair for my husband? Tell my work, his family, our friends?


Is it right for me to expose my affair to force my husband to get support? I think it is disrespectful for me to do it.

I am interested to know if the vets think that it is OK for me to Disrespectfully Judge my husband's desire for privacy and show Independent Behavior by exposing against his wishes. Does the recommendation of Dr. H to expose out way his guidance that the first step in SAA is to stop Love Busters.

Take a look at unwritten's thread for background on the exposure conversation.




Last edited by JustUss; 08/28/12 10:20 AM. Reason: title chane

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Originally Posted by WhoAreWE
All,

I started this conversation on unwritten's thread and want to continue. Unwritten, I am apologize for hijacking your thread because it seems you were not interested in the topic.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2658377#Post2658377

I am a FWW. My BS did not expose my affair except to our children. I am glad he told our children. I told my family. I have felt since the beginning that he needed to expose the affair so that he would have the support of his family but he does not want it. That creates a situation where I, the woman who betrayed him, am is only source of support. That is a job I definitely am willing to accept but it seems that his greatest source of pain cannot always be his best source of support.

My affair is over and has been since DDAY. The reason for exposure is for support.

Should I expose my affair for my husband? Tell my work, his family, our friends?


Is it right for me to expose my affair to force my husband to get support? I think it is disrespectful for me to do it.

I am interested to know if the vets think that it is OK for me to Disrespectfully Judge my husband's desire for privacy and show Independent Behavior by exposing against his wishes. Does the recommendation of Dr. H to expose out way his guidance that the first step in SAA is to stop Love Busters.

Take a look at unwritten's thread for background on the exposure conversation.


Who is the OM? Is he married?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Who is the OM? Is he married?


Oh, right. My husband exposed to OMW on DDay. The other man is married and he was my co-worker. We no longer work together.


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Thank you for having the courage to open your own thread WAW. I've been patiently waiting since you posted on mine earlier this summer.

Think of exposure as excising a tumor on your BH's person. YES, it should be done, and YES he would stand a better chance of recovery with the subject action, and YES, in this case you (by virtue of your presence here) might actually have a more grounded view of the situation than he does.

All that said, dear friend, there is NO WAY you should grab him, slap a mask on his face, knock him out, and wheel him into the operating theater.

He does not yet understand the benefits of the action that you want to perform. As dicey as it sounds, this exposure action, the withholding of which your BH is using to manage his reaction to/recovery from your betrayal, MUST BE subject to the controls of POJA.

Exposure by the BS is not POJA-dependent. Exposure against the wishes of the BS would be. In each case the overriding principle is that the BS steers the recovery bus while the WS provides the power.

Your BH needs education, my friend. This is the place to get it. We will welcome him and assist him with whatever he needs.

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Originally Posted by NeverGuessed
Thank you for having the courage to open your own thread WAW. I've been patiently waiting since you posted on mine earlier this summer.

Think of exposure as excising a tumor on your BH's person. YES, it should be done, and YES he would stand a better chance of recovery with the subject action, and YES, in this case you (by virtue of your presence here) might actually have a more grounded view of the situation than he does.

All that said, dear friend, there is NO WAY you should grab him, slap a mask on his face, knock him out, and wheel him into the operating theater.

He does not yet understand the benefits of the action that you want to perform. As dicey as it sounds, this exposure action, the withholding of which your BH is using to manage his reaction to/recovery from your betrayal, MUST BE subject to the controls of POJA.

Exposure by the BS is not POJA-dependent. Exposure against the wishes of the BS would be. In each case the overriding principle is that the BS steers the recovery bus while the WS provides the power.

Your BH needs education, my friend. This is the place to get it. We will welcome him and assist him with whatever he needs.


Yes.

Would Mr. WhoAreWe post here? Then he will have a HUGE MB family of support?

How is your UA time?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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NG,

Thank you for your view. I agree but was doubting myself based on comments on unwritten's thread. Her situation is more complex than mine. My husband has read postings and respects you.

Mr. WhoAreWe is not likely to post but he does read.

BH,
UA time needs to be increased but it is still haunted by discussions of the affair which makes it not very pleasant for either of us.

Thank you for your responses. Good night.


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Originally Posted by WhoAreWE
NG,

Thank you for your view. I agree but was doubting myself based on comments on unwritten's thread. Her situation is more complex than mine. My husband has read postings and respects you.

Mr. WhoAreWe is not likely to post but he does read.

BH,
UA time needs to be increased but it is still haunted by discussions of the affair which makes it not very pleasant for either of us.

Thank you for your responses. Good night.


Have you answered all his questions? Once everything is out on the table no more affair talk per Dr. Harley.

Have you seen where Dr. Harley says that?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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...it is still haunted by discussions of the affair which makes it not very pleasant for either of us.

Yeah! If you would like to brainstorm how to reduce/eliminate that stuff, let us know. There are some brilliant minds here (Brainy is likely already finding some appropriate citations), and all we want to do is help!

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Here's a good show of Dr. Harley telling the couple to stop talking about the affair. Maybe listen to it with Mr. WAW?
Radio clip
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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THREE whole minutes, Ms. Hurts? You're slipping! laugh

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Originally Posted by NeverGuessed
THREE whole minutes, Ms. Hurts? You're slipping! laugh
Haha I know I had to load the segments up. laugh


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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If your BH does NOT want everyone knowing, then it's HIS choice.

You don't get to do more damage by thinking you know what's best for him.

Not all men want their co-workers and family knowing their wife dropped her knickers for another guy. Some want to hold on to what bit of pride they still have left.

Exposure is best served up during an active affair in order to help the darkness of the active affair to come to light. This usually helps it come to a much quicker end.
When an affair has already ended, the BS gets to choose their path of who knows, OK!

Regarding support; If you don't feel up for the task, then maybe you need to evaluate whether you should be there at all.
It's your choice, help the victim or push him off to someone else.

I am no trying to be harsh, but I do want you to be realistic. You have a long journey ahead and you need to decide now, are you all in, or are you going to fold. This is not anyone elses marriage to help fix, it's yours.

That being said, you'll need tools if your really going to stay and fix this. Marriage Builders is your tool kit!

Start with the Coaching Center and set up some appointments ASAP.

Read the books, His Needs, Her Needs, and Love Busters, by Dr. Willard Harley, Jr.

Doo all the exercises in the books and whatever the coaching center tells you to do and within 6 months you'll have a marriage worth saving and you'll also have romantic love restored again.

I blew my own marriage apart, this is how we worked recovery. I've watched many come here and cry the blues, can't afford the coaching, no time, blah, blah, blah,,,, those that did not pick up the tool kits and work them together have ALL failed.

I pray YOU both succeed!






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Originally Posted by WhoAreWE
...Should I expose my affair for my husband? Tell my work, his family, our friends?

Is it right for me to expose my affair to force my husband to get support? I think it is disrespectful for me to do it.
Yes, it would be disrespectful for you to, as the (F)WS, to unilaterally expose the affair without your husband's prior agreement. Seems to me it'd be better if he had other people whom he could lean on. However, as NG has advised, your H needs to be on-board with that. Absent his reaching out to others, you can't & shouldn't do that for him. As FWSs, we can only fix what we can fix -- which may not include everything we've broken.

So what have you been doing in the last 13 months or so, since your D-Day, to help him?


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
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WAW, how long ago was the dday and how long was the affair?

Forcing his friends and family to know that you were doing the OM can be the straw that broke the camels back.

As to talking about the affair, have you told your BH everything? Eventually the talking about the affair will have to end. However RC and UA time need to be fun time.

How about you pack supper go park in a shopping center lot and affair talk for an hour on Tuesday evenings for a few weeks with the stated goal of getting everything covered and done. Pick a location/place that the both of you don't use for RA and UA time. Doing this will while talking about the affair story won't pollute the places that the both of you like to go.

You had no problem doing the OM.

So you should have no problem telling your BH everything.

Consequences. Everything has them.

You danced.

You don't get to complain that you have to pay the band.

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Quote
The other man is married and he was my co-worker. We no longer work together.
How did this come about? Did one of you quit the job?


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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Quote
UA time needs to be increased but it is still haunted by discussions of the affair which makes it not very pleasant for either of us.
Have you answered all of his questions regarding the affair? If so, the two of you need to stop talking about it. As you have seen, talking about the affair can turn a pleasant evening into a tear-filled, anguished evening in a heartbeat.

If he feels that he still has unanswered questions, you need to sit down with him and get the whole thing out in one big truth dump. If hearing it is too difficult for him, offer to write it down. Once you've accomplished that, that two of you need to stop talking about it.

UA time is something that should be enjoyable. Rehashing the affair has no place in UA time. There is room for only the two of you during UA time - not the ghost of the third party.

Now. Total disclosure: I also derailed a number of pleasurable evenings after D-Day by bringing up the affair. I threw it in my H's face quite a few times until I'd really read through MB and understood the concept of UA time. See, I didn't think he deserved to be enjoying himself, after what he did to me and us. I had to take myself in hand and straighten up because I was derailing our healing. My own mouth was getting in the way of our recovery. It was only after we truly followed the concept of UA time with no deviations that things really started to click.

Has your husband read completely about UA time?


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Hi WAW

As the wayward spouse, and since YOUR family knows, it seems there is accountability in place following exposure. You've paid your dues in that sense.

Your BH knows that if you were to get into another affair, your family would be watching you, as well as him so there is a kind of support in that.

Ideally, he would expose to his family and gain their support. As a BS who had to swallow her courage and expose to her family, I know the fears are pretty heavy beforehand. I thought there'd be violence, blame, people would stop me from attempting recovery or judge me. All I got was the most wonderful support.

I also believe that 'the truth will out' and if his family were to find out on their own, without it being managed, that would be pretty awful.

If he were to come here and post, I'm sure other BSs can tell him of their own exposure experiences. That's what helped me get the courage to do it.

I think you have done your part by offering to expose and help him speak to his family. You could also offer to show them signs of your remorse and sincerity, like a post nup or something like that.

As others have said, you can't force him but if he's reading here, I'm sure he would be on board with MB principles.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Thank you all for your responses. It seems everyone agrees that no more exposure is necessary. I think I just changed the subject on my posting hopefully that does not cause confusion.

My husband has not bought into MB. He has read here a lot but has not accepted it as his path to recovery. I do think it will provide me the structure to clean up my side of the fence.

That being said, he is not just going to stop talking about the affair because Dr H or I or you say so. I like the idea of trying to set aside specific time to talk about the affair so that it does not ruin every event during the day. I will try to POJA this with him. We have not tried POJA yet but I got to start somewhere.

Since DDay, over a year ago, and since I found MB last year, I have removed my behavior of having opposite sex friends. I used to socialize a lot with co-workers and most of them are male so I do not socialize at work any more.

Between my H and myself there have been a lot of Love Busters over the past year (and before that). So my main focus is stopping using Love Busters and to more elegantly handle Love Busters he tosses to me (without using MB terminology).

Please watch for me Love Bustering my husband and point it out. Got to go. Will respond directly tomorrow.

Any advice on how to MB without demanding your BS MB would be appreciated.


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You should POJA all YOUR decisions and actions with him. That way he can see the benefits of always being considered and decide if he wants to reciprocate by doing POJA too.

I wouldn't say further exposure 'isn't necessary' on the contrary I think it would benefit you both a great deal. Its just that, like everything else, you can't force your spouse to do it. It would be different if he were the wayward, of course.

What aspects of MB does he have issue with? Maybe you could use your new found POJA skills to discuss the policies he doesn't like in a way that he knows its his choice.

If you've both been lovebusting and not POJAing for a whole year - time to get serious. Recovery takes a couple of years so you cannot begin it too soon.

I take it you haven't had any guidance with recovery with either a marriage coach or the home programme, SH or your own thread. That sounds tough to do on your own.

Your BH sounds open minded to MB, if not signed up. Would he do a session with SH to see how it fits? Make it clear he can pull out any time.

What about asking Dr H the question on the radio? What to do if the BS doesn't want to do MB? I think that's slightly unusual as its usually the other way around.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Here's a good show of Dr. Harley telling the couple to stop talking about the affair. Maybe listen to it with Mr. WAW?
Radio clip
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4

BH,

You must have posted this Radio Clip on another thread because I have heard it. I took notes this time about recovery in general because the clip covers that pretty well.

Regarding talking about the affair, Dr H asked the BW whether she know how often they were together, whether they had S, what they talked about, whether they had plans for the future. His thoughts were if she had gotten that information she had enough information, even if she did not know everything, she had enough crucial information.

My husband has recently mentioned not knowing what I discussed with POSOM (although he definitely knows a lot because he brings it up) and he does not believe that we had no plans for the future. At this point my husband knows as much or more than I do. I have buried the memory of the affair but he remembers every word I have ever said about it.

Someone on another thread has asked a FWW to remember how good it felt to be in the arms of her POSOM (sorry I do not remember the context). A vet quickly said that one should never ask a FWW to do that. I hope my husband will stop demanding that I do. I will not spend another moment of my life living those nasty months. There is no value in going back there again. I know what I did. I do not need to roll in the slime of those memories to know how awful my behavior was. There is nothing good in what I did.




Me-41 (WW)
DH-46 (BH)
DD-7, DS-11, DD-15
Together 20 years, married 16
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