Wow - What a couple weeks. Exposure accomplished. One of her relatives found a bunch of info about what a scumbag this guy is (abandoned daughter that he lied to my wife about having no kids, multiple restraining orders, multiple engagements, Master in Psychology allows him to manipulate her, history of churning through relationships ending in restraining orders, etc.) and informed my wife, who then got alarmed and ended the affair. However, she ended mentally, but not emotionally so her heart is still attached, and she thinks she can still be friends and text him. I know this is ridiculous, but she just doesn't see it. She's hiding the fact she's communicating with him, and meeting him for coffee, but also hates the fact that there's no more trust!

Am I reading all the material correctly, that at this point she's in the Withdrawl state, and I need to basically compete with this guy to meet those emotional needs where she ultimately drops him? Should I turn a blind eye to her communication to him at this point?

No you need to make sure all contacted is ended. Will she write a NC letter?

How do you know she's still communicating with him?

Who all did you expose on OM's side?

She ended it via text, but didn't put in strong enough language for me. "I've made my decision, think we should part ways, I care for my spouse & family, please respect my choice" vs. slamming that door shut, so of course he has been texting back...

Should I force an ultimatum, NoContact or move out, or bear it and try to win her over by trying to meet her emotional needs instead of him?

Oh, and when I asked, she told me she's in communication with him, and when I asked about her going to "study at Starbucks", she admitted she was meeting him there. Maddening...

I've been the "addicted" party and I can speak from experience, it's better if she slams the door, deletes his number, deletes all email and any other correspondence, stops going to places where she knows he'll be and cuts off all contact. Unfortunately, she's addicted to this man and it'll be difficult for her to completely let go. I'm not justifying it, but I've been there and I hate to admit it, but it took several tries for me before it "took." I admire your patience and love. When my now ex-hubby (we are working on getting back together) stepped in and started fulfilling my needs, it was a lot easier to cut off, so I say, give it a whirl. He now calls and texts me multiple times per day, with just little silly, flirty, fun and encouraging messages, causing me to feel loved and and leaving no room or desire to bother with anyone else. It's a wonderful feeling. Good luck to you. She's lucky to have someone who is willing to look past her faults and mistakes and still want to be with her and love her. I hope she realizes it soon.

You demand she ends her affair and writes a proper NC letter that you approve. No Contact letter samples

Who on OM's side did you expose?

Okay, I'll type slowly so you can take your time reading it:

I.f...y.o.u.r...w.i.f.e...i.s...s.t.i.l.l...m.e.e.t.i.n.g...h.i.m.,...
t.h.e...a.f.f.a.i.r...h.a.s...n.o.t...b.e.e.n...s.u.i.t.a.b.l.y...e.n.d.e.d.!.!.!

What happened to the advised nuclear exposure that has worked for dozens of folks here. To review:

Your note to the principal, the school board president,
the director of athletics, the teacher union president,
and whatever parent/teacher group is extant in your
situation, and (if you have one) your friend the local
reporter, will be the hammer you want to bring down!
Recklessness right now will be a virtue, so after retaining
him, copy the nastiest, most tenacious lawyer in town
as your counsel in pursuing remedy from their lack of
oversight and control over their employee. Rather than
YOU deciding how the moral behavior clause might apply,
get THEM wetting themselves to find out how THEY can
use it to discard this liability!

From your note exposure consisted of informing WW that the guy that has been railing her cheating butt has done this before! Ohhhhhh, big shock!

OM Exposure included other teachers, counselors, principal, vice principal, school district investigator. Principal launched a formal district investigation & he's out on administrative leave pending investigation with orders to not contact any student or parent. I was told any further contact from him would be seen as insubordination.

Is your wife in touch with him, MK?

Unless a clear cut has been established, confirmed, maintained, with continued verification, and with the level of fogation Im sensing here, you got more work to do.

No work for this guy could be lots of free time now to...well, you know.

Stay alert.

What is your WW saying? Have you changed her cell phone number? Have you told her that she will need to leave your home if she continues contacting OM?

Remind me, please: is OM married?

Bliss he is single and a teacher at his kid's school.

Thanks BH - so...what has your WW done?

Well allrighty, then....

Congrats on tossing the exposure grenade, sir. It seems it struck a nerve with the school principal. (Kudos to him for his guts to take action!)

Now, you need to reinforce to WW the requirements you will demand from her NOT to end your marriage on your terms, due to her infidelity.

Your position should be that the marriage is damaged, but not yet destroyed. She has much work to do to save it. What is her choice?

Thanks - I agree the marrigage is damaged, but not destroyed! Well, she isn't telling me anything about any intentions to try to fix it, but I get evidence 3rd hand of her communication to sister/friends saying "I need to fix it" or "I've got to my issues to work out". We had a good open talk, and she said she's had a claustrophobic feeling of being confined to her marriage/role in life for the past 5 years, and in hindsight I see that she has slowly been moving towards very independent behavior. She's at home full time, and seems to have stopped seeing him, but I don't know if that's because she doesn't want to jeopardize him with his do not contact order imposed by school district. She has been honest with me whenever I ask about her contact with him. I've been trying to meet her emotional needs to "steal her back" from him, but no evidence it's working yet. I'm about to go away for a week long business trip, and am wondering if I should keep in touch with her regularly, or if perhaps I should not at all and hope absence makes the heart grow fonder!?

I've been trying to meet her emotional needs to "steal her back" from him, but no evidence it's working yet.

Patience, dude. Think of your WW as starting at "zero" love for you right now (possibly even a negative value.) You have to "Plan A" her love bank a whole spitload to see the effect - six months is probably minimum.

I'm about to go away for a week long business trip, and am wondering if I should keep in touch with her regularly, or if perhaps I should not at all and hope absence makes the heart grow fonder!?

Neither! Cancel your trip! It's guaranteed that in your absence she will resume contact with him. There is no "maybe" about this. Cancel your trip or have an appointment with a lawyer already arranged for your first day back, because you'll need it.

mrkie,

It is essential you get her (demand) to send him a no-contact letter. The template is on this site and you need to approve the wording.

She will come up with a hundred excuses why not to send the letter:

"I don't want to hurt him further.."
"It's already over, there is no need for a letter..."
"I need closure my own way..."
"I want the two of us to remain friends..."
"I don't want him to think badly of me..."

The truth is, refusal to send the no contact letter means there is still contact ongoing and there will continue to be communication. This is true 100% of the time, there are no exceptions.

No steps toward recovery can be taken until no contact is established, and it cannot be established without the letter.

The truth is, refusal to send the no contact letter means there is still contact ongoing and there will continue to be communication. This is true 100% of the time, there are no exceptions.[color:#000099][/color]

It was true in my case...

Here.
No Contact Letter-Samples

She has been without contact for a couple weeks now because she doesn't want him to get fired. I agree the NC is needed, and she agrees she needs to take steps to repair marriage, but says she isn't ready for any steps yet. I can continue Plan A for a while and try to fill her love bank.

If she refuses no contact she is still having the affair