Hello.<P>My marriage was wonderful! We were doing our little dance on the carpet of life and WHAM... I found my husband was just "talking" to another woman this year... I begged him to stop, but he said she was just a friend and she needed someone to talk to.<P>One day he came home with a strange look on his face... then... I knew.. A wife just knows. At that point, I knew that it changed. I knew he slept with her. The pain was so unbearable.. I didnt know much about her, just that she worked in a store that he went to.<P>The time was right.. I hired a P.I. and had him followed to her house where he spend 4 hours.<P>Now the ultimatum. I told him he now had to make a choice. I told him he could put whoever he wants in his life, but I would not stay married to him as long as she was there. <P>He never admitted to sex, but behavior and smells...etc, had proven otherwise. I found out her name and where she lived.<P>He had just turned 39 this year and did not handle it well. He had all the signs of the mid-life-crisis.<P>I told him, he only had one chance and one chance only... he begged me that I was the one he loved and she is not worth the "trouble".<P>I still never knew the details, but it went on about 2 months before the ultimatum.<P>We have now resumed the wonderful relationship we always had.. he compliments me again, laughs with me again... and only admits he was "afraid of getting old".<P>Me.. .well it was harder for me.. my therapist put me on Paxil because I could not control my thoughts as to where he was, and if he loved me etc... I questioned him all the time.. If he wore shoes as opposed to sneakers, I had myself conviniced it was not over... I was creating my own hell.<P>I was opposed to medication because I dont even like to take aspirin, however my marriage deserved the chance.. without paxil, he was continually guilty. I kept creating my own scenerios as to where he was. I could not work, or think straight.<P>Now with paxil, I see things for face value and do not OBSESS anymore. Of course I keep thinking what the heck happened, and I am cautious, however, I have my life back.. I can also say to myself, if it happens again, I AM GONE.<P>We love each other with all our hearts and would die if anything happened to each other. I prayed for help and I was sent PAXIL. I finally was able to let him love me again without looking at him [censored]-eyed.<P>My question is are we resuming the loving wonderful marriage even though I know no details about the marriage. For me I think so. There is no man like this in the world. People would not understand, but I guess he came to terms with this "cheap" relationship.. you know... after having oatmeal cookies for so many years.. you decide to try the oreo cookie.. but finally realize that the old oatmeal cookie was better for you anyway... good luck all....

I also forgot to mention... Yes I still wonder if there are needs of his I did not meet. I will never know. He has said I am a wonderful perfect wife to him.<P>Perhaps if he tell me of those needs that were not met, it would give away the extent of the relationship??<P>

My H had just turned 40 when he had his brief kissy face thing. It took me months to believe it was not sex, but actually some circumstancial stuff actually swayed my opinion and although I will never be 100%, I am reasonably sure he walked away or was at least walking before the deed was done. In fact I think his OW was actually presuring him to have sex as well as leave his family and that was part of the reason he was ending it as I was discovering it. I think she "woke him up". If she was more subtle or more patient, the situation may have gotten worse. She was also drank too much, smoked and swore...and had been with a lot of married men...(hmm...who would have seen that coming?)...so he found she was no prize.<P>Although since my H left enough clues that he might as well put up a billboard, he was stingy with details. I know he thought he was protecting me from the unsavory, he was embarrassed and since in his mind it was "so over" he did not want it part of our shared experience. Everything he did tell me made me feel better and more confident, but I think some of the micro details may be better unsaid.<P>Best of luck to you!<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

RainieB<P> Thanks for posting that you have made it threw. I needed to here that some people make it. I was very pleased at first how things were going after discovery about 5 weeks ago. Then one night m W came and told me that she has tried to give up on OM & could not. She did not know what she was going to do but she told me she has falling in love with him but she loves me. But not in love anymore. We cried together & held each other all night. <BR>Two Days later I handed her a note telling her I still love her & hope things can work out. But I told her that she had to leave that I could not stay in an uncommitted marriage. That has been a week & a half ago. Last night we spoke for a wile and she has told me she wants her life back but doesn't know how. She still has feelings for OM that are very strong I told her that we can talk any time she wants but I will not call her. She has asked for time to think things out. I pray every day that god will show her the way to come back home to me & our twin 7 year old girls. They miss her very much. As do I. <BR>My councilor has told me that I can not let her come back home unless she transfers or quits her job. & I think she knows that to. She relay does love her job even if OM was not there. The waiting is the hardest part. I have heard that so many have come back wanting to work & some don't. How long were you in this waiting game before your H decided he wanted to come back to you.<P>I do know that I want her back & want to work on filling her needs but I just need to know that she wants to be there to try. Your story has given my some hope. But I will always pray that God will be there for me & my kids & my Wife. <P><P>------------------<BR>

Lotsofhope,<P>My husband never left. I hired a P.I. right before he went away to visit his mother and gave him the ultimatum the day before he left to see her.<P>I told him he had 7 days to figure out what he wanted, and that if he could not, one of our bags would be packed. The extremem pain made me ready for the ultimatum, nothing could hurt worse at that time. I decided not having him would be less painful than having him in my life.<P>While he was gone he called me everday and told me he was reflecting on how lonely life would be without me. I dont think he fell in love with the other woman, he told me that he kept telling her, "I love my wife". So it may have been easier for him.<P>I also do not have children. What got us through is the love and wonderful marriage we had before his relationship with her.<P>I will never know what needs were not met, if any, but we are resuming where we left off. I just think his self esteem and ego were deflated and she came along and made him feel extra wonderful. We have 6 years of marriage, and I think things were very comfortable for him. I think he needed to ride the waves.<P>Well this year we had more fun this summer than ever. I told myself I am not going to show him I am afraid of anything!! That is the only thing I could figure out on my own. I think I was not willing to take enough chances, like fly etc..<P>This summer I flew, rode on his motorcycle with him the whole bit, and I had a great time. I helped him feel "YOUNG".

LotsofHope, she really needs to make up her mind one way or the other for you to start healing.<P>You cannot stay in limbo like that. Keep praying that the answer will come soon, and not that she will come home. You will get your answer.

Any other input will be appreciated!!

RainieB, <BR> You've got the right idea in getting involved in his life like that. Mortocycle and flying and all. I've been trying for over a year now to get involved in my H's hobbies. He hasn't really included me but I think we're possibly getting closer. You're example is helping me greatly...