I am having some serious difficulty here. After being discovered at the end of July, my wife is claiming that other than having feelings for the OM's well being, she has no feelings for him at all. After being discovered, the OM showed his true colors, which was that he never really cared about my wife, that everything that he had told her about caring for her was a lie. Even after he showed her that he really didn't care and has even gone as far as to calling her a whore, she continues to make excuses about his behavior. She maintains that she has not had contact with him since being discovered, I am the one who has spoken to him several times over the phone, yet by making excuses for some of the things that he has said to me, I feel that she still has alot stronger feelings for the OM than she is letting on. Is going through withdrawal a must?, I have never seen any signs of withdrawal, other than a drastic loss of weight, which she attributes to feelings of guilt. In a matter of weeks, she stated that she no longer loved him, that she realized that much of what she felt was based on a fantasy, is that normal for feelings of loving unconditionally would fade in a matter of weeks? For nearly 1 one year she was involved with this man emotionally and for at least 3 months sexually. She knew that he never loved her and that he loved his wife, yet she could still love him unconditionally, could she possibly still love him unconditionally, even now that she knows that he never really cared at all? By defending him, that is what I feel, am I being paranoid because of the pain that I feel or is there something that she is still hiding, either to herself or me?

F A<P>It has been my observation with my h. that he has only been able to see the OW clearly in small bits and pieces. She lied to him, cheated on him with another man in the office, and was actually very overt in getting him to start the affair. It has taken months for him to deal with the fact that he made a really dumb choice and risked everything we had together for someone so totally self-centered and unconcerned about him and his future. Be patient, I think it is a defense mechanism in their brain that protects them from flipping out over the stupidity of their choice. <P>The light will dawn, but it takes a lot of patience (months and months) before they really are set free. I would keep checking to be sure there really isn't any contact.<BR>Does she look you in the eyes when she says she hasn't contacted him?<P>LIZ<P>------------------<BR>When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. Isaiah 43:2<P><BR>

F A I think withdrawl is always present no matter what. After all even though she knew he probably didn't love her, she still felt something for him. And that will have to go trough withdrawl until it's completely resolved. It doesn't mean that she still feels that way for him, he doesn't even mean that she still likes him, but it means that the whole situation has to adjust and get out of her system.<BR>Knowing he didn't love her can also now make her self esteem be low and by defending him she might be trying to make it a little less painfull ( like he cared a bit for her ) so she's not that "unloved".<BR>I know it's hard. It's always hard. But if you see that she is making an effort to adjust to the situation and to rebuild with you, don't attach too much to this. It's a normal phase that will pass.<BR>Concentrate on working on what needs to be worked on and in making her feel loved despite her mistake. She is hurting too - I know it's not your fault, but if you chose to stay by her, stay by her in this too, and understand her pain, her remorse and her need for understanding.<BR>There's a lot to reconstruct, and it's difficult sometimes, but the results can be very rewarding <BR>Take care<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.