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L2010NM Offline OP
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Tried to find my old posts but can't find it.

H registered for the online course last year in November and we haven't done much because it's not a priority for him. I've asked numerous times if we can watch the videos and he'll say that we'll do it but when it comes down to watching the videos he has tons of excuses. We spent $1k on this online course and the key to success is in our grasp but I can't do it by myself.

H also doesn't like me reading or posting here so I just check once in a while when he's not around (I admit IB on my part). I also emailed Joyce a few months ago and she wanted us to do the radio show but my H wasn't comfortable doing it. I was willing to do the show myself but he did not want our situation in public. I want to do it myself but it's a major IB on my part. He said that we should just focus on our online course.

Few months later, still zero activity. And now we only have one month to go, we can renew for another $500 but what's the point?

We spend over 20 hours together BUT I don't think it's considered meeting our most emotional needs. He loves watching movies at home and holding hands (we couldn't cuddle coz we have movie theatre seats). He's gained several pounds with such inactivity. I'd ask him to go for a run with me and he doesn't want to, I even asked if he wants to ride on his bike and run and he doesn't like that either.

One of his complaint about me is that he wants me to focus on him ALL the time when he's around. That means I shouldn't cook, do household chores, workout, be in the Internet or whatever else that doesn't focus on him. All he wants is watch tv/movies and have sex. Even on my day off and we're in town, he'll go home early and I set that day aside to catch up on household chores and I have to postpone or rush what I'm doing so I could be with him most watching tv or sex.

Second is overnight trips and he has a valid point on this one. With all our sessions with Jennifer, this one he remembers. 90-95% of the time I go with him. I'm in the hotel right now while he's working. We'll be back Sunday and he's leaving again on Monday and won't be back until Wednesday. I'm not going on the next trip with him. I find that it's very hard to attain.

A typical scenario so I could be with my H would be: to change my schedule at work (I now work part-time on a flexible schedule), ask my parents or H parents to stay at our house to watch the kids, tell the kids, sometimes drop our dog to the kennel and book my airfare.

When I'm out of town, he's working and I'm left on my own. Sometimes it's good and I can catch up on my emails but I'm mostly bored. But H can still hook up with another OW if he wants to. I can't be him 24/7 if he has poor boundaries it's going to happen eventually.

I've exhausted all my resources to have a wonderful M. Is separation the next step?


Me: BS/FWW - 38
BH/FWH - 36
Married 13 years, together 17 years
Two boys: 9 & 12
OW#1 DDay: PA Nov 26, 2009 (July 2008-July 2009)
OW#2 DDay: PA Nov 29, 2009 (May 2009-Sept 2009)

Me: EA/PA (RA?) June 2010-Sept 2010
His DDay: Oct 2010
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,445
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Originally Posted By: L2010NM
Tried to find my old posts but can't find it.

To find your own posts, click "my stuff' underneath the welcome message.

To find them now you've started this thread, click on your name.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Sep 2008
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Originally Posted By: L2010NM
Tried to find my old posts but can't find it.

H registered for the online course last year in November and we haven't done much because it's not a priority for him. I've asked numerous times if we can watch the videos and he'll say that we'll do it but when it comes down to watching the videos he has tons of excuses. We spent $1k on this online course and the key to success is in our grasp but I can't do it by myself.

H also doesn't like me reading or posting here so I just check once in a while when he's not around (I admit IB on my part). I also emailed Joyce a few months ago and she wanted us to do the radio show but my H wasn't comfortable doing it. I was willing to do the show myself but he did not want our situation in public. I want to do it myself but it's a major IB on my part. He said that we should just focus on our online course.

Few months later, still zero activity. And now we only have one month to go, we can renew for another $500 but what's the point?

We spend over 20 hours together BUT I don't think it's considered meeting our most emotional needs. He loves watching movies at home and holding hands (we couldn't cuddle coz we have movie theatre seats). He's gained several pounds with such inactivity. I'd ask him to go for a run with me and he doesn't want to, I even asked if he wants to ride on his bike and run and he doesn't like that either.

One of his complaint about me is that he wants me to focus on him ALL the time when he's around. That means I shouldn't cook, do household chores, workout, be in the Internet or whatever else that doesn't focus on him. All he wants is watch tv/movies and have sex. Even on my day off and we're in town, he'll go home early and I set that day aside to catch up on household chores and I have to postpone or rush what I'm doing so I could be with him most watching tv or sex.

Second is overnight trips and he has a valid point on this one. With all our sessions with Jennifer, this one he remembers. 90-95% of the time I go with him. I'm in the hotel right now while he's working. We'll be back Sunday and he's leaving again on Monday and won't be back until Wednesday. I'm not going on the next trip with him. I find that it's very hard to attain.

A typical scenario so I could be with my H would be: to change my schedule at work (I now work part-time on a flexible schedule), ask my parents or H parents to stay at our house to watch the kids, tell the kids, sometimes drop our dog to the kennel and book my airfare.

When I'm out of town, he's working and I'm left on my own. Sometimes it's good and I can catch up on my emails but I'm mostly bored. But H can still hook up with another OW if he wants to. I can't be him 24/7 if he has poor boundaries it's going to happen eventually.

I've exhausted all my resources to have a wonderful M. Is separation the next step?

I'd be really interested to see Dr H's direct answer to this problem. Would you consider posting it on the private forum? You have access to that for life, even if you never finish the online course.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
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Quote:
We spend over 20 hours together BUT I don't think it's considered meeting our most emotional needs.
You need to spend 20 hours per week in UNDIVIDED attention. That means no TV, no other outside distractions. It means you and your H one-on-one, meeting each other's needs. Please tell us how you are doing that.
Quote:
H also doesn't like me reading or posting here so I just check once in a while when he's not around (I admit IB on my part).
I'm sorry you have to hide this resource. Why doesn't he like you to read or post here?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Originally Posted By: L2010NM
I also emailed Joyce a few months ago and she wanted us to do the radio show but my H wasn't comfortable doing it. I was willing to do the show myself but he did not want our situation in public.


That's no reason for him to keep you imprisoned in a bad marriage. Your situation is no different from a thousand other people in the same boat; there is nothing "public" about revealing a situation that is identical to so many other people.

Quote:
I want to do it myself but it's a major IB on my part.


Dr. Harley would not say it is independent behavior for you to reach out for help. Especially if he has had an affair or been abusive (or both). Affair situations (including getting into recovery) are an exception to the policy of joint agreement.

Quote:
He said that we should just focus on our online course.


But it was a lie, since he's not actually doing that.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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SugarCane makes a good point: post directly to Dr. Harley, and ask him what he advises your next step to be.

We'll help here all we can.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 76
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L2010NM Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: SugarCane
Originally Posted By: L2010NM
Tried to find my old posts but can't find it.

To find your own posts, click "my stuff' underneath the welcome message.

To find them now you've started this thread, click on your name.


Thanks SC! I'll try to remember next time.


Me: BS/FWW - 38
BH/FWH - 36
Married 13 years, together 17 years
Two boys: 9 & 12
OW#1 DDay: PA Nov 26, 2009 (July 2008-July 2009)
OW#2 DDay: PA Nov 29, 2009 (May 2009-Sept 2009)

Me: EA/PA (RA?) June 2010-Sept 2010
His DDay: Oct 2010
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 76
L
L2010NM Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 76
Originally Posted By: SugarCane
Originally Posted By: L2010NM
Tried to find my old posts but can't find it.

H registered for the online course last year in November and we haven't done much because it's not a priority for him. I've asked numerous times if we can watch the videos and he'll say that we'll do it but when it comes down to watching the videos he has tons of excuses. We spent $1k on this online course and the key to success is in our grasp but I can't do it by myself.

H also doesn't like me reading or posting here so I just check once in a while when he's not around (I admit IB on my part). I also emailed Joyce a few months ago and she wanted us to do the radio show but my H wasn't comfortable doing it. I was willing to do the show myself but he did not want our situation in public. I want to do it myself but it's a major IB on my part. He said that we should just focus on our online course.

Few months later, still zero activity. And now we only have one month to go, we can renew for another $500 but what's the point?

We spend over 20 hours together BUT I don't think it's considered meeting our most emotional needs. He loves watching movies at home and holding hands (we couldn't cuddle coz we have movie theatre seats). He's gained several pounds with such inactivity. I'd ask him to go for a run with me and he doesn't want to, I even asked if he wants to ride on his bike and run and he doesn't like that either.

One of his complaint about me is that he wants me to focus on him ALL the time when he's around. That means I shouldn't cook, do household chores, workout, be in the Internet or whatever else that doesn't focus on him. All he wants is watch tv/movies and have sex. Even on my day off and we're in town, he'll go home early and I set that day aside to catch up on household chores and I have to postpone or rush what I'm doing so I could be with him most watching tv or sex.

Second is overnight trips and he has a valid point on this one. With all our sessions with Jennifer, this one he remembers. 90-95% of the time I go with him. I'm in the hotel right now while he's working. We'll be back Sunday and he's leaving again on Monday and won't be back until Wednesday. I'm not going on the next trip with him. I find that it's very hard to attain.

A typical scenario so I could be with my H would be: to change my schedule at work (I now work part-time on a flexible schedule), ask my parents or H parents to stay at our house to watch the kids, tell the kids, sometimes drop our dog to the kennel and book my airfare.

When I'm out of town, he's working and I'm left on my own. Sometimes it's good and I can catch up on my emails but I'm mostly bored. But H can still hook up with another OW if he wants to. I can't be him 24/7 if he has poor boundaries it's going to happen eventually.

I've exhausted all my resources to have a wonderful M. Is separation the next step?

I'd be really interested to see Dr H's direct answer to this problem. Would you consider posting it on the private forum? You have access to that for life, even if you never finish the online course.


I can't get to the private forum until we finish the videos, I don't think we need to finish the online course but we need to finish the videos at least. Here's the reply from our accountability coach:

Once you and 'H' complete the seminar you will be receiving an email with instructions for registering for the Private Forum.

I replied that I would really like to speak with Dr H since we are having problems completing the videos, response:

I wanted to let you know I spoke with Dr. Harley this morning. I shared your questions and concerns regarding how to get 'H' to complete the seminar. He suggested that you email the radio show and ask for suggestions. He said, that would be a good topic to do a segment [i]on.[/i]

I've been tempted to watch the videos myself so I can finally have access to the private forum.


Me: BS/FWW - 38
BH/FWH - 36
Married 13 years, together 17 years
Two boys: 9 & 12
OW#1 DDay: PA Nov 26, 2009 (July 2008-July 2009)
OW#2 DDay: PA Nov 29, 2009 (May 2009-Sept 2009)

Me: EA/PA (RA?) June 2010-Sept 2010
His DDay: Oct 2010
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 76
L
L2010NM Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 76
Originally Posted By: maritalbliss
Quote:
We spend over 20 hours together BUT I don't think it's considered meeting our most emotional needs.
You need to spend 20 hours per week in UNDIVIDED attention. That means no TV, no other outside distractions. It means you and your H one-on-one, meeting each other's needs. Please tell us how you are doing that.
Quote:
H also doesn't like me reading or posting here so I just check once in a while when he's not around (I admit IB on my part).
I'm sorry you have to hide this resource. Why doesn't he like you to read or post here?



I don't think we spend 20 hours per week in UNDIVIDED attention although we spend a lot of time together. We go out to dinner 2-3 times per week just the two of us and we cuddle a lot. One of H top EN is affection, so we hold hands A LOT. We hold hands everywhere even in the car he likes to be close all the time. And we spoon all the time. But he probably would like more SF. As for my top EN of conversation, I noticed that he's improved and can hold a conversation a lot better than before. He's not a natural but I'm happy that he's making an effort.

He said that it's depressing. It's quite the opposite for me, I definitely agree that MB has been a valuable resource especially in getting me out of my own fog.

But it could also be that MB became a competition. He likes me to focus my undivided attention on him every time we're together. So anything that I focus other than him pretty much gets shuts down. Meaning I can't read a book when we're in bed, do household chores, do planning, be on the phone too long, reply to an email or be in the internet too long, workout while he's around. Basically when I'm with him, my time is his otherwise he thinks he's not the priority. I do like to be with him a lot but I need to do some work too.


Me: BS/FWW - 38
BH/FWH - 36
Married 13 years, together 17 years
Two boys: 9 & 12
OW#1 DDay: PA Nov 26, 2009 (July 2008-July 2009)
OW#2 DDay: PA Nov 29, 2009 (May 2009-Sept 2009)

Me: EA/PA (RA?) June 2010-Sept 2010
His DDay: Oct 2010
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 76
L
L2010NM Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 76
Originally Posted By: markos
Originally Posted By: L2010NM
I also emailed Joyce a few months ago and she wanted us to do the radio show but my H wasn't comfortable doing it. I was willing to do the show myself but he did not want our situation in public.


That's no reason for him to keep you imprisoned in a bad marriage. Your situation is no different from a thousand other people in the same boat; there is nothing "public" about revealing a situation that is identical to so many other people.

Quote:
I want to do it myself but it's a major IB on my part.


Dr. Harley would not say it is independent behavior for you to reach out for help. Especially if he has had an affair or been abusive (or both). Affair situations (including getting into recovery) are an exception to the policy of joint agreement.

Quote:
He said that we should just focus on our online course.


But it was a lie, since he's not actually doing that.


It's unfortunate that he didn't want to do the radio, we might be in a better situation if we had.

I'm so glad you said that, I felt that I was in a catch 22 when I'm doomed if I asked for help because I'm love busting and then be stagnant in this M. I know that my M can be great but I can't do it alone and it's so disheartening that my H isn't on board with the MB recovery.

You're right, it's actually a lie! I thought I was being demanding but I think I've been patient for the past year.


Me: BS/FWW - 38
BH/FWH - 36
Married 13 years, together 17 years
Two boys: 9 & 12
OW#1 DDay: PA Nov 26, 2009 (July 2008-July 2009)
OW#2 DDay: PA Nov 29, 2009 (May 2009-Sept 2009)

Me: EA/PA (RA?) June 2010-Sept 2010
His DDay: Oct 2010
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 76
L
L2010NM Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 76
Originally Posted By: markos
SugarCane makes a good point: post directly to Dr. Harley, and ask him what he advises your next step to be.

We'll help here all we can.


That's what I've been trying to do the past several months, see my reply from SugarCane.

We have less than a month in our accountability, I'll email our accountability coach again and see if I could at least get in the private forum and hopefully get a chance to post directly to Dr H.


Me: BS/FWW - 38
BH/FWH - 36
Married 13 years, together 17 years
Two boys: 9 & 12
OW#1 DDay: PA Nov 26, 2009 (July 2008-July 2009)
OW#2 DDay: PA Nov 29, 2009 (May 2009-Sept 2009)

Me: EA/PA (RA?) June 2010-Sept 2010
His DDay: Oct 2010
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
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Posts: 11,239
Just email the radio show


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