My husband of 22 years has decided he doesnt know if we have what it will take to better our marriage. In his heart we dont but he wants time to pray about it and decide. This limbo has been going on a week. No intimacy. He has made himself more busy and gets home later than normal daily 12v1:30 am. He has been unfaithful several times and had alcolhol issues before but, in last 2 years has been working on it and helped rebuild my trust. He wants more sex while he decides. I want him to decide already. I dont feel I should give my all to, quite possibly (according to his feelings) be rejected shortly nor do I feel I have to "try out" to be his wife. Am i wrong?

Two things:

First, there are serious red flags here. Given the history of unfaithfulness, it sure sounds like you are on that path again.

Second, you don't HAVE to do anything. But it almost sounds as if you expect love to be unconditional. If that is your thinking, then you don't fully understand romantic love.

Romantic love is predicated on meeting your spouse's most intimate emotional needs. So if SF is his top need and you are not meeting it, you will not build romantic love.

I'm not saying you should have more sex with him. What I'm saying that it's not unreasonable for him to say this is what need to have a good marriage and make a request for it.

But, and it's a big but, if he is having an affair, then I understand the reluctance of meeting that need. But then that proves the point I make about unconditional love.

You don't unconditionally love him based on your reluctance to meet his stated need for sex. He doesn't unconditionally love you because he indicates the conditions cause him to question your romantic relationship.

Bottom line, find out if there is an affair. If so, the first step is to decide if you want to fight the affair, or send him off.

Once you've determined and decided, then folks here can help you with your next steps.

Welcome to MB.

Please read.
What's Wrong With Unconditional Love #1

He is having another affair. I would hire a PI to put a tail on him for a few days and bust him. Is he an alcoholic?

Here you go Private Investigators

I guess because he has stated he doesnt think we have what it takes to do the work reuired to make this work, I am hesitant to be "all in" for him to have sex and he still reject the marriage. Besides, if I have sex with him now, I will probably cry the entire time. But, now he is sooo focused on us having sex (because I said no) but he still says he hasnt decided if he wants to stay together or separate......He said he just wants to have sex and I should separate the two and not be stuck....when I told him HE wouldnt even advise a woman to do that, he said, he is not talking about anyone else but us. What?!

He is a recovering alcoholic but he has not touched the stuff for over two years. That is one reason this hurts so. We fought together through his infidelities and alcoholism, infertility, his finding his career, all that and NOW that all the kinks have worked out fairly smoothly, he wants to separate now that I am dealing with some stuff (increased job responsibilities, a sick parent). This blows my mind...

What are you going to do to verify if he is having an affair or not?

Alpha, did you see our posts about hiring a PI? And I would not have sex with him because he may have an STD.

What prompted him to make this statement?

I also think it seems very likely he is another affair. I see a lot of wayward talk by him in your post. I agree with everyone here. You need to verify it so you can end it.

He feels we have tried to work through our issues but this sex issue continues to be an issue. He is correct but he was also cheating, or drinking and hanging out with women "friends" inappropriately which in some instances may not have been actual cheating (he wont admit to all I suspected but has has admitted some, if caught or closely caught) but it definitely appeared so. We worked thru it many, many times and eventually intimacy resumed after a doctors visit and some counseling. My issue with that is every time we would go to a counselor, they wanted us to continue but we didnt. Sometimes because of money or we just were not progressing or we felt better.
The last 2 years he HAS made changes. He was better but in the same time, I had to care for and then i lost my Dad to cancer, my mom was diagnosed with dementia, my nephew was killed and brother in law died. Our oldest two went to college. It has been a hellish year and a half. Recently, I got a new, stressful position at work. So much i cant detail....
HE doesnt want to work on it. In his heart, he feels it is over. He has been going to co unseling for a VA issue and I went. He and I got into and he said he was done. Then, he changed his mind, went to a weeklong conference and we are back in limbo land again. I feel i should press him to make a decision. He is living the life of Riley now "betwixt and between" and I am seething inside...

I encourage you to read Surviving an Affair by Bill Harley. Available on Amazon or your local bookstore

Well, it all has come to a head. He stayed out all Saturday until 1:13 am and wouldnt say where he was. Id tried to reach him numerous times. His Pastors anniversary was Sunday and although I WASNT Going, I decided to go because the members do put alot of effort into thiscelebration and NOT going would be a major thing and a serious LB. We went but when we got home I asked again. Hesaid hedidnt want to talk and started watching tv so I took the remote and he left. Came back and I got his phone. Early monday morning, he gets a text from the choir director saying "Good morning baby. I hope u got good rest. I will talk with you soon have a great day im reall y loving you." blah blah... so thats the answer. She has always been extremely friendly to me. I am surprised. I responded that loving him was my job. Read her BIBLE and know that all these secrets will come to the light.

He got mad of course. I forwarded the message to his brother and a few of our friends in ministry. This evening he came home and was undressed like he was staying. But then decided to get dressed and packed a couple items and said he was going to a couples house we know. When I called the wife, she said she knew nothing about him coming over and staying and it is\was her birthday. She was out at dinner. She and I are to talk ltr today.

I am tempted to forward to my husbands head deacon and our personal, home church pastor but I am sooo confused.

I have 2 attorney consults tomorrow�

A+O, I haven't read your whole thread, but I just wanted to mention that according to Dr. Harley, NOT doing something is NOT a love buster. If a person wants their husband or wife to do something, it needs to be something they are both enthusiastic about. That is the Policy of Joint Agreement. It is not a Love Buster to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement and decline to do things you are not enthusiastic about -- it's a requirement for a good marriage!

Yes, if the choir director is sending affectionate notes to your husband, you should tell the church about it. That is what the Bible says to do in Matthew 18, and as you observed, the Bible says that the things done in secret will be brought to light.

That is God's will, and I think you should go along with it.

Part of Plan A is allowing the wayward spouse to bear the consequences of their own actions.

A+O, this is important. You are in a crisis situation, and you need to be reading up on what to do.

In addition to the book, I suggest reading the infidelity section on this website and viewing Dr. Harley's video:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi1001_infidelity0.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

Take some time to educate yourself. The actions you take are going to be crucial.

You can also write to Dr. Harley on his radio show for help:
mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

A+O, I hope it is obvious by now that these comments from your husband were a load of baloney designed to string you along and keep you jumping. There is NO WAY that you can change anything that will make him want to better the marriage when he is living the DISGUSTING lifestyle of active adultery. Waywards (husbands and wives) are happy to have their cake and eat it too, saying incredibly cruel things to try to get their spouse to do more, blaming their unfaithfulness on their spouse, etc. Of course neither he nor you "has what it takes" to make a marriage better WITH AN AFFAIR GOING ON.

You will need to fight this affair. Your primary weapon will be exposing their dark works to everybody who has an influence in their lives. Since this is a church affair, that means especially exposing at church. I would go to the pastor IN TEARS and BEG him to take decisive action for the sake of your marriage. If he did not discipline these two as the Bible requires, I would never attend that church again as long as I live. And I would let EVERYBODY know what is going on. His family, her family, their church friends, the church leadership.

Your children need for this affair to be over. They need you to disrupt it as much as possible. Can you stand up and fight for what is right?

Any time he blames sex or anything else for being the problem in your marriage, you need to counter that the problem is HIS UNFAITHFULNESS. If he ends his affairs and takes extraordinary precautions to protect your marriage, then you can work through all the relationship problems to rebuild together, and that would include sex.


Unfortunately most marriage counselors are pretty lousy. Trying to counsel a marriage where one spouse will not take the steps that are required to affair proof a marriage is a waste of time, and a good way to drive the faithful spouse to insanity or permanently damage her health.